Cubs @ Astros Please Pass on the Pepto

Posted on May 6, 2009 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

What? It is time for a new series? The last game isn’t even over yet. And where is das? Did he fly down here to Houston to continue his improbable hex on this team?

Minute Maid Park

Wednesday, May 6 7:o5 p.m. FSH-HD

Thursday, May 7 7:05 p.m. FSH-HD

The Cubs make their second trip to Houston this year, surprisingly since the Brewers are out of town in Cincinnati, and the fuckin’ Cubs play the Brew Crew in Milwaukee this weekend. There were rumors that Bud Selig would declare this the “Energy Conservation Series” and require the Astros to play the Cubs in Milwaukee as part of MLB’s “Play Green” program.

Pitching Matchups

Rich Harden, RHP (2-1, 5.11) vs. Mike Hampton, LHP (1-2, 4.88)

Harden’s last outing was against the Marlins where he struggled with control, giving up 6 hits, 4 walks and 5 earned runs in only 3 2/3 innings. That practically guarantees a Cy Young award winning performance against the Astros tonight. The Astros have a combined .269 average against him, led by Blum at .469, who is the only Astro to hit a homer off of Harden.

Hampton needs to give this overexercised bullpen a rest and give this team a 6+ inning performance. Which means he will promptly be lit up for a handfull of runs in the first inning, and then drive in the first Astro run of the game. Hampton has only given up hits to 4 current Cubs, giving the team a .229 average against him.

Ted Lilly, LHP (3-2, 3.13) vs. Russ Ortiz, RHP (2-0, 5.21)

Lilly has already beaten the Astros this year, despite giving up 5 earned runs in only 5 innings. Micheals (.400), Keppinger (.389), and Pudge (.300) post the best averages for position players against Lilly. Personally, I hope they plaster his lily white ass to the wall and give FTC a new meaning.

Ortiz was skipped in his last rotation turn and was used on Sunday in relief against the Braves earning a “hold” for 1/3 inning of work. Ortiz needs to get ahead of batters earlier in the count, which may enable him to go deeper into games. The Cubs have a team batting average of .295 against Ortiz, led by Bradley (.357) and Ramirez (.333). Ortiz has pwned Derrick Lee (3-32, .094).

Injuries

Cubs

Updated	Player	Pos	Injury	Expected Return
04/29/09	Milton Bradley	RF	Suspension	2-game suspension, playing amid appeal
05/04/09	Carlos Zambrano	SP	Hamstring	15-day DL. Out until at least late May

Astros

Updated	Player	Pos	Injury	Expected Return
05/06/09	Brandon Backe	SP	Oblique	15-day DL. Might make Double-A rehab start May 8
05/04/09	Doug Brocail	RP	Hamstring	15-day DL. Out until at least late May
05/05/09	Roy Oswalt	SP	Finger	Questionable for May 10 start vs. San Diego
05/04/09	Humberto Quintero	C	Shoulder	15-day DL. Eligible to return May 10 at San Diego
05/04/09	Chris Sampson	RP	Ankle	Might be out until May 6-7 series vs. Chicago Cubs
05/02/09	Jose Valverde	RP	Calf	15-day DL. Out until at least late May
04/10/09	Aaron Boone	3B	Heart	60-day DL. Out for the season

Promotions and Giveaways

It is Mother’s Day weekend. So the Astros marketing department has decided to coat everything with Pepto-Bismol, hoping to soothe the heartburn from the acid reflux caused by the stress of watching the latest bullpen nonperformances. Now I am a female, but pink is not the color of choice for my Astros. You wouldn’t catch me in a pink jersey for anything less than a cool million. Mud and blood all the way baby!

I thought the pink stuff was supposed relieve nausea, not cause it?

Wednesday, April 6, Pink in the Park Jerseys

Thursday, April 7, Pink in the Park Caps pink_hat_180x150 and DIAMONDS!! (well, one diamond)

diamonds-are-a-girls-best-friend

Plus on Thursday—-One (1) fan will win a free diamond compliments of Mark Klein at Michael Klein’s Fine Jewelry. The first 5,000 females 16 & older will receive a giveaway upon entrance to the ballpark. There will be 4,999 cubic zirconias and one (1) real diamond! Who’s expecting a gender discrimination lawsuit over this one?

I wish I couldn’t see you

Soriano waving his hand in front of his face? Flies drawn to the stench of a fuckin’ Cub? Nope. That’s the signature taunt of WWE’s John Cena, and something Soriano has copied. Cena waves his hand horizontally in front of his face and says, “You can’t see me,” when he enters the ring. What an asshole Cub (well, they mean the same thing, don’t they?)

My Apologies

Work is a real bitch right now and I am severely late getting this preview done. Fuck me the Cubs.

