To be honest, phoning this one in seemed like more work than just writing some crap, so I chose the latter. It’s the dreaded Friday afternoon preview that is read by ones of you, so it’s not like anyone will care one way or the other.
Your new look Astros t-ball roster is continuing this season’s efforts by drifting along a about a .300 clip. They are on a winning streak (of 2) right now, so there is that. They have also reached the 40-win threshold…about a month later than the second-to-last team to do that. This projects out to a 52-110 record – which would put the Astros just outside the top 25 on Wikipedia’s list of worst regular season record’s in MLB – behind the 2004 D-Bags at 51-111.
That’s what we’re shooting for, folks: to stay off the list that even the nerds who contribute to Wikipedia could not be bothered to research past 25 teams.
Minute Maid Park
Friday, 7:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Saturday, 6:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Sunday, 1:05pm CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Probable Match-Ups
Game #1: Ryan Vogelsong (10-2, 2.47) vs. Wandy Rodriguez (8-9, 3.50)
“Vogelsong” is actually Dutch-Irish for “Winklevoss”, which is Islamo-Swedish for “silver spoon cry-baby”. He sports a soul patch, which has never really been cool, and smokes the Astros. I’m not even going to bother with pitcher vs. hitter commentary because: (a) it would be a terrible misnomer; and (2) there are members of as yet undiscovered tribes in Papua New Guinea who have more at-bats against this Astros’ roster than most major league pitchers.
Is it me, or is Wandy looking a little tubby these days? Whether he does or not, his ERA has been getting a little extra around the middle, as he struggles to stay within striking distance of .500. 1-2 in his last 3 starts at 3.71, which is both the same and worse than his career against the Giants of 1-2, 5.71. Only Orlando Cabrera has any trouble (and if he’s been traded to the Braves without me knowing I don’t care), while everyone else sees Wandy as fat as I do.
Game #2: Madison Bumgarner (7-11, 3.49) vs. Jordan Lyles (1-7, 5.31)
“Madison Bumgarner” is Franco-Swahili for “chick who parks it in the rear on the internet”. Jeez his parents must’ve really hated him. God hates him too, apprently, because he’s a lefty, playing on the defending WS Champs, has a better ERA than our Wandy and a worse win-loss record. Normally I would assume that anyone suffering as much unnecessary adversity as this guy would be a shoe-in for a set of wings, but I think he’s going to be fucked there too. Just look at his bank account! Eh? Oh.
Lyles
Jordan Lyles head shot looks like he’s either: (i) watching two girls, one cup; or (b) getting Franco-Swahili lessons from his mound opponent. If (b), I’m guessing that he’s somehow reminded of he recent starts. Which have been like getting fucked in the arse (I got bored with innuendo which is both a damning indictment of this season, and itself innuendo*). He’s never faced the Giants.
* An Italian suppository.
Game #3: TBA (not bad, decent) vs. TBA (holy fuck, where’s my mummy)
Astros lose.
Injury Report
Astros: Arias, Castro, del Rosario, Lyon and Schafer. As if any of that matters.
Giants: Carlos Beltran has just hit the 15-day DL with a sore right hand. So many choices here, but I’m going to go with “I didn’t know his contract was up for renegotiation”. Jeff Keppinger is day-to-day with a sore wrist – but he gets a pass on the masturbation jokes because he’s Jeff Fucking Keppinger. Pat Burrell has a bone spur in his right foot. Not by accident – he’s been growing it especially for Beltran who likes how it feels in his anus. Buster Posey is still recovering from GBH. Further masturbatory injuries (all true) include: Sergio Romo (sore right elbow); Freddy Sanchez (dislocated right shoulder); Brian Wilson (inflamed right elbow); and Barry Zito (right foot and ankle sprain). And if you’ve never sprained your right foot and ankle masturbating, you’re doing it wrong. Right Alkie?
Giveaways and Promotions
Wait, I’m not done with the Giants injury report. Aaron Rowand (strained left side) and Andres Torres (leg contusion). Both from masturbating. Each other.
Hideous
Giveaways and Promotions (The New Beginninging)
Friday: 10,000 examples of this hideous umbrella – perfect for our rain-soaked city – most of which will go unclaimed, or end up in the lower intestine of a San Francisco Giant. Also fireworks after the game and that Coca Cola Value deal thingy.
Saturday: 10,000 “Los Astros” t-shirts, which are way too easy to convert to “Last Astros”, or “Lost Astros” or just simply “Lastros”. I mean, really, they are more on auto-pilot in the front office than I am writing this preview. There will, however, be a Hispanic Street Festival – complete with Latin food and beverages, games, dancers, an exciting selection of live music, a drug war and donkey sex show. Well, there was at the last Hispanic Street Festival I attended.
Sunday: 10,000 Astros kids tees, kids run the bases (isn’t that normal for the Astros now?) and the Coca Blala Blavue Blay.
What’s On Limey’s Mind
My passport. I sent my old one in for renewal, and they sent me someone else’s in return. Doesn’t even look like me. How the fuck does this happen? Who the fuck has my passport? Are they seriously going to charge me $157 for the emergency travel document I need next week because they lost my passport?
At least I now know what sparked the riots, because there’s an Embassy in Washington that I want to raze to the ground.