After an abbreviated winning road trip, the Astros wanted to go somewhere where everyone knows their name, but the trip home did not make anyone glad they came. Of the 6 games they have played on the homestand, the hometown nine lost 5. The friendly confines of the MMPUS have not been so friendly this year, resulting in a 9 -15 home record. Maybe we should take this series to the Queen City, the Pearl of the Ohio Valley.

Monday        May 25     12:10 p.m.    FSH-HD
Tuesday        May 26     6:10 p.m.      FSH
Wednesday   May 27     6:10 p.m.      FSH

While we are wondering whatever became of our Astros, the Cincinnati Reds have been hanging close to the NL Central leaders by posting a winning road record (13-8).  They haven’t been so good at home (10-12).  So they blew it up.

And then built the Great American Ballpark  Don’t know what is so great about it.  Is it really American?  I’ll bet there are some parts from China.  Or Taiwan.  And every time I see that stadium name, all I can hear is the theme from the Great Space Coaster playing in my head until I want to scream. 

Probable Pitching Matchups

Monday May 25  Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (5-2, 1.83) vs Aaron Harang, RHP (4-4, 3.19) 

This game is a rematch between Rodriguez and Harang where Wandy pitched 7 innings of one run ball to earn the win. Wandy has been nothing short of  super, uh, super, uh, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious this season, allowing no more than 3 earned runs in any game, even on the road.  He seems to have learned how to bury his Road Wandy alternate personality, and only lets Home Wandy come out to play.

Harang has faced the Astros twice this season, resulting in one win and one loss.  In his last start, he allowed 6 hits and 6 runs in only 5 innings, for his third loss this year.  Matsui had 3 hits in that game, his only 3 hit game of the season.  If you remove the 10 earned runs in 11 innings that the Astros have pinned on the Harangotan this year, his season ERA drops more than a full point from 3.19 to 2.05.  Several Astros have excellent averages against the Harangotan; Pudge (.600), Blum (.588) and Matsui(.444) lead the pack. 

Tuesday May 26  Roy Oswalt, RHP (1-2, 4.47) vs Micah Owings, RHP (3-5, 4.70)  

Oh where, oh where has my little Roy gone?  Oh where, oh where can he be?  After two no-decisions against the Reds earlier this year, here’s hoping that the phrase “the third time is the charm” works it magic on Roy.  In thirteen innings he has only given up one earned run to the Reds this season.  To say he has had a lack of run support would be putting it mildly.  Laynce Nix and Alex Gonzalez (.429 each) should be on Roy’s list of players to avoid if he wants to earn a win with this one.

Owings has not started against the Astros this year.  In two starts before this season, he is 1-0 with a 1.69 ERA.  Lee, Pence and Tejada have had relative sucess against Owing, albeit in an extremely small sample size (5 or less ABs). 

Wednesday May 27  Felipe Paulino, RHP (1-3, 6.90) vs Bronson Arroyo, RHP (6-3, 5.79)   

Paulino has been jerked around too much by Cap’n Tinker, on that we can all agree. Like Roy, he has allowed only 1 run to the Reds in two starts, but got no-decisions in both.   Paulino needs to pull out the Raid to use on Lance Nix who sports an .800 BA against him. 

Arroyo is just one ugly SOB.  That nasty ass mullet is a crime against humanity.  I’d give fiddy bucks to watch him get shorn like an Australian sheep. Berkman and Matsui usually have their way with Arroyo, maybe he can be the Red Bull that gives an energy boost to their bats.

Who’s got a Bobo?

Houston

• Valverde has a strained baby cow. 
• Backe is still up the canal.
• Blum and Brocail need new hamstrings.
• Geary needs fixing.  That means you Budgirl.
• Boones’ heart is still achy breaky.

 Cincinnati

• King  Edward Encarnacion has a wristocracy. 
• Nick Masset strained the obligatory oblique. 
• Brandon Phillips fractured his fairy tales, otherwise known as his Tom Thumb. 
• Volquez strained his bacque.
• Votto is doing his best impersonation of Dizzy Dean.

Promotions and Giveaways

Nothing.  Not one damn thing. Even on Memorial Day.  Marge Schott  is cheap.  And dead.

Other Crap
This hotel internet connection is a piece of shit. I can’t count on my two hands the times I hit “Save Draft” just to go back to the main hotel page and have to rewrite everything all over again.

I am at a convention and saw this guy going up the opposite escalator while I was going down.  The logo on his shirt just jumped out at me and I had to take a picture.  You can come up with your own interpretation, but I figure it means: First one with his head in his ass, last one with his head out…

Follow along in the GameZone.