Fake Empire

Posted on May 4, 2009 by GreatBagwellsBeard in Series Previews

Coming off series wins against the Braves and Reds, the Astros head to the City of Bailouts for a two game layover with the Nationals. God’s hatred for the Tomahawk Chop was shown this weekend in Atlanta, drenching the hillbillies with righteous rain, so the rotation is kinda mixed up from its normal order for this series; instead of the devastating 1-2 (or is that 4-5?) punch of Moehler and Ortiz, Roy O will take Russ O’s spot on Tuesday and face a Nationals team that vacillates between bring horrifically awful and just simply bad.

The Nationals offense is strong, with five starters hitting at or within a hundredth or two of .300, including Adam Dunn, who is somehow not leading the team in strike outs. Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman are both mashing the ball pretty well, too. So why are the Nats so bad? It ain’t the vaunted NL East competition; the Mets were last seen consulting the Treasury Department Chart of Judgment, and the Phillies are back to getting booed, while everyone eats the Marlins dust. (On the upside, we’re two more years away from another Marlins post-WS fire sale!) The Nats are awful because they’re the East Coast version of the Rangers, with a ridiculous offense, but pitching so bad that they actually had Tim Redding start 33 games for them last year. 33! Their best starter this year is rookie Jordan Zimmerman, who sports a startlingly mediocre 4.24 ERA to go with his 2-1 record. Alert Tom Hicks! This man deserves a $60 million contract!

The Nationals also remind me of one of my favorite bands. Lest you think that such a reminders stems from one of my favorite bands being one that favors bluster over fundamentals (sorry, Animal Collective!), rest assured that I’m talking about The National. This Brooklyn band puts together darkly beautiful odes to domesticity and urban angst that are the perfect soundtracks for both brooding nights at home, and raucous forays into the streets in search of brown liquor and companionship. Two of my favorite tracks below:

“Fake Empire” on Letterman

“The Geese of Beverly Road” with some lame montage crap.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday

Brian Moehler (0-2, 27.00) v. John Lannan (0-3, 4.61)

The man who is holding Felipe Paulino back from the starting rotation gets to take the mound for the first time since coming off the DL. Moehler obviously needed some time to get into shape, as he was starting to look more and more like the second coming of Chan Ho Park than the 2008 Moehler who anchored the back of the rotation. The knee is supposedly better now, though, so let’s hope for the best. Against the Nats, he’s 2-4 lifetime, and has had success against Adam Dunn (.176, 2 K’s) and Nick Johnson (.231, 3 K’s). Unfortunately, the rest of the Nationals hit him pretty damned well: Cristian Guzman (.462), Austin Kearns (.500, 1 homer), and Ryan Zimmerman (.500) among them. This could get ugly, but at least the bullpen is well rest…fuck me, Coop. Would one more inning from Wandy killed you?

Big lefty Lannan was the Nats opening day starter this year, which is pretty awesome because you’ve never heard his name until now. He tends to give up one big inning in each of his starts, which actually makes him sound like another Opening Day starter we know. He has been hit well by the Puma (.500) and Caballo (.333 and a homer) and PENCE!!! (.400); the top of the lineup has not fared well against him, with Bourn and Kaz still looking for their first career hits against him.

The Ski Club of Washington sponsors John Lannan’s Baseball-Reference.com page. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

Tuesday

Roy Oswalt (0-2, 3.82) v. Scott Olsen (1-3, 6.08)

Roy only threw 13 pitches in his previous start in Atlanta, so he’s get a chance to throw at least 14 this time out. He’s still looking for his first win, which sounds about as strange as Limey being unable to find a pint. A combination of Oswalt Innings and bullpen explosions have left him winless, and I’m sure he’d like to get that monkey off his back. Questions are lingering about whether or not he’s really the Wizard anymore in the first place, and whether he’ll have to become more crafty to get outs instead of blowing guys away. Picking on the Nats would be a great place to start, since he’s made them his double bitch on numerous occasions. He’s 3-1 with a 2.59 ERA against the Washingtonians, and has been particularly effective against Nick Johnson (.111) and Austin Kearns (.171). Meanwhile, Adam Dunn is Adam Dunn against Roy-O (4 homers, 19 K’s, .250), and Ryan Zimmerman stands as the most successful player against Roy at .375 and 2 HR. From the looks of it, if Dunn and Zimmerman do connect against Roy, at least the bases will be empty.

Scott Olsen, smoker and taser victim, was acquired from the Marlins this offseason, and has already made himself at home in DC by stinking up the joint. He’s a fireballer, so hopefully the big boppers can all turn some of that velocity around and keep his ERA high. He did have success in his most recent outing against the Phillies, but his numbers against the Good Guys suggest that it’ll either be feast or famine. Kaz and Carlos (sounds like a morning drive-time radio show, huh?) both hit .333 against him, and Puma goes one better with a .444 BA; everyone else who has faced young Mr. Olsen (including Miggy, Pence, and Towles) are all 0-fer against him. I think it’s pretty safe to say that Olsen’s kind of an asshole, so here’s hoping he gets his smoke break early.

