Cincinnati REDS (18-16, 2nd NL West) vs. Houston ASTROS (13-21, 6th NL West)
May 9-11, 2011
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It’s a question commonly paired with major historical events.   Where were you on September 11, 2001?  How about January 28, 1986? Or November 22, 1963?  July 21, 1969?  Hell, one of us can even remember April 14, 1865.

We all have these personal memories of largely shared events.  They’re snapshots of history – ways to remember innocence lost or enlightenment won.  The kind of stuff Toby Keith writes songs about.

So where were you today?

Did you hear it on the radio on the drive to work?  To school?  Did a friend tell you?  Or did you stay up late last night, hoping for confirmation?  If you’re like me, you’ve probably clicked ‘refresh’ a thousand times in the last 12 hours, eagerly lapping up every drop of information.

I was the second person to find out – in the world.  Yes, me.  I knew before Obama.  I’ll give you the scoop.  So grab a chair, shut off your phone and set your brains to ‘remember.’

It’s true: Ebby Calvin is writing the Reds preview.

I’ll wait for you to change your pants.  Remember to breathe.  It’s ok, news like this can take a while to sink in.  You ok?  Good.  Now onto the

Houston Astros (11-17) vs Cincinnati Reds (14-14) Series Preview

Projected Starters

Monday, May 5, 2011

6:10pm CST, Great American Smallpark

J.A. Happ (1-4, 6.35) vs Mike Leake (3-0, 4.40)

J.A. Happ’s a lot of things, but at least he’s not a thief.  Which is what Mike Leake is.  A dirty, rotten, shit-for-brains thief.  He’s also a pretty good pitcher, even though he’s a Red and a thief.  He’s gone seven innings in each of his last two starts, the most recent of which he struck out 12 Brewers.  But hey, Norris struck out 11 Brewers yesterday, and Norris isn’t a dirty, rotten, shit-for-brains thief who eats Skyline Chili for breakfast.  So Norris > Leake.  And I think we can all live with that.

Happ hasn’t handled himself heroically, hence his high hearned-hrun-haverage.  He dominated the Reds April 5, giving up only seven runs in four innings.  And he’s lost his last three.  So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.  But he’s an Astro, and even though I don’t know where to find his splits against current Reds hitters, I can confidently assume they all hit under .100 against him with no home runs and no RBIs.  Those seven runs in April were all unearned, thanks to seven four-base errors in RF by Blinky.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

6:10pm, CST

Aneury Rodriguez (0-0, 6.75) vs. Sam LeCure (0-1, 4.57)

I’ve never been a Cure fan, and I sure as hell wouldn’t like them more if they were French, so fuck Sam LeCure.  This looks to be his last start before Johnny Cueto and Homer Bailey return to the roster, so once again, fuck Sam LeCure.

The Aneurysm (see what I did there?) is taking over for The Jheri-Curled-One, after Figueroa couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a flashlight.  This’ll be Aneury’s first start of the season, after which he’ll change his name to Ezequiel Astacio for consistency’s sake.  Because really, what will Milo call him?  Aneury-ie?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

11:35am, CST

Brett Myers (1-1, 3.72) vs Travis Wood (1-3, 6.82)

In Wood’s last start, he gave up seven runs in less than four innings against the Marlins, so he’s hot right now.  This looks to be his last start before Johnny Cueto and Homer Bailey return to the roster, so once again, fuck Sam LeCure.  I mean Travis Wood.  Fuck Travis Wood.

Myers continues to throw six or more innings in each of his starts, despite recently giving up three solo taters to the Brewers for his first loss.  But Myers’ performance is hardly graded by his win/loss record.  His job is to keep the Astros in the game for as long as possible, then let the bullpen fuck it up.  So far, so good.

Injury Report

Astros

Arias is due back in May, which means he’ll be back in September.  It just wouldn’t feel right with him healthy.

Castro’s still hobbling around on crutches.

Keppinger will be ready to punish some weak-ass shit later this month.

Carlos is day-to-day after running into the forcefield surrounding Angel Sanchez.

