Night of the Living Dead: Astros @ Dodgers Series Preview

Posted on August 12, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

Like two skydivers without secondary chutes, two teams are meeting on the way down. Their problems are unique: one is shedding the best owner it’s ever had in a cloud of acrimony and budget-slashing, while the other has an owner whose end of ownership trials includes an actual trial, with hookers and everything. So here’s your visual preview of the series:

Live from the Chavez Ravine!

Like everybody else, I’m enjoying watching the kids play, which makes the presence of hacks like Fulchino and Abad all the more infuriating. I wish we had Bullpen Tinkerer Ed Wade back.

I stared at the blank screen for an hour before I could force myself to starting writing this preview.

Also, how quick before they paste J.D. Martinez’s face on one of the old Hunter Pence banners outside MMPUS?

If this seems scattershot, that’s because it is.

How many runs/wins better is Jordan Lyles if we cloned Barmes and installed him at all the infield positions?

I’m 3 for 4 as a mentor. So far. And it’s breaking my heart. I saw the fourth kid for what will likely be the last time in a long time at Sunday’s game. I can’t stop thinking about that game, the island in the sea of sadness and hurt and fucked up shit in his life.

That’s what every game should be. And what no game should have to be.

Screw it. Let’s stay up late and watch baseball.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, August 12th

9:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Bud Norris (5-8, 3.73) v. Nathan Eovaldi (1-0, 3.60)

Bud’s put together a solid season, certainly better than the numbers indicate. MLB.com tells us that he pitched six scoreless against the Dodgers, which probably means that (/goes to check) the bullpen blew it. Yup. 1-0 loss. Fuckers. Anyway, Eithier, Kemp and Blake are the only hitters who are doing well against him. Which sucks, since they’re like the backbone of the Bums right now.

We’ve never seen Nathan Eovaldi before. Ahem.

Saturday, August 13th

9:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Wandy Rodriguez (8-8, 3.52) v. Clayton Kershaw (13-5, 2.79)

Wandy is giving national sportswriters aneurysms right now; they can’t decide whether to castigate Wade for signing him to such an “exorbitant” contract, or for not finding a trade partner before the deadline. Fuckers. Only Juan Rivera, Blake, and Tony Gwynn The 2nd hit him over .300.

Kershaw’s putting up another solid season. The good news is that Carlos hits .400 with a homer against him. The bad news is that the only homer that Carlos will see on Saturday is Vin Scully.

Sunday, August 14th

3:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Jordan Lyles (1-6, 4.88) v. Hiroki Kuroda (7-14, 3.01)

Lyles hasn’t faced L.A. before, so hopefully he shakes the Arizona sand out of his ass and whoops them.

Kuroda’s record is so out of whack with his ERA that you’d figure he was one of our starters. Jokes! Sanchez and Q hit .500 against him, and Carlos has .294 going for him. Everyone else was still nursing the last time the Astros played the Dodgers.

Injuries

Astros:

Castro, Arias, Lyon: Duh.

Del Rosario: Working out in Houston. Aren’t we all, man?

Jordan Schafer: Starting rehab next week.

Dodgers:

Johnathan Broxton: Bone spurs. Ouch.

Rubby De La Rosa: let’s reflect on this guy’s name. If his “date of birth” is also the same day that a DeLorean was seen in the parking lot of Lone Pine Mall, I think we have only one conclusion to draw: a Cuban League player killed Marty McFly.

Jon Garland: Of course he’s on the DL. He’s so on the DL, he’s having sex with Will Smith.

Dee Gordan: day to day. Crashing with Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv in the meantime.

Kenley Jansen: Sounds like a Kinkaid lacrosse player, right? Nope. He’s just a dark-skinned guy with an irregular heartbeat.

Vicente Padilla: apparently still exists. Out for the season with a stiff neck.

Juan Uribe: Left hip strain. That happens when you’re sixty. Because Juan Uribe is old.

Prrrrrromotions!