Notable Promotions

Tuesday: T-shirt Tuesdays continues with a t-shirt featuring Teddy Roosevelt wearing a sombrero. Seriously. I think some of the crack rocks from Baltimore may have made their way inside the Beltway.

Injury Reports

Astros

Aaron Boone: Gone to see the Wizard, see if he can get a heart before that Tin Man motherfucker does.

Brandon Backe: Still rehabbing. Rehabbing his intercostal muscle, mind you, not “oh my god, I think I just snorted coke at the table during Easter dinner” rehab.

Doug Brocail: day-to-day, last seen yelling at his hamstring to whip it into shape.

Humberto Qunitero: The Thing is still on the 15-day DL, but could be back next week.

Jose Valverde: Papa Grande is still leaking fluid like a Pontiac Grand Am, and won’t be back this month.

Nationals

Roger Bernadina: Mismatched first and last name, 60 day DL.

Matt Chico: Running a bail bond company, 60 day DL.

Dmitri Young: Choking the hell out of a Lady Cop, 15 day DL

Terrell Young: Late for Buffalo Bills training camp, is a locker room cancer, 15 day DL

What To Look For:

Rain

Roy

Revitalized Puma

Discuss the games in the GameZone!

astros, brian moehler, john lannan, nationals, roy oswalt, scott olsen, the national

Astros at Braves – Chipper, Jair, and Jo-Jo. Is This A Baseball Team or a Girlscout Troop?

Posted on May 1, 2009 by MRaup in Series Previews

~~The Edifice of Greed~~ Turner Field

After taking 2 out of 3 from the goddamn Reds, the Good Guys are off to WhiteTrashville (population 3,000,000 toothless inbred yokels, and that just covers the Chipper Jones Fan Club).

I hate a lot of teams, but there’s a special place in my cold black heart just for the Braves. I can’t see that stupid logo without thinking of “strikes” 3 inches off the outside corner, The Mongoliod Hitting Machine (Seriously, what grown man wants to be called Chipper?!), or years and years of playoff domination before the Astros finally broke through.* Fuck, I hate the Braves.

Friday, May 1, 6:30 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 2, 2:30 p.m. CDT – FOX
Sunday, May 3, 12:30 p.m. CDT – My20

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Mike Hampton (1-1, 3.86) v Derek Lowe (2-1, 3.10)

Hampton checked in with a pretty blah outing against the Brew Crew his last time through the rotation, giving up 4 earnies through six innings. He struck out 4, walked 3, and was cruising in the 6th when he gave up a big fly to Bill Hall that tied the game. The bullpen went on to completely shit the bed, as Valverde inexplicably threw Prince Fielder an 0-2 fastball up that Big Tubby promptly deposited in right field. Fast Forward a few innings, and the Good Guys lost. Thanks Gerry.

Hampton has only seen a few of the Braves at all. Chipper Jones (19-50, 18 singles and one home run) and Garrett Anderson (3-4, all singles) are the only guys that have had any success against him. David Ross (1-6) and Omar Infante (0-3) are the only other people that have ever faced Hampy, and clearly they suck.

Lowe is off to a pretty good start this year. He’s had one bad outing, giving up 4 runs over 5 innings against the Fish. Other than that, he’s been business as usual, getting more groundouts than flyouts (49/37) and keeping his team in the game. His last start was a doozy, 8 innings and only gave up 2 hits.

The Good Guys knock Derek around pretty good, posting a team batting average of .302 against him. Miggy (10-33) and Kabong (30-11) both have taken him deep twice, Erstad (9-24) has hit 4 doubles off him, Geoff (8-25) and Twinkie (6-20) both have taken him deep as well, and Kaz (5-11) sports a gaudy .455 average. Jason Smith (0-8) sucks against him and Pudge (5-22) has scuffled some. Everyone else has miniscule numbers of at bats against him (see Bourn and Pence, both 1 for 3).

Saturday
Roy Oswalt (0-2, 3.94) v. Jair Jurrjens (2-2, 1.72)

Roy continues to make Astros fans throw shit at their TVs, Oswalt Inninging away any lead that the offense stakes him to. He had a great outing against the Reds, giving up one run in seven innings of work. He only struck out 2, but the dominant Oswalt at least peeked his head out of the hole he’s been hiding in.

Apparently the Braves roster has mostly cycled over, as only 3 of their guys have ever faced RoyO. Chipper Jones (3-13, 3 K), David Ross (1-4), and Greg Norton (0-1) all have faced him, and all have sucked.

