Whores one and all
So the Astros are playing host to the Rangers this weekend, and since Dallas always shows such great hospitality (cough), it’s high time that we hospitalized them. While none of the particular players on the current Rangers team inspire much hatred, the Metroplex itself is more than worthy of every chunk of shit we can lob its way. Without further ado, let the hate begin!
- As has been mentioned ad infinitum, people from Dallas are pretentious, status-obsessed assholes with enormous egos. And that’s when you compare them to the residents of Tanglewood.
- The freeway system in the Metroplex is among the worst in the civilized world. Not so much because of the traffic, but for sheer incomprehensibility. While a map of Houston’s freeways looks like a slightly off-kilter compass, with an axis for every suburb, DFW thoroughfares meander, change from freeways to surface streets and back, all while following routes that can only leave you with the impression that the civil engineer who laid out the master plan had a rather impressive weed habit.
- Dallas has a virtual monopoly on loathsome sports franchise owners. Mark Cuban AND Jerry Jones in the same city? Meanwhile, Tom Hicks is (allegedly) close to being forced to sell the Rangers after losing his shirt in this recession thing. With any luck, Al Davis or Peter Angelos will come calling and complete the trifecta.
- As much as everyone rags on Tony LaRussa (rightly so) for having blinders on in both Oakland and St. Louis about steroids, the late 90’s Rangers teams look like a pharmacist’s wet dream: Juan Gone, Canseco, Pudge…shit. Nevermind.
- Dallas in the final frontier of Tex-Mex; anywhere north of I-20, the salsa becomes suspect, the queso becomes Velveeta, and margaritas on the rocks are unheard of. Ergo, Dallas is the end of civilization.
- The fucking Cowboys. Why does this matter in our discussion of the Rangers? Because the Rangers have been and forever will be third-class citizens in DFW, behind the Cowboys and wearing pearls to go to H-E-B. Just once, I want the Rangers to make a deep run in the playoffs, so that we can see a completely empty Ballpark for a crucial Sunday game, while everyone is at home screaming at Tony Romo.
- They stole Nolan Ryan. Fuckers.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Now, if you’re an Astros fan in exile in north Texas, take hope. Blink us a message in Morse Code, like hostages do on those grainy videotapes, and let us know how you’re doing. With all the overblown talk of seccession by Governor Goodhair, I think there may be an opportunity for us here: let the Metroplex carve itself out of Texas, and give them to Colorado so everyone can be closer to their ski lodge anyway. Far fetched? It works for Lethoso and the Vatican.
Projected Starters from Astros.com
Friday, May 22nd, 7:05pm
Derek Holland (1-1, 4.85) v. Felipe Paulino (1-3, 6.93)
Holland is one of the Rangers’ highly-touted pitching prospects (or at least one of the ones that they didn’t give up to get Josh Hamilton), and after tearing up their minor league system en route to an 13-1 record in 2008, his promotion to the Bigs was written on the wall. After appearing in 7 games as a reliever, he gets the start for the first time this year on Friday. He obviously hasn’t faced any Astros hitters yet, so we’re faced with one of two likely scenarios: either we chase the guy in the early innings after jumping all over him, or he dominates us and forces SportsCenter to run clips from the fucking Kerry Wood game again.
