I know it’s poor form to post a Series Preview two days before the series actually starts, but that’s just how excited I am to cover the Astros vs the um…the umm…wait, don’t tell me, I know it…Nationals!  Yay!  Thanks, so much, Limey, for passing this one off to me.

In case you’re wondering, Dear Reader, where the ol’ boy has gotten off to, well, he’s probably been getting bladdered on mother’s ruin with a couple of birds and blokes in Jolly Ol’. Just don’t do anything stupid, Limey.  We don’t want you on the cover of The Sun like last time, do we?

I read the News today, oh boy...

So…here we are.  Astros vs Nationals, huh?  Let’s see, apparently the Nats have some phenom pitcher named Stravinsky or something.  He’s the real deal, let me tell you.  He came back last week  after, like, three or four broken arms, and he threw a no-hitter against the Yankees.  The Astros don’t stand a chance!  They’ll break that record they set of 24 strikeouts vs Carlos Zambrano – nobody will come close to hitting him!

Sigh….

Ok, so here’s the stark truth.  The Astros have 95 losses.  95.  There are 19 games left.  How’d they ever win 162-minus-19-minus-95?

Bud and his band of merry  buffoons keep Crane on the fence, and a move to the AL West is slowly fading into view.  Apparently Baylor is the holdup.

The young bucks continue to impress in their own little ways, and Paredes looks to be quite the player, according to chuck and Mr. Happy.  Don’t ask me, I don’t watch.

The Nationals are also firmly out of contention, as is almost every team not currently in playoff positions.  If only both leagues had an even number of teams, then it’d be more fair and balanced.

And that’s about it, really.  19 more games to watch the Home 9 before they pack it up for The Void.  That’s a good reason to watch baseball.  There’s a better one below.

Probables

Friday, September 9, 2011, 6:05pm, Our Nation’s Capital

Bud Norris (6-9, 3.83) vs Tom Milone (0-0, 8.31)

Saturday, September 10, 2011. 6:05pm, Washington Monument

Wandy Rodriguez (10-10, 3.47) vs John Lannon (9-11, 3.48)

Sunday, September 11, 2011, 12:35pm, The Pentagon

Henry Sosa (2-3, 4.11) vs Stephen Strasburg (0-0, 0.00)

Promotions

Friday – Same shit we see at MMPUS.  Also, no fireworks.

Saturday – Danny Espinosa Bobblehead, let’s hope he’s right handed.

Sunday – Kids Run the Bases, and….

The 10 Year Anniversary of 9/11

I don’t pay much attention to politics.  In fact, I don’t pay any attention at all.  I reason that I have too much on my plate as is, or that I’m not an argumentative guy by nature or that nothing I do or think will affect any outcome, good or bad.  Some of those reasons are valid, some not.  The bottom line is: it’s too fucking tiresome.  Any sensible arguments commonly make way for idiots with gigantic megaphones, shedding fact and logic for absurdity and a color-by-numbers ethos.  Then new people get elected and the megaphones change sides.

Maybe it’s the 24-hour media outlets or the shlubs they hire to blur the line between “Expert” and “Mouthpiece.”  Maybe that’s how it’s always been.  Maybe I just haven’t gotten to the chocolate center, choosing only to avoid on the dung-flavored candy that surrounds it.  I don’t know.  But you know what?  If I want to be yelled at or lectured to, I’ll turn the fucking TV off when I’m at home.

Ten years ago this Sunday, nearly 3,000 Americans lost their lives in a cowardly act of terrorism.  2,977 men, women and children who just wanted to live their lives another day and go home.  For such a mundane goal to end in such a terrifying way, for every dream vanished and memory forgotten, to be soiled by blathering politicians and pundits competing in a measuring test in which every single one of them has a one-inch dick –  well it just really pisses me off.

We have sons and daughters and brothers and sisters at war.  We have veterans struggling at home.  There are many for whom life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is a distant memory, a visage of the past.  We have more pressing matters.

So for them, for the 3,000 who died ten years ago and the countless others who perished in the wars since, I will salute in the most American way I know how.

I will watch baseball.

We all should.

So I’m guessing this season marks the low point in Astros history. It certainly does for me anyway. Of course all bets are off for next year too, but we can talk about that all winter. For now, this season is the ass-end of Astro history, and it comes six years after the high point.