Jair Jurrjens parents must have hated him. What a horrible name. He sounds like something a teenage boy’s mother wouldn’t be thrilled to find on her son’s bedstand next to a wadded up Kleenex. And, judging by this picture, Jair is that teenage boy. What, too much? Anyway, Jair has somehow managed to lose two of his starts despite giving up less than 2 runs a game, a 3-0 shutout at the hands of the Pirates and a 3-2 thriller against the Redbirds in his last start.

Current Astros are a whopping 1 for 2 against him. Jason Smith has the only hit. We’re doomed. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Sunday
Wandy Rodriguez (2-2, 1.69) v. Jo-Jo Reyes (0-1, 4.26)

Wandy has been nothing short of awesome so far this year. When his curve is on, he’s a strikeout machine. When his curve isn’t sharp, he’s still finding ways to get outs. Against the Reds in his last start, Wandy was nothing short of brilliant, giving up just 1 earned run over 7 innings of work while striking 5 and walking only 2.

And now the bad news… Current Braves (21-64 for a .328 average with a .983 OPS)rip Wandy like the Talk Zone rips Bizidy and his extended pinky. I won’t get in to the details because this needs to be done before the game starts, and writing out 3/4 of the Braves roster will take for-damn-ever. Slacker Jones (4-7, 2 dongs), Yunel Escobar (3-6), and Brian Barton (2-3) are the ones that I’d be watching out for the most though.

Fuck Jo-Jo Reyes. A grown man named Jo-Jo gets NO love from me. Attention Jo-Jo, Joseph and Albert are BOTH acceptable names for adults. Jo-Jo is your kid sister’s name, not yours.

Current Astros crush Joseph Albert in small samplings. Carlos Lee (3-7), Miguel Tejada (1-2), and Jeff Keppinger (4-7) all knock him around good, again in small sample size. Fat Elvis (1-8), PENCE!!! (1-5), and Towles (0-2) all suck against him, say it with me now, in a small sample size.

Notable giveaways this series…

Sunday is “Bark in the Park” day, whatever the fuck that means. Kids run the bases too. Yee-fuckin-haw. That’s it. Nothing at all being given away this weekend. And people think Drayton is cheap…

Injury Report

Combined Injury Reports

So, in case you didn’t notice, MLB.com went to a new format for their injury report. The injury link takes you to a page with every team’s report on it. Pretty snazzy, until one notices that it says “Fantasy Baseball” at the top of it. Fuckers. (repeated from last week because, hey, its true.

HOU –
Aaron Boone is still on the DL with a broken heart, and probably won’t be playing at any point this season/ever again.
Brandon Backe is rehabbing in AAA right now with the Express.
Brian Moehler got shelled in Midland starting for the Hooks the other night in a rehab start.
Q is on the 15 day DL after an intense makeout session with Mike Cameron near home plate ended in disaster when he developed a sore shoulder.
El Papa Grande is on the DL with an exploded calf muscle. He can come off the DL on May 12th, but I’m not holding my breath on that after hearing they drained 15 gallons of fluid from his calf the other day. Gross.

ATL –
Garrett Anderson is on the 15 day DL with a strained quad following a ballroom dancing incident gone horribly wrong. He is scheduled to be back around May 5th.
Jorge Campillo is on the 15 day DL with tendonitis in his right shoulder, and… wait. Who the fuck is Jorge Campillo?
Tom “Snivelling Woman #2” Glavine is on the 15 day DL with an inflamed rotator cuff after throwing his arms up in frustration after not getting a strike-call on a pitch 2 feet off the outside corner.
Tim Hudson is on the 60 day DL after not using enough Jair Jurrjens while flogging the dolphin and tearing a ligament in his elbow. He’s not due back any time soon.
Brian McCann is on the 15 day DL after being too close to Hudson during the above described incident and being hit by the “splashback” in his left eye. They expect the infection to heal up in the next week or two, and Brian has said repeatedly that he’ll always wear protection from here on out while “catching” for Glavine.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

Can the starting pitching hold up?

Will Berkman be forced to retire if he can’t find the right snack to slumpbust with?

Will Michael Bourn’s head explode after Coop suggests he should learn to pitch so Coop can bat him lower in the order?

Will Jason Smith find a way to get his batting average in to negative numbers?

All this and more on this weekend’s… SERIES PREVIEW!

Discuss today’s game in the GameZone.

*You thought I was going to talk about Walt Weiss, didn’t you? Well, I won’t. Except for right now… Fuck.

Astros at Reds: Berkmanian Crapsody

Posted on April 26, 2009 by Limey in Series Previews

Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy

Real life? No. Fantasy? Only if you actually know how to say “FLŰGGÅƏNK∂€ČHIŒβØL∫ÊN”, but would choose not to. For the record, that word can only be said in Cincinnati, as it is the particular sound made when one passes out in a bowl of skyline chili and starts snoring.

Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality

No doubt.

Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see

Yikes

Actually, this is a bad idea. The Astros are heading back on the road, and cruising into the hideous Tammy Faye Bakker Stadium for a three-game set with the Reds. This after an long and frustrating homestand which yielded four wins and six losses, a near-perfect sub-set of their 7-12 season record. Moreover, this included losing 3 of 4 to these same Reds, who went on to take two of three in Chicago before dropping two of three at home to the Politically Insensitives of Atlanta.

April 24-26, 2009 — Brewers @ Astros

Posted on April 23, 2009 by Dark Star in Series Previews

SEASONS IN HELL Vol. I, No. 1

Brewers (6-9) @ Astros (6-10) April 24-26, 2009

Friday          7:05 p.m.         FOX
Saturday    6:05 p.m.          FOX
Sunday        1:05 p.m.           FOX

The Milwaukee Brewers roll into Houston Friday for a weekend three game set-to with the Astros.

Up to Tuesday, the Brewskies had been on an odd run of consistency this season – in every series (@SF, CHI, CIN, @NYM), they had a W-L record of 1-2. But they went into Philadelphia and took two of three, so perhaps things are on an upswing for them. At any rate, the Brewskies have been something of a disappointment so far this year, so I went searching around some of the Brewers fansites to see if Milwaukee fans were gripping as badly at their team’s early season fucking around as many Astrofanz seem to be at theirs.

The answer is, it is hard to tell. . . for one thing, if one is used to the level of intercourse at SnS, a lot of what passes for ‘intelligent fan discussion’ out there on the interwebs leaves a lot to be desired. Also, outside of Sen. McCarthy and Jeffrey Dahmer, and I guess Ed Gein, I’ve never really heard of a seriously pissed-off Wisconsoner. It is a stereoype, but I picture the typical Brewer fan as some pasty, pudgy guy who works for the paper mill and has brats for lunch and beer for dinner and goes to the park and cheers for the home team, regardless. On the other hand, if my team had emerged from 15+ years of consistently horrible play and management to go where the Milwaukee team appears to be now – on the verge of regular contention, loaded with young talent and with more on the way – hell, I would be pretty damn contented, too. Pass me a Pabst there, Leonard, would yah? Oh yaah, and a couple of brats, with ‘kraut on the side.

In beer and brat land they do have Brewerfan.net, a decent enough site which is probably the closest thing to what a wandering SnSer would look for in non-fanboy discussion with an occasional forum meltdown or two, and a lot of silly bullshit as well, of course. And, yes, it appears Brewerfan is gripping, a little.

However, the common thinking among Brewer aficianados is that beyond the Philadelphia series, they are coming up on an easy stretch in their schedule where they can get well and make up some ground on the division leaders (after the Brewers finish this weekend with Houston, they have a couple of series with the Pirates and Dickities, sandwiched around one with Arizona.) They envision going 2-1 in Houston, worst case scenario.

That Brewerfan equates the Astros with the Pirates and the Dickities and an easy part of their schedule might be a little ironic, given where they were not so long ago, but it might also be more than a little accurate at this point, at least generally speaking. Despite the heroics in the first two games of the Dodgers series, I doubt the Astros in their current configuration put much fear into any team’s heart. The interesting thing to me is that Milwaukee has been pushing for a few years now to emerge from the primordial goo in the depths of the Central Division (Pirates, Reds) and move into the Astros-Cardinals-FTCubs class of perennial division contender. At the same time, while the Co-ards and the FTCubs seem to be well-entrenched at the top of the division for many seasons to come, the Astros have been fighting what is in a way the exact opposite battle the Brewers have been. Houston has been struggling to keep from slipping down into the tar pits as mightily as the Brewers have been fighting to pull the Astros in and climb out over the top of them. And while fan perception means shit 99.99999 100% of the time, the realization, coming probably a couple of seasons late, that no one else looks at the Astros anymore as anything but a mediocre also-ran gives me pause; because it might not be long before what one has to look forward to at the beginning of each season is swimming around in the creasote all summer with the Pirates and the Dickities, looking up at eveyone else, including the Brewers. Fuck.

PITCHING MATCHUPS
Friday April 24 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Felipé Paulino (0-0, 0.00)
After a couple of good starts in Round Rock, Paulino was called up and was excellent in his first outing against the Dickities last week, allowing 0 runs in 6 innings. He has a lot of steam on his fastball and an idea of what he is trying to do out there. The only nit-pick here is 100 pitches in six innings; he only walked two, though. I hope he can eventually go deeper into games.

