Pirates at Astros – A Real Fixer-Upper

Posted on July 15, 2011 by Craig in Series Previews

I’ve been trying to think of the most fucked-up thing that ever happened to me, to try to compare it to the Astros’ worst season ever, but I’m coming up blank. Honestly, nothing says “fucked-up” more than noting the Astros are the worst team in the Majors, by a spread bigger than Brett Wallace’s ass, and the Pirates are a game out of first place. Let me repeat that: the PIRATES ARE A GAME OUT OF FIRST PLACE.

This season sort of feels like buying an old house. You know there are going to be a few things that have to be fixed, but after you move in you realize the previous owner was a damn cheapskate. He told you the roof was brand new, but it turns out to just have a few new shingles nailed down by some guys from Home Depot. All the light bulbs are gone, the copper plumbing is all ripped out, and there’s a giant black stain in the corner of the backyard where he dumped his used motor oil. But the prick did leave you all his shitty old clothes that have to be hauled to Goodwill, plus 20 years’ worth of poisons and weedkiller are still stacked in the shed. And you don’t even want to look in the cellar.

It seems like that’s what Jim Crane has to look forward too whenever he takes possession. Drayton sold off anything of value and is leaving nothing but a few Brett Myers bobbleheads that he couldn’t give away, some stale nachos that even Lance Berkman wouldn’t eat, and Doug Brocail’s medical records (because the new owner will still need those, plus they were too heavy to haul away). Oh, and by the way, the homeowners association just instituted a new rule requiring a designated hitter. Sorry you missed the vote, but it was right there in the by-laws.

Yeah, you kind of expect to find some hidden flaws when you move into a new place. But shit, who expects to move in and find a fat-ass American Leaguer lounging in the pool, inviting his buddies over to rove around and piss in the bushes? Man, that’s a deal-breaker right there. I’d rather put up with the Pirates winning the division than move to the goddamn American League.

So everyone’s sitting around waiting for the deal to close, but Drayton has pretty much moved on and certainly won’t bother to mow the lawn or pull the weeds. Which is probably best at this point anyway: you’d rather clean up the mess he already made than risk him making a bigger one. Dude, just hand over the keys and move on, please.

Yeah, this was a pretty sweet place at one time. But that was years ago, and it will be a long time before the new owner can make it respectable again. But we’ve got nowhere else to go, so we may as well clean out the cellar, set up the TV, and watch a few ballgames. I hear the Pirates are going to win the Central this year …

Minute Maid Park
Friday, July 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Saturday, July 16, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, July 17, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Giveaways
(I usually label this “notable giveaways,” but there’s really nothing notable here. Drayton must be digging in the back of the goodie closet trying to find whatever lame shit is left to give away.)

Friday – The usual fireworks
Saturday – Faith and Family Night with some band you never heard of
Sunday – A photo frame for kids. Meh.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Jeff Karstens (7-4, 2.55) v. Brett Myers (3-9, 4.88)
Karstens has the sixth-best ERA in the league and is 2-0 against the Astros this season. Several Astros hit him well, including Quintero (3-for-4 with a double and triple), Barmes (3-for-8 with a homer), Lee (5-for-17), and especially Hunter Pence, 7-for-16 with a double and a homer). At the other end of the scale, Bourn and Kepp are both 3-for-17 against Karstens.

Myers is 6-5 in 12 starts against the Pirates, and 0-1 this year. None of the Pirates have a homer off him, but McCutchen is 6-for-19, Overbay is 4-for-7, and Presley and Diaz are both 3-for-4.

Saturday
Paul Maholm (6-9, 2.96) v. Bud Norris (5-6, 3.46)
Maholm is in his seventh season for the Pirates and has an 11-6 record against Houston in 19 starts. Current Astros are a collective 67-for-242 (.277) against him, with two homers each for Barmes and Pence. In fact, Barmes has scorched him with 12 hits in 25 AB’s, with three doubles and a triple to go along with the two homers. Bourn and Chris Johnson have fared poorly against Maholm.