And there’s only been one player here for the entire fall from the top to the bottom. Wandy. Not that I’m blaming him, mind you, I’m just saying Wandy is the only guy who was there for the World Series and somehow stuck around for the entire downhill run. And hell, even Wandy might be gone by the time you read this.

It’s hard to believe we’ve been watching Wandy’s stone-like babyface for that long – so long that now Old Man Wandy sort of looks like a cross between a cherub and Frankenstein, but with less expression.

When he first came up, the Astros had a rotation that included Oswalt, Clemens, Pettitte … and a rookie named Wandy? What the fuck? And even though we quickly learned how he’d get flustered and have a shitty inning, after a while seeing Wandy’s name in the rotation was sort of comforting. At least he had a familiar face, though thankfully not as familiar as Ezequiel Astacio’s.

Of course Wandy will never be mentioned among the great pitching names of the franchise – Scott, Neikro, Dierker, Richard, Oswalt … no, Wandy doesn’t quite fit there. But, he did pitch more innings for the Astros in the World Series (as a rookie) than Roger Clemens did. And right now Wandy is tied with Darryl Kile at #12 on the Astros’ all-time wins list. He’s #10 on the strikeouts list and #10 in the number of games started.

He’s certainly not one of the greatest Astros pitchers ever, but he’s been a loyal workhorse for a number of years now, and I’m hoping he’s still around next year. So this one’s for Eny, however fucking old he is.

AT&T Park

Thursday, August 25, 9:15 p.m. CDT
Friday, August 26, 9:15 p.m. CDT
Saturday, August 27, 8:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, August 28, 3:05 p.m. CDT

Well here we go with another round of late-ass West Coast games, and it’s a four-game series at that. But who am I kidding, it’s not like I was going to be staying up for these anyway. Like most of the games this season, the game will be on in the background for a while, and then I’ll probably turn it off at some point … probably when the bullpen gives up the lead.

Notable giveaways

Saturday – Tim Lincecum bobblehead. Hairnet optional.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Thursday

Henry Sosa (0-2, 6.35) v. Ryan Vogelsong (10-3, 2.47)

The Astros sent Jordan Lyles down to protect his arm, which meant the rotation had to be reshuffled. Sosa drew the short stick and will have to go on three days’ rest. He just pitched against the Giants on Sunday, for fuck’s sake, and gave up four runs in five innings. Brandon Belt went 2-for-2 with a homer off him.

Vogelsong is second in the league in ERA. He’s tough at home, going 6-2 with an ERA of 1.82, and he’s only allowed three homers at AT&T this season. He has a 2-1 career record against the Astros, but lost to the good guys a week ago. The Astros only bat .226 against him, though Corporan is 2-for-2.

Friday
J.A. Happ (4-14, 6.26) v. Madison Bumgarner (7-12, 3.68)

Happ got recalled from Oklahoma City to take Lyles’s spot in the rotation. (Now there’s a sentence you wouldn’t have expected before the season started.) No one on the Giants has seen much of Happ, though Beltran has two homers off him. Rowand and Ross each have one.

Bumgarner has only faced the Astros once, and that was last Saturday when he gave up four runs in one inning. He’s been especially susceptible to the big inning this year. Jose Altuve had the inside-the-park homer against him, and J.D. Martinez knocked one out. Carlos Lee is 2-for-3 against him.

Saturday
Brett Myers (3-13, 4.95) v. TBA

Pretty much everyone on the Giants has hit Myers well, especially DeRosa (7-for-16), Beltran (12-for-38, four doubles and a homer), and Tejada (6-for-12, two doubles and a homer). Kepp has two homers off him, and Ross, Rowand, and Torres each have one.

The Astros’ website lists the Giants’ starter as TBA, but ESPN says it will be Dan Runzler. He’s mainly pitched out of the bullpen but made his first start Sunday against Houston. He lasted less than two innings and gave up four earned runs.

Sunday
Bud Norris (6-8, 3.73) v. Matt Cain (10-9, 2.90)

Norris has never faced the Giants, though four of their players have seen him. Beltran is 4-for-9 with three doubles, Cabrera is 3-for-6 (but you already knew that), and Ross is 3-for-7. DeRosa is 0-for-5.