Milwaukee Yovani Gallardo, RHP (1-1, 4.58)
Gallardo is emerging as a solid middle-of-the-rotation guy, and is coming off of a six inning, no run performance himself, in New York. He has a good breaking ball to go with a plus heater, and he has had success against the Astros in the past, including eight shutout innings in his only start at MMPUS, a win back at the end of 2007.

Saturday April 25 (6:05 p.m.)
Houston Mike Hampton (1-1, 3.12)
It is not a stretch to say Hampton has been a pleasant surprise so far this season. I’m not sure what was expected of him, but after getting knocked around a bit in his first start at St. Louis, he has pitched quite well in his last two outings. He appears to be mostly a 6-inning guy these days, but if the Astros can get 30 or so starts out of him this season at this level, that would be, well, nice.

Milwaukee Jeff Suppan, RHP (1-2, 8.56)
Jeff Suppan has been a pretty good starting pitcher for a long time now. Pretty good, but not good – as a 4.66 career ERA would attest. He gives up a fair amount of hits and a lot of home runs, but usually manages to hang around long enough to pile up some career wins (129) and losses (125). In his 2+ year stint in Milwaukee, he is 1 game under .500 (23-24) with a 4.91 ERA. On any given night, Suppan might pitch you a gem (last start vs. NY 6 IP, 2 ER), or he might hit the showers early (first two starts vs. SF and CHI 7.2 IP, 11 ER total). Jeff Suppan is the walking definition of mediocre. He has had a rough time of it with the Astros in the past (2-7, 5.34, and 1-2, 6.26 in MMPUS).

Sunday April 26 (1:05 p.m.)
Houston Russ Ortiz (1-0, 5.93)
Ortiz has not been very impressive so far, in two relief appearances and, most recently, two starts. He did pick up a win last time out, in a 5 inning, 5 walk, 116 pitch slopfest against the Dodgers. The bullpen almost lost it for him, anyway. About the most optimistic thing that can be said is that Ortiz’ most recent start was better than his first one, against Pittsburgh, when he could only manage 4.2 innings and left in a flurry of hits and loud outs with men on base. So, he is progressing.

Milwaukee Manny Parra, LHP (0-3, 8.16)
This guy was supposed to be the second coming of, I don’t know, Mike Caldwell or Teddy Higuera or somebody. He impressed many in the Austin/Round Rock/Pflugerville contingent by throwing a perfect game against the Express back in mid-2007, while pitching for the Nashville club. But, wow, Parra has failed to deliver on the promise so far. Last year, in his first full season, he managed a 10-8, 4.39 in 29 starts, but averaged 5 innings a start. He was pulled from the rotation the last three weeks of the season, with the Brewers battling the steM for a wild card spot. So far this season he has been terrible, although in his second outing, vs. the Dickities, he managed to go 6 innings and give up 3 ER.

INJURIES
Houston – Brandon Backe (strained intracoastal muscle, that’s the one that starts off mid-knee, runs down and under and around your foot, and then runs up your east side), 15-day DL, may return mid-May (supposedly), I don’t think anyone is holding their breath over it; Brian Moehler (mild knee sprain), 15-day DL, returns mid-May, is throwing on the side; Doug Brocail (rotator cuff), 15-day DL, returns Sunday (26th), any help in the bullpen is welcomed.

Milwaukee – Hells Bells Hoffman (strained obelisk, that’s the one that runs from your scrot – never mind), 15-day DL, due back Sunday (26th), the Brewers need him to anchor the bullpen, which has been fucking ‘orrible to this point. (That was the Cockney accent I’ve been working on, you know, like, “‘Ello, guv’ner” on the Raisin Bran box. What do you think?)

LOOKING UP?
It is hard to say what, if anything, we should take from the Dodgers series. We saw that the Astros can come from behind when they need to, but I don’t think that was a big question going in. And though I’ll never be able to erase from my mind the images of LaTroy Hawkins blowing save after save for the FTCubs in a stretch run a few years back, we saw for sure that the big righthander is a viable backup option at closer if/when Valverdegäaven is hurt. And it looks for sure like the Astros have a pretty good bench. Right now guys like Keppinger and Michaels are really helping. On the other hand, carrying an inconsistent offense is not their job. If it ends up that it is, well, not so good. Beyond that, I just don’t know.

I do know this. Had the Astros lost the Dodger series – the one coming into this one – this series preview would be a whole lot more morose than it already is.

A CAVEAT
By the way, I would like to apologize for this preview to one and all. I feel like I have set a pretty high standard for myself in the past, and this effort falls far short of it.

There is a good reason, one which I would very much prefer to keep to myself. I will give my preview writing a better effort next time around. Perhaps things will be better then. Ex adversum adveho vires quod décor.