Wilton Lopez is due back any day.

J-Mike (hate that nickname) is rehabbing his dislocated left shoulder, due back mid May.

Shiteaters

Jose Arredondo (right shoulder) is on a minor league assignment, and thank God for that, because who knows what he’d do to the Astros.  Seriously, does anybody know?  No fucking clue who Jose Arredondo is.

Homer Bailey (right shoulder) will be back on May 10.

Jared Burton (right shoulder) is out for the year.  Don’t care.

Johnny Cueto (right shoulder) is due back soon.

Fred Lewis (right oblique) might be back for this series.

Scott Rolen (left shoulder) will be back mid-May.  Apparently he was showing off his ambidextrous motion to the rest of the circle jerk above.

Juan Fransisco (still not in playing shape) is a fat ass.

Promotions

Fucking nothing, except for Wednesday, when it’s Tri-State Centers for Sight Senior Citizen Specials.  There’s a JimR joke in there somewhere, I just know it.

In Other News

Some terrorist guy died.  You heard it here first.

It’s been a stressful couple of fucking weeks for Raup the Younger here. Two weeks ago, I drove a 25 foot U-Haul from Austin to Richmond, Virginia. In case you weren’t aware of this, Richmond is a fucking pimple on the herpes sore on the ass on society. I found a nice beer bar downtown near the hotel we were staying at (and lucky for me, it was on the correct side of 5th Street, so it was safe to walk to after dark), but that was just about the only fucking highlight of the entire trip. I got home on Saturday afternoon, managed to have half a relaxing day, then get a phone call Sunday morning informing me that my mother had fallen and shattered her femur. I’m not exaggerating, folks. SHATTERED her femur. And less than a week before that, she’d managed to fall and re-break her elbow as well. The good news in all of this? I didn’t have to wake up at 5am that Tuesday and drive her to the hospital, because she was already there. Needless to say, the last week and change have been stressful and tiring and a lot of words that would probably get this website shut down by some Government Agency that monitors the internet. So, without further ado, all of my frustration, exhaustion, and downright black bile from the last few weeks will now be channeled toward the Goddamn Cardinals.

And Here. We. Go.

Friendly warning, if you find F-bombs/liberal curse words spread throughout a series preview offensive, you’d best go find something else to read. Might I suggest looking at this website instead? If you do partake in happy puppy website instead of reading this, I at least expect a nice comment for the warning and link, prick.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday  April 26th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Wednesday April 27th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Thursday April 28th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

Jaime Garcia (3-0, 1.44 ERA) vs. Bud Norris (1-1, 4.91 ERA)

I don’t know who the fuck Jaime Garcia is, but he can go fuck himself. He’s 24 years old, and looks like the love-child of Albert Pujols and Mike Hampton.

Jaime’s numbers this year are pretty damn spectacular, but the Astros, in limited chances against him, have positively destroyed his Turdinal ass. Collectively, the Good Guys sport a .500 (9-18) average against him, and there are a lot of guys that have gotten in on the action. Kabong (2-3), Senor Sanchez (2-3, 2B, 2 RBIs), Boojwah (1-3, 2B, RBI), CJ (1-2, RBI), Downs (1-2, BB), and Billy Hall (1-1, HR, RBI). Beaker, of course, is horrible against him (0-3, K). I suspect that means he knows how to bounce a slider.

Bud Norris has been his usual obnoxious self so far this year. Way too many pitches per batter, lots of strike outs to go along with lots of hits, and a high ERA. The only real upside to ol’ Bud so far is his complete and total lack of photogenic picture taking ability. He looks like he’s either about to take a dump or he just got a whiff of what he dropped off in every profile picture I’ve seen of him.

