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  • Series Previews (Page 39)

Astros at Cubs – A Rookie and a Veteran

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

Memorial Day is for honoring those killed in action, as it should be. But this also seems like a good time to pay respect to those who have carried lifelong war wounds, both physical and mental. So here’s the story of one wounded veteran.

*****

I got my appreciation for baseball from my grandfather on my dad’s side; no one else in my family cared about baseball at all. And I didn’t even know my grandfather all that well, because I was still young when he died.

In fact, along with not caring about baseball, most of the family didn’t really care for my grandfather either. Years later, all I heard from distant relatives was what a mean old bastard he was. I’ve heard enough of their stories to know they were probably true, but I never saw that side of him.

I remember my mom and dad commenting several times that it was curious that the old man was so nice to me, compared to how he treated everyone else. And not only that, they were amazed that I asked to go see him every week; no one ever went to see him voluntarily. Somehow the cranky old war veteran and this scrawny, sickly kid had something in common.

The reason I went to visit him every Saturday was to watch the Game of the Week. It was the only time I could see baseball on TV, because nobody else in my house wanted to watch it. We’d get either an NL or AL game of the week; I always hoped for the NL game because Johnny Bench was my favorite player, but the Rangers had also just come into being and my grandfather had lived in Arlington for a long time, so he always wanted to see if they were any good. They weren’t, but we still enjoyed watching.

I would spread out my baseball cards on my grandfather’s coffee table and tell him about all the players we were watching. He’d just grin and nod, because he couldn’t really hear me. He was practically stone deaf, most likely from his time in World War I.

He’d have his easy-chair pulled up right beside the old black-and-white TV so he could hear it, but by the third inning he’d usually be snoring anyway. Just before he’d doze off, he’d always perk up for a second, and remind me that there was ice-cold Coke (in glass bottles) and a bag of Chips-Ahoy cookies in the kitchen. Like I didn’t know that already; my mom did all his grocery shopping and those two things were always at the top of his list. He’d usually wake up before the end of the game, and I’d give him a detailed recap, and then he’d call my mom or dad to come pick me up.

When I was 8 I joined a pee-wee league baseball team, but I wasn’t very good. I didn’t have anyone to practice with, and my grandfather was too feeble by then. But he still managed to come to all my games and sit right in the front row, and he’d grin and clap, even when I was striking out.

Soon after that he moved back to the Dallas area, and he died when I was 12. So the only clear memories I have of him revolve around baseball, but as I learned later, there was so much more to him.

I’ll tell you about that after the series preview …

Astros at Cubs – A Rookie and a Veteran

Wrigley Field

Monday, May 30, 1:20 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, May 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, June 1, 1:20 p.m. CDT

I guess I don’t get games on My20pixels anymore. Dish Network used to carry them, but I guess they got dropped. Maybe the coverage will be better on FSN after the damn basketball season is over.

Not so notable giveaways

Extra absorbent for comfort where you need it most

Monday – A free piece of wearable asswipe for the first 10,000 fans. It looks like a T-shirt, but you can tell by the logo that it’s really for wiping your ass. Though maybe this is just a sneaky way to trick the dumbass Bleacher Bums into putting on a fucking shirt to cover up their man-teats.

Wednesday – Cubs Promotional Item to the first 10,000 fans. Really, that’s all their website says, just “promotional item.” I guess it’s just whatever shitty merchandise they have lying around that even Cub fans won’t buy.


Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Aneury Rodriguez (0-2, 4.98)  v. Rodrigo Lopez (no record)

Aneury has only allowed three runs in his last 11+ innings, but he still doesn’t have a win. When he was in the bullpen earlier in the season he pitched a couple of innings against the Cubs, and gave up two hits and one run.

Lopez has been in the Majors for nine years, but has been at AAA this season and is trying to nail down the last spot in the Cubs’ rotation. Good luck with that. Several Astros have batted against him but the only one who’s done any good is Hunter Pence – he’s 5-for-9 with a double and a homer.