Friday: Fireworks! Is there an Angeleno version of Pam Gardner? Apparently so.

Saturday: Hong-Chih Kuo Poster, brought to you by the Taiwan Tourism Board. Come for the pitchers, stay for the possible attack from the mainland!

Sunday: Kids backpack. All the hipster scriptwriters are going to wear them ironically.

What to Watch For:

The kids. Duh.

Sorry for being dark.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

Expect the Worst, Hope for the Best

Posted on August 8, 2011 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

Everybody seems to wonder what it’s like down here

I gotta get away from this day-to-day running around,

Everybody knows this is nowhere.

My friends. My parents. My wife. Co-workers. Cousins. Collection agents. All of them, without exception, ask me the same question: Why do you keep watching this awful team? It’s a difficult question to answer, if you try to be honest. They expect the “I’ve always been an Astros fan” or “It’s still baseball” quips, but in truth it’s not all that. It can’t be. They really want to know what it’s like to follow such a historically inept team. Because they all jumped ship April 2^nd.

The honest answer? It sucks. Big, hairy, sweaty, smelly, steamy, pimply donkey balls. What was once a nightly source of pride and excitement is now a black hole of disappointment and frustration. Even worse – I now expect the Astros to lose each and every game they play. And I’m right 68% of the time. It’s like throwing a heavy object in the air and saying aloud, “that will come down.” It’s neither prescient nor impressive. It just sucks.

The bullpen could implode. The offense could disappear. JA Happ could pitch. It’s the same shit, different pile. But if you stare at that steaming pile of shit long enough, look past the undigested corn bits and beer snakes, you’ll see something else. Hope.

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Hope is all around, actually. There’s the hope you see in the field and in the batter’s box. Hope on the faces of the rookies who get called up unexpectedly. Hope in the new owner, his new management team. Hope that Pam won’t cock-block a legitimate baseball transaction. And the hope that these trades, these rookies, these fresh faces all pan out.

I know that by the time the Astros are in contention again my son will be watching alongside me, cheering for his team. I’m happy that his first jersey won’t have “Pence” stitched on the back. Instead, it’ll be Altuve or Singleton or Springer. A Cosart bobblehead. A Folty poster. A Wallace cheese grater.

When that happens, and it will dammit, I’ll be able to point back at the garbage-pail kids who played in the 2011 season and smile. And I’ll be able to talk about it with you idiots. We watched when the outcomes were predetermined. When excitement came from trading away the team’s best players. When youthful mishaps and errant base-running were discarded as aggressive play, growth pains. We were there for rock bottom. And we still watched.

The Astros, a team that crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. The Astros, headed for the Playoffs.

In 2015.

Astros vs Diamondbacks

The Diamondbacks are doing their best to keep pace with Jeff Keppinger and the Giants. They sit just a half game back in the standings, and you know they’re keying in on this series to take a step up.

Projected Starters

Monday, 8:40pm, Poolside

Wandy Rodriguez (7-8, 3.69) vs. Daniel Hudson (11-7, 3.67)

Hudson is coming off an eight-inning, one-run outing vs Lincecum and the Giants last Tuesday, and he’s one of the bright young pitchers that’s emerged in MLB in the past year or so. He’s had limited exposure to the current Astros lineup, which doesn’t say much. He hasn’t pitched in the Texas League this year, so what can you expect? Of the few who have seen him, Angel leads the way with a 2/3 1 RBI performance. Carlos is the biggest goat at 1/6.

I can’t say much about Wandy that you don’t already know. He’s every bit as good of a pitcher as Hudson, but at this point he’s bringing a sciv to a nuclear war.

Tuesday, 8:40pm, Dry Heat

Jordan Lyles (1-6, 4.36) vs Jason Marquis (8-6, 4.33)

Marquis looks like a douch-ier Mark Cuban. He was a National until last week, and he celebrated joining a contending team by allowing seven runs in four innings last Wednesday. Current Astros hit him pretty well, with Carlos (.405, 4 hr, 13 rbi) and JasonM (.615, 1 hr, 4 RBI) paving the way. Barmes (0-11) and Angel (1-6) couldn’t hit a broad side of a black barn.