Bud has had some decent success against the Card hitters, with a .264 BA against (23-87). I know you’re just dying to hear how Prince Fuckwad (Not to be confused with Prince Fielder, who’s first name really should be Planet instead of Prince) does against Norris. Lady Albert (4-17, 2 2B, RBI), Holliday (5-19, 2 HR, 2B, 5RBI), Yadi “Slower Than Shit Rolling Uphill) Molina (4-14), The”Quiet”riot (2-7), Rasmus (4-16, 2 RB, HR), Former President Jon Jay (1-3),  and a few other fucking schulbs nobody cares about anyway.

Wednesday

Kyle Lohse (3-1, 2.01 ERA) v. J.A. Happ (1-3, 6.94)

How the FUCK does scrubby asshole Kyle Lohse has a 2.01 ERA?! That is re-goddamn-diculous. And while we’re on the topic, why does his picture on ESPN look like someone badly photoshopped an ugly landing strip goatee and a Cards hat on a picture of The Rock? I probably should know my role and shut my mouth about the whole thing, Jabroni.

Dwayne Johnson I mean, The People’s Champion. DAMNIT, Kyle Lohse, sports a decent .266 BA Against (41-151). Thunderpants blinks even less than normal (read: NEVER) against Kyle (11-31), Kabong (20-64, 6 2B, 5 HR, 9RBI), and Q (3-10, 2B, RBI) all hit him pretty well. It gets real ugly real fast after that: Michael (1-6), Hall (1-15), Bourn (4-24), and Rodeo Clown (0-2).

J.A. Happ has been pretty goddamn awful so far this year. That ERA is atrocious, and really, aside from one sparkling start (7 2/3 innings, 4 hits, 1 earned run, 4 walks, 5 strikeouts vs. Florida), he’s been a shit sandwich with extra mayo.

Ah, great news here though! The Asshole Cardinals sport a .375 batting average against (12-32). Princess Pujols (4-10, 2b, HR, 3RBI), Holliday (3-7, 2 RBI), YadiMo (3-7, 2 RBI), and Fucking Twinkie (1-2, HR, RBI) all have had a lot of success against him. More on Berkman at the end, I promise.

Thursday

Kyle McClellan (3-0, 2.16 ERA) v. Suckballs McIsFuckingTerrible (0-3, 8.55 ERA)

This is just ridiculous. The Cardinal starter ERAs look like someone is playing MLB: The Show on the Easy setting right now. 3 guys around 2 runs per 9? What is this bullshit? I don’t even know who this yokel is.

The Astros don’t do much against ol’ Kyle, either. A .243 collective batting average (9-37) doesn’t bode well.  Pence!! (4-11, RBI), and Bill Hall (2-5, HR, 2 RBI) are the only guys with even decent numbers against McClellan. Everyone else sucks hint tit ( 5-26 collectively, with 1 RBI and no extra base hits).

I don’t have a goddamn nice thing to say about Nelson Figueroa. Not a single one. He is fucking awful His ERA make Happ’s look like Nolan Goddamn Ryan. He sports a WHIP over 2, and has made it out of the 6th inning once in four starts. He walks a guy every other inning, averages a over a hit and a half an inning, and generally pisses me the fuck off. I’m not clamoring for Lyles to get called up, but come on, I bet there is someone within walking distance of Minute Maid RIGHT NOW (at 4:39pm on Tuesday) that would make a better starter than him.

Now that I got that off my chest, the good news. Greaseball Figs actually sports a decent BAA against the Redbirds (.250, 15/60). Pujols (2-13, 2b), Berkman (3-14, 2B, HR, 4 RBI), Yadi Molina (3-8), and Rasmus (2-4, 2B, RBI), Theriot (2-10, HR, RBI), and Matt Holliday (1-5, HR, 2 RBI) are pretty much all the highs and lows to see here. We’ll just hope for the best/swear at the TV a lot.

Notable Giveaways and Promotions

Tuesday is Price Matters Days. Or just go buy a nosebleed ticket and pretend your George Bush. Nobody will know the difference, just head on down to the fabled “Seats Behind Home Plate”, famed location of Ybbodeus’s Mythical Strike Two Dance.

Wednesday is another Price Matters Days. Fuck this boring ass shit.