THE WEATHER
Friday evening will be mostly cloudy (and, needless to say, muggy) with a low only in the high 60s, and south winds at 10-15 mph. Saturday evening will be the same. Sunday will be mostly sunny, with a high of 81. Pretty decent weather to get out and watch baseball in.

I predict the Astros will, due to either “bad weather” or “high temperatures”, have the roof closed at MMPUS for at least part of each of the three games in this series.

Brewers win the series, 2-1.

“Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the
Supermassive black hole.”

**********

brewers suck, bullshit, fucked up

Hot Dodgers: The Return of the Brad

Posted on April 21, 2009 by Taras Bulba in News, Series Previews

Your sputtering, wheezing, flailing -about- the -place 4-9 Houston Astros take on the hot as fire-shit (ever had one of those?) 10-3 Dodgers, winners of eight in a row and kicking the hell out of everything in sight. They’ve got a potent lineup led by Matt Kemp, James Loney of H-town, and the hitting savant himself, Manny “The Rag” Ramirez who is beginning to rake anything close to the plate when he isn’t in the dugout speaking in tongues (badly). The team is second in the NL in hitting (.284) and have jacked 13 home runs in 12 games. They’ve got the player of the week in Andre Ethier who edged out three of his own fellow Dodgers (Orlando Hudson, Kemp, and Chad Billingsley) for the goddamn award. They’ve got great, sometimes filthy pitching with four starters at 2.84 ERA or below and that doesn’t even include ex-Astro Randy Wolf (3.93) who has had two stellar outings and was capable in the other. Their closer is Jonathan Broxton, a hard throwing rightie who has given up one run in 6 2/3 innings with 11 punch outs. They’ve got a helluva bench that includes another ex-Astro, Mark Loretta along with Juan Pierre, Juan Castro and Blake DeWitt.

baseball-ausmus And then, they’ve got–the Brad. The last time we saw Ausmus, he was presiding at his own going away ceremony and on the receiving end of some nice parting gifts including a lifetime membership to the Temple YMCA. We long time fans appreciated Brad for his great defensive skills, his intellect, and the occasional glimpses into his wonderful sense of humor. Others liked a few of Brad’s other talents, so he arrives back in Houston with some heightened feelings of anticipation for the series with the Astros, along with a satchel of restraining orders for his legion of female admirers. Seriously, it will be nice to see Brad back, even if it’s in Dodger blue. The game needs guys like Ausmus who play it the right way, setting an example for the young players coming up and hopefully every once in a while impressing a fan or two not otherwise concentrating on doing the wave. Brad’s been playing well and is 3 for 7 in the two games he’s appeared.

Brad Ausmus ministering to today's youth

For those of you stalking Brad while carefully observing the 100 foot limit set out by your court order, it appears most likely LA will sit Martin for the Thursday night game, giving Ausmusthe start. Otherwise, look for him Wednesday night at Second Baptist’s “Up with People” concert.

Probable Matchups

Tuesday, April 21st at 7:05pm (FS-H) Clayton “Big K” Kershaw, LHP v. Russ “Running on Fumes” Ortiz

Kershaw has a 1.50 ERA with no decisions. In his last outing against the Giants, he threw 7 innings of 1 hit ball with 13 strikeouts (the last guy that young to fan 13 for the Dodgers was some guy named, Koufax). Houston has seen him andhis left arm before and didn’t like it the first time. Chances are, they might not like it again. Did I mention he’s left handed?

The Astros will trot out seasoned, well salted, hermetically cured and otherwise preserved Russ Ortiz who will pitch for a while, ask for new baseballs, shake off Pudge, heavily perspire, and work his way into and out of jams to hopefully hang on for five or so innings of veteran presence before he’s sent back to the smokehouse for additional flavoring. Berkman has dibs on the first slice of Russ at the end of the season awards banquet.

Wednesday, April 22nd at 7:05pm (FS-H) Randy “Winston” Wolf , LHP (1-1) v Roy “Big Inning” Oswalt (0-2)

As mentioned, Wolf has been very effective this season, what LA was hoping to get and what Houston benefited from last year. He had a rough first inning in his last start but settled down and threw five scoreless after that. In his prior outing, he threw seven innings of two hit, shutout ball. Not a bad pickup for the Dodgers.

Nicole and Roy Oswalt in happier days before his sordid affair with Jake Peavy

Roy is off to an annoyingly slow start, highlighted by losing to the Fuck the Cubs on Opening Day, despite the massive presence of the SnS faithful, engorged with cabrito, a fair number of brews (thanks, das!), and bootleg Enzyte chased down by gourds of pulque (the men had a glass of sherry). In his last start, he dominated and root plowed the Reds as is Oswalt’s custom, though Valverde gave it up in the ninth denying Roy his otherwise automatic Cincy “W.” Should be a good matchup to watch, though Time Warner in Austin will most certainly pre-empt the game for a WNBA pre-season celebrity jam of some sort.

