This season the Rangers have found a new use for their blue suede shoes big boots–to kick the Asstros in their collective posterior.  The first meeting between the two teams resulted in a one sided love affair, a clean sweep by the neighbors from the north who invaded the MMPUS with a cane and a high starched collar. 

Anybody seen my twinkies?

The Astros have been bringin’ it back winning their last five series of the season.  Doncha think its time to sit on the edge of reality? Despite these series wins the Good Guys are still crying in the chapel sitting down by the riverside in last place with a do not disturb sign on the beach shack that is the home of the Central Division cellar dwellers.  This series is highlighted by double trouble, twins from the bosom of Abraham himself–Fat Elvis vs Black Elvis–we’ll be together until its time for you to go.  

Sideburns, guys, I wanted sideburns. Like Elvis. Not me. Yeah, THAT Elvis.

Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (5-5, 2.82) vs  Kevin Millwood, RHP (6-4, 2.72)

Wandy my heart cries for you.  You follow a 3 game winning streak with a 3 game losing streak and a no decision, and now it is time to reach out to Jesus and put your hand in the hand of the spanish eyes that are steadfast loyal and true behind the plate.  Remember, you’re a heartbreaker for these Rangers, you have not lost to them in your career.  Beware of Ian Kinsler, who can’t help falling in love with you, he has a .700 average in 10 AB against you.

Millwood has given up more than 3 earned runs only three times this season.  But his lineup has left his blue eyes crying in the rain, providing enough runs to earn him only 6 wins on the season.  Six Astros have a batting average over .333 against Millwood. 

Russ Ortiz, RHP (3-2, 3.48) vs Matt Harrison, LHP (4-4, 5.43)

Coop shows confidence in Ortiz, keeping him in the starting rotation for the second time.  Don’t think twice its alright with Russ, he didn’t seem too thrilled to be sent to the bullpen, it gave him that dirty, dirty feeling.  Elvis is the devil in disguise for Ortiz, he sports a beginner’s luck 1.000 batting average against him (a double in only one AB).  Andruw Jones also sends Ortiz crying to the chapel (.417 in 31 plate appearances).

Matt Harrison has some golden coins in his right pocket.  That’s right his pocket contains the “dreaded pitcher that the Astros have never faced good luck charm”.  We have no chance.  NO CHANCE.  BBG’s, please don’t be cruel.  (Bet ya were waiting on that one, huh?)  This is Harrison’s first start after a couple of minor league rehab assignments (inflammation in his left shoulder).

  
Roy Oswalt, RHP (3-3, 4.37) vs  Vicente Padilla, RHP (5-3, 4.82)

Oswalt looked like he was gaining confidence in himself in his last start vs the Diamondbacks, as evidenced by some nasty curves he was letting flip flop and fly.  Big boss man showed he could be king of the whole wide world with much better control of his bread and butter pitches (fastball, curveball) for really the first time this season in the same game.  Jones (.538), Kinsler (.462) and Young (.306) have paralyzed RoyO in the past, but here’s hoping he’s on the money honey for this start.

Padilla has turned his season around already.  After being placed on waivers earlier in the year, he has posted wins against both Boston and the Angels.  In his last 5 starts he is 4-1, his last one being an eight hit shutout of the Dodgers.  The fat version of Elvis has the chance to turn from a Jack to a King against Padilla.  He feasts on Padilla like he’s downing Queenie Wahine’s papaya, in 18 ABs he has 10 hits with 5 doubles and 2 HRs.

Poison Ivy League

Astros

 Rangers

Tuesday–get your shiny red plastic batting helmet.  Helps protect your noggin from all those hard knocks.

Wednesday–Dollar hot dog night, wednesday autograph night and a reusable barf bag for when all those dollar dogs wanna come back up and be reused. 

Perfect for puke of every color!

Thursday–Rangers nightlight you can put in your garage and grow the green green grass of home.

Happy Ending
Funny how time slips away when you are having fun. Hope you were challenged to find the smorgasbord of song titles sung by the hound dog Elvis himself. Oh, how the web was woven.

Don’t be a stranger. Visit the Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce otherwise known as the GameZone.

Look, there’s no good reason to hate the Diamondbacks.  They’ve got a silly name, sure, something that sounds like a fictional team on an 80’s video game that couldn’t afford an MLB license; “Shit, we can’t have the Sox and Phillies?  How about a team in Phoenix with a snake mascot, and a team in Florida with a completely harmless aquatic mascot?”  But that’s not really worthy of hate, especially for a team that once beat the Yankees in the World Series.  But the surging Astros have to face them this weekend, so fuck ’em anyway.