Thursday is ANOTHER Price Matters Days. Wow, they must’ve spent the entire Promotional budget on this skanky high school girls that run around between innings and get the local slapdicks to play ring toss. What a load.

Injury Report

Cardinals

Bryan Augenstein strained his groin. Fuck him.

Craig Allen strained his groin too. Fuck him twice.

Albert Pujols has left hamstring tightness. You should  try giving La Genius a hummer while in a prone position every now and then, Albert. You’re 44 years old (unofficially), your body can’t handle the daily stresses that it once could.

Skip Schumaker is a douchebag. His name is Skip. Fuck him.

Brian Tallet broke a bone in his right hand. Finally, a real injury! He was placed on the DL April 13th, he should be back  Mid-May. We’ll give him a pass.

Adam Wainwright is doneski for the yearski with Tommy John surgery. While this injury is also legit, fuck Adam Wainwright.

Astros

Alberto Arias is out with shoulder tendinitis. He should be back in May.

Clint Barmes is due back right after this series, he is out with broken bone in his left hand.

Jason Castro will hopefully be back just in time for the Astros playoff push in September. He has a torn right knee.

Jeff Keppinger has foot surgery, and should be partaking in some extended spring training games soon. He’ll likely have a few rehab starts in the minors before coming back up to join the big club in May.

Wilton Lopez has an irritated nerve in his elbow. He should be back shortly after this series.

Other Stuff

• I’ll go ahead and start off with Lance Berkman. I posted this earlier, but I’m going to go ahead and paste it here too, just so everyone is crystal clear on how I feel about Lance.

“ou guys can pussyfoot and pansy around all you want.

Fuck Fat Elvis. He’s a Goddamn Redbird Traitor, and I’ll hate him until he isn’t a Goddamn Redbird Traitor anymore. I’d boo him at Minute Maid. I’d boo him at BFiB Field. I’d boo him while he’s asking for extra chili on his Sheriff Blaylock Nachos. And I’d boo him in line to get another Twinkie from the vending machine.

Fuck Lance Berkman.”

All the leadership talk about how he was a leader for the Astros… Hey, guess what? He was a shitty leader that didn’t lead his troops anywhere but Shitsville. Lance always seemed a lot more interested in snacky cakes and chatting with whoever was within earshot of first base than actually being a leader. Now there’s all this talk about what a great leader he is and leading by example. The only example I’ve seen him set is the example of a beloved player that basically needed to be booted to the curb to realize that he was a fat tub of goo that had eaten his way out of shape and in to constant injuries.

All that being said, I reiterate, Fuck Lance Berkman.

I hate the fucking Cardinals, so it makes it easy for me to spew some serious anger on them. Tony LaRussa is a smug cocksucker. Albert Pujols is a lying-about-his-age cocksucker. Matt Holliday is a having-too-many-l’s-in-his-last-name cocksucker. The list goes on. Fuck ’em, says I.

• And lastly, I should’ve written this way earlier in the preview, but my mom is going to be okay. She’ll be rehabbing her busted leg and arm for a couple of months, but she’s already on the road to recovery.

Discuss the game in the Goddamn Gamezone. And if you have any problems or complaints after reading this, please direct them to the SnS HR Director.

This is probably going to be a disjointed preview because my internet connection took a shit Wednesday night and still hasn’t come out of the bathroom. We’ve been having bad storms the last few days and lightning hit the tower that holds our wireless repeater, or whatever the fuck it is. Some guys went up there and tried to fix it and a few spurts of Internet came leaking through, but now it’s dead again.

So I’m having to look up stats and schedules and stuff on my iPhone, which is a colossal pain in the ass. Plus, did you see the news that iPhones are tracking your movements, everywhere you go? I carry my iPhone to the bathroom all the time to take a shit and play Angry Birds, so I hope those movements are stored in my personal Apple database.

