Aarrgghh.  Make that uugghh.

As bad as the baseball was for the month of June, the month of July has not shown any promise of being any better.  In July, the Astros are batting .226 as a team, with a whopping on base percentage of .290, ranking them next to last in the National League in both categories.  Their paltry .312 slugging percentage in July ranks them last in all of the major leagues.  During the same time span, the pitching has been mediocre at best–a 4.21 ERA, giving up 55 hits and 32 runs in 62 innings.   The result:  a 1-5 record, tied for last place in the NL Central with the Pirates.  Uugghhly.Read More

Turner “My Stomach” Field 

Friday, July 4, 6:30 p.m. CDT – FSN 

Saturday, July 5, 6:00 p.m. CDT – FSN 

Sunday, July 6, 12:30 p.m. CDT – my20

The Astros drafted Jason Castro in the first round of the…er….um…wait…no, no, that’s not right.  What am I supposed to be…oh yeah, right, the Braves.  The Astros have to spend our country’s birthday in Atlanta.  Sucks for them.  Double suck as they just sleptwalked through a four game set with the Dodgers.  On the plus side the Braves are riding a 5-game losing streak.  Both teams are 40-46.  Something’s got to give.  What, I don’t know.  There’ll be fireworks this weekend.  Whee.

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The Astros won the last three interleague series, each by a two-games-to-one margin. They’re slowly creeping back up toward the .500 mark, but are still double-digits behind the delusional Cubs. They also decided to run Elvys out there, and they’ve shown Chacon the door, because he’s such a pain in the fucking neck. Turns out he really didn’t care for Ed Wade’s new cafeteria plan.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers just lost two of three to the Los Angeles of Anaheim Angels in the Outfield. They’ve really dropped off since Rafael Furcal hurt his back, and they’re also without Nomah and AndrUw. Chad Billingsley is leading the Dojers in wins, though his record is only 7-7. The NL West is sucking balls this year with the Snakes leading the division with a 41-41 record. If the Astros were in the West, they’d be two games out of first place right now. And if Pam Gardner had balls she’d be Andyzipp’s uncle. He’d have to take a new photo and everything.

By the way, enjoy the last four games of this homestand because the Astros won’t be home again until July 18.

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Minute Maid Pahk

The Good Guys have begun the process of not sucking horribly after a month of absolutely horrible baseball. Series wins against two slow pitch teams, the Rays and Rangers, have the ship pointed slightly away from Suckport now, and more toward Mediocrity Cove. Now the next step to respectability comes cruising in to town in stocking clad feet. They’re the only ones not making noise though, as another East Coast Bandwagon full of asshole New Englanders come cruising in to Minute Maid to cheer for their FAHKIN SAWKS! YEAH!

Friday June 27, 7:05 (FSN – HD)

Saturday June 28, 6:05 (FSN – HD)

Sunday June 29, 1:05 (my lil POS – HD)

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OUT OF THE CELLAR

Coahuila-Tejas Rangers (39-38) at Houston Astros (35-41)

Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX 77002

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     Round and round
     What comes around goes around

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Astros (33-40) at Tampa Bay (43-29)

Tropicana Field

Friday, June 20, 6:10pm CDT. FSN
Saturday, June 21, 5:10pm CDT. No TV (makes Homer something something)
Sunday, June 22, 12:40pm CDT. My20 (watt Meccano TV station)

No, your eyes do not deceive you. Only one side of the Astros’ W-L record moved since the last Series Preview, and Tampa Bay’s record is not transposed. The Astros are on a run that has seen them lose 8 in a row, 10 of their last 11 and post a June record of 3-13. You almost have to be trying to lose, to lose that much. I only list those dreadful stats because you may not have been fully aware of it if, like me, you’d been watching them with your hands over your eyes.

Such is the Astros’ luck that they get to limp into Tampa Bay, then get back on the bus and go to St. Petersburg where the Field of Inferior Quality Juice resides, to play the Devil Rays only after Hunsicker has had a chance to make them good. By “good”, I mean 5.5 games better than the Orioles that just swept us, 3.5 games better than the Yankees who swept us last week, better than everyone in the Softball League save the Red Sox and better than everyone on the Senior Circuit save the Cubs (although the Cubs are working on that). Yep, that good.

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