After winning the preceeding series against the Fucking Cubs, the ‘stros are either preparing for their patented mid-season surge, or just getting hopes high enough that they’ll refrain from trading any “crucial” pieces.   The D-backs should oblige in any case; they’re rudderless with an anemic offense backing up some strong starting pitching.  So with the hometown boys only five games out of first in the NL Central, and the tantilizing possibility of leapfrogging the Cubs and Pirates by Sunday dangling in front of our eyes, let’s keep on the sunny side and feast on some snake.  It tastes just like chicken.  (Which distinguishes it from Carlos Zambrano, who is [and I assume, tastes like] chickenshit.)

Matchups from MLB.com

Friday, 8:40 CST at Chase Field

Mike Hampton (4-4, 4.65) v. Dan(ny) Haren (4-4, 2.33)

This is the face of a man with a 2.33 ERA.

Seriously.

No, do not adjust your monitor.  The guy who hit on your sister at every party in high school, before going off to follow Dave Matthews around the country for a summer has a better ERA that Roy Oswalt.  Yet somehow, he’s 4-4, showing that the run support he’s getting is truly atrocious.  Even better, Pudge and Miggy have hit him well, with Beaker the only Astro who’s failed to get a hit off of him.  Get to Haren early, and this could be a fun night.

Of course, by way of comparison, here is a recent picture of Mike Hampton:

Caring about kids' schools = dating their teacher

So he’s got that going for him.  Which is nice.  In reality, the more appropriate picture is something like this:

Gimme some sugar, baby

Hammy’s last two starts have been a lot more Harvey Dent than “why the hell are you moping over the death of a Gyllenhaal Goblin?”, and he has his work cut out for him against the Baby Backs.  Since most of the players on Arizona’s roster were in Huggies when Hampton had his best years, he hasn’t faced many of them.  Unfortunately, the ones he has face have hit him well; Mark Reynolds and Chris Snyder are both at .500, and Augie Ojeda is .667.  Time to adjust those averages down a bit, methinks.

Saturday, 7:10 CST

Roy Oswalt (2-3, 4.66) v. Jon Garland (4-6, 5.61)

Well, aren’t we glad we didn’t trade for Garland now?  The Christmas decoration has lost four in a row, and hasn’t won since May 19th, and is really, really pressing the question of just how valuable an innings eater is when he’s giving up runs at a steady clip.  The former AL-ers in Mud and Blood hit him well, except for Pudge (.178), with Tejada’s .435, 2 HR, and 8 ribbies leading the way.

Roy.  What else can we say about the Mississippi Midget? If it were possible to surgically extract bad innings from games, Coop (or Geoff Blum) would have Dr. James Andrews on speed dial for every Oswalt start. Fortunately, Roy is a Reds-esque 7-1 lifetime against the D-Backs, and he owns Mark Reynolds, who’s 0-fer against Roy-O.  Stephen Drew, Chris Young, and Miguel “Mitsubishi” Montero have all hit him fairly well, so hopefully their part of the lineup won’t be up when the Oswalt Inning arrives.

Sunday, 3:10 CST

Brian Moehler (2-4, 6.95) v. Billy Buckner (2-2, 6.75)

Don’t make the obvious joke. Don’t make the obvious joke. Don’t make the obvious joke, Mookie.

Shit.

Buckner actually sees a lot more balls going over his head than between his knees (that’s what she said), having given up roughly one homer every start en route to his Moehler-esque ERA.  Race to the bottom you guys! (also what she said)

Moehler pisses me off, so in lieu of telling you how Eric Byrnes somehow owns him, here’s a picture of a ferret clown.

WFW

If there’s any justice in the world, that’ll be the subject of a JackAstro photoshop before you’re done reading this.

Injury Reports (for your fantasy team!)

Astros

Aaron Boone – ruining his career with AutoTune

Doug Brocail – yelling at his hamstring to make it heal

Kaz Matsui – trying to kick Usain Bolt’s ass.

Felipe Paulino – whiplash sustained slingshotting between bullpen and rotation

Jose Valverde – he’s coming.  And hell’s coming with him.

D-backs

Tony Clark – Trying to persuade Bob Melvin to let him DH.

Tom Gordon – Consulting with producers of a porn version of “The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon”

Conor Jackson – Valley Fever.  Seriously.

Yusmeiro Petit – is very small.

Chad Tracy – Surgery to remove girl’s name.

Brandon Webb – Wondering why Jake Peavy gets all the cute trade rumors.

Promotions

Friday: Post-game fireworks, you guys!  In a dry dry desert!  What could go wrong?