Lyles is fresh off of his first MLB win. The only Diamondback he’s faced is Jason Marquis, who’s 0-3. Process of elimination tells me Lyles still took the loss.

Wednesday, 8:40pm, Bullshit Time Zone

Brett Myers (3-12, 4.76) vs. Josh Collmenter (6-7, 3.58)

The Dodgers whooped up on Collmenter last Friday, tagging him for six runs in 2.1 innings. He’s lost his last three and could be pitching to stay in the rotation. I bet he’ll lock down that spot this week. The Astros, collectively, have two hits against him – by guys who are now in AAA (Wallace, Happ).

If you exclude Myers’ last start vs the Brewers (6 IP, 5 ER), he’s been pitching fairly well lately (3 or fewer runs in five games). There’s still a chance he’ll get traded this year, so he may be pitching to impress a contender.

Thursday, 8:40pm, Not-So-Getaway-Day

TBD (0-0, 0.00) vs Joe Saunders (8-9, 3.61)

Saunders has been pretty salty this year. In his last 10 games, he’s allowed more than three runs once – last week vs the Dodgers (4). Carlos knocks him around pretty well (.364, 1 RBI), nobody else has many at bats.

TBD sucks.

Promotions

Not a damn thing.

Injuries

Arizona – Blum (pinky), Castillo (shoulder) and Gutierrez (shoulder) are on the 15-day. Drew is out for the year for being an asshole who hits on my friend’s wife while he’s standing beside her.

Houston – Arias and Lyon are out for the year. Castro might be back for the death rattle. Del Rosario should be back at the end of August. New Astro Jordan Schafer is due August 20.

What to Watch For

Altuve, Martinez, Lyles, Barmes, Wandy, Shuck. Or for shits and giggles.

Brewers at Astros — Phoning it in

Posted on August 5, 2011 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

My internet connection took a shit last weekend and still hasn’t recovered. A repairman is supposed to be here later today but I lnow everyone’s waiting on pins and needles to hear about how the Astros’ weekend series is shaping up, so I’m going to try to write this shit on my goddamn phone.

Don’t expect any fancy formatting or links or pictures or shit. I could probably do it my phone if I tried hard enough, but fuck it. The entire Astros team is phoning it in at this point, so I will too. Though at least I can play Angry Birds on my phone; Drayton probably scaled back the Astros’ phone system to just trac-phones and
international calling cards.

Notable giveaways
A totebag on Friday, replica jersey on Saturday, and something for the kids on Sunday called a cuddle puppy. It looks like a cross between a cheap stuffed toy and a doormat, so at least it’s an accurate depiction of this year’s Astros. Plus it has kind of a sad look on its face, like it just heard Michael Bourn got traded to the goddamn Braves.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone, unless you’re restricted to your phone like I am. In that case just use MLB At-Bat or something.

– sent from my iPhone

Brewers at Astros
Minute Maid Park
Friday, August 5 — 7:05 pm
Saturday, August 6 — 6:05 pm
Sunday, August 7 — 1:05 pm

Pitching Probables
Fuck if I know. Does it really matter? About all I could say is that Carlos Lee hit a couple dingers off this or that pitcher, and Clint Barmes hits him ok too. Dicknose Braun probably does well againsy Wandy and Myers, and probably Happ too

LET’S MAKE A DEAL

Posted on August 1, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, News, Series Previews