Tuesday
Jordan Lyles (no record) v. Carlos Zambrano (5-2, 4.59)

Lyles was 3-3 in Oklahoma City and got the call-up after Wandy went on the DL. He’s going right to the front lines because his mound opponent is  …

Assmunch Zambrano. No current Astros have done much against Zambrano, with the exception of Carlos Lee. He’s 23-for-61 (.377) with six doubles and five homers. On the other hand, Bill Hall has 18 strikeouts in 44 at-bats against Zambrano.

Wednesday
Brett Myers (1-4, 5.11) v. Doug Davis (0-3, 6.75)

Myers is 11-3 in 14 career appearances against the Cubs, with one of those wins coming earlier this year. ErrorMiss has two homers off him and Soriano has three, but they both have a ton of strikeouts too.

Davis is in his 12th season, and his record against Houston is the opposite of Myers at 3-11. Hall, Barmes, and Keppinger each have a homer against him, and Carlos Lee bats .538 (7-for-13).


Injury Report

Houston – The usual suspects, plus now Wandy and Quintero are on the DL until sometime in June. Jason Bourgeois starts a rehab assignment later this week.

Chicago – Marlon Byrd is out with a broken grill after getting plunked by the Red Sox; I’m guessing the irony of being beaned in Boston was lost on him.
Also, Brian Schlitter is on the DL; you may remember that name from my Opening Day preview with the Phillies, where he was also on the DL. The Phillies had claimed him on waivers, but then realized he was a Cub, and therefore damaged goods, so they sent him back to Chicago.
Carlos Zambrano has a pain in the neck but will probably pitch Wednesday.
And there’s some other Cubs on the DL, but who gives a shit.

*****

Anyway, the rest of my grandfather’s story has only come to me second-hand, at best, so I’ve probably got some details wrong. I heard bits and pieces from my dad and other family members, plus there’s even an old Texas history book from the 1930s that has biographies of notable Texans, and there are a couple of paragraphs about him.

But it’s been a long damn time since his war, and if I’ve gotten some of my grandfather’s details wrong, well, I don’t think anyone will know. There’s just no one left who would remember. But this is his story, as best I can piece together.

From what I can tell, he was working on a ship that was ferrying troops to England just as the U.S. was entering World War I. His ship was torpedoed and sunk by a German U-Boat, but he survived and still made it to England somehow. He joined the Army and was assigned to an ambulance company, and he participated in five major battles. According to this old history book I’ve got, that’s the most battles any American could have been in. I don’t know what rank he achieved, or what honors he may have earned; I tried to get his military records from the government, but they were lost when the archives burned decades ago.

He would have been in his early twenties then, and I can’t even imagine what horrors he must have seen as a front-line medic in the muddy trenches of France. He didn’t escape unharmed either; at some point he was gassed by the Germans, probably with mustard gas. He survived because he was wearing a gas mask, but he carried scars from the blisters for the rest of his life. Until the day he died, his head was the only place on his body where he could grow hair, because it had been protected by the gas mask.

So after being torpedoed, sunk, shot at, and gassed, I guess it’s understandable that he came home with a burning hatred for all things German. Today I’m sure we would call it PTSD. I don’t know how that hatred played out over the next 50 years, but I do know some hazy details about how it affected him near the end.

As he grew old his body and mind began to fail, and he was in and out of VA facilities. At some point, I guess in the early 70s, he was in a regular civilian hospital for some reason or another. My dad got a frantic call to come to the hospital, because the old war veteran was out of control. He had attacked another old man with his walking cane and nearly beaten him to death. He thought the other man was a German.

My dad convinced the hospital to keep treating him, but they insisted that the old man had to be strapped to his bed. After a few days my dad got them to take off the restraints, at least while he was visiting. But one day he left the room for a few minutes, and when he came back the bed was empty. And then he saw his dad cowering behind the bed, peeking over the top. “Shhh, be quiet!” he said, pointing out to the hallway. “There’s Germans out there.”

