Minute Maid Pahk
The Good Guys have begun the process of not sucking horribly after a month of absolutely horrible baseball. Series wins against two slow pitch teams, the Rays and Rangers, have the ship pointed slightly away from Suckport now, and more toward Mediocrity Cove. Now the next step to respectability comes cruising in to town in stocking clad feet. They’re the only ones not making noise though, as another East Coast Bandwagon full of asshole New Englanders come cruising in to Minute Maid to cheer for their FAHKIN SAWKS! YEAH!
Friday June 27, 7:05 (FSN – HD)
Saturday June 28, 6:05 (FSN – HD)
Sunday June 29, 1:05 (my lil POS – HD)
Pitching Matchup From Astros.com
Friday night: The “What the hell is that guy’s name” special
Daisuke “Dice-K” Matsuzaka (8-1, 3.46) vs. Runelvys “ROO-nell-vees” Hernandez (6-3, 3.72 in AAA Round Rock)
Dice-K had been as good as advertised until he went to the 15 Day DL with a mild rotator cuff strain. Upon his return, the Jakes greeted him with a seven run first, including three walks. On the plus side, he did strike out one of the 3 batters he retired.
The Good Guys sport a gaudy .375 batting average against Matsuzaka, but don’t get your hopes up. Miggy and Wiggy make up all the at bat…ys. Tejada is 3 of 5, Wiggy is 0 for 3 with a ponche.
Runelvys was called up to replace he who shall not be named (Chacondemort). This is his first action in the bigs since 2006 when he was still with the Royals. From all reports, Hernandez was impressive in Round Rock, sporting a low to mid 90s fastball, and some pretty devastating breaking stuff. I for one am seriously rooting for this guy, not just for the Astros sake, but also because he has such a crazy name.
Current Sawks sport a .354 batting average off of Runey (patent pending!) in 48 at bats. Some of it is not so surprising. I’d imagine every large pitcher has had their problems with Coco Crisp (6-16), and David Ortiz is 2 of 6 with 2 doubles and 3 walks. Manny is 3 of 6, El Raton is 2 of 4, and J.D. Drew, Mike Lowell, and Kevin Youkilis are all varying types of 1 for 3. Alex Cora (0-3) and the Mayor of Shittynoodleville Boston Sean Casey is 1-4.
Saturday night: Ohhh, mismatch night!
Jon Lester (6-3, 3.13) vs. Brandon Backe (5-8, 4.82)
Lester has been a one man wrecking machine in June, giving up 5 total runs in 5 outings. He’s gone 7 or more in 4 of the 5 outings, and has just mowed down the opposition. 3 free passes are all he’s issued in those 5 starts.
Again, the Astros sport a gaudy .571 batting average against Mr. Lester (man, what a creepy sounding name). Don’t get excited again, though, since its only in 7 at bats. Miggy is 3 of 6 and Abercrombie is 1-1.
Backe nailed down his first win in a while at Tampa Bay. His season has been seriously hit or miss, with 9 of his last 10 games resulting in a win (4 times) or a loss (5 times). In his wins, he’s given up 3 or less runs and lasted 6+ all but one time. In his losses, Brandon has allowed 4+ runs all but once, and hasn’t gone farther than 6 innings.
The BoSox sport a .304 average against Brandon, but it’s come almost entirely from one player. You guessed it, Lance Berkman’s favorite play-date, Sean Casey. Sean is 6-14 against Backe, with the rest of the Beantowners going 1 for 9 against him. Kevin Cash (Who the fuck is Kevin Cash?) has the lone hit.
Sunday afternoon: Even Bigger Mismatch!
Josh Beckett (7-5, 3.73) vs. Brian Moehler (4-3, 4.03)
Beckett’s last two starts have been of the bad-ass variety. Two total runs over his last 15 innings, with 14 Ks and 4 walks. Those two outings brought his ERA down half a point. Beckett only managed a 1-1 record between those two games since Dan Haren single handedly molested the BoSox in Josh’s last start, outdueling the Boston ace.
Current Astros are batting .238 against Beckett in 101 at bats. Wiggy (7-19, 3 homers 2 doubles), El Kabong (2-5, homer), and Geoff Blum are (3-8) are the only non DLed Astros (Kaz Matsui is 4 of 11) with much success against Beckett. The list of bad numbers is much longer: Miggy (3-20), Twinkie and Loretta (2-14), and Officer Brad (0-5) all suck pretty bad against him.
If I’dve told you that Brian Moehler was going to be the best starter in our rotation at this point in the season, you probably would’ve either started crying or punched me in the face. Well, I’ve got some bad news. Big Bad Brian is the best starter in our rotation. His last start was a gem against the Rangers, going 6 1/3 and holding the vaunted Douchebag Ranger Offense to one run. Almost every Moehler start looks the same: 6 or 7 innings, somewhere between 1 and 3 earned runs, couple of walks, 4-5 strikeouts. Pretty impressive for a non-roster invitee for the second year in a row in Spring Training.
Now the bad news. The BoSox have knocked Brian around some. They sport .351 batting average in 74 at bats. Manny (9-18, 2 dongs, 4 doubles), Sean Casey (5-11), Julio Lugo (5-16), and David Ortiz (3-9) make up the majority of the damage. The rest of the Sox 4 of 20 against him.
You greedy bastards! The RED SOX ARE IN TOWN!? YOU WANT FREE SHIT TOO!? FOR SHAME!
Injury Report
Red Sox – Curt Schilling is on the 60 Day DL with “degeneration in his right biceps tendon”. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds fucking painful. Bartolo Colon is on the 15 Day DL for being a fat tub of goo. Mike Timlin is on the 15 Day DL with knee tendonitis.
Astros – Paulino is still on the 15 Day DL with a pinched something or another. Someone get that guy’s grandmother away from him! Kaz Matsui pulled up lame against the Rangers, tweaking his hammy. He’s on the 15 day DL as of the 24th of June.
Our Interesting Things to Look For:
Sean: Hey Lance! Long time no talk!
Lance: Sean! You don’t play for the Cardinals anymore?
Sean: Huh? I used to play for the Reds…
Lance: No, you didn’t. You were the Mayor of St. Louis. I remember. They made a movie about it. I think it was called Dodgeball?
Sean: Oh, yeah. You’re right! What’re you doing after the game?
Lance: Oh, I don’t know. Thinking about going to see a movie. Have you heard about this Wall E movie that everyone is raving about?
Sean: No. What’s it about?
Lance: Oh, I don’t know. Want some sunflower seeds?
Sean: No thanks, I’ve got some gum. So what el…
Lance: How about some Twizzlers? I’ve got a few stashed in my cap.
Sean: No thanks, I’ve got gum. Have you…
Lance: How about some cracker jacks. Bill Brown threw me some the other day. I’ve got them stowed in my cup.
Sean: Welllll… I shouldn’t, I’ve got gum.
Lance: Could I interest you in some fajitas? We had some in the pre-game spread and I saved a few in the fingers of my glove.
Sean: Okay, that sounds delicious! Serve me some up.
Lance: I’ve got some guacamole in my batting glove in my back pocket, and some shredded cheese stitched into my jersey.
Sean: Wow, these are fantastic!
Talk about how much YOU hate the Red Sox horde in the GAMEZONE.
And if you still like the Red Sox for some reason, just watch this. D O U C H E B A G.
And one final reason you should hate the Red Sox forever………. WHY GOD WHY?! A movie about what insufferable stuck up assholes Red Sox fans are! FANTASTIC!
And if you STILL need a reason to hate the Red Sox… See the title. End. Of. List.