Minute Maid Park

After a split (that could’ve been a 2 game sweep, Thanks Gerry Coop) with the Fuck the Cubs, the Astros cruise home to play the Wrigley North temporary residents, the Brew crew. The Good Guys have been on a decent hot streak recently with a 3 game sweep of the Padres, 2 out of 3 from the Rocks, and the above mentioned split with the FTCs. This series should be a good test to see if this upswing is fo’real, or just a pale mockery of the first few months of the Reds’ season.

Tuesday, May 19, 7:05p.m. FSN-HD

Wednesday, May 20, 7:05p.m.

FSN-HD Thursday, May 20, 7:05p.m.FSN-HD

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday Dave Bush (2-0, 3.83) v Mike Hampton (2-3, 5.31)

Bush has started off the season pretty strong, despite an early relief appearance in which he gave up 2 earned runs in just one inning. Since then, he’s started 7 games and gone 6 innings in them all, while allowing 3 or less earned runs all but once. The Good Guys do decently against Mr. Bush, with Hunter Pence and Geoff Blum (5-11 each, Blum with a homer) leading the charge. Twinkie (11-32, no homers but 4 doubles) smacks him around pretty good, Michael Bourn (2-5) has had some success in a small sample size, and Miggy (6-20)hits him okay too. Kabong (4-18), and Kepp (3-12) hit Dave decently, and the rest of the team pretty much sucks on ice against him.

After a great first month of the season numbers wise, Mike Hampton has struggled pretty badly in May. His ERA has ballooned from 3.86 on April 25th all the way up to 5.31 now, and the only win he’s has in 3 starts this month was in a shootout with the Rockies, playing just south of outer space. That being said, Hampton has been suffering mostly from one bad inning/pitch, giving up a home run as he tires in the 5th or 6th inning. I’m of the opinion that, if he can keep his composure about him, he’ll bounce back fine now that we’re playing closer to sea level.

Now on to the bad news: The Brewers absolutely tee off on Hampy. They sport a team average of .322 in 118 at bats. The biggest threats are Bill “Generic Nickname for a Generic Name” Hall (3-7 with a dinger), Ryan “Fucknose” Braun (3-3, all singles), Mike “Q-Killer” Cameron (10-33, double, triple, yacker), and Jason “How the hell am I still an effective Major League Baseball Player” Kendall (14-39). Prince Fielder only has 1 hit in 3 at bats, but it was a solo homer. The rest of the team either has a tiny sample size or hasn’t done shit against Hampy.

Wednesday Yovani Gallardo (4-1, 3.09) v Wandy Rodriguez (4-1, 1.90)

Yovani has a funny name, but that’s just about the only thing funny about him. He’s been pretty damn consistent so far this year, only giving up more than 3 runs in a start once in 7 tries. The Astros collectively hit .262 against Gallardo in 61 at bats, with only a few guys carrying the load. Kaz Matsui (3-7), El Kabong (3-9, 1 Kabong), and Michael Bourn (2-3) are the only guys with gaudy numbers against the Yoyo, and the rest of the Stros are below average at best. Puma and Pence are both 2 for 10 against him, and all 4 of those hits were singles and didn’t drive in any runs. It only gets worse from there. I’ll spare you the details.

Wandy gets the nod for the Good Guys tonight, and oh what a start he’s off to. In his two losses he gave up 3 runs in 6 innings and 1 run through 6 innings, so you can’t fault him for either of the “L”s he’s taken. Also, he’s struck out 48 and only walked 15. All around, he’s been pretty awesome so far. In 37 at bats, the Brew Crew hits .280 off of Wandy, with Corey Hart (10-23) and JJ Hardy (5-17, 2 bombs) doing most of the damage. Does anyone know a cool guy named JJ? All I can think of is JJ Hardy, who I don’t care much for and JJ Abrams, who is so obsessed with lens flare that it makes want to punch baby penguins every time I watch one of his movies.

On a semi-related note, anyone know where I can find a baby penguin in the Greater Austin Metroplex? I’m supposed to go see Star Trek again later this week.