My dad was a pretty tough old veteran himself; he’d served in the Pacific in World War II. One of the few times I ever saw him cry was when he explained why he’d had the hospital strap his dad back to the bed.

My grandfather lived a couple more years, and then whatever horrors he’d seen and done went with him to his grave. He didn’t leave much behind, but in his will he singled out one item – the beat-up old black-and-white TV. No one else in the family understood why he specifically left it to me, but I did.

On second thought, maybe my dad did understand. At my grandfather’s funeral, the honor guard fired their volleys, folded the flag from his casket, and a soldier marched over to my father and intoned the solemn “grateful nation” speech:

“Sir, on behalf of the President of the United States and the people of a grateful nation, may I present this flag as a token of appreciation for the honorable and faithful service your loved one rendered this nation.”

And then he presented the flag … but my dad wouldn’t take it. Instead, he put his hand on my shoulder and told the soldier, “That flag belongs to this young man.” So the soldier took one step sideways, repeated the speech, and gave me the flag. And I still have it, alongside the one I got 20 years later at my dad’s funeral.

And there’s one last detail that makes all this a little more poignant to me. That cranky old war veteran wasn’t my biological grandfather. My mom and dad adopted me when I was born, into a family where the men had black hair and brown eyes. I have blond hair and blue eyes … and a biological line that goes straight back to Germany.

It was never a secret, so surely my grandfather knew. But he managed to put all that history aside and teach me a love of baseball and ice-cold Cokes.

He’s been dead for nearly 40 years now, but baseball lives on, and whenever I watch a game on Memorial Day it takes me back to a time when I could only watch the games on a black-and-white TV.

*****

Thank a veteran today, and then discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

VENOMOUS

Posted on May 27, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, News, Series Previews

Arizona (26-24) vs. Houston (19-31)
May 27-29, 2011
Minute Maid Park

HOUSTON (SnS) – The Arizona Diamondbacks roll into town this weekend two games over .500 and in second place in the NL West, a couple of games out of first. Read More

Astros vs. Dodgers: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Into the Parking Lot

Posted on May 23, 2011 by Limey in Featured, Series Previews

The Astros just won a series.  On the road.  In a foreign country.  Against a team from the other league.

I’ll just let you ponder that for a moment…because I have something more mindblowing to tell you.Read More

Meet the Fockers: Astros @ Cardinals Series Preview

Posted on May 18, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

Where better to go at the low point of a low season than Shitbird City?  I’m ready.  Bring it on.  Let Jim Crane see how much work needs to be done.  Let that $650 million dollar hole in his pocket gape in awe at what’s now filling it.  But let’s also shut these redheaded, eye-infected fucks up.

——

A little paint, some wallpaper...

It's a fixer-upper

I know how Jim Crane feels.  I mean, not in the sense that I have enough money for Limey’s drinking, Alkie’s whores, and Jim’s hip replacement(s) in my couch cushions, but I get it, man.  We’re in the process of buying a house right now.  A ninety year old house at that.  The current owner is flipping it after putting a fair amount of money and effort into dressing it up and making it more livable.  But like a certain recently departed Grocer, he did it on the cheap.  Bad wiring?  Bury it in spray-in insulation.  Termites?  Paint over the rotted wood.  Overweight, overpaid LF?  Make him a team of sombrero-wearing mascots!  Wait, which side of this analogy was I on again?

The point being that Crane has the next few months to inspect.  And reinspect.  At all levels.  Minor league.  Major league.  Front office.  Back office.  He’s going to find things he wants to change, and other things that make him smile, because they’re the reasons he wanted to own a major league team in the first place.  The previous owner neglected things, to be sure.  But like houses that have “good bones”, this team has good pieces to build on.  Not necessarily from an on-field talent perspective.  God and Baseball Prospectus know that Oklahoma City has about as much talent as the collective cast of Glee, but there’s still Bobby Heck, and Ed Wade, and Jio Mier, and Telvin Nash, and all the other promising kids collected under their watch.  Preserve that spirit, those bones, and this house will be alright, in time.