Saturday: Concert by crypto-Christian power-pop band Lifehouse.  Screw that.  We like our secretly Christian bands more like Cold War Kids.

Sunday: Hey, kids: want to learn how to make that pussy cream?  Get there early for your Baxter Soap Dispenser. I think I need to go wash my hands now.

Things to Watch For:

• Moehler’s final turn in the starting rotation.
• Number of times JD rolls his eyes (audibly) at another Billy Buckner joke.
• Hampton picking pitches by flipping a scarred coin.
• Seriously, a fucking bobcat soap dispenser?  Are there that few players on the D-backs who deserve a bobblehead?

Discuss the games in the Game Zone!

***WARNING: If you are faint of heart, don’t find me ranting incoherently funny, or do not like reading long strings of swear words, this is NOT the Series Preview for you. You should probably go re-read one of strosrays’ previews and just pretend it’s about this series. Odds are you’ll learn more that way anyway.***

Minute Maid Park

The Astros are starting to play some decent baseball. They’ve won a few series in a row, things are starting to look up as a few of the important bullpen parts are close to returning fairly soon, and there might just be a small light at the end of this early season tunnel… Or that light might just be the oncoming train full of drunken, shirtless cocksucker Cub fans on their way to Minute Maid to out-cheer, out-drunk, out-obnoxious, and out-asshole the Houston fans. It could be either one.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

Ted Lilly (6-4, 3.28) v. Brian Moehler (2-4, 6.37)

Fuck Ted Lilly. I hate that guy. He’s a slop throwing lefty that sucks shit through a straw, but for whatever reason, he has a lot of success against Major League hitters (as well as the Astros). As a team, the Astros are hitting .209 against him. Fan-fucking-tastic. Keppinger is the only one with anything approaching success against Lilly, sporting a robust .350 average (7-20). Pudge (6-22) doesn’t suck horribly, but that’s about it when trying to find a silver lining. And speaking of lacking a silver lining…

Brian Moehler should be in the fucking bullpen. He’s a slop throwing righty that is solid for about one and a half times through the order. After that, the Astro Brass starts handing out hard hats so people standing by the Conoco Pump don’t get concussed by screaming, lopsided baseballs being launched their way until Coop wakes up decides the fans have been punished enough and brings in whatever former/future starter he’s deemed not good enough to start but good enough to clean up Moehler’s mess. And here’s some solid news: The Cubs as a team hit .297 against Brian. Milton Bradley and Geovanny Soto are a combined 3 for 19 against him. The rest of the starters light ol’ Moehler up like a christmas tree. Fuck.

Wednesday

Carlos Zambrano, RHP (4-2, 3.72) v. Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (5-5, 2.97)

FUCK Carlos Zambrano. If there is a just God in the universe, Carlos will manage to either miss his flight or end up catching the wrong plane and landing in Houston, Alaska. And while he’s there, maybe the natives will mistake him for a fat seal and club the hell out of him. The Astros hit a dismal .226 against Fat Fuck, so don’t expect an offensive explosion today. Kabong (17-49, 4 dingers), Miggy (7-15, 1 bomb), and Pudge (3-10, 4 Ks) are the only guys with any success against him.

Wandy has just been absolutely crushed all over the yard in his last few starts. Apparently, acting manager Geoff Blum brought this up on the radio today, and it’s been confirmed by Astros.com. I sure as hell hope he’s just tipping his pitches and not running out gas this early in the year. Wandy has been pretty awesome up until the last few games, and seeing him check in with a full season of domination would certainly make me feel better about this team’s pitching staff in the long run. Current Cubs hit Wandy at a .277 clip, with almost all the damage being done by Derrek Lee (12-24) and Ryan Theriot (9-18). I can understand Lee, but come on… Ryan Theroit? Seriously? Fuck that guy.

Thursday

Ryan Dempster, RHP (4-3, 4.12) v. Roy Oswalt, RHP (2-3, 4.66)

Fuck Ryan Dempster. He balks every fucking time he pitches. He sucks ass, but somehow doesn’t get shelled, and on top of all that, his name is about as close to dumpster you can get without seeing/smelling a former dot.com millionaire. The Good Guys hit Dumpster at a .280 clip. Kabong (7-20), Thunderpants (8-17), Kepp (5-12), and Bourn (3-9) all smack his bitch ass around pretty good. Everyone else either sucks or kind of sucks against him.

