Astros (33-40) at Tampa Bay (43-29)
Friday, June 20, 6:10pm CDT. FSN
Saturday, June 21, 5:10pm CDT. No TV (makes Homer something something)
Sunday, June 22, 12:40pm CDT. My20 (watt Meccano TV station)
No, your eyes do not deceive you. Only one side of the Astros’ W-L record moved since the last Series Preview, and Tampa Bay’s record is not transposed. The Astros are on a run that has seen them lose 8 in a row, 10 of their last 11 and post a June record of 3-13. You almost have to be trying to lose, to lose that much. I only list those dreadful stats because you may not have been fully aware of it if, like me, you’d been watching them with your hands over your eyes.
Such is the Astros’ luck that they get to limp into Tampa Bay, then get back on the bus and go to St. Petersburg where the Field of Inferior Quality Juice resides, to play the Devil Rays only after Hunsicker has had a chance to make them good. By “good”, I mean 5.5 games better than the Orioles that just swept us, 3.5 games better than the Yankees who swept us last week, better than everyone in the Softball League save the Red Sox and better than everyone on the Senior Circuit save the Cubs (although the Cubs are working on that). Yep, that good.
How can this happen? I don’t know really. Their best hitter doesn’t hit .300, their best slugger has only 12 shibbies and 37 ribs, their winningest starting pitcher has an ERA near 5 and they have Evan Longoria at 3B.
They even seem to be unphased by the ongoing investigation into which one of them stabbed Steve Irwin in the heart.
Well, it seems that the way they’ve been getting it done is by having everyone hit reasonably well and pitch reasonably well. That may not be spectacular, but it’ll win you lots of games and, I suspect, bug the crap out of opposing fans by the end of a three-game set.
Probable Pitching Match-Ups
Oswalt (5-7, 5.04) vs. Garza (5-3, 4.06)
Roy has 7 starts of the statistically “quality” variety out of his 15 actual starts. That’s not very good for Roy, and not good for this series since half of those came in April. He was smacked around by the Evil Empire last time out although, due to the whole team blowing more than the 2005 hurricane season, only 3 of the 7 runs he coughed up were earned. Cliff Floyd and Gabe Gross have the most at-bats, and much success, against our “ace”.
Matt Garza, curiously, has only 6 quality starts from 12 so far this year, yet bests Roy in the loss column by 4 games. That’s because he has only laid a turd on the mound twice all year, and one of those was against the mighty Bo Sox (coming to your nightmares soon). He just seems to pitch well, and when he doesn’t his manager gets him the fuck out of there before the game gets out of reach. Tejada and Loretta are the only current Astros to have faced Garza. Between them they sport a .300 average and hit a dinger every 6 plate appearances. When I say “between them”, I mean Miggy’s done all the damage and Loretta’s got a line that has more zeros than The Donald’s bank account…and a 3 at the front.
Rodriguez (2-3, 2.76) vs. Jackson (4-6, 4.46)
Since coming back from the DL, Wandy has fallen into lock-step with the rest of the club. He did spin a 6 inning shut-out against the Pirates (up whose tea towel holder the Astros currently stare), but that was a short-term aberration. His other 3 starts have been a more team-appropriate 0-3, 8.81 ERA. His history with the flat fish is so limited as to be not worth commenting on. Except to say that it’s not worth commenting on. Which I just did.
Moving on. Edwin Jackson has a losing record, but that belies his work this year. He has 3 NDs to his name in which he pitched a total of 22 innings giving up total of 1 run. Of course, this being a fully functioning baseball team means that they won all three of those games, two of which involved NYY and BOS. As with Garza, it looks like Maddon isn’t shy with the hook when things are going south. Maybe his bullpen doesn’t suck arse. Reggie Abercrombieandfitch is 2-3 with 2 ribs and everything else is too painful to think about.
Backe (4-8, 4.99) vs. Kazmir (6-2, 1.76)
Brandon hasn’t won since May 23rd, which was arguably his only good outing of the year, and has 3 losses and an ND to his name since then. Oh, and an ERA up over 7 in that stretch. The ND was a loss too. But the good news…ahhhhh…welllllll….ahhhhh….the D-Rays haven’t seen Brandon much and those who have [checks the ‘net]…oh.
Scott Kazmir has a 1.76 ERA. How did he ever lose 2? The secret of his success appears to be pitching a lot of innings and giving up very few runs, if any. His losses came on the road, where he isn’t for this game. Tejada is 11-26 against him (.423), otherwise only Loretta has any real history with an uninspiring 3-13 (.231). Everyone else with limited at-battage has been pretty much meat.
Giveaways and Promotions
The Astros will be giving up extra bases and free runs all weekend.
Friday attendees will get a Carl “Dropped a Mothufuckin’ Soupbone on the Cubs Last Night” Crawford poster. Saturday is 80’s night which appears to mean rainbow-gut unis for the visiting team, shades for the first 10,000 fans (coincidence?) and a post-game Kool and the Gang concert. Sunday is family fun day when the kids get to emulate their team and run riot on the bases, kiddie sunglasses, Raymond the Ray’s birthday party and a guaranteed win for the home nine.
Injuries
Houston – Paulino is still pinching a nerve in his arm to avoid playing for this shower.
Tampa Bay – Reyes (RP) has tendinitis; Pena (1B) was not paying attention during BP and got hit in the face by a ball – broken finger; and Baldelli (CF) has Mitochondrial disorder which sounds shitty but is hopefully treated with really good drugs.
Interesting Tidbits
Former Astros: Dot Wheeler and Trever Miller as well as, of course, GM Gerry “The Hun” Hunsicker. So basically you’re watching the team the Astros could’ve been if Pam Gardener hadn’t worked her evil feminine charms on Uncle Drayton. Thanks Gerry.
Former Rays: Blummy, Wiggy and Backe. Nice fellas but I’d throw them all under a bus to get a roster like that of Tampa Bay.
The aforementioned Cub-molester, Carl Crawford, and Scott Kazmir are both from Houston. Edwin Jackson was born in New Ulm…strike that…Neu Ulm – the real one in Germany.
17-year old Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby daughter yesterday. In an unrelated story, Roger Clemens was seen making a diary note about something he needs to do in 2023.