By the same token, though, I fucking hate house shopping.  I hate telling financiers how much (or little) I make.  I hate standing around trying to look like I understand when the roofing guy talks to me like I’ve ever been to the High Degree of Difficulty aisles at Home Depot.  I hate the nickel and diming on closing costs.  I hate the way it’s completely taking over my life.  And I really fucking hate this Astros season.  It’s proving every nay-saying jackass right (in their mind), and it’s becoming almost comical in its predictability.  But if this is what we go through every two decades in order to have a 2005 once in a while, then so be it.

Here are the keys, Jimmy.  The Lil’ Pumas have already been fumigated.  I hope you don’t fuck it up.

Probable Pitchers

Wednesday, May 18th

7:15 CT, Awesome Brewery Bill Blocking Stadium

Bud Norris (2-2, 3.42) v. Kyle Lohse (4-2, 2.31)

Kyle Lohse looks like he touches himself during MMA matches.  That little chin-dot goatee.  I bet he can’t grow a real beard.   Collectively, the ‘stros hit .255 against him, but Carlos has 5 dingers off him, which would be great if he still knew how to hit them.  The immortal Brett Wallace hits .667 against Lohse, probably because Lohse gets all transfixed by DAT ASS!

Bud is the Card slayer.  I expect a complete fucking game here, for obvious reasons.

Thursday, May 19th

12:45 CT, Screw You I’m Drinking Southern Star RIGHT NOW Stadium

J.A. Happ (3-4, 5.40) v. Kyle McClellan (5-1, 3.62)

Don't we all?

Why are goatees still popular?  McClellan has one.  He looks like a douche.  He probably wears cargo shorts to dinner, and lets the waitress sit down at the booth while she explains the snapper special.  Hell, he probably asks for that waitress every time.  Hunter loves him, which probably means his breaking stuff is for shit.  Bill Hall is over .350 against him, which means that he has a magic pitch that can be hit even when it’s way out of the strike zone.  Also, McClellan’s Baseball-Reference page is sponsored by Cardinal-birthdays.com.  That’s so damned sad I almost can’t even make fun of it.  Almost.  Imagine a party where the party planner is purported to be the best party planner in baseball party planning, except the cake tastes like taint, and the clown falls asleep drunk and has communicable diseases.

Happ was totally worth trading for Berkman straight up.  *ducks*  Pujols and Holliday both hit him well, so the bully should be glad to know that there probably won’t be a lead to defend when they’re called upon.

Injury Report

Astros:

Alberto Arias: Missing in action.  Chuck Norris currently searching.

Jason Bourgeois: Strained oblique.  Had plasma injecction.  Dammit, not another superhero movie.

Jason Castro: Out til September.  Not a good year to be a Jason in Houston.

Jeff Keppinger: Our last and best hope is almost back. If only he could pitch the 7th, we’d be golden.

Brandon Lyon: 15 day DL (suck)

Shitbirds

Bryan Augenstein: 15 day DL.  Strained groin. I think you can write the rest of this joke.

David Freese: Broke left hand.  Wait, I think these two might be related!

Nick Punto: Right forearm flexor strain.  What the hell kind of orgy was this?

Colby Rasmus: muscle strain in midsection.  The butthole’s in the midsection, right?

Skip Schumacher: right triceps strain. I mean, seriously?  Is it all just wanking arms and one groin?

Brian Tallet: broken bone in right hand.  Oh my lord.  I’m starting to feel sorry for Augenstein.

Adam Wainwright: ligament damage in right elbow.  Wow.  Just wow.

Prrrrrromotions!

NONE WHATSOEVER!

What to watch for:

A mercifully short series.

More Berkman stories, dammit.

The national media returning to sleep about the Astros.

The final end of the nonstop Augenstein wank orgy.

Talk it up, fuzzball!  In the Game Zone!

Astros at Braves – What Is This? Asshole Teams Of The NL East Week?

Posted on May 16, 2011 by MRaup in Series Previews

So far this season, it seems like the Astros are all about missed opportunities and blown leads. The Mets series last weekend is a perfect example.