I won’t treat Roy Oswalt like a Cub. I will say, however, that Roy needs to nut up and start pitching like an ace again. I’m sick of watching a guy that can hit the mid-90s on the gun nibbling like he’s fucking Jamie Moyer. And while we’re on the subject, FUCK Jamie Moyer. But, I digest. Anyway, The Cubs hit .261 against Roy, with only a few standout performers. The Game of Temper Tantrum (3-8, 1 HR) and Micah Fucking Hoffpauir (2-3, 1 HR, and yes, his fucking middle name is Fucking, shut up) both have had good success against Roy in limited quantities. Derrek Lee (16-55, 3 HR) has decent numbers, and ErrorMiss (16-63, 4 HR and 15 RBI) has good power numbers. Everyone else is eh to meh.

Notable Giveaways This Series

Tuesday is Double Play Tuesday. We’re looking at you, Miggy and Carlos.

Wednesday is 10th Season Tee Shirts.

Thursday is the stupidest looking bobble-head I’ve ever seen. Attention Astros Marketing Department: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? STOP THAT SHIT!

Combined Injury Reports

Cubs

Chad Fox is on the 15 day DL with a right elbow injury. His return date is Unknown. Ohhhh, mysterious.

Ryan Freel is a cocksucker. And he strained his hamstring and is on the 15 day DL.

Rich Harden mildly strained his back while giving Carlos Zambrano a horsey-ride. Don’t ask. He’s gone until mid-June. Good riddance, says I.

Aaron Miles is listed on the 15 day DL, but I’m pretty sure he’s an asshole… and will be playing during this series.

Aramiss Ramirez is on the 15 day DL STILL after he dislocated his shoulder early this year and isn’t expected back until mid-July. Fucker.

Houston

Aaron Boone left his heart in San Fransisco…

Brocail is still out with a torn fucking hamstring. That makes me cringe more than a Cub fan in a sports bra.

Geary is getting close, but still on the 15 day DL with tendonitis in his right arm.

Felipe Paulino strained his right groin yesterday. Insert your own joke here.

And Papa Grande is getting close to returning as well, as he threw a few simulated innings before the game yesterday and is feeling pretty decent.

Our Interesting Things to Look For:

• This series should be a pretty good test to see if this mild resurgance is the real deal or not for the Good Guys. The Cubs have been struggling pretty badly recently, and few things in this world make me smile more than peckerslapping those lovable fucking losers from Shitcago.
• Just like SXSW in Austin, look for a bunch of pasty faced drunk ass fuckwads to be hanging around Houston/Minute Maid all weekend. They’ll be hammered drunk, smell vaguely like your gym shorts the last week of high school, and mostly annoy the shit out of you. Just remember Mark’s Golden Rule of Dealing With Cub Fans: FUCK ‘EM. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ‘EM.
• FUCK THE CUBS

And on a more personal note, I’d just like to congratulate two more Talk Zone regulars on tying the knot. Congrats y’all!

The Astros cranked out three straight wins against the Rukkakes before Wandy took it on the chin Thursday. Thunderpants had a manly stroke Wednesday, popping four hits that included a prodigious money shot over the railroad tracks. Pence is fourth in the league in hitting, while Tejada is leading the league.

The Pirates lost two of three at home to the Astros last weekend, then traded off their young All-Star Nate McLouth and celebrated by sweeping the stupid fucking Mets. The Pirates cleared a spot for young hotshot centerfielder Andrew McCutchen with the trade and he’s already in the starting line-up. McCutchen should be an All-Star in two to three years, when he’ll be traded to the Cubs for Ryan Theriot and a handful of goat shit.

The Astros could climb over the Pirates and get out of the cellar this series; it is about time for the Pirates’ annual fade, after all. But then again, if this series goes to shit the Astros may as well settle into the cellar and set up a mushroom garden. Of course Lee and Berkman would just eat it, but you know.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, June 5, 7:05 p.m. – FSH-HD
Saturday, June 6, 6:05 p.m. – FSH-HD
Sunday, June 7, 1:05 p.m. – my20pixelsHD

Hurry back with your dulcet tones, Brownie. Do and Ray are yammering incessantly and stepping all over JD.

Also, a memo to Fox Sports – I’m tired of seeing douchebag Kobe Bryant being the Tickle Man. It’s not making me want to watch your annoying show.

Notable giveaways

Friday – Free car wash
Saturday – Free towel
Sunday – Kids run the bases

Pretty slim pickings on the schwag front this weekend. The best part is Sunday when kids can run around the bases as many times as they want, with the added bonus of being caught in a rundown by the Astros’ infielders the entire time. Every kid who scores gets a free minor league contract, so come out Sunday and help Ed Wade restock the minors.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Jeff Karstens (2-2, 4.83) v. Mike Hampton (3-4, 5.07)

Karstens is 1-0 in two career appearances against the Astros, both of which came earlier this season. He’s given up five earned runs in 11 innings against the Good Guys, along with 10 hits, six walks and five strikeouts. Lee, Berkman, and Pence are all 1-for-5 against him, with Pence’s hit being a homer. Tejada is 3-for-9 against Karstens with two doubles.