Cincinnati REDS (53-55) vs. Houston ASTROS (35-73)
Aug 1-3, 2011
MMPUS

THE THRILL IS GONE. The other shoe dropped on Sunday morning. After sending Hunter Pence to Philadelphia on Friday in exchange for prospects, the Houston Astros dealt fleet center fielder Michael Bourn to the Atlanta Braves Sunday morning in exchange for OF Jordan Schaefer and more prospects.Read More

drug transaction, Reds

Astros @ Cardinals–Fill in the Blank:B F i B__

Posted on July 25, 2011 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

The schedule maker really had it in for Astros fans this July, straight from a stadium crammed with barnyard animals to one overflowing with arrogant SOB’s, led by the the Grand Poobah of BFiBs himself: LaRussa, aka the Best Fudgepacker in Baseball. And of course, you can’t forget the Biggest Fink in Baseball, who leads the NL in homeruns after a “miraculous comeback of epic proportions”. Soon, Co-ard fans everywhere will be picketing Disney to make the Fink the topic of their next over-the-hill-down-and-out-ballplayer-makes-it-back-from-the depths-of-mediocrity movie. What else would you expect from the Bestest Fartsmellers in Baseball?

The Cards share the division lead with the Brewers and the Pirates going into this series. Yes, the Pirates. The midsummer classic is long gone, and the Buckos are still hanging in there. I hope they make the Buffoonest Fans in Baseball cry in their Bottles Filled in Busch (artistic license here) come this October as they head for the playoffs….but enough about the Pirates…..

Monday, July 25, 7:15 p.m. Central Happ vs McClellan

McClellan hasn’t won a game since way back in May, against the ‘Stros, and I for one would like to keep it that way.

Ol' Googly Eyes Strikes Again!

Ol’ Googly Eyes has him in his sights to make up for the epic fail in extras yesterday–FOTF is 8-16 against McClellan with only one K. If that little factoid don’t make you blink, I don’t know what will. Q is 3-6 and Barmes is 2-5 against Kyle, but everyone else just sorta shits and misses against him. Happ has been nothing but consistent lately….consistenly giving up 5 earned runs in his past four starts. Six Cards bat .333 or greater vs Happ, and none of them are named after Uranus.

Tuesday, July 26, 7:15 Central Myers vs Westbrook

The circle is now complete. Myers has successfully recreated the transformation from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in one offseason. The Fink has only 4 hits against him, but 2 were of the longball variety. Doc Holliday, the Shoemaker and the Hole of Poo all hit in the mid .300s, with a total of 7 HRs against him. Westbrook was doomed to be a Jake from birth, thanks to his momma. A couple of the hometown nine put up some gaudy numbers against him: Lee is 15 for 36 (.417), Pence is 5 for 8 (.625) and Wally is 5 for 7 (714). Bet Mills gives them all the night off…..

We take this time for a commercial break for our sponsor……….If you have a newborn, are pregnant or ever plan to conceive a little Astros fan, have we got the onesie for you……..

Show your dedication to passing down the hate from generation to generation in 4, count them FOUR beautiful colors, sure to look great on your little bundle of joy…Remember it is NEVER to early to instill your baseball values in your offspring!!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled preview……

Wednesday, July 27, 7:15 p.m. Central Norris vs Carpenter

Y’know, if my mom named me David Stefan, I’d go by Bud, too…or Bubba…or maybe even Bonzo. Whatever you call him, Norris has had particular success against the Redbirds, posting a 6-2 record with a 2.45 ERA and 47 Ks in 58.2 innings pitched. He draws Carpenter Ants who seems to only allow hits to Astros that go by letters of the alphabet (CJ and Q). Somebody grab a can of Raid…

Thursday, July 28, 7:15 p.m. Central Rodriguez vs Garcia

A dead Cardinal in the hand is worth four games in the Busch? This one could be a game of hide and not be found. Garcia has never won against the Astros, having an 0-2 record with a sporting 5.87 ERA. Wandy, well, he sucks too (5-11, 4.02 ERA). But someone has to win and if it gets to the bullpen, we have a pretty good idea how that will flush out.

Injuries, Sminjuries

Abad, Arias, Lyon, Castro. ‘Nuff said.