Paulino is pencilled in as the starter today, but it’s possible that Coop made a mistake and actually wants Fulchino to start. If this is the case, the official rules state that Cooper must actually leave the dugout and prostrate himself in front of the pitchers mound, bowing in the direction of Earl Weaver’s tomb (in which Earl is currently spinning) until the correct pitcher arrives. (ed. It has recently come to our attention that Earl Weaver is actually alive, and is fucking livid at our insinuation of his demise. He sent his message through his former Boy Scout troop leader, Jim Raup.) Felipe has shown flashes of brillance when starting, including the ability to work himself out of jams and overpower hitters with his heater. Working out of the bullpen, not so much. So while Brandon Backe continues to soak up some tasty waves on his Rehab That Will Not End, Paulino gets the chance to strut his stuff in the rotation. He’s looking forward to bouncing back from a rough outing in Denver where he surrendered seven earned runs in just four innings. Like Holland, Paulino hasn’t ever played against his intra-state, inter-league, cross-cultural rivals, which makes this whole exercise kinda pointless. Moving on…
Saturday, May 23rd, 3:10pm
Scott Feldman (2-0, 4.04) v. Brian Moehler (1-2, 7.71)
Corey’s more successful brother has started one game against the Astros in the past; he gave up 2 runs in four innings and didn’t get a decision. Those two runs were the result of a two-run homer by none other than Michael Bourn, who’s really, really due for a nickname that doesn’t involve Matt Damon. In 2009, Feldman has put together a string of successful outings, and the Rangers are 4-1 in games he’s started.
Moehler has had two consecutive strong outings, including a win over the FTCubs in Chicago. He’s seems to be rounding into over-acheiver mode again, which would be just the boost that the back of the rotation could use, not to mention the over-taxed ‘pen. Against the Rangers in his career, he’s dominated Josh Hamilton (who has yet to get a hit on him), Andruw Jones (.231, $100 million), and Marlon Byrd (.125); on the flipside, he’s been hit well by Omar Visquel (.440), Hank Blalock (.667), and Ian Kinsler (.400). Maybe Moehler will jump on the Plunk Kinsler 2009 sensation that’s been sweeping the nation, because the bastard has obviously done something to deserve the pincushion treatment, right?
Sunday, May 24th, 1:05PM
Brandon McCarthy (3-2, 5.60) v. Mike Hampton (2-3, 5.23)
McCarthy is a tall righty who came up in the White Sox organization before being shipped down to Dallas in another floundering attempt to pretend that they cared about pitching. He’s started against the Astros once, taking a win in a 14-1 blowout, but has also taken an extra-innings loss, giving him a 1-1 record lifetime. Miggy pretty well owns him, having homered both times he’s faced McCarthy, and Pudge (.600), Pence (.667) and Q (.500) have had success as well. Otherwise, he’s shut down Puma and Caballo, both of whom are looking for their first hit against him.
Hampton’s owie has apparently healed, so he’s scheduled to start on Sunday. As a precautionary measure, he’s not washing his hands between now and then, making himself Public Enemy #1 of moms who are scared of swine flu. Among current Rangers, only Michael Young (.667, 1 HR) has had anything to brag about. Andruw Jones (.243, $150 million) and Hank Blalock (.000) have particularly bitched out. If the cut from Wrigley’s razor-sharp soap dispensers is healed, then Hampton will only have to worry about keeping the ball in the park, which he was struggling to do before a Decepticon took the form of a shower appliance.
Notable Promotions
This being the Lone Star Series and all that good stuff, they’re pulling out all the stops this weekend: caps! t-shirts! fireworks! Reckless Kelly! Okay, Reckless Kelly (who plays after Saturday’s game) is pretty cool.
Astros:
Coop – Massive head wound, hopefully day-to-day before given his walking papers.
Brandon Backe – cursed to wander the earth for all eternity until a spot in the rotation opens up.
Aaron Boone – roadie for Heart
Doug Brocail – regretting cutting off goatee
Geoff Geary – bicep tendinits. There’s nothing funny about bicep tendinitis. It’s not that it’s super-serious, either, just no jokes to be made. Sorry.
Papa Grande – Sword fighting the Black Knight
Rangers:
Joaquin Benoit – obscurity
Willie Eyre – auditioning to become a John Steinbeck character
Frank Fransisco – film noir private dick, done in by femme fatale
Eric Hurley – on the run for furniture store arson
Dustin Nippert – hehehehe…his last name sounds like “nipples”. Strained nipple.
Things To Watch For:
More Cowboys gear than Rangers
Angry, anthropomorphic soap dispensers
Flaming sofa debris from EYE-fortyfivenorthatTidwellanparker
Geoff Blum showing Coop how to tie his shoes
Talk about the games in the Game Zone!