The schedule maker really had it in for Astros fans this July, straight from a stadium crammed with barnyard animals to one overflowing with arrogant SOB’s, led by the the Grand Poobah of BFiBs himself: LaRussa, aka the Best Fudgepacker in Baseball. And of course, you can’t forget the Biggest Fink in Baseball, who leads the NL in homeruns after a “miraculous comeback of epic proportions”. Soon, Co-ard fans everywhere will be picketing Disney to make the Fink the topic of their next over-the-hill-down-and-out-ballplayer-makes-it-back-from-the depths-of-mediocrity movie. What else would you expect from the Bestest Fartsmellers in Baseball?
The Cards share the division lead with the Brewers and the Pirates going into this series. Yes, the Pirates. The midsummer classic is long gone, and the Buckos are still hanging in there. I hope they make the Buffoonest Fans in Baseball cry in their Bottles Filled in Busch (artistic license here) come this October as they head for the playoffs….but enough about the Pirates…..
Monday, July 25, 7:15 p.m. Central Happ vs McClellan
McClellan hasn’t won a game since way back in May, against the ‘Stros, and I for one would like to keep it that way.
Ol' Googly Eyes Strikes Again!
Ol’ Googly Eyes has him in his sights to make up for the epic fail in extras yesterday–FOTF is 8-16 against McClellan with only one K. If that little factoid don’t make you blink, I don’t know what will. Q is 3-6 and Barmes is 2-5 against Kyle, but everyone else just sorta shits and misses against him. Happ has been nothing but consistent lately….consistenly giving up 5 earned runs in his past four starts. Six Cards bat .333 or greater vs Happ, and none of them are named after Uranus.
Tuesday, July 26, 7:15 Central Myers vs Westbrook
The circle is now complete. Myers has successfully recreated the transformation from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in one offseason. The Fink has only 4 hits against him, but 2 were of the longball variety. Doc Holliday, the Shoemaker and the Hole of Poo all hit in the mid .300s, with a total of 7 HRs against him. Westbrook was doomed to be a Jake from birth, thanks to his momma. A couple of the hometown nine put up some gaudy numbers against him: Lee is 15 for 36 (.417), Pence is 5 for 8 (.625) and Wally is 5 for 7 (714). Bet Mills gives them all the night off…..
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And now, back to our regularly scheduled preview……
Wednesday, July 27, 7:15 p.m. Central Norris vs Carpenter
Y’know, if my mom named me David Stefan, I’d go by Bud, too…or Bubba…or maybe even Bonzo. Whatever you call him, Norris has had particular success against the Redbirds, posting a 6-2 record with a 2.45 ERA and 47 Ks in 58.2 innings pitched. He draws Carpenter Ants who seems to only allow hits to Astros that go by letters of the alphabet (CJ and Q). Somebody grab a can of Raid…
Thursday, July 28, 7:15 p.m. Central Rodriguez vs Garcia
A dead Cardinal in the hand is worth four games in the Busch? This one could be a game of hide and not be found. Garcia has never won against the Astros, having an 0-2 record with a sporting 5.87 ERA. Wandy, well, he sucks too (5-11, 4.02 ERA). But someone has to win and if it gets to the bullpen, we have a pretty good idea how that will flush out.
Injuries, Sminjuries
Abad, Arias, Lyon, Castro. ‘Nuff said.
Wainwright hurt his elbow perfecting the doggie style with LaRussa and is out for the year. Craig (knee), Tallet (intercostal waterway and kidney beans) and Sanchez (shoulder) fell for LaRussa’s Twister Game of Douchebaggery and aren’t expected back for this series.
Promotions and Giveaways
None
Nada
Nunca
Nil
So, I decided to make up for their shortcomings and give you the BFiB….Best Fakes in Baseball that is….
Just for shits and giggles…..
What does BFiB mean to you?