Tuesday, April 23rd at 7:05pm (FS-H) Chad “Spalding” Billingsley, RHP v Wandy “Eny” Rodriguez

Billingsley’s stuff in his last appearance was described as “unhittable” until he ran into trouble in the sixth. He’s off to a fast start at 3-0 and a sub-3 ERA. Chad drives a BMW, is on the advisory board to Maxim, and has his own table at the Mandalay adults only pool. He likes to pick his nose a lot, so he’s got that going.

Home Wandy dominated the Reds in a combined shutout in his last start, whiffing 10. He had his 12-6 working and located like an all-star. He also appeared to have some solid rhythm with Pudge, though denied reports after the game that they were an item.

Injury Report

Los Angeles

Hiroki Kuroda is out with a “strained oblique” which is codespeak in Japan for “angry testicle after bukkake fighting.” There’s probably a restaurant off of Fondren where you can order that.

Doug Mienkiewicz fucked up his shoulder and no one can spell his name. Serves him right.

Jason Schmidt had shoulder surgery but they think he can be rolled out of the barn in May for a few innings before he blows the thing out again and is shot outright behind the dugout as an example to others.

Claudio Vargas has right elbow tendinitis from jerking off to his grand dad’s pictures. They shut him down and he’s a temporary righty.

Claudio Vargas' love interest

Cory Wade has right shoulder bursitis but has discontinued his association with Claudio and will be back soon.

Houston

SnS own pravata reported that Matsui “feels fine” so here’s hoping he’s treading softly over the back and anal issues. Supposedly, Matsui was nowhere near Kuroda when his most recent flare up occurred. Reports also indicate that Keppinger has said he’s ready and Houston will need him against LA’s lefties. Doug Brocail says his shoulder is coming along better than anyone thought and thinks he won’t need rehab. That might be wishful thinking since Doug’s AARP eligible and chapter president of his local Good Sam club. Also notable:

Aaron Boone: goldbricking with some purported heart murmur or something. Slacker.

Brandon Backe: he’s got that strained intercostal muscle (see “Bringing Up Baby”) and is a rearing to go to git back in thar. Hope when that happens, he brings a little more something than he’s shown during the last year. If not, Galveston Ball needs a JV coach and the police are hiring.

Brian Moehler: mid-knee sprain from jumping off of Jeff Kent’s truck in a weird, veterans hazing ritual. He was possibly clothed at the time. No word yet when he’ll return but Kent is supposedly staying in Spicewood for the rest of the season to grumble and kill livestock with his bare hands.

Giveaways for the Dodger Series

Tuesday: “Double Play Tuesday.” Sit in the cheap seats for two bucks with some PowerAde bottles. Mix in a little Cutty Sark and by the 7th inning stretch, you’ll have a fine tenor voice.

Wednesday: “Play Green Recycled Material Cap” along with a “Play Green Celebration,” proving that Drayton ain’t letting this eco-shit thing go to waste by missing out on marketing opportunities. Marvel at the most awful head covering south of the Windy City along with whatever worthless recycling exhibits are conjured up for your pre-game viewing pleasure. Look for the Reliant Energy booth where former hurler, Ken Bottenfield will demonstrate how a buffet enriched diet can produce enough premium grade fecal matter to power a Toyota Tacoma hybrid. Milo will do the play by play of the process.

Thursday: Price Matters Days. Pam Gardner will be at the Union Station entrance to hand out dollar off coupons along with commemorative sketches by Albert Speer.

Team president, Pam Gardner (right) on a downtown stroll with friends

Be the first on your block to own the most hideous Astros cap in franchise history.

Final Thoughts

Losing three out of four to the godless Dickities isn’t the worse thing in the world (the Astros are perfectly capable of dropping four straight to the Pirates) but it’s not a positive development and it was a team effort in stinking it up during this past series. Doesn’t get any easier boys withLA, so you might as well stand on your hind legs and get after it.

The Dodgers picked up some solid characters with ex-Astros Wolf, Loretta, and Ausmus and that’s a good commodity to have for both the team and the city that surrounds Chavez Ravine. Lots of hot bods out there, but they’re all supposedly good family men so maybe they can avoid starlet fatigue. Lots of cougars in those canyons, though.

Brad Ausmus shown here in another vicious cougar attack

Cecil Cooper has been extended and reports circulating from league sources indicate that he considers the new contract to be a mandate for taking the team to the next level, and we know where that’s going. As reported earlier, his usage of khat and donning of ceremonial attire at even the most mundane of ocassions has raised “concerns” from the normally laid back Astros clubhouse. I say he’s done by August 15th but it should be fun watching the descent into madness.

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Astros skipper Cecil Cooper shown here in traveling dress uniform

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