Hampton is 12-3 in 18 career appearances against the Pirates, and he hasn’t lost to them in more than nine years. That includes two wins and an ERA of 0.69 this season. Current Bucs are a combined 7-for-58 (.121) against Hampton, with Eric Hinske being the only one who’s done anything at all (2-for-3 with a double and a homer). Nobody else has more than one hit – or any extra-base hits – off Hampton.

Saturday
Paul Maholm (3-2, 3.82) v. Roy Oswalt (2-2, 4.28)

Maholm has 10 appearances against Houston and a 5-4 record, and he’s 0-1 this year. Current Astros have 136 at-bats against him but no one’s done much. Hunter Pence is the best of the lot at 5-for-16 with two doubles. Berkman and Lee are a combined 7-for-46 against him. Maysonet and Bourn are both 2-for-4.

Roy has a 13-6 record against the Pirates but he hasn’t faced them this season. No one on the Pirates has a homer off him, though Ann Wilson (24-for-66, .364) and Dirty Sanchez (11-for-30, .367) have hit him well. Andy LaRoche has six hits and six strikeouts against Roy.

Sunday
Ian Snell (1-6, 5.64) v. Felipe Paulino (1-4, 6.21)

Snell is 2-5 in 12 appearances against the Astros, but hasn’t seen them this season. Hunter Pence has a homer off Snell, and Bourn is 4-for-10 against him. Berkman is only 4-for-19 but also has 12 walks.

Paulino has only pitched one inning against the Pirates (in 2007) and Ann Wilson is 1-for-1 against him. He’s had four quality starts in his last five games, but hasn’t gotten much run support.

Injury Report

Pittsburgh – Third-baseman Andy LaRoche is questionable for this series. Reliever Tyler Yates (elbow), catcher Ryan Doumit (wrist), and starter Donnie “Try the” Veal (groin) are all on the 15-day DL. Starter Phil Dumatrait and reliever Craig Hansen are having a seat over there on the 60-day DL.

Houston – Geoff Geary may start a rehab assignment in Corpus Christi this weekend, so for God’s sake wear a helmet if you live down there. Click it or ticket. Jose Valverde might be back in another week or so; once Valverde is active, Billy Mays will be brought in to thoroughly clean all the stains in the trainer’s room. Doug Brocail and Kazuo Matsui are still comparing their sprung hamstrings.

Interesting Things

* Andy mentioned the Chivas horseface cockjockeys in the GameZone the other night. Holy shit, that one horseface with the fucking teeth looks like he could bite an apple in half.

* In these difficult and trying times, it’s comforting to know the Astros are lovingly sponsored by the Church of Scientology. According to sources close to the Astros who spoke to ESPN, Xenu is trying to get Orbit to come out of retirement and embrace his true past identity as a reincarnated thetan. The cleansing process is expected to require a soul audit and several expensive re-education courses, culminating in lawsuits all around. Negotiations with Junction Jack have stalled.

* In the spirit of special-label beer cans for stupid people who can’t tell the can is cold, Double Whataburgers will now come with an available meat indicator, and Southwest 737’s will be equipped with a thumbs up/thumbs down airworthiness certificate. Think of it as Dumbass Insurance.

* I spent last weekend in Chicago, surrounded by Cubs and Sox fans. One billboard from a stop-smoking campaign made me laugh – “Cubs Win World Series” and underneath “make sure you’re still alive to see it”

* Actually, fuck the Cubs

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

SEASONS IN HELL Vol. I, No. 3

June 1-4, 2009

Rockies (20-29) @ Astros (20-28)

Monday 7:05 p.m. CDT FOX-Houston
Tuesday 7:05 p.m. CDT FOX-Houston
Wednesday 7:05 p.m. CDT FOX-Houston
Thursday 7:05 p.m. CDT FOX-Houston

The cellar dwellers from the NL West and the NL Central get together this week for a four-game soirée.  If they could somehow get the Nationals into town, too, they could engage in a bizarre three-way that for some reason has me thinking of the South Park episode where all the men in town decide they are bisexual and engage in a massive man orgy. Not a nice vision to have (YTISWWT).

Bizarre homoerotic imagery aside, this will be a totally inconsequential series that will decide, well, nothing. I cannot imagine anyone outside of Denver and Houston paying any attention to it, unless it is scouts from NL contending teams, swirling around above the proceedings, riding the updrafts and deciding which Astros and Rockies veteran players to make a play for when their teams inevitably gird up their loins for a playoff run.