Thursday Jeff Suppan (3-3, 4.63) v Roy Oswalt (1-2, 4.50)

Jeff Suppan is what he is. And that’s an inning eater that will give you the occasional good start and the occasional stinker. Take his last start for example: 6 innings, 6 hits, no runs, 2 walks, 2 strikeouts, and 18! ground balls. Then, take the start just before that one against the FTCubs: 5.2 innings, 8 hits, 4 runs, 3 of them earned, 2 walks, 3 strikeouts, 13 ground balls. Despite his middle-of-the-roadness, he’s pitched for 3 of the Astros’ NL Central Rivals, so I fucking hate him. The Astros have seen plenty of Jeff Suppan, and sport a team .292 average in 264 at bats. Geoff Blum (14-26,2 homers) wears Suppy out, Fat Elvis (14-34, 3 homers) mashes him , Pudge (6-17) knocks him around some, and Miggy (8-29, 11 RBIs but no homers) hits him pretty decent too. Carlos Lee struggles against him in the average department at .239 (16-67), but has hit 3 homers and 12 RBIs off him to make it more interesting. Everyone else pretty much sucks hind tit.

Roy Oswalt… Well, it’s Roy. I don’t have much to say I haven’t said 1000 times before. He just needs to read this thread and go from there. The Brewers are better than average against RoyO, but that isn’t saying much since average is pretty low. They sport a team batting average of .275 in 229 at bats with Corey Hart (6-13, 1 homer), Jason FUCKING Kendall (Man I hate this guy 16-41), Ryan Braun (3-8, with 2 homers), and Bill Hall (14-41, 1 homer) leading the charge.

Notable Giveaways This Series

Tuesday is Double Play Tuesday, which as far as I can tell, means that you get to pitch to Miggy and Kabong with a runner on first.

Wednesday they’re giving away Etched Crystal Minute Maid Park replicas to the first 10,000 fans that are drinking their 7 dollar beers with their pinkies in the air. Somebody get Bizidy on the horn, STAT!

Thursday is Price Matters day, which I can only assume is about Tampa Bay Pitcher David Price. Don’t get me wrong, being one of only 4 players to ever win a World Series Game before winning a regular season game is impressive and all, but couldn’t we at least honor an Astro or something? Or maybe a Raup Appreciation day. I’m out there fighting the good fight, roasting Clarks and calling people idiots so you can sit on your lazy ass and read this board. Where’s MY day Drayton?!

Combined Injury Reports

Brewers

David Riske is on the 15 day DL with tightness in his right elbow. He’s due back at the end of May, allegedly.

Rickie Weeks managed to tear the sheath in his wrist while swinging and missing. How shitty is that?

“So, Grandpa Ricky, how did you destroy your wrist and ruin what was shaping up to be an amazing season for you and the Brewers?”

“Well, sonny, I was facing slop-jar-full-of-nuts Todd Wellemeyer, and I swung and missed at strike three and my wrist imploded.”

“Wow grandpa, that story sucks.”

“Yeah it does, sonny. Yeah it does.”

Astros

Brandon Backe still has a strained beach muscle. He’s been rehabbing for about 3 years now, and Cooper/Wade/Pam are still trying to decide if they should just leave him in Corpus to “rehab” for the rest of his career or if they should call him up and take over pinch hitting duties for Jason Smith.

Aaron Boone is still shot through the heart, and you’re too blame.

Doug Brocail tore a tendon off the bone in his hamstring. I’ll repeat for emphasis: HE TORE A FUCKING TENDON IN HIS HAMSTRING OFF HIS FUCKING LEG BONE! He’s due back around late June, hopefully.

Geoff Geary is on the DL for general suckitude, which is listed politely as “right biceps tendonitis”. I apparently had that injury my entire pitching career.

El Papa Grande is still out with a strained calf. Now, I’ve strained my calf before, but I can assure you I never had to drain any fluid out of it afterwords, so I’d say this injury is a lot more serious than than the name implies… Then again, Valverde strained his closing a Major League baseball game, I strained mine getting off the couch to go grab another beer. So maybe it’s just a big league calf strain. He started throwing again last week, and is hoped to return in early June. That far off F-bomb you just heard was Latroy Hawkins also reading this news.

Our Interesting Things to Look For

• Much wailing and gnashing of teeth by John B. Brewerfan (the B is for bratwurst) about the loss of Rickie Weeks. My take? If he didn’t want to be so injury prone, he’d drop that wussified “ie” at the end of his name and just go with “y”. I can’t think of a single Rickie that has done a damn thing I care about in my life. But I can think of tons of Rickys that I appreciate: Ricky Ricardo, Ricky Williams, Ricky Martin… uh, anyway… Moving right along…

• It really is a struggle for me to dislike the Brewers (except for Jason Kendall and Ryan Braun, FUCK those guys). But, the more they’re in contention, the easier the hate flows. Nobody will ever top the Cubs in my Baseball Hatred List (patent pending), but the Brewers and their annoying habit of being not-terrible lately are starting register. The Pirates, on the other hand, love ’em! And, I bet you didn’t even know this, but Chad Duffy, former Pittsburg Pirate and all around speed merchant, is on the Brew Crew roster.