Anyway, the Astros have left New York and headed for Milwaukee on the dreaded red-eye “Ponzi to Fonzie” flight. It’s named after that hilarious three-part episode of “Happy Days,” where Fonzie’s dumbass cousin (who looks a whole lot like Fonzie in a fright wig) goes to New York and accidentally invests all his money in the New York Mets, and of course goes bust because the stupid fucking Mets haven’t even been invented yet. So then Laverne and Shirley offer to make all the money back by running a Ponzi scheme at the brewery, which starts off great, but then everything goes to shit and they get laid off because the asshole Republican governor (who looks like Fonzie in a suit) dissolves their labor union. It all ends well of course, because Laverne and Shirley get their money back and create the Green Bay Packers, though there’s a hilarious scandal years later when Brett Favre shows Shirley his crank.

Well at least that’s how I remember it. I’d look it up on Youtube, but my internet’s out.

Miller Park

Friday, April 22, 7:10 p.m. CDT
Saturday, April 23, 6:10 p.m. CDT
Sunday, April 24, 1:10 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

The highlight of the weekend giveaways is a John Axford bobblehead. So be sure to get there early Sunday.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Nelson Figueroa (0-2, 7.31)  v. Yovani Gallardo (1-1, 4.62)

Current Brewers have 13 hits in 43 at-bats against Figueroa, for a not-too-shabby .302 average. Kotsay and Kotteras both have homers off him, and they’re a combined 5-for-7 as well. With two K’s. Rickie Weeks is also 3-for-9 off Figueroa, but Fielder and Dicknose Braun are a combined 2-for-14.

The Astros bat .300 against Gallardo in 90 at-bats. Carlos Lee is 7-for-23 against him and Hunter Pence is 6-for-22. Lee has the only homer off Gallardo. Michael Bourn is 8-for-20 but also has 7 strikeouts.

Saturday
Brett Myers (1-0, 2.39)  v. Shaun Marcum (2-1, 1.90)

Pretty much everyone on the Brewers has seen Myers a few times and they go 29-for-94 against him. Prince Fielder is 4-for-13 and three of those hits were homers. Weeks is 4-for-15 and also has a homer. Braun is 4-for-15 and McGeHeeHaw is 4-for-12.

Okay, there should be a team meeting at Bill Hall’s locker before today’s game. Hall is 5-for-7 against Marcum, with a double, three homers, and five RBI. Now that’s how you mark ’em up. Joe Inglett is the only other Astro who’s batted against Marcum, and he’s 0-for-2, so he should also plan on attending Hall’s meeting.

Sunday
Wandy Rodriguez (1-2, 5.48) v. Randy Wolf (2-2, 3.18)

Of course plenty of Brewers have batted against Wandy, but the current crop of Sausages is only 36-for-136 (.265) against him. They also have 35 strikeouts with Fielder accounting for nine of them. Carlos Gomez is 0-for-9 against Wandy with seven strikeouts. The Brewers have three homers off Wandy, all by Dicknose Braun.

Hey, our old buddy Randy Wolf is slumming in Milwaukee now. The Astros bat a weak .252 against him, though Lee, Pence, and Quintero all have homers. Angel Sanchez is also 3-for-5 against Wolf.

Injury Report

Houston – Arias, Keppinger, Barmes, and Lopez are all on the 15-day DL until later this month. Which I guess is pretty soon since there isn’t much month left.

Milwaukee – Zach Greinke, Manny Parra, and Corey Hart are all rehabbing in AAA. Reliever Sergio Mitre is questionable for this series, and another reliever, Takashi Saito, is out. Nyjer Morgan has a thigh bruise that is so deep, other team members are saying he’s even a pain in their ass. Nyjer and his ass are probably out for this series.

Balls in the Dirt

* Have you noticed that the lamest Angry Bird is the Red Bird? The Red Birds always suck until that big fat one comes up.

* A FOUR-BASE ERROR? Holy fucking shit. That’s not just slap-dickery, that’s like getting slapped in the face with a whole box of dicks.

* I’ve got my first insta-mute TV commercial of the season, which I will mute without fail anytime it plays during an Astros game. So I’ll just leave you with this earworm … “♫ Let’s go out to the DMV … ♫”

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.