By Gizzmonic

Reds (73-83) at Astros (82-73)

Minute Maid Park at Union Station • Houston, TX

Greetings, Earth people.  It is I, Gizzmonic, late September callup from the depths of space! What’s that you say?  The Reds are coming off a narrow victory in a makeup game against Florida?  And they trashed the Brew Crew before that? But how did they get there?  Let’s start with a little history…

A long time ago, in the days of the Roman Republic, there was a noble Roman named Lucius Quinticius Cincinnatus.  After a distinguished career as a stateman, he retired to the countryside and became a farmer.  Yet every time Rome faced a threat, the Senate voted him dictator of Rome. He reluctantly took the reins of power and stopped Rome’s enemies each time.  With his overwhelming popularity and military might, he could have installed himself as emperor.  But Cincinnatus only wanted to return his simple life as a farmer.  Humble during his own lifetime, he is now enshrined as a model of civic virtue.  Historical records are unclear as to whether he enjoyed chili tarted up with chocolate and cinnamon and dumped onto spaghetti.

A shorter time ago, the futile, flailing franchise calling themselves the Cincinnati Reds unceremoniously dumped their two biggest stars, Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr., then took out a full page ad in the Cincinnati paper apologizing for their superhypermegasuckage.  We all know how well those full page ad apologies work out, don’t we?  However, since trading Dunn on August 12, these young Reds are a respectable 20-16 and no longer share the NL Central cellar with the bilge-ridden Pirates.

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Astros (80-72) at Pirates (64-89)

PNC Park

• Friday, September 19           6:05 p.m.    FSN-HD
• Saturday, September 20      6:05 p.m.    FSN-HD
• Sunday, September 21       12:35 p.m.    my20

The Pirates head into the final 3 games at home this year with a 38-40 home record .  A sweep of the Astros would give them only their second winning record at home since moving into PNC Park in 2001. The Astros are just hoping for a miracle to stay afloat in the Wild Card race and nothing less than a sweep of the rest of the season will keep that hope alive.  The last 5 games have been nothing less than sickening, gut-wrenching, stomach churning projectile vomit.  With any luck, that crap is out of their system and they will return to playing baseball instead of whining about their butt-screwing by the Burgermeister Meisterburger Selig himself.Read More

Miller Park

Of all the idiotic bullshit moves dreamed up by Bud Selig, this one takes the urinal cake. The fucking pussified Cubs, who were so stoically brave during a tornado and lightning storm when they were behind in a game, wouldn’t get on a goddamn plane to Houston. So Selig tells Drayton McLane, “Hey I know, let’s you and him fight. At my house. I’ll sell tickets.”

Now Cecil Cooper and the Astros, many of whom are still without electricity at their own homes, where, you know, they might be needed, have to travel to Bud’s shitty suburb of Chicago and play a crucial “home” series in front of two fanbases that have a huge interest in seeing the Astros lose.

And I just love Bud’s new fascination with covered ballparks; I guess he’s changed his mind since the 2005 World Series. Since the Astros are the “home” team in Milwaukee, they should demand that the roof be open. You know, to make sure the “home” team doesn’t get an unfair advantage from loud fans in a crucial game.

Oh wait, they can’t open the roof, because you know what’s coming? The remnants of HURRICANE IKE! Arrrgggghhh! This makes so much sense. The Astros stay home and ride out Ike, but the Cubs won’t fly to Houston because they’re pussies. Then after Ike moves through and heads north, leaving Minute Maid intact, the Astros have to fly around Ike, to the place where the storm might be headed, to play the pussy Cubs, in another covered stadium right down the road from Chicago. The Aristocrats!

And by the way, the Tigers and White Sox already got rained out twice this weekend also. In Chicago. They’ll try to play a doubleheader Sunday, but it’s doubtful because, you know, Ike is coming.  Maybe they should all fly to Houston; I hear there’s a perfectly good roofed stadium in a neutral location that isn’t being used.
Sunday, September 14, 7:05 p.m. CDT – my20pixels
Monday, September 15, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD

Notable giveaways

Drayton McLane is giving away homefield advantage both days to the first 41,900 Cubs and Brewers fans who show up.