• Over/Under on the amount of snacks that Prince Fielder bums off Berkman in this 3 game series starts at 15.

Discuss today’s game in the GameZone, but if you see FiLoE make a stupid comment, let it slide. I’ll take care of it as soon as I get back from the computer.

Oh, and one more thing: Lets Go Red Wings!

The Astros had an entertaining series with the Rukkakes, including a rousing game Wednesday when the balls were spraying and dropping all over the place. Carlos Lee finally uncorked a bomb Thursday, then the Astros all wiped their dicks on the curtains and left town. Unfortunately there was a delay on the flight out of Denver because Cecil Cooper kept calling the control tower and changing the order for takeoffs.

Anyway, the Good Guys have climbed to within two games of .500, and the Pirates have finally settled into the NL Central cellar where they belong. Everyone else is within a half-game of each other. Including the Fuck the Cubs, who are coming off a sweep of the Padres. But everyone’s done that.

The Astros are only 1-4 against the dipshit Cubs this season, and even worse, those were all home games. It’s definitely time to reverse that trend, even if the Astros have to turn it around at the Cubs’ rusty old shit-heap stadium. Their southern stadium, I mean; not the one where the Astros play hurricane games.

Wrigley Field South

Friday, May 15, 1:20 p.m. CDT – FS-H
Saturday, May 16, 12:05 p.m. CDT – FS-H
Sunday, May 17, 1:20 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Every game in this series will have an afternoon start. But it’s not like you were going to get any work done anyway, so you might as well follow the games in the Gamezone.

Notable giveaways

Saturday – Cubs camo caps. Well if someone gave me a Cubs cap, I’d want to hide it too.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Brian Moehler (0-2, 8.44) v. Randy Wells (0-0, 0.00)

Moehler’s last start was his best outing of the season, as he held the Friars to one run in seven innings. He faced the Cubs in early April and didn’t make it out of the second inning. Soriano has hit Moehler well, and Derrek Lee has two homers off him.

Wells is a rookie right-hander, and that’s about all I know. He made a few relief appearances last year and got his first start last week against the Brewers. He lasted five innings and didn’t give up any runs. No one on the Astros has faced him, unless it was in Iowa or something.

Saturday
Roy Oswalt (1-2, 4.50) v. Sean Marshall (1-2, 4.06)

Roy is 12-12 against the FTC with a 3.88 ERA. ErrorMiss has four homers against Oswalt, but he’s on the DL and won’t be appearing in this series. Soriano and Derrek Lee each have three homers off Roy, while former Dickitie Ryan Freel has one. Meanwhile, Fuk-U is only 1-for-9 against Roy.

Marshall has gone 1-4 in five career appearances against Houston, though current Astros haven’t seen much of him. Hunter Pence is the only current Astro who’s homered off Marshall, and Lance Berkman is only 4-for-15 (.267) against him. Nobody else has more than one hit off him.

Sunday
Felipe Paulino (1-3, 6.93) v. Rich Harden (4-1, 4.54)

Paulino got bombed by the Rockies in his last start; he also pitched less than an inning of relief against Fuck the Cubs last week and gave up four runs. None of the Cubs have more than one at-bat against him, though Bunnyhop Soriano has a homer and Theriot has a double.

Harden is 1-0 in two career appearances against the Astros, including a win earlier this year. Darin Erstad has seen him the most, going 8-for-30. Tejada is 0-for-9 against Harden, while Blum and Berkman each have a homer off him.

Injury Report

Houston – Jose Valverde is still up on blocks in the garage. Rex Jones wisely spread out plenty of cardboard and cat litter to soak up all the leaking fluids. The parts to fix Doug Brocail are on back order from Japan or some fucking place, and Brandon Backe is still backfiring. But he might be able to make it to Houston if he doesn’t try to go above 45 mph. Also, Geoff Geary just went on the DL with biceps tendonitis.

Chicago – Reliever Chad Fox had a possibly career-ending elbow blowout, so good luck to him. ErrorMiss is on the DL with a dislocated shoulder. Zambrano strained his hamstring trying to beat out a bunt, and he’s on the mend but won’t be back this series. And Derrek Lee has a bulging disk in his neck but isn’t on the DL.

Other Things

* I finally got another Whataburger a couple of weeks ago. In Lubbock of all places. I had it just like I like it and I did not get out-whataburgered.