Cain is 1-3 against the Astros with an ERA north of 5. However, those stats are pretty suspect because only four current Astros have batted against Cain, and two of them are Castro and Towles. The good news is that Carlos Lee is 6-for-13 with two doubles and a homer off Cain. The bad news is that Barmes is 1-for-18.

Injury Report

Houston – All the usual suspects. Enerio Del Rosario is beginning a rehab assignment.

San Francisco – Damn, the Jints are pretty banged up. Posey is busted and out for the season, as is Dirty Freddy Sanchez. The Giants picked up Carlos Beltran at the trading deadline but of course he’s already hurt too. Pat Burrell is on a rehab assignment, and Andres Torres is finishing a rehab stint and should be back for this series. Eli Whiteside should also be back for this series, whoever he is. Sergio Romo has an elbow thing but should be quarterbacking for the Cowboys by the start of the regular season. Johnathon Sanchez is also on the DL, as is Barry Zito. Brian Wilson and his ridiculous soup-strainer are also on the DL.

Discuss tonight’s late-ass game in the Gamezone.

To be honest, phoning this one in seemed like more work than just writing some crap, so I chose the latter.  It’s the dreaded Friday afternoon preview that is read by ones of you, so it’s not like anyone will care one way or the other.

Your new look Astros t-ball roster is continuing this season’s efforts by drifting along a about a .300 clip.  They are on a winning streak (of 2) right now, so there is that.  They have also reached the 40-win threshold…about a month later than the second-to-last team to do that.  This projects out to a 52-110 record – which would put the Astros just outside the top 25 on Wikipedia’s list of worst regular season record’s in MLB – behind the 2004 D-Bags at 51-111.

That’s what we’re shooting for, folks: to stay off the list that even the nerds who contribute to Wikipedia could not be bothered to research past 25 teams.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, 7:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Saturday, 6:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Sunday, 1:05pm CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV

Probable Match-Ups

Game #1:  Ryan Vogelsong (10-2, 2.47) vs. Wandy Rodriguez (8-9, 3.50)

“Vogelsong” is actually Dutch-Irish for “Winklevoss”, which is Islamo-Swedish for “silver spoon cry-baby”.  He sports a soul patch, which has never really been cool, and smokes the Astros.  I’m not even going to bother with pitcher vs. hitter commentary because: (a) it would be a terrible misnomer; and (2) there are members of as yet undiscovered tribes in Papua New Guinea who have more at-bats against this Astros’ roster than most major league pitchers.

Is it me, or is Wandy looking a little tubby these days?  Whether he does or not, his ERA has been getting a little extra around the middle, as he struggles to stay within striking distance of .500.   1-2 in his last 3 starts at 3.71, which is both the same and worse than his career against the Giants of 1-2, 5.71.  Only Orlando Cabrera has any trouble (and if he’s been traded to the Braves without me knowing I don’t care), while everyone else sees Wandy as fat as I do.

Game #2: Madison Bumgarner (7-11, 3.49) vs. Jordan Lyles (1-7, 5.31)

“Madison Bumgarner” is Franco-Swahili for “chick who parks it in the rear on the internet”.  Jeez his parents must’ve really hated him.  God hates him too, apprently, because he’s a lefty, playing on the defending WS Champs, has a better ERA than our Wandy and a worse win-loss record.  Normally I would assume that anyone suffering as much unnecessary adversity as this guy would be a shoe-in for a set of wings, but I think he’s going to be fucked there too.  Just look at his bank account!  Eh?  Oh.

Lyles

Jordan Lyles head shot looks like he’s either: (i) watching two girls, one cup; or (b) getting Franco-Swahili lessons from his mound opponent.  If (b), I’m guessing that he’s somehow reminded of he recent starts.  Which have been like getting fucked in the arse (I got bored with innuendo which is both a damning indictment of this season, and itself innuendo*).  He’s never faced the Giants.

* An Italian suppository.

Game #3:  TBA (not bad, decent) vs. TBA (holy fuck, where’s my mummy)

Astros lose.

Injury Report

Astros:  Arias, Castro, del Rosario, Lyon and Schafer.  As if any of that matters.