Friday night, the Good Guys led 4-0 heading in to the seventh inning, before Fulchino and the rest of the bullpen proceeded to bumblefuck their way to a final score of 6-4 (and wasting a pretty solid 6 innings of shutout baseball from Bud Norris).

Saturday, JA Happ and company managed to piece together a decent looking ballgame, and the bullpen and bats held up on their way to a 7-3 Astros win.

Sunday, looking for the series win, the wheels officially came off in the fifth, when Aneury Rodriguez’s no-hit bid was rudely broken up to the tune of 5 earned runs in an inning (4 in the fifth and another in the sixth without getting anyone out.  The slapdickery in the fifth started in earnest when Carlos Lee, playing first, twiddledicked a high pop up right on top of the mound in to an error, running past where the ball was coming down and letting it fall harmlessly to the ground.  Some scattered offense made things interesting, but the Goddamn Fucking Mets nailed down the win, 7-4.

I don’t think things are going to get much better in the near future, either.

The Edifice of Greed – Turner Field (Easily my favorite nickname of a ballpark)

Monday, May 16, 6:10pm FS-H HD, DirecTV-678

Tuesday, May 17, 12:05pm My20-“HD”

Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Monday

Brett Myers (1-3, 5.01) v. Tommy Hanson (4-3, 2.51)

Mr. Myers has really scuffled this season to find any kind of consistency. he’s 0-3 in his last three starts, with an over 8 ERA. That’s pretty rough. And the news doesn’t get better against the Bravos, either.

As a team, the Braves hit Brett to the tune of .337, with an OPS of 1.085. Chipper Jones (12-38, 3HR), Nate McLouth (5-11, 3HR), Brian McCann (12-36, 2HR), Dan Uggla (14-40, 5HR), Martin Prado (4-7), and Alex Gonzalez (7-23) all knock him around pretty good. This one could be ugly.

Tommy Hanson wants you to come on in here, have a seat on that stool right over there. All hilarious child molester jokes aside, this guy is an asshole. He’s absolutely dominated the ‘Stros in his career, giving up just two earned runs over 23 innings, with 18 strikeouts.

And if you need any more evidence, the Astros as a team sport a .152 average (7-46) against Tommy. Yuck. Clint Barmes (1-3, 2B), and JR Towles (1-3) are pretty much the only highlights to mention here.

Tuesday

Wandy Rodriguez (2-3, 3.98) v. Derek Lowe (3-3, 3.73)

Wandy’s numbers aren’t great, but they’re not terrible. He’s been victimized by both himself and the spotty bullpen more than once this year, and is his usual inconsistent self. You never know which Wandy you’re going to get.

Wandy’s had a lot of success against the current Bravos. They sport a .242 average (29-120), and the power numbers are pretty ugly as well (OPS: .639). Erick Henske (2-2), David Ross (6-18), Nate McClouth (6-20), and Martin Prado (4-14 are the only ones with decent success against him other than Chipper (4-15, 2HR).

Derek Lowe is apparently still in the big leagues… Who knew?

The Astros hit a respectable .313 (30-96) against Derek. Kabong (16-38, 2HR), Bourney (6-13), and Thunderpants (3-9) all hit him pretty well.

And on a more personal note, I think that Derek Lowe should make a lot more effort to look like Rob Lowe, as to avoid confusion. Frankly, I think Derek Lowe is a two-seamer-throwing asshole.

Promotional Giveaways This Series

Monday – Buck Belue 5 Buck Night –  On Mondays this season, get a Terrace Reserved seat, normally priced at $24, for only $5. That’s right: a lower level seat for just 5 dollars! That’s a savings of 79%! Not 80%, not 78%. 79%!

Tuesday – 2 for 30 Tuesdays! – Get 2 seats in the GMC Club Pavilion for $30. On other nights, these tickets are $28 apiece – that’s a 46% discount!

Jesus Christ, the Braves Promotions Department is apparently Nerd Central. Do you idiots really think anyone that lives in/around Atlanta knows what the hell a percentage is?