* Thanks to Noe for sending me a box of SnS goodies, including the rare collectible Orange Whoopass golf balls. I have at least a dozen cardinals hanging around my yard, so maybe I’ll use the golf balls for target practice. I think there’s at least one mating pair of cardinals out there, so I’ll probably name them Pujols and .093.

* Hey, how about wearing the road grays this series?

SEASONS IN HELL Vol. I, No. 2

BUSTIN’ ROCKS IN THE HOT SUN

Astros (14-17) @ Rockies (12-18)

May 12-14, 2009

Berkman-Cooper Overdrive, a/k/a The Houston Smashstros, roll on down the highway into Denver Tuesday after sweeping the team from St. James of Southern California over the weekend.  It was maybe the worst drubbing of a bunch of Spanish priests since ol’ Three Finger Monteczuma was still dealing that splitter of his from the Big Mound.  The Astros will be looking at taking care of business this week against Colorado.  Hey, you may think you saw the Astros at their best this past weekend, but Carlos Lee and Miguel Tejada say you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  Berkman says he needs to get himself back in the lineup, so we should be looking out for number one (seven).

The Rockies, by the way, start their early-season evening games in Coors at 6:40 p.m. Mountian (local) Time, instead of 7:10 or 7:30 or whatever.  This is probably due to weather concerns more than altruism, but it means fans in the Central Time Zone save an hour waiting to watch the game on FSSW (Fox Sucks in the Southwest.)  It is the least the Rockies can do, playing as they do in that bizarre time-warpish crack of existence known as the Mountain Time Zone (UTC-7).

Outside of Denver, Phoenix and/or El Paso, what the fuck is in the Mountain Time Zone, anyway?  Turns out, a whole lot of places named Utah and Idaho and Wyoming (“So what country do you want to go to?”  “Wyoming.”  “Sal, Wyoming’s not a country.”)  And chunks of other non-essential states like Nebraska and Kansas and the Dakotas, North and South.  In Mexico, they call it Pacific Time.  In Canada, they say, “It’s aboot time.”

Except for the Navajo Nation, Arizona, otherwise located in the Mountain Time Zone, does not observe Daylight Savings Time.  What the fuck?  Do the backasswards sun-dried fruits out there think Daylight Savings is somehow tied to the civil rights movement?  It appears that, once again, the Native American tribes are more in tune with nature than some palefaces we could mention.  Anyway, this non-observation of the obvious is why, even though they start their weekday evening home games at literally the same time as the Rockies, the Snakes games don’t start here until 8:40, instead of 7:40, like they do from Denver, which is in the same fucking time zone.  Confusing, yes?  Where is Eric Van Däniken when you need him?

You know what?  Fuck the fucking Diamondbacks.  Fuck Eric Van Däniken, too, for that matter. What the fuck do I care about a fifth place team full of nobodies, or a fat little Dutchman yammering about ancient astronauts?  Anyway, they are some other Series Preview writer’s problem now, not mine.

PITCHING MATCHUPS
Tuesday May 12 (7:40 p.m.)
Houston Felipé Paulino (1-2, 5.23)
This year’s receipient of the Official Cecil Cooper Mind-Fuck Award™, Michael Bourn Division.  Paulino looked really good in a couple of early starts, so naturally Skip sent him to the bullpen, where he got blowed up real good.

Colorado Ubaldo Jimenez (2-4, 5.45)
Ubaldo is a tantalizing prospect/up-and-coming talent with a really fun name to say.  He looks terrible at times, at other times terrific (his last two starts, specifically.)

Wednesday May 13 (7:40 p.m.)
Houston Mike Hampton (1-3, 4.91)
He’s had a rough go of it the last few times out.  I am beginning to wonder how long he will last.

Colorado Jason Marquis (4-2, 3.92)
Well known as a thermonuclear hot-head on the mound, Jason Marquis has battled himself his whole career – his potential is huge, but he is his own worst enemy.  In addition, he is a world-class prick.  But someone in Colorado has got him to settle down (so far), and he has quietly emerged as the Rockies ace.

Thursday May 14 (2:10 p.m.)
Houston Wandy Rodriguez (3-2, 1.80)
Wandy is Houston’s best pitcher, home or road, but he still carries a bit of a stigma as a hometown pitcher.  Doing well in Coors ought to drive a nail into that coffin of that notion.

Colorado Jason Hammel (0-1, 5.40)
Jason Hammel has been a spot starter for the Rockies this season, stretching out the rotation when the games start piling up.  The most notable thing about this former Rays farmhand is he is 6’ 6” and gangly.  Sometimes on his follow-thru he looks like the fucking Eiffel Tower out there.