Norris is 1-2 against Pittsburgh this year but his ERA is only 2.57. He’s also struck out 21 Pirates in 21 innings. Garrett Jones is 6-for-19 with a homer against Norris, and Overbay also has a homer. McCutchen is 7-for-22 with two doubles and a triple.

Sunday
Kevin Correia (11-7, 4.01) v. Wandy Rodriguez (6-6, 3.52)
Correia went to the All-Star Game but didn’t make an appearance. He’s 0-1 in four career appearances against the Astros but hasn’t faced them this year. Current Astros are 21-for-67 (.313) against Correia, with most of the hits coming from Carlos Lee (5-for-11) and Clint Barmes (5-for-16). Chris Johnson is 3-for-3 against him.

Wandy has a 7-5 record in 15 starts against the Pirates. Brandon Wood is 4-for-5 with a homer off Wandy, and Overbay is 7-for-15. Neil Walker also has a homer off him. Garrett Jones and Andrew McCutchen are a combined 3-for-24 with six strikeouts.

Injury Report

Pittsburgh – Reliever Joe Beimel should be back for this series, and leftfielder Jose Tabata might be. First baseman Steve Pearce, shortstop Ronny Cedeno, reliever Evan Meek, catcher Ryan Doumit, and starter Kevin Hart are out until later this month. Catcher Chris Snyder and starter Ross Ohlendorf are gone longer than that.

Houston – Bourgeios is on a rehab assignment and Abad could be back later this month. Arias, Lyon, and Castro … not so much.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

SLEEPING WITH THE FUCKING FISHES

Posted on July 6, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, News, Series Previews

Houston (30-58) vs. Miami (39-48)
July 7-10, 2011
Fish Head Stadium
__________________________________

Holly came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitchhiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs
And then he was a she

She said, “Hey, babe. Take a walk on the wild side . . .”Read More

Astros at Pirates: Wait…You Expected Something from ME Yesterday?

Posted on July 5, 2011 by Limey in Featured, Series Previews

In the unpreviewed Game #1 of this series, Myers managed to keep the Pirates in the park, but still gave up 13 hits and 4 runs. The Astros managed only 3 runs, despite 3 ‘Root errors, and so Brett lost his 8th game of the year and the Astros their 57th. The Astros are now 6 games behind the next worst team in all of baseball, and the only team that hasn’t comfortably passed the 30-win mark.

This, fresh off a 3-game cockpunch courtesy of the Red Socks.

This team is historically bad, and has no opportunity to get better. In fact, it will get worse as some of the more functional major leaguers get traded away for prospects. I agree with that philosophy, but it’s going to be hard to stay engaged while the prospects boost the minor league ranks and the big club is staffed by journeymen and no-hopers. You know…how the bullpen is already.

Meanwhile, the Pirates haven’t lost a series since getting swept by the Indians in Cleveland, which was their only series loss since getting swept by the Braves in a 2-game set at home way back in May. To be fair, they’ve seen an awful lot of the Mets, D-Backs and Astros in that time, but they also picked off the Phillies and Red Sox in that time, and they can only play who they’re scheduled to play.

Lucky for them, they’re scheduled to play the Astros and Cubs running up to the ASB, and then the Astros again coming out of it so, basically, they’ve got the next two weeks off. They’re only 1.5 games out of 1st place in the Central, and they could really make a statement by rolling over the two worst teams in baseball before clashing with the Reds and Jakes. The only thing I see standing between them and the division lead is the fact that, towards the end of the month, the Jakes get 10 games against the National League’s dregs – including a 4-game set at home against the Astros.

Fuck Lance Berkman.

PNC Park

Tuesday, 6:05pm CDT
Wednesday, 6:05pm CDT

Probable Match-Ups

Rodriguez (6-4, 2.97) vs. Karstens (6-4, 2.65)

Team wins leader, Wandy, will try to keep his good run going; he’s 2-1, 2.37 in his last 3 starts. He’s also the only Astros’ starter with a positive record (and one of only 3 pitchers in total with that claim to fame – the others being Melancon, 5-2 and F-Rodriguez, 1-0). He’s 7-4 lifetime against Pittsburgh but, because they usually turn over their entire roster (to the Cubs) each year at the trading deadline, he’s not got much history with the current crop. Diaz hits him to the tune of .357, while he waxes Jones and McCutchen like cnadles.

