It’s going to happen any minute now, maybe even before I’m through “writing” this. Meaning that Mad Cecil will be formally sacked, gutted, garroted, eviscerated, cleaved, flayed, or simply taken behind the barn and shot for his many sins both foreign and domestic. Did he get the support he needed and deserved? I think largely, yes until the silliness reached its tipping point with the resolute non-bunting in Chicago followed by the scorecard idiocy, and the clumsiness in his comments regarding Oswalt and others. That’s not even counting the awful handling of Bourn and misuse of the bullpen, and all of the weird pronouncements along the way. Drayton and Wade will be made to look like jackasses in relieving Cooper within sixty days of handing him an extension–an extension he had to have in order to keep any semblance of authority over a team he lost last season. Maybe Drayton will now formerly exorcise his bizarre fealty to Bud Selig, having been schmoozed on the idea of dismissing Garner in favor of Mad Cecil. Oh, and that thing with Wrigley North, too, Drayton–that kinda sucked, don’t you think? Goddamn Selig.
Astros manager Cecil Cooper (shown here in formal managerial attire) contemplates the treachery around him.
All that aside, your really awful 18-27 Houston Astros bring their travelling horseshit show to sunny Pittsburgh, 5-5 over their last ten games at 21-26 and squatting directly over your hometown nine. Damn, that’s an awful position. The Pirates have a fair amount of young, talented players that are being carefully nurtured along until they can be traditionally dispersed later this season to the Cubs, Yankees, and Red Sox. Led by they LaRoche sisters (Adam and Andy) they also have speedster Nate McLouth, the ever-raking Freddy “Dirty” Sanchez, and the remaining Wilson sister, Jack. There’s a slew of other young guys in and out of the lineup rapping doubles and tear-assing around the base paths–just the thing that could spell trouble for the wheezing, clown shoe wearing Astros. Cue the circus music.
Projected Pitching Matchups:
Friday, May 29
Brian “Man the Warning Track” Moehler (1-3, 8.31) v. Ross “Kent” Ohlendorf, RHP (5-4, 4.20)
Goddamn Moehler’s getting hammered and is looking like the Moehler we’ve suspected lurked somewhere around the credible 2008 edition. He got torched against the Rangers (well, who didn’t?) and is probably still a little gimpy with his aging right knee. Take a shot for the team, Brian. I endorse cortisone early and often.
Ohlendorf is a sneaky little shit just like Niedermeyer. Oh, wrong character. Anyway, Dorfmann has pitched okay lately and survives if he can keep the damn ball down–sort of like that Moehler guy. If these two fine fellows are off their game, PNC Park will be a launching pad.
Saturday, May 30
Wandy “El Culo” Rodriguez (5-3, 1.71) v. Jeff “Ping” Karstens, RHP (1-2,5.19)
Wandy gave up a buttload of unearned runs in his last start during the ill-fated Cincy shitfest, courtesy of Tejada booting the goddamn ball all over the place. Anyway, you’re quite familiar with how effective Wandy’s been this season, clearly dominant in a number of starts. He’ll be facing Karstens who has been crappy all year which means he’ll turn into fucking Cy Young on Saturday. Book it.
Sunday, May 31
Mike “GCG” Hampton (2-4, 5.63) v. Paul Maholm, LHP (3-1, 4.11)
Hampton looked sharp in his earlier start against the Pirates back on April 15th, but has been leaking oil ever since. Scouts are whispering that he’s done, which would mean he ain’t exactly a replacement for Randy Wolf after all. I don’t know–I’d like to watch him a couple of more times before pronouncing him road kill. Maholm is good if his curve is working and he can keep the ball down, this according to Pittsburgh writers. Duh–I guess that works for a lot of guys, doesn’t it? It also helps if the opposing team shows up with absolutely no approach at the plate–remind you of anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Astros? Astros?
MASH Report
Backe returns from the DL, bringing his sub-AAA crap to the already depleted Houston bullpen. Wright and his 2009 sub-MLB stuff heads for the PCL. What a deal.
Blum is day to day with a strained left hamstring suffered going up and down the dugout steps to explain managerial fuck ups to young players.
Boone is a malingerer.
Brocail is happily on the DL with a strained hamstring so he doesn’t have to listen to any of Cooper’s bullshit and can drink beer and read up on all of his AARP mail.
Geary has right biceps tendinitis. Use your wrist, Geoff; you should have learned that in middle school.
Valverde: crazy as a goddamn bat sitting out in his backyard eating leaves and other shit.
Pittsburgh:
Matt Capps has a right elbow contusion, Ryan Doumit has a fractured right wrist, Tyler Yates has right elbow inflammation–go easy on the hotel room porn, guys, especially when you’re in there together. Craig Hansen has neck spasms from watching it all happen. Freak.
Pirate Giveaways
Friday: they’re giving away a “Pirates Travel Mug” which is a black plastic mug with a yellow “P” on the side. I’m not making this up. Now, fans will have no need to make a pit stop between Pittsburgh and Harrisburg.
"Travel mug" for use after that third cup of coffee.
Sunday: you get a “Matt Capps Replica Batting Practice Jersey.” Sponsored by Vivid Videos.
Other Things
You might have heard that I had the good fortune of sitting in Drayton’s seats the other night. Well, I sat in Mrs. Drayton’s seat, actually, and it was all soft and comfy. I got to see some interesting things, including: 
ybbodeus attempting to eat every olive offered at the Diamond Club buffet line, while we waited, WAITED for him to finish in order to see the first pitch. Denied. He apparently doesn’t get olives at home. Or, fruit cup.
yybodeus engaging in prolonged Adderall and Stella Artois fueled happiness which translated at times into strange dances even for an aging white man.
Pudge Rodriguez standing in the on deck circle and laughing his ass off, wondering who let these assholes in the joint?
Barking at the home plate ump for his shit toss of Berkman and realizing that it’s probably the first time that both profanity and beer spittle had been hurled from those seats. Just trying to do my part for the cause. I did find myself looking around a time or two at the other club patrons who seemed to be nervously watching the spectacle in the seats in front of them. Security was on it, too.
Astros team president, Pam Gardner, accompanying security detail in Diamond Club inspection (file photo)
Drinking, DRINKING with the fellow SnSers at The Bus both before and after the game. Good lads. Limey never once mentioned his plans for herding Republican scum into work camps. Homer graciously drank with the old men and stood ready to catch us when we would topple. OregonStrosFan recited Keats or Yeats or Jesus Alou–nobody really knew. And, gleach, God bless him, made it all happen.
Damn, boys (and girls)–it can’t get much worse. It’s hard watching your team getting their ass kicked by the godless Dickities and it won’t improve if the same happens with the Pirates. Seven in a row means something’s got to give. Cooper, yes, but I also suggest that Das take a slumpbuster. Couldn’t hurt.