INJURIES
Houston (Dutch) – Brandon Backe (strained intracoastal muscle, it gives him canal vision), 15-day DL, may return mid-May (supposedly), residents of Togo and Ulan Bator care passionately about this, no one else does; Jose Van Däniken (strained calf, apparently it broke out of the corral at Lee’s ranch and El Caballo chased it down and jumped on it, causing it to strain), 15-day DL, returns mid-June; Humberto Quackenbosch (shoulder), 15-day DL, returns mid-May, J.R. Towles wishes to dispute this diagnosis; Doug Broke-Hale (strained left hamstring), 15-day DL, returns late may, Broke-Hale is starting to remind me of my wife and I in Sam’s Club. . . we have the cart piled high and teetering with essentials like a 500-pack of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and four gallons of mayonnaise and stuff like that, then we hit an unseen bump in the aisle and shit starts falling off of both sides; Lance Van Däniken (sore left wrist), day-to-day-to-day-to-day-to-day-to-day, meanwhile Gunther sits in the three spot, like a Poi Dog, pondering.

Colorado – Taylor Buchholz (strained credulity), 60-day DL, due back whenever, just another one of the family jewels Purpura foolishly traded away; Jeff Francis (torn and frayed something-or-other), 60-day DL, due back next spring, or the next, anyway in Mountain Daylight Time; Franklin Morales (dazed and confused for so long it’s not true), 15-day DL, due back late May, he’s been hurt and abused, tellin’ all his lies; Ryan Speier (crashed and burned), 15-day DL, due back sometime, when in doubt, he whips it out, he’s got himself a busted hand, it’s a free-for-all; Troy Tulowitzki (left quadriceps strain. . . quadriceps = a leg muscle), day by day, day by day, oh sweet lord. . .

A DEATH IN THE FAMILY
The season is just short of a quarter of the way over.  The season is still young, there is plenty of time left; time to regroup, to surprise, to upset the status quo, to run the startled leaders down from behind – in short, there is time to right wrongs, to fix what is broken, to tune up what isn’t broken, and to break through the walls this team has built around itself, to climb out of the hole this team has put itself in.  We all know, from recent past experience, that it is way too early to count the Astros out, to look beseechingly at the heavens and. . . what?  To throw our hands up in exasperation and anger and, needing an outlet for our rapidly backing up bile, to explode in bitter, bilious, righteous invective, aiming our enmity at anyone and/or everyone associated with the Astros who we decide is responsible for our anguish?

Well, it is too early for that, this season; there are those who will tell you it is too early for that, ever.  “Life is too short,” they will tell you.  Well, yes it is.  Yes it fucking is.

The NL Central Division, at this admittedly early point in the season, is beginning to shake out into a discernable pattern.

It is not likely this is how things will end up – I don’t imagine the Dickities will stay out of the second division for very long, for one thing – but in a general sense I think what we see here is pretty much what we will be seeing for some time, for this season and for several seasons after that.  The Cardinals, FTCubs, and Brewers are and will be the class of the division – “class” being a term I am using loosely here – and the Skyliners, the Gay Buccaroos, and the Astros will mostly be bringing up the rear, so to speak.  Any of the bottom three (well, except for the Pirates, maybe) might get it together and climb up into the top tier of the division for awhile, as the Reds are presently, but the stay will almost assuredly be short-lived.  This is probably the reality for awhile, get used to it.

Having followed the Astros for forty years, I am familiar with rooting for a team that is not going anywhere anytime soon.  For the majority of their history, the Astros have been there, done that.

It is not a terrible existence, pulling for a loser.  One might consider oneself lucky to have a team to pull for at all.  I remember the soul-deep, foreign, scarifying fear that suddenly crept in when John McMullen, in the midst of negotiations regarding a stadium lease or something or other back in the 1980s, suddenly and casually threatened to move the team.  God.  I think I really understood then, for the first time, what the phrase “the banality of evil” means.

There is always hope.  As long as the owner and/or management appear to care/be half-ass trying, there is hope.  But even when, by mid-May, or the All Star Break at least, those hopes get dashed just like, deep-down, you knew they would, even then there are so many rewards, just watching the baseball.  As a fan who, like many others, has become accustomed to pennant races and national attention over the last several years, I sometimes have to remind myself of my baseball fan roots, of where I came from.  When I can do that, when I can remind myself of who I am, baseball fan-wise, well. . . then whining about this or that move or trying to outthink the front office or tell them what they should be doing instead of what they are doing – it all just seems silly, and stupid, and pointless.