Karstens

RHP Karstens has nearly identical numbers to Wandy, and no chin. He hasn’t lost in 6 starts, a streak that’s hard to see being broken this night. His career against Houston is a very middling 2-2, 4.80, but he keeps most of the current Astros hitters quiet – Bourn and Keppinger notably sub-Mendoza – but Pence has him for a nice round .500 average including a big swat.

Norris (4-6, 3.51) vs. Morton (7-4, 3.63)

Hopefully Bud’s mum has gotten around to changing the sheets after he shit the bed against the Red Sox last time out. Carrying a 1-hitter and 4-run lead into the sixth, he was the bulk of a 6-run explosion that saw all his work thrown down the crapper. He’s 0-1 over his last 3 starts with 20 ponches, but that high 3-something ERA isn’t going to get you much joy in front of this hapless bunch. Of the Pirates who’ve seen him, they’ve all hit him in the mid to high .200s.

Charlie Morton

Charlie Morton is making his 2nd start after some recent time off to play a cheeky Cockney small-time crook in a Guy Ritchie movie. The change of pace did him good because he gave up only 1 run in 5+ innings whereas he’d been getting fairly tonked by everyone in the last few starts prior to this*. Bourn and Lee feast on him, while Pence has been late to the buffet table.

* Save for one start in that woeful streak, which was against the Astros.

Injury Report

Astros: Arias has been moved to the 60-day DL; Bourgeois is on the 15-day DL with no projection as to when he will return (which cannot be before 7/14 in any case); Castro is rehabbing, but there’s no point in rushing him back this year; Lyon finally went under the knife last week and is done for the year; Quintero is rehabbing in Triple-A; and Keppinger is day-to-day with nausea. He ain’t the only one.

Pirates: Infielders Alvarez (3B), Cedeno (SS), Doumit (C), Snyder (C) and Pearce (1B); pitchers Beimel, Hart, Meek and Ohlendorf; and Outfielder Tabata are all due back soon, but probably not this series. That’s a lot of players hurt but, to be fair, they’re not used to competing this late in the year.

Giveaways and Promotions

Usually by this time of year, the Pirates have given away all their functional major leaguers. Game #1 saw them giveaway Chuck Tanner Floppy Hats, but that’s it for the series. The Pirates are holding onto their treasure this year.

What’s on Limey’s Mind

Rain or lack thereof Travel Heat Cocktails London Keeping his knee bent on the downswing New Trousers Sunburn Landscaping Thermostats Laptop Bags Big Fish Red Lion Car Wash

The Red Sawks are Coming, The Red Sawks are Coming!

Posted on July 1, 2011 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

GAWD, I am so fuckin pumped. RED SAWKS! I got my tickets and I AM FUCKIN THERE. Gawd. Sawks. This is the best man, I love the fuckin SAWKS. That fuckin Reddick man, he’s fuckin great, and that fuckin Pedroia man, he’s fuckin great, and Ortiz, man, fuckin who’s your daddy? Fuckin who’s your daddy? Sawks!!!! Gawd!!! Fuckin great!!! (kudos to NeilT)

Another home game that will be more like a roadie for the ‘Stros, there will surely be louder cheers for the visitors, and more Red Sox paraphernalia branded across bald heads and beer bellies than pairs of stilletos at a stripper convention. And those Sawks fans have their own special brand of suckitude now that they have no Bambino curse to ruminate and then regurgitate with great pleasure. A piece of their being has been lost, what makes them special now? Ben Affleck? Big PortaPapi? Memories of ketchup stained socks?

Friday, July 1, Norris vs Wakefield 7:00 p.m.