Ridiculous Fantasy Injury Report

Houston:

Alberto Arias – His arm is still fucked up.

Boojwah (I spell it like that because I don’t want to bother having to click back and forth 10 times to make sure I spelled it right. That’s right, this took less time to type than his name) – Fucked up oblique. He had plasma injection therapy on May 10th. That sounds weird as hell.

Castro – His knee is still fucked up.

Keppinger – Almost back from a fucked up foot.

Brandon Lyon – His arm is ALL fucked up.

Atlanta:

Brandon Beachy – His last name is fucked up.

Jason Heyward – Day to day with a fucked up shoulder.

Chipper Jones – He’s a day to day cocksucker. And his knee is fucked up. But mostly he’s a cocksucker.

Kris Melden – His arm is fucked up, Tommy John style. Also, has anyone seen Kris Benson lately? This guy seems like he might just be Kris Benson with a cleverly altered last name.

Peter Moylan – His back is fucked up.

Random Musings

  • I used to really like Dan Uggla. His swing-your-ass-off approach at the plate used to really entertain me. Now he’s a Brave. Fuck Dan Uggla.
  • The Astros are getting less and less watchable as the season goes on. Whenever the bullpen is handed a lead, it seems like it’s more a matter of when they’re going to blow it than if. That is shitty shitty baseball to watch, unless you really like betting on bullpen implosions. In that case, I bet you’re a rich, rich man
  • My hockey playoff run is over. The Wings gave San Jose all the wanted, but got behind in game 7 and couldn’t catch up. I’m very hopeful that the Wings GM will use some of their cap space to can a few of the shit-heels that play on the blue line and sign some young talent… I’m looking at you, Ericcson.
  • Lastly, I always wait until the last second to write these previews. It’s 5:53pm right now, and I’m almost finished. I hate rushing my way through, but at the same time I find that my style of writing tends to work a lot better when I’m in a hurry than when I sit and try and think of witty shit to write.

Talk about today’s game in the Gamezone!

Mets at Astros – UnMet Expectations

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

It’s Friday the 13th and the goddamn New York Mets are in town. What could possibly go wrong? Man, I don’t care if the Astros and Mets were playing across the road from me in the neighbors’ cow pasture, I wouldn’t go to that game. I’d rather stay inside with my two black cats, sit under a ladder, and break mirrors than venture out on Friday the 13th while the bumblefuck Mets are in town.

You never know what might happen when the Apple-knob-polishers are around. You might trip and accidentally commit a four-base error, or accidentally get in a Ponzi scheme, or divide by zero and crash the stock market. Some dumbshit might agree to pay Bobby Bonilla a million fucking dollars every year until the next Ice Age. And what the hell, maybe invest a gazillion dollars in Carlos Beltran. He’ll never get hurt. Or strike out looking.

So stay the fuck away from this series. Wait till the next homestand and see some other dumbass team like the Dodgers; at least you won’t run the risk of being infected by the festering ball of suck that is the New York Mets …

… who, by the way, just won two out of three in Denver against the Rukkakes. The mile-high finale featured three homers from the Ponzi-Rican whore. Ouch. On its face, you could say he was making mountains out of mole hills. He erupted, even.

Now the shit-heel Mets have made their way to Houston. It took a while though, because they had to hock the team jet, of course. Instead, they had to co-charter a bus with an Asian tour group in the Rocky Mountains. They had to stop at every interesting place along the way. Luckily that’s a shitty, uninteresting drive or they never would have made it in time.