The Sausage Races will still be held in this series, with the winner getting the added privilege of stuffing itself up Lou Piniella’s whiny fat ass.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Sunday
Carlos Zambrano (13-5, 3.58) v. Randy Wolf (10-11, 4.45)

Zambrano has started against the Astros twice this season and the Cubs lost both times. Miguel Tejada is 5-for-9 with a double and a homer off Zambrano, while Lance Berkman is only 9-for-60, though four of those hits were homers. Jose Castillo also has a homer off him. If Zambrano’s arm gets too tired after driving up the road from Chicago, then Sean Marshall will get the start.

In Randy Wolf’s nine starts since joining the team, the Astros have gone 8-1. Wolf has a 3-6 career record against the sCrubs but he’s 1-1 this season, including a complete-game shutout at Wrigley two weeks ago. Pretty much every limpdick Cub has batted against Wolf at some point, and they’re a combined 34-for-160 (.213). The only ones who have homered off him are Soriano and Errormiss, but otherwise they’re both walking the Mendoza Line against Wolf.

Monday
Jason Marquis (10-8, 4.36) v. Brian Moehler (11-6, 4.16)

Marquis has a 9-6 lifetime record against the Astros, though his ERA is also over 5. His last start against Houston also ended in “L”. And “L” in this case is for “Lance,” who is 21-for-43 against Marquis, with five doubles, a triple, a homer, 14 RBI, 13 walks, and only three strikeouts. Wigginton, Pence, and Quintero have also hit well against Marquis.

Moehler is 1-1 in three starts against the Cubs this season. Several sCrubs hit him well, including Errormiss, Ward, and Soriano, but especially Labia Lips Edmonds, who is 14-for-39 (.359) with five doubles and six homers. But today, Anaheim Jimmy can go fuck himself.

Injury Report

Houston – Wandy, Carlos Lee, and Felipe Paulino are all out. Brandon Backe could probably pitch, and Ty Wigginton might be able to pinch-hit. Geoff Geary and Kazuo Matsui might or might not be back.

Chicago – Starter Rich Hill and reliever Chad Fox are out. Reliever Chad Gaudin might be back for this series. Carlos Zambrano has had a dead arm; he over-reached around Jim Edmonds’ fat ass because the Sexy Bitch got a late jump and tried a spectacular dive and roll. Zambrano had an anti-inflammatory shot and a week and a half off to recover, and should make the start Sunday; thousands of Cubfans are still weeping in drunken admiration at the sheer heroics of it all.

Interesting Things

*  In other news, just to make things more fair down the home stretch in the AL East, Bud Selig has decided the Tampa Bay Rays will now play all their home games at Yankee Stadium. Tampa should be totally fine with that, because you know, it wouldn’t benefit the Red Sox or the Yankees at all. It’s for the fans, really.

* Oh, I almost forgot – fuck the Brewers, fuck Bud Selig, and motherfuck the Cubs. And hell, while we’re at it, fuck the Packers and the Bears too.

Discuss today’s bullshit game in the Gamezone.

Astros (71-66) at Cubs (85-52)

Bubblegum Field

The Astros visit Wrigley for the last time this year to play the fuckin’ Cubs–who are ripe off back-to-back losses where they stranded 19 men on base.  Is panic setting in for Cubfandom?  Could this be the beginning of the end?  Read More

MMPUS

Friday, August 29, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD
Saturday, August 30, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD
Sunday, August 31, 1:05 p.m. CDT – my20-HD
The Astros are now above .500 thanks to a .615 winning percentage since the All-Star break. Unfortunately it appears they will be working to be named “Best of the Rest.” The Astros sit 6 games back of the Thirdinals so this series will help determine who really is the best of the rest. Quick trivia (and mihoba is eligible). When was the last time an Astros/Cardinals series in late August was irrelevant to the post-season picture? I haven’t a clue either (it’s been a while), but I know it wasn’t last year. This time last year the Cards were just 2 games back of the Fucking cubs.
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The Astros just split a four-game series with the dickless Mets, and more importantly don’t have to go back to their urine-soaked dogshit stadium anymore. Sometimes even a split is a win.

At 66-65, the Astros look to be stumbling toward a ho-hum .500 season. Nothing to write home about, but at least it’s better than the Red Asses, who are 17 games under .500 and have only won six games all month. The only series they’ve won this month was against the Pirates, who they are tied with in the NL Central basement. After dumping Griffey and Dunn, for the Reds these are definitely the dogshit days of August.

After sweeping four games from the Dickities in Cincinnati earlier this month, another series with the Redlegs may be just what the Astros’ team doctor ordered. Granted, our health plan sucks and it may not pay the bill, but maybe we can at least get some good painkillers out of it.

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