Wakefield is coming off a 6 inning, 7 hit, 5 earnies appearance against the Piroots, and may represent the only friggin chance the hometown 9 have to win one versus the skipper’s former team. Only two Astros have faced Wakefield, Carlos is 9 for 24 with 2 HR, while Jason Michaels is 1-3 with 2 walks. Norris has been tagged with a 1-2 record in his last four starts, despite giving up only 5 earned runs over those games. Norris has held Adrian Gonzalez to a .000 BA, but has not faced any other Sawks in his career.

M*A*S*H* Report

Red Sox	Player	Pos	Injury	Expected Return
	Jacoby Ellsbury	CF	Illness	Doubtful for July 1 at Houston
	Daisuke Matsuzaka	SP	Elbow	60-day DL. Out for the season
	Kevin Youkilis	1B	Ankle	Probable for July 1 at Houston
	Clay Buchholz	SP	Back	15-day DL. Out until at least early July
	Carl Crawford	LF	Hamstring	15-day DL. Out until at least early July
	J.D. Drew	RF	Eye	Probable for July 1 at Houston
	Rich Hill	RP	Elbow	60-day DL. Out for the season
	Jed Lowrie	SS	Shoulder	15-day DL. Out untl at least early July

Astros	Jeff Keppinger	2B	Illness	Doubtful for July 1 vs. Boston
	Alberto Arias	RP	Shoulder	60-day DL. Out until at least late August
	Jason Bourgeois	RF	Quadriceps	15-day DL. Out until at least mid-July
	Brandon Lyon	RP	Bicep	15-day DL. Out for the season
	Humberto Quintero	C	Ankle	15-day DL. Expected to begin Triple-A rehab assignment July 1. Out until at least early July
	Jason Castro	C	Knee	15-day DL. Out until at least early September

Attempts to get Astros Fans AIS

Friday, July 1 RALLY TOWELS- not to be confused with the Rally Towlie

Saturday, July 2 Patriotic Fireworks–not to be confused with the regular Friday night fireworks the night before, all of these fireworks have been wrapped in genuine imitation copies of the Declaration of Independence.

Sunday, July 3 Brett Myers Bobblehead–When you shake the head you can hear Myers yell, “C’mon Thunderpants, hit the fuckin’ cutoff man!”

Well shit….

Why does life always throw me a curve on Series Preview days? Obviously, I am not finished with this preview, and the first pitch is scheduled for oh, about 10 minutes from now…..so I am posting this for all to read, then will continue to update it during the game……

Dickland: Rangers @ Astros Series Preview

Posted on June 28, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

Welcome, loyal readers, to my newest venture! I, Richard Justice, have pioneered into the web world once again by creating a unique sports website, unlike anything else out there.[1] As the foremost authority on Houston sports, I’ve made Dickland your one stop destination for sports and entertainment commentary that’s so edgy I can say “fuck” once or twice a week. I even brought on my best friend in the whole wide radio world, Ken Hoffman, to give me some credibility with people who find don’t know that The Blind Side was a book first, and who still think Dave Barry is funny and relevant.[2] It’s here that you’ll get your fix of my unique, unequivocal perspective on Houston’s favorite baseball team: the Texas Rangers.

Yes, I love the Rangers. I’ve always loved them, even though I’ll hate them tomorrow. I love them so much, I’m going to hang Nolan Ryan’s shirt on my wall. Not his jersey, one of those golf polos he wears to games now. I deliberately spilled some Diet Coke on his shirt in Arlington a couple weeks ago, and then just stole the damned thing right off him.[3] It’s going to hang in my living room, next to the blue dress I wore when Vince Young and I played a little game of President Clinton.

No team is better run than the Rangers, even though people are starting to realize that Nolan’s kind of a stubborn asshole, and they’ve only really had success for about 3 years. They’re a dynasty, all right. NO ONE DENIES THIS! I bet Uncle Drayton wishes he could have the kind of success that Nolan’s had in Arlington[4]: from last place to losing the World Series? You think Drayton could do that? And the Rangers have this DH thing that is just incredible. Just wait until the Astros are in the AL West and can finally drink deeply from the Fountain of Fat Ass Sluggers Who Can’t Field.