Well anyway, when the Astros played the Mets a few weeks ago, I thought “Man that team looks like runover dogshit.” And of course that applied to both teams, but I meant it about the stupid fucking Mets. But I just looked at the standings and there are four other teams in the NL, not counting the Astros, who are worse than the Mets. Now it’s probably just a seasonal variation, like El Nino or whatever the hell. By the end of the summer the Mets will be firmly locked in the NL East cellar, just begging for a lick of the Nationals’ balls.  Of course by that time, the Astros may be asking the same thing of the Pirates, so I guess be careful what you wish for.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, May 13, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Saturday, May 14, 3:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, May 15, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Other than the usual package deals and fireworks and shit:

Friday – A pink Astros tote bag. No thanks, though I’d take one if it had a Mets logo. Then I could use it to scoop cat shit AND be environmentally conscious. Seriously, if anyone ever finds a Mets tote bag, send it to me. I promise to post photos. And I have a lot of cat shit at my house.

Saturday – A Chris Johnson pink bat bobblehead. Nice try, but meh. I realize they have to do bobbleheads for someone, but I don’t think Chris Johnson has earned one yet.

I think they should do a Hunter Pence Four-Base Error Bobblehead, except not only the head, but all the feet, arms, legs, and hands would bobble too. And a little baseball could bounce from one to the other, then finally just roll across the floor and go all to the way to the wall.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Dillon Gee (2-0, 3.80)  v. Bud Norris (2-2, 3.16)

Gee pitched two no-hitters for Cleburne High School and also played at UT-Arlington. But he’s a Met now so fuck him. All I need to see is the orange “NY” on his cap, and “fuck him.” I’m not normally such a perfect judge of character, but when it comes to Mets, I’m golden. Anyway, he’s never faced anyone on the Astros, so, you know …. fuck him.

Norris is 1-1 against the Mets, and he faced them earlier this season and got a no-decision that the team came back to win. The Whore is 3-for-6 with two doubles off Bud, and Jose Reyes is 3-for-7. Scott Hairston, Daniel Murphy, and Josh Thole all have homers off him. Whoever those guys are. Oh wait, I’ve heard of Hairston, I just meant to forget him.

Saturday
R.A. Dickey (1-4, 4.50) v. J.A. Happ (2-4, 5.75)

Dickey has already lost to the Astros once this season. And it’s time to break out our secret weapon Met-Killer Joe Inglett, because he’s 4-for-7 with two doubles against Dickey. Carlos Lee is 7-for-18 with three doubles and a homer. Hunter Pence is only 1-for-9 against Dickey, but the one hit was a homer.

Happ is 1-2 in five appearances against the Ponzis. Beltran is 4-for-13 with two homers off him, and David Wright is 6-for-11 with two doubles and three homers. Ouch. On the plus side, Mets fans will still be paying for those homers in higher ticket prices through 2050.

Sunday
Chris Capuano (2-4, 4.93) v. Aneury Rodriguez (0-1, 5.50)

Capuano has a 5-4 record in 10 appearances against the Astros, but some of those games were back when Biggio and Bagwell were in the starting lineup. Current Astros are a weak 10-for-61 (.164) against him, with the only homer coming from Chris Johnson. In fact, at 2-for-6, Johnson is the best Astros hitter against Capuano. Too bad we can’t let the weekend broadcast team bat against him.

Aneury went two innings in relief against the steM earlier in the season. He only gave up one hit but it was a homer to Ike Davis. However, Davis is on the DL and won’t be in this series. No one on the Mets has more than one AB against Aneury.

Injury Report

New York – Ike Davis is out until later this month, and Angel Pagan should be back for the summer solstice. Bobby Parnell and Pedro Beato are on rehab assignments. Johan Santana is out. David Wright was doubtful for the last series so might still be hurting.

Houston – Jason Michaels should be back for this series, and Keppinger is on a rehab assignment. Arias, Bourgeios, Lyon, and Castro are still on the DL.

Balls in the Dirt

* I know I’ve bitched about this before, but the worst part of writing series previews is that I have to spend time at the opposing team’s website. For fuck’s sake, I’ve just spent an hour or more on the goddamn Mets website. I feel so dirty, I want to uninstall this unclean browser and install a new one like Chrome that’s never been to the Mets site.

* Or maybe I could invent a new Firefox extension that searches your history and removes any mention of the Mets. I’ll call it UnMet, or Sweep the Mets.

* Or Fuck the Mets.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

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