And then I become myself again, or, as it sometimes seems, myself for the first time; because my brand of baseball fandom is such that I often entirely forget the lessons learned previously, as a new season’s hope starts to carry me away.  I forget for a little while, anyway; until my baseball mortality creeps back in and messes up my reverie.  In the end, I simply cannot outdream what my fate is.  And my baseball fate is to follow this wonderful, wacky team that ends up disappointing me as often as not.  And I have no regrets.  No regrets at all.  And I wonder, once again, at the sweet bittersweet-ness that comes from loving this team, and this game.

For some reason thinking of love and baseball and the Astros in this context reminds me of Knoxville: Summer, 1915, the elegiac prose-poem chosen to preface James Agee’s last novel, A Death in the Family:

On the rough wet grass of the back yard my father and mother have spread quilts.  We all lie there, my father, my mother, my uncle, my aunt, and I too am lying there.  First we were sitting up, then one of us lay down, and then we all lay down, on our stomachs, or on our sides, or on our backs, and they have kept on talking. They are not talking much, and the talk is quiet, of nothing in particular, of nothing at all in particular, of nothing at all.  The stars are wide and alive, they seem each like a smile of great sweetness, and they seem very near. All my people are larger bodies than mine, quiet, with voices gentle and meaningless like the voices of sleeping birds. One is an artist, he is living at home. One is a musician, she is living at home. One is my mother who is good to me. One is my father who is good to me. By some chance, here they are, all on this earth; and who shall ever tell the sorrow of being on this earth, lying, on quilts, on the grass, in a summer evening, among the sounds of the night. May God bless my people, my uncle, my aunt, my mother, my good father, oh, remember them kindly in their time of trouble; and in the hour of their taking away.

After a little I am taken in and put to bed. Sleep, soft smiling, draws me unto her: and, those receive me, who quietly treat me, as one familiar and well-beloved, in that home: but will not, oh, will not, not now, not ever; but will not ever tell me who I am.

THE WEATHER
I see a bad moon rising, followed by four strong winds, and then a hard rain’s a-gonna fall.  It sure got cold after the rain fell, then, here comes the sun.  Sunny days, oh ye children of the sun.  But wherever I go, a black cloud’s following me.  I think it’s gonna rain down down, down on me, so I howled at my ma through the driving rain.  Here in my car I feel safest of all, windshield wipers slapping time, out on the New Jersey turnpike, ridin’ on a wet night, beneath the refineries glow is when I saw it.  The marquee moon.  Just waiting.

Otherwise, it will be partly cloudy and mild.

Well, I sure take it with me wherever I go
And you might like to see it but it never does show
Like a wind in the valley that never does blow
Like the grass in the back you never did mow

It’s a black sky formin’ on the ridge
It’s a woman waitin’ standin’ on the bridge
It’s the price that you pay for walkin’ on the ledge
It’s everything you do and nothin’ that you did

**********

What a week.  First the putrid shitfest in our nation’s capital which included a non partisan lip lock of hideous sister kissing suck, followed by the rancid scrotum burger at the hands of the goddamn Cubs and their horde of travelling mutton headed schlub faithful.  The bastards are breeding like flies chomping on a Moline road whore.

Unidentified Chicago official greets young Cubs fans outside Wrigley Field

But, the hell with all that.  We’ve got the 13-16 Padres coming into town to take on your rag armed and short dicked Houston Astros, sitting dead ass last in the Central at 11-17.  The Friars are in a rebuilding phase, or deconstructing period, or maybe simply a dark age, throwing out their dead along with running out Chris Burke  to “play” short and the plague infested piss ant himself, David Shitass Ecksteinto irritate and spread black death at and around second or rover or wherever the hell he flits about.  Bastard.    San Diego also has missing link related Brian Giles, responsible for playing an outfield position and keeping a nice fire lit.  Adrian Gonzalez, their first baseman, is a heckuva player and can usually be counted on to jack eight or nine homers in a typical Houston homestand.  Fortunately, though for Houston, their two stud starters–Peavy and Young will miss this series giving your hometown team a fighting chance.  It will also give Peavy time to cuddle and catch up with hunting buddy, Roy O. and maybe check on a hog trap or kill a Yankee or something.