The only minor subplots revolve around the managers. Jim Tracy comes in as the shiny new head man for the Colorados, having replaced deposed field general Clint Hurdle last week. Tracy is a knowledgeable baseball man who has been around the block a few times managerially speaking, with minimal success. Expect the same in Rockie-land. Meanwhile, the drumbeat of calls for Astro skipper Cecil Cooper’s head have abated somewhat, with the series win in Pittsburgh. Presumably the clamor will start up again as soon as the Astros start losing again, and/or Cooper does something questionable on or off the field. Shouldn’t be long, either way.

Of course, people close to the situation don’t know shit, and should realize it takes a knowledgeable outsider like Jon Heyman to tell us what a bad idea it would be to shitcan Coop. Heyman somehow managed to do it without working himself or his wife (if he has one, I kind of wonder) or Noé or pravata ferret into the story, too.

Like a lot of other people, I have no idea where the Astros go from here. I do know I am out of the business of trying to foretell how they will fare, game-to-game. In the just completed Pittsburgh series, staff ace Wandy Rodriguez got knocked out of the box, while proles Brian Moehler and Mike Hampton twirled gems. That kind of wackiness is endearing in a way; but underneath, it signifies one fucked up team, going nowhere. I don’t know if changing managers would matter much now, no matter who was brought in, and anyway Drayton McLane has already indicated he is not firing anyone he just gave an extension to. That would make him look be stupid. As BudGirl said in the TZ, “Looks like a long season.”

PITCHING MATCHUPS
Monday June 1 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Roy Oswalt (1-2, 4.62)
Roy Oswalt’s start this season sort of mirrors his team’s, which is not to say his difficulties to date are the primary reason his team sucks for air at this point. But it doesn’t help any.

Colorado Aaron Cook (3-2, 4.82)
Cook got off to a terrible start this season, and has been slowly working his way back from it. He is tough when his sinker is working; it is a pitch that probably helps him in Coors, of course. . . it helps him in MMPUS, too – he has done quite well in Houston through his career.

Tuesday June 2 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Felipé Paulino (1-4, 6.75)
I want to think about the Paulino who was so tough through his first few starts, not whoever it is who has been inhabiting his body since. It is irrational and unsupportable, but I blame Cooper’s lack of a cohesive pitching plan for Paulino’s troubles this season, at least part of them.

Colorado Ubaldo Jimenez (3-6, 4.37)
Erratic, throws hard, pitched well against the Astros in Denver.

Wednesday June 3 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Brian Moehler (2-3, 6.43)
Moehler was brilliant in Pittsburgh, pitching a complete game in leading the Astros to a 4-1 win. He has had really good outings since his return from the DL, and a few bad ones. I am going to err on the side of optimism and say he hasn’t been consistent yet because of the time he missed.

Colorado Jason Marquis (7-3, 3.93)
Marquis is putting together a nice season. Some think he will not finish it in Colorado, however. The Astros had their way with him earlier this year in Coors.

Thursday June 4 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Wandy Rodriguez (5-4, 2.26)
Wandy has faltered lately, but that was on the road. One assumes (hopes?) in the friendly confines of MMPUS, he will return to dominating form.

Colorado Jason Hammel (1-3, 4.83)
Tall guy, not exactly a flamethrower. He didn’t do terribly in his first start against the Astros this season (7 hits, 4 R/ ER in 5.1 IP on May 14 in Coors), but he took the loss, anyway.

INJURIES
Houston – Jose Valverde (strained calf), 15-day DL, returns this week; Doug Brocail (strained left hamstring), 15-day DL, returns late may, or he could need surgery; Geoff Geary (right biceps tendinitis), early June maybe; Kazuo Matsui (strained right hamstring), 15-day DL, mid-June.

Colorado – Whole bunch of guys with various injuries.

SHINE, SHINE, THE LIGHT OF GOOD WORKS SHINE
This past week saw the departure of TZ heartthrob Alyson Footer from regular coverage of the Astros online, as she took a front office job with the Houston team, a job with a description some of us don’t really understand, or care to. All we know is no more Alyson on astros.com, and there definitely is something wrong with that.

Some people won’t believe it when I say a good many All-American red-blooded SnS-ers love Alyson not because of her long legs and shapely figure, or those flowing, curly, luxurious red locks; rather, we love her for her mind. Really, I am not kidding.