Giants:  Carlos Beltran has just hit the 15-day DL with a sore right hand.  So many choices here, but I’m going to go with “I didn’t know his contract was up for renegotiation”.  Jeff Keppinger is day-to-day with a sore wrist – but he gets a pass on the masturbation jokes because he’s Jeff Fucking Keppinger.  Pat Burrell has a bone spur in his right foot.  Not by accident – he’s been growing it especially for Beltran who likes how it feels in his anus.  Buster Posey is still recovering from GBH.  Further masturbatory injuries (all true) include:  Sergio Romo (sore right elbow); Freddy Sanchez (dislocated right shoulder); Brian Wilson (inflamed right elbow); and Barry Zito (right foot and ankle sprain).  And if you’ve never sprained your right foot and ankle masturbating, you’re doing it wrong.  Right Alkie?

Giveaways and Promotions

Wait, I’m not done with the Giants injury report.  Aaron Rowand (strained left side) and Andres Torres (leg contusion).  Both from masturbating.  Each other.

Hideous

Giveaways and Promotions (The New Beginninging)

Friday:  10,000 examples of this hideous umbrella – perfect for our rain-soaked city – most of which will go unclaimed, or end up in the lower intestine of a San Francisco Giant.  Also fireworks after the game and that Coca Cola Value deal thingy.

Saturday:  10,000 “Los Astros” t-shirts, which are way too easy to convert to “Last Astros”, or “Lost Astros” or just simply “Lastros”.  I mean, really, they are more on auto-pilot in the front office than I am writing this preview.  There will, however, be a Hispanic Street Festival – complete with Latin food and beverages, games, dancers, an exciting selection of live music, a drug war and donkey sex show.  Well, there was at the last Hispanic Street Festival I attended.

Sunday:  10,000 Astros kids tees, kids run the bases (isn’t that normal for the Astros now?) and the Coca Blala Blavue Blay.

What’s On Limey’s Mind

My passport.  I sent my old one in for renewal, and they sent me someone else’s in return.  Doesn’t even look like me.  How the fuck does this happen?   Who the fuck has my passport?  Are they seriously going to charge me $157 for the emergency travel document I need next week because they lost my passport?

At least I now know what sparked the riots, because there’s an Embassy in Washington that I want to raze to the ground.

That’s right.  We suck.  Get it out of your system, assholes.  We have the worst record in all of MLB.  Not a single Astros farm team has a winning record, either.  Go ahead – name our best player.  Better yet – just name two players.  Didn’t think you could.  The Astros suck and there’s not a damn thing that’s going to change that in the near future.

You know why this doesn’t bother me?  Because even though the Astros suck, I’m still not a fucking Cubs fan.  And I can fall fast asleep each night knowing that.

This Astros team is putting together a historically bad season, but you have a historically bad TEAM.  See the difference?  I go to games to watch baseball – you go to get slobbering drunk, just to find the courage to hit on the three-toothed diner hag sitting in the two seats next to you.  My team’s greens crew knows how to keep the weeds from climbing the outfield walls – something that IMPROVES your stadium.  Only the idiots at Astros games throw back homerun balls – EVERYBODY at Wrigley throws them back.

I don’t worship the seventh inning stretch, either.  Sure, my ears bleed every time I hear Deep in the Heart of Texas, but at least I don’t have to endure fucking Snooki or Trump or whoever passes as someone of importance in your puny little minds butchering an already tired song.

And finally, but most importantly, I’m not a loser, lovable or otherwise.

Enjoy being second to last this year.  I’m sure you’re used to it by now.

Cubs @ Astros Preview

All You Care About Is What Time the Games Start and Who Is Pitching

Monday 7:05pm, MMPUS

Rodrigo Lopez (3-3, 4.78) vs Henry Sosa (0-1, 6.00)

Tuesday 7:05pm, MMPUS

Ryan Dumpster (10-8), 4.70) vs Brett Myers (3-12, 4.71)

Wednesday 1:05pm, MMPUS

Casey Coleman (2-4, 7.23) vs TBD (0-0, 0.00)

Promotions

Basically every game is like $5 now.

Injuries

Arias, Castro and Lyon get to ignore the rest of the season.  Del Rosario might come back in September.  Shafer is due at the end of the week.

Cashner, Mateo and Schlitter are out for awhile.  Zambrano (sandy vagina) is out for his career.

News & Notes

Sorry for the short post, hopefully JaneDoe can fill in a few blanks from her recent trip to Chicago soon.

Oh, and FUCK THE CUBS!