Let me tell you about Taylor Jungmann. Wait, let me tell you about how great George Springer will be. No, let me pretend to know a gat-damn thing about player development. You know, when I was at UT, when the coeds were pretty and the summers were long, I developed a way to make tangents seem like actually deliberate narrative decisions.

What I do know is this: when the Rangers come to Minute Maid Park this week, there will be one fan who will leave happy. That’s right. Me. Because whichever team wins, I’ll say I was rooting for them. And whoever loses, I can still insert myself into the story. The rest of you lousy fucks can just scrape around, clinging to your loyalty to this bunch of losers. If you keep reading this tripe, I might finally be able to afford hair plugs.

Probable Pitchers

Tuesday, June 28th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

C.J. Wilson (7-3, 3.17) v. Jordan Lyles (0-2, 4.20)

*Takes of Justice mask* Okay, that was painful. The real hometown team hits Wilson pretty well, to the tune of .389 collectively. Bourgey and Bourney hit him well, so hopefully we can tag him early and often.

Lyles is still looking for his first win. At this point, he’ll have to go the distance to get a W, because the fucking bullpen ain’t helping.

Wednesday, June 29th

7:05 CST, MMPUS

Colby Lewis (6-7, 4.44) v. Brett Myers (3-6, 4.65)

The battle of the over 4 ERA’s! Oooh. Plus, Lewis looks like Jason Sudekis getting a prostate exam. And he’s pretty lights out against the ‘stros, except for Michaels and Johnson, which would be great if this were 2010. Michael Young, Josh Hamilton and Nelson Cruz are pretty unconscious against Myers, but everyone else sucks. Which would be great if that weren’t the heart of the lineup.

Thursday, June 30th

7:05 CST, MMPUS

Matt Harrison (6-6, 3.00) v. Wandy Rodriguez (5-4, 3.21)

In one appearance against the Astros, the pube-chinned Harrison got a Caballo homer for his trouble, and Bourn was 50/50 against him. Wandy looks to bounce back into good form after getting shellacked by Tampa. Kinsler, Hamilton, and Murphy are all over .500 against him, but almost everyone else is sub-.200, so it’s hot or cold with Eny.

Injuries

Astros:

Alberto Arias: currently the most productive member of the bullpen.

Jason Castro: rocking Billy Reid in those Astros Wives pics. Yeah, I noticed his date too. But it is a nice shirt.

Brandon Lyon: Poking around Dr. James Andrews, hoping for a handout.

Humberto Quintero: Limited baseball activities. Like what? Throwing, but not catching? Vice versa?

J.R. Towles: impaled by a rodeo bull. Day-to-day.

Rangers:

Elvis Andrus: sprained wrist. I can’t do another batch of jack-off jokes. So let’s just say that he died on the crapper.

Omar Beltre: That’s right! THE Omar Beltre. Back surgery.

Scott Feldman: Knee surgery. And he sounds like the bullied kid from every After School Special ever.

Tommy Hunter: Grade 1 groin sprain. I’m just reading what it says. Is Grade 1 worse or better than Grade 2? Is this like golf, but without the white balls?

Mike Napoli: Strained oblique.

Darren O’Day: Torn labrum. Pitched on consecutive days. Congrats, Darren! I went to work on consecutive days, too!

Mason Tobin: Out for season. Also has a name like a terrorist on 24.

Brandon Webb: wait, Brandon Webb is hurt?!? Stop the presses.

Promotions!

Tuesday: Lone Star Series t-shirt. It’s shit colored. Of course.

What To Watch For:

The merciful embrace of death.

Also, we finally moved into our house today. After going 0-3 with contractors (dumb excuse, rain out, Comcast), work is finally getting done and the furniture is being shuffled about. It’s a little weird to think that I probably won’t rent a place again until I’m in some retirement home. I’d ponder this more deeply, but I was up late last night packing and I’m not sure I can type another wahptiupaituapiyhpreyhauiyfhkajwehtpa8944444444449y

TALK ABOUT IT IN THE GAME ZONE!