Oh, we like all the other stuff, too, but that is lagniappe. For several years, Alyson Footer has written incisively and clearly about the Houston Astros, day to day, and she never tried to inject herself into the story line or co-opt any of her readers/critics or turn everything that happened on or off the field into some facile, self-serving psychological study. She just told us what we saw, and added in some stuff we didn’t see but she did, in order to give our mental picture of the team some depth of field, some perspective with which to try and think about what we saw going on before us. Her insights into Cecil Cooper this season, as an example, have greatly informed my own thinking about the Astros skipper and all the shenanigans surrounding him. I still jump to stupid, unsupportable conclusions, all the time; but I believe I jump to far fewer than I would otherwise, thanks mostly to Alyson Footer.

Another reason I think we took to Alyson is we sense she is something like us, that she has a sort of skewed worldview colored by natural skepticism, like we do (her response in the farewell thread only reinforced this impression.) We could see that she was in possession of a sensitive internal bullshit meter, and not hesitant to comment about whomever or whatever set it off, whenever it went off.

Personally, Alyson reminds me a lot of a female drinking buddy I had in high school and college. My friend was a girl, yes, and pretty; but she had so much depth of character and intelligence and humor that I actually managed to look at her as a compadre first, a partner in crime, sort of. Most guys will tell you, that’s a big deal, not thinking of a woman, any woman, first (at least partly) as an object of desire.

This girl friend of mine and I had great fun over the years and managed to never fall into a physical relationship, although I sure as hell wanted to sometimes, especially after a lot of drinking. But I kept it to myself, out of respect for her and the person she was, and out of respect for the unique understanding we had.

Respect. That is what we have for you, Alyson Footer. For being smart. For being funny. For not lying to us, or letting your ego take over the clear vision you had of what the hell was going on out there. Alyson, I was joking in the farewell thread, trying to out-creepy some of my fellow denizens in the TZ (a difficult thing to do, let me tell you.)

These are my real words of pizmotality.  My admiration for you is immense, and I respect you tremendously; for the reporter you are, for the person you are. Good luck in your new venture, I have no doubt you will do well. And I’ll go out drinking with you anytime, no strings attached.

THE WEATHER
Who cares? The roof’ll be closed anyway.

Astros split the series, 2-2. Cooper retains his job, for now.

You burn me up I’m a cigarette
You hold my hand I begin to sweat
You make me nervous
Ooh, I’m nervous

It must be real bad karma
For this to be my dharma
With you

********

It’s going to happen any minute now, maybe even before I’m through “writing” this.  Meaning that Mad Cecil will be formally sacked, gutted, garroted, eviscerated, cleaved, flayed, or simply taken behind the barn and shot for his many sins both foreign and domestic.  Did he get the support he needed and deserved?  I think largely, yes until the silliness reached its tipping point with the resolute non-bunting in Chicago followed by the scorecard idiocy, and the clumsiness in his comments regarding Oswalt and others.  That’s not even counting the awful handling of Bourn and misuse of the bullpen, and all of the weird pronouncements along the way.  Drayton and Wade will be made to look like jackasses in relieving Cooper within sixty days of handing him an extension–an extension he had to have in order to keep any semblance of authority over a team he lost last season.  Maybe Drayton will now formerly exorcise his bizarre fealty to Bud Selig, having been schmoozed on the idea of dismissing Garner in favor of Mad Cecil.  Oh, and that thing with Wrigley North, too, Drayton–that kinda sucked, don’t you think?  Goddamn Selig.

Astros manager Cecil Cooper (shown here in formal managerial attire) contemplates the treachery around him.

All that aside, your really awful 18-27 Houston Astros bring their travelling horseshit show to sunny Pittsburgh, 5-5 over their last ten games at 21-26 and squatting directly over your hometown nine.  Damn, that’s an awful position.  The Pirates have a fair amount of young, talented players that are being carefully nurtured along until they can be traditionally dispersed later this season to the Cubs, Yankees, and Red Sox.   Led by they LaRoche sisters (Adam and Andy) they also have speedster Nate McLouth, the ever-raking Freddy “Dirty” Sanchez, and the remaining Wilson sister, Jack.  There’s a slew of other young guys in and out of the lineup rapping doubles and tear-assing around the base paths–just the thing that could spell trouble for the wheezing, clown shoe wearing Astros.  Cue the circus music.

Projected Pitching Matchups:

Friday, May 29

Brian “Man the Warning Track” Moehler (1-3, 8.31) v. Ross “Kent” Ohlendorf, RHP (5-4, 4.20)

Goddamn Moehler’s getting hammered and is looking like the Moehler we’ve suspected lurked somewhere around the credible 2008 edition.  He got torched against the Rangers (well, who didn’t?) and is probably still a little gimpy with his aging right knee.  Take a shot for the team, Brian.  I endorse cortisone early and often.

