What a week. First the putrid shitfest in our nation’s capital which included a non partisan lip lock of hideous sister kissing suck, followed by the rancid scrotum burger at the hands of the goddamn Cubs and their horde of travelling mutton headed schlub faithful. The bastards are breeding like flies chomping on a Moline road whore.
Unidentified Chicago official greets young Cubs fans outside Wrigley Field
But, the hell with all that. We’ve got the 13-16 Padres coming into town to take on your rag armed and short dicked Houston Astros, sitting dead ass last in the Central at 11-17. The Friars are in a rebuilding phase, or deconstructing period, or maybe simply a dark age, throwing out their dead along with running out Chris Burke to “play” short and the plague infested piss ant himself, David Shitass Ecksteinto irritate and spread black death at and around second or rover or wherever the hell he flits about. Bastard. San Diego also has missing link related Brian Giles, responsible for playing an outfield position and keeping a nice fire lit. Adrian Gonzalez, their first baseman, is a heckuva player and can usually be counted on to jack eight or nine homers in a typical Houston homestand. Fortunately, though for Houston, their two stud starters–Peavy and Young will miss this series giving your hometown team a fighting chance. It will also give Peavy time to cuddle and catch up with hunting buddy, Roy O. and maybe check on a hog trap or kill a Yankee or something.
Friday, May 8th at 7:05pm
Chad “Pierre” Gaudin, RHP (0-1, 5.06) v. Wandy “Eny” Rodriguez, LHP (2-2,2.19)
Gaudin is allegedly better than his record indicates and has been the victim of questionable fielding and melt downs by relievers this season. WFW. Man up, Chad, and get a tattoo or an ear thingy. He’s bounced around between starting and relieving in his career and had a full year in the 2007 Oakland rotation. The Cubs gave up on him in spring training (I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing) and the Padres are taking a chance on him. I did a google search on Gaudin and it appears he’s spending some time in the great outdoors, stalking cougars.
Cougar attack victim Gaudin with fur still attached to wound
As faithful SnS readers know, Wandy has been the ace of the Astros staff in ’09 and his performance strongly suggests he’s finally come into his own as the lefty the organization thought he would be. His last start was a little rocky, but the old Wandy never appeared. Instead, Rodriguez battled until a rattled Cooper removed him in order to insure a depleted bullpen. That aside, Wandy’s healthy, he’s at home, and he’s facing the Friars–good things could happen.
Saturday, May 9th, 6:05pm
Kevin Correla, RHP (0-2, 5.92) v. Brian “Just Happy to Be Here” Moehler, RHP (0-2, 14.00)
Correla hasn’t set the world on fire this season and has given it up pretty evenly to both right and left handers, but has been slightly more effective on the road. He got shelled in his last start. Moehler looked like Moehler in his last outing, offering up a workmanlike five innings of two run ball. If Moehler was a golfer, he’d be Jay Haas. If he were in the porn business, he’d be the key grip. Steady man, our Moehler.
Sunday
Josh Geer, RHP (0-0, 3.96) v. Roy “El Mysterio” Oswalt, RHP (0-2, 4.26)
Geer is a goddamned Rice puke and probably does calculus problems when he should be out screwing. He threw seven shutout innings in his last start and the Pads think he’ll be a stud. Hopefully, Roy will rise to the occasion and THROW THE GODDAMN BALL like the Roy we think we know. His reported boner has gone down a bit, to the relief of everyone concerned especially Mrs. Oswalt. Hard to think going into May 10th, Oswalt is without a “W.”
MASH Update
Padres
San Diego has a bushel of guys hanging out in the infirmary including Cliff Floyd with a sore knee and former Cub, Mark Prior with his traditional shoulder soreness. Too bad he doesn’t have Moises Alou around anymore to rub piss on it. Maybe he should let Eckstein dry hump it a little, the pesky little bastard.
Plague carrier and all around shithead Eckstein
Astros
Backe: on rehab assignment in Corpus Christi while he’s not wading for reds in Estes Flats. I recommend a half ounce gold weedless spoon, Brandon.
Boone: alleged “heart condition.” Lollygagger.
Brocail: old and beat up. Should stagger back sometime in late May.
Quintero: plowed shoulder. Could come off the DL this weekend.
Valverde: stigmata in right calf. Jesus wept.
Swag
Friday: Show up and you get a “Pink in the Park Bracelet.” I don’t even want to know what that is.
Saturday: “El Caballo” bobbleheads to the first 15,000 or so of the herd. I’m told they’ll be a favorite of the ladies.
Carlos Lee bobblehead and personal massager. Requires two AA batteries (not included)
Sunday: If you’re a mom or claim to be one, you’ll get a “Mother’s Day Tote Bag” suitable for carrying stuff and holding little Jimmy’s vomit. Watch out after about two or three of those funnel cakes.
Final Thoughts
It’s been your typical week in the SnS Talk Zone and Beer and Queso areas including:
Tattoos: they look good and bad and mean something to people until they don’t. JimR. is too shy to report that he has a striking image of his first love, Preacher Roe proudly stamped upon his right cheek.
strosrays reported a strong interest in being a Playboy Playmate. That’s something I just never saw coming. He’s still a surfer dude, though.
Megan Fox is hot or looks like shit.
Roy’s Restaurant: Oswalt should have probably thought that deal out a little more before the TZ got hold of it.
Cooper: it’s getting curiouser and curiouser. Caesar’s sports book set the over and under of Cooper sitting naked in the dugout calmly eating the lineup card at June 15th. Smart money is going with the under.
A sullen Cecil Cooper clad waist upCooper later shown leaving Minute Maid Park in his ceremonial dress uniform
Wade: Still pouring gunpowder into Cooper’s bowl.
Gardner: Still whispering into the big guy’s ear. Maybe that’s why he’s spending so much time in Poland.
Astros team president, Pam Gardner shown arriving at Minute Maid Park
Astros sweep.
Follow along during the series in the infamous Gamezone