[1] If you haven’t seen Grantland.com, none of this is going to be funny. Just skip to the probable pitchers.

[2] I mean, isn’t Chuck Klosterman basically Dave Barry with a good weed hookup?

[3] It helped that I put cattle tranquilizer in the Diet Coke.

[4] I have to have one footnote per paragraph.

Astros at Rangers – Again with the Stupid Boot

Posted on June 20, 2011 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

Boy, the dog days have settled in and we’re only halfway through June. This swoon feels almost Cub-like, though without so much delusion. But hey, I know what will drag this team out of the doldrums – two weeks playing against the American League! Yeah, that’s just the thing.

And now there’s even this bullshit talk about moving the Astros to the AL? Seriously? If you can’t trade Carlos Lee to a team that needs a DH, I guess you can just trade the team to the league with the DH. It’s like Lee’s contract has become such a drag on the team, that’s it’s formed it’s own weight and mass and is developing a gravity well.

So anyway, the Astros have the worst record in baseball and the Rangers are leading their division for now. Plus you know the Dallas area is just so proud of itself after the Mavs won their title, that a giant forcefield of Metroplex Smug will be enveloping the city. I’ve smelled it before – it’s like a film of oilfield grease under a thick layer of Mary Kay makeup.

Oh, and there are red flag fire warnings all over the state, so it will be hot and smoky and windy, plus the air temperature will be hotter than the devil’s balls. So nope, I’m not making the trip to Dallas, not even for a Nelson Cruz bobblehead. I’ve always hated Dallas, and I think right now I’d hate it even more.

Rangers Ballpark

Monday, June 20, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, June 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, June 22, 7:05 p.m. CDT

Now that the Rangers and Astros are playing each other, Fox Sports Southwest shouldn’t have any trouble getting an HD camera crew to the games, right? Because maybe it’s just me, but it seems like the HD broadcasts are getting less frequent, not more.

Notable giveaways

Monday – A Nelson Cruz Walk-Off Bobblehead, with Cruz supposedly calling his shot. I think he’s just pointing to where the wildfire is coming from, before wisely evacuating.

Tuesday – Reliant Energy Sunglasses. Can’t argue with cheap sunglasses, unless they look like shit or something.

Wednesday – the usual cheap food and shit

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
J.A. Happ (3-8, 4.95) v. Derek Holland (5-2, 4.78)
Happ hasn’t won a game since mid-May. He’s never seen the Rangers, though he’s pitched to Torrealba and Chavez who are a combined 0-for-5 against him.

Holland is 2-0 in six starts at home this year but hasn’t won there since late April. He has faced the Astros once but that was a couple of years ago. Michael Bourn is 2-for-3 against him.

Tuesday
Jordan Lyles (0-2, 4.30) v. C.J. Wilson (7-3, 3.03)
Lyles gets his first start against future division rival Texas. He’s still looking for his first career win, so a nice long stretch against the American League should do the trick.

Wilson is 2-1 against the Astros is several starts and relief appearances. Carlos Lee is 4-for-8 against him, and Jason Michaels is 4-for-9 with a single, a double, a triple, and a homer.

Wednesday
Brett Myers (3-6, 4.75) v. Colby Lewis (6-7, 4.80)
Myers has seen a few of the Rangers before and none of them have had much success. Ian Kinsler is 2-for-2 with a homer, and Adrian Beltre has a homer but is 2-for-14 overall against Myers. Endy Chavez is only 2-for-17 against him.

Lewis had a win and a loss against the Astros last season. Carlos Lee is 4-for-13 against Lewis but nobody else has more than a double off him.

Injury Report
Houston – In addition to the regulars, now Hunter Pence and J.R. Towles are banged up and questionable for this series. And in a rare break from tradition, but with a nod to reality, the Astros have decided to list Hunter Pences’ injuries separately by body part. For example, his heart and enthusiasm will always be listed as “probable,” while his head and arm will always be “questionable.”

Texas – Three relievers and three starters are on the DL, plus Mike Napoli is out until later this month.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

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