Ohlendorf is a sneaky little shit just like Niedermeyer.  Oh, wrong character.  Anyway, Dorfmann has pitched okay lately and survives if he can keep the damn ball down–sort of like that Moehler guy.  If these two fine fellows are off their game, PNC Park will be a launching pad.

Saturday, May 30

Wandy “El Culo” Rodriguez (5-3, 1.71) v. Jeff “Ping” Karstens, RHP (1-2,5.19)

Wandy gave up a buttload of unearned runs in his last start during the ill-fated Cincy shitfest, courtesy of Tejada booting the goddamn ball all over the place.  Anyway, you’re quite familiar with how effective Wandy’s been this season, clearly dominant in a number of starts.  He’ll be facing  Karstens who has been crappy all year which means he’ll turn into fucking Cy Young on Saturday.  Book it.

Sunday, May 31

Mike “GCG” Hampton (2-4, 5.63) v. Paul Maholm, LHP (3-1, 4.11)

Hampton looked sharp in his earlier start against the Pirates back on April 15th, but has been leaking oil ever since.  Scouts are whispering that he’s done, which would mean he ain’t exactly a replacement for Randy Wolf after all.  I don’t know–I’d like to watch him a couple of more times before pronouncing him road kill.  Maholm is good if his curve is working and he can keep the ball down, this according to Pittsburgh writers.  Duh–I guess that works for a lot of guys, doesn’t it?  It also helps if the opposing team shows up with absolutely no approach at the plate–remind you of anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Astros?  Astros?

MASH Report

Backe returns from the DL, bringing his sub-AAA crap to the already depleted Houston bullpen.  Wright and his 2009 sub-MLB stuff heads for the PCL.  What a deal.

Blum is day to day with a strained left hamstring suffered going up and down the dugout steps to explain managerial fuck ups to young players.

Boone is a malingerer.

Brocail is happily on the DL with a strained hamstring so he doesn’t have to listen to any of Cooper’s bullshit and can drink beer and read up on all of his AARP mail.

Geary has right biceps tendinitis.  Use your wrist, Geoff; you should have learned that in middle school.

Valverde: crazy as a goddamn bat sitting out in his backyard eating leaves and other shit.

Pittsburgh:

Matt Capps has a right elbow contusion, Ryan Doumit has a fractured right wrist, Tyler Yates has right elbow inflammation–go easy on the hotel room porn, guys, especially when you’re in there  together.  Craig Hansen has neck spasms from watching it all happen.  Freak.

Pirate Giveaways

Friday: they’re giving away a “Pirates Travel Mug” which is a black plastic mug with a yellow “P” on the side.  I’m not making this up.  Now, fans will have no need to make a pit stop between Pittsburgh and Harrisburg.

"Travel mug" for use after that third cup of coffee.

Sunday: you get a “Matt Capps Replica Batting Practice Jersey.”  Sponsored by Vivid Videos.

Other Things

You might have heard that I had the good fortune of sitting in Drayton’s seats the other night. Well, I sat in Mrs. Drayton’s seat, actually, and it was all soft and comfy. I got to see some interesting things, including:

ybbodeus attempting to eat every olive offered at the Diamond Club buffet line, while we waited, WAITED for him to finish in order to see the first pitch.  Denied.  He apparently doesn’t get olives at home.  Or, fruit cup.

yybodeus engaging in prolonged Adderall and Stella Artois fueled happiness which translated at times into strange dances even for an aging white man.

Pudge Rodriguez standing in the on deck circle and laughing his ass off, wondering who let these assholes in the joint?

Barking at the home plate ump for his shit toss of Berkman and realizing that it’s probably the first time that both profanity and beer spittle had been hurled from those seats.  Just trying to do my part for the cause.  I did find myself looking around a time or two at the other club patrons who seemed to be nervously watching the spectacle in the seats in front of them.  Security was on it, too.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner, accompanying security detail in Diamond Club inspection (file photo)

Drinking, DRINKING with the fellow SnSers at The Bus both before and after the game.  Good lads.  Limey never once mentioned his plans for herding Republican scum into work camps.  Homer graciously drank with the old men and stood ready to catch us when we would topple.  OregonStrosFan recited Keats or Yeats or Jesus Alou–nobody really knew.  And, gleach, God bless him, made it all happen.

Damn, boys (and girls)–it can’t get much worse.  It’s hard watching your team getting their ass kicked by the godless Dickities and it won’t improve if the same happens with the Pirates.  Seven in a row means something’s got to give.  Cooper, yes, but  I also suggest that Das take a slumpbuster.  Couldn’t hurt.