Friday, May 8th at 7:05pm

Chad “Pierre” Gaudin, RHP (0-1, 5.06) v. Wandy “Eny” Rodriguez, LHP (2-2,2.19)

Gaudin is allegedly better than his record indicates and has been the victim of questionable fielding and melt downs by relievers this season.  WFW.  Man up, Chad, and get a tattoo or an ear thingy.  He’s bounced around between starting and relieving in his career and had a full year in the 2007 Oakland rotation.  The Cubs gave up on him in spring training (I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing) and the Padres are taking a chance on him.  I did a google search on Gaudin and it appears he’s spending some time in the great outdoors, stalking cougars.

Cougar attack victim Gaudin with fur still attached to wound

As faithful SnS readers know, Wandy has been the ace of the Astros staff in ’09 and his performance strongly suggests he’s finally come into his own as the lefty the organization thought he would be.  His last start was a little rocky, but the old Wandy never appeared.  Instead, Rodriguez battled until a rattled Cooper removed him in order to insure a depleted bullpen.  That aside, Wandy’s healthy, he’s at home, and he’s facing the Friars–good things could happen.

Saturday, May 9th, 6:05pm

Kevin Correla, RHP (0-2, 5.92) v. Brian “Just Happy to Be Here” Moehler, RHP (0-2, 14.00)

Correla hasn’t set the world on fire this season and has given it up pretty evenly to both right and left handers, but has been slightly more effective on the road.  He got shelled in his last start.  Moehler looked like Moehler in his last outing, offering up a workmanlike five innings of two run ball.  If Moehler was a golfer, he’d be Jay Haas.  If he were in the porn business, he’d be the key grip.  Steady man, our Moehler.

Sunday

Josh Geer, RHP (0-0, 3.96) v. Roy “El Mysterio” Oswalt, RHP (0-2, 4.26)

Geer is a goddamned Rice puke and probably does calculus problems when he should be out screwing.  He threw seven shutout innings in his last start and the Pads think he’ll be a stud.  Hopefully, Roy will rise to the occasion and THROW THE GODDAMN BALL like the Roy we think we know.  His reported boner has gone down a bit, to the relief of everyone concerned especially Mrs. Oswalt.  Hard to think going into May 10th, Oswalt is without a “W.”

MASH Update

Padres

San Diego has a bushel of guys hanging out in the infirmary including Cliff Floyd with a sore knee and former Cub, Mark Prior with his traditional shoulder soreness.  Too bad he doesn’t have Moises Alou around anymore to rub piss on it.  Maybe he should let Eckstein dry hump it a little, the pesky little bastard.

Plague carrier and all around shithead Eckstein

Astros

Backe: on rehab assignment in Corpus Christi while he’s not wading for reds in Estes Flats.  I recommend a half ounce gold weedless spoon, Brandon.

Boone: alleged “heart condition.”  Lollygagger.

Brocail: old and beat up.  Should stagger back sometime in late May.

Quintero: plowed shoulder.  Could come off the DL this weekend.

Valverde: stigmata in right calf.  Jesus wept.

Swag

Friday: Show up and you get a “Pink in the Park Bracelet.”  I don’t even want to know what that is.

Saturday: “El Caballo” bobbleheads to the first 15,000 or so of the herd.  I’m told they’ll be a favorite of the ladies.

Carlos Lee bobblehead and personal massager. Requires two AA batteries (not included)

Sunday: If you’re a mom or claim to be one, you’ll get a “Mother’s Day Tote Bag” suitable for carrying stuff and holding little Jimmy’s vomit.  Watch out after about two or three of those funnel cakes.

Final Thoughts

It’s been your typical week in the SnS Talk Zone and Beer and Queso areas including:

Tattoos: they look good and bad and mean something to people until they don’t.  JimR. is too shy to report that he has a striking image of his first love, Preacher Roe proudly stamped upon his right cheek.

strosrays reported a strong interest in being a Playboy Playmate.  That’s something I just never saw coming.  He’s still a surfer dude, though.

Megan Fox is hot or looks like shit.

Roy’s Restaurant: Oswalt should have probably thought that deal out a little more before the TZ got hold of it.

Cooper: it’s getting curiouser and curiouser.  Caesar’s sports book set the over and under of Cooper sitting naked in the dugout calmly eating the lineup card at June 15th.  Smart money is going with the under.

A sullen Cecil Cooper clad waist upCooper later shown leaving Minute Maid Park in his ceremonial dress uniform

Wade: Still pouring gunpowder into Cooper’s bowl.

Gardner: Still whispering into the big guy’s ear.  Maybe that’s why he’s spending so much time in Poland.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner shown arriving at Minute Maid Park

Astros sweep.

Follow along during the series in the infamous Gamezone