Wainwright hurt his elbow perfecting the doggie style with LaRussa and is out for the year. Craig (knee), Tallet (intercostal waterway and kidney beans) and Sanchez (shoulder) fell for LaRussa’s Twister Game of Douchebaggery and aren’t expected back for this series.

Promotions and Giveaways

None

Nada

Nunca

Nil

So, I decided to make up for their shortcomings and give you the BFiB….Best Fakes in Baseball that is….

Just for shits and giggles…..

What does BFiB mean to you?

There’s a Fire! Sale!: Astros @ Cubs Series Preview

Posted on July 22, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

I’m a cheapskate. I don’t buy anything full price unless I can help it. I guess groceries are excepted, because who the hell waits for milk to go on clearance? If I were an MLB GM right now, looking at the roster would be like seeing one of those guys wearing a sandwich board near a going-out-of-business sale. Everything. Must. Go! Even fixtures for sale. Hell, Wade would probably trade Stretch Suba right now if he could get a A-ball pitcher whose heater breaks 90.

Basically, I just wanted an excuse to post the video above. What more do you want from me on a work day with a 1:20pm game?

Probable Pitchers

Friday, July 22nd

1:20 CT, Drunk Fucktard Field

Bud Norris (5-6, 3.59) v. Carlos Zambrano (6-5, 4.78)

Lost behind the W-L record and the general bullshit of this season is the fact that Budly has finally come into his own as a starting pitcher. At the beginning of the season, I thought he might be better suited as a back-of-bullpen fireballer, but he’s really become a pitcher. Starlin Castro and Carlos Pena hit him well, but everyone else is below .250 against him.

Fuck Carlos Zambrano. Even adopting a kid can’t make me like him. And fuck his numbers too. I hope he make Mike Quade so mad today that it actually makes blood rush to Quade’s face.

Saturday, July 23rd

12:05 CT, Ivy Ain’t Charming, It’s A Weed Field

Wandy Rodriguez (6-6, 3.67) v. Randy Wells (1-3, 6.71)

It’s your audition, Wandy! Prove you’re not Jeff Suppan! Just watch out for Soto and Darwin Barney, cause they’ve got your number.

Randy Wells player photo looks like he just bought the fat girl at the end of the bar a cosmo. “Yeah, The Beard is getting some tonight, for sure. Bitches love cosmos.” Carlos and Hunter have both homered off Wells, plus Bourn and Q hit him well, too. Hopefully the fat girl keeps Wells up all night, and he can have “heat exhaustion” and leave the game early.

Sunday July 24th

1:20 CT, The Good Wife Is A Surprisingly Good Show Set In Chicago Field

Jordan Lyles (0-5, 4.55) v. Matt Garza (4-7, 3.80)

You know what? Fuck the “Poor Lyles” storyline. He’s pitched fairly well, showed some promise, but it’s not like he’s been dominant and then the bullpen screws it up. He’s a good young pitcher who’s not even up to his potential yet. And I hope to crap that he gets #1 in Chi-town. In his first start against the Cubs, he held them to a collective .217 average.

Matt Garza has underperformed compared to Cubfan’s expectations. Gee, where have I heard that story before? Suck it, Cubfan. The only savior your franchise will ever have is Jesus, and He’s noticed your special approach to “love your neighbor”. The ‘stros have faced him once, and hit him well to the tune of .320/.520/.866

Injuries

Astros:

Arias, Castro, and Lyon, of course.

Abad – back from 15 Day soon.

Bourgeois – activated today, in RF as soon as Pence gets traded.

Cubs:

Andrew Cashner – No timetable for return. He should change his name to “Playoffs”.

Marcos Mateo – Strained right elbow. Wank joke!

Brian Schlitter – 60 day DL since March 30. You do the math, because I don’t get it.

What to watch for:

This could very well be the last series with several players in Astros uniforms. If Pence is one of them, I’ll always look back fondly on his time with the team, despite his shortcomings. The kid loves to play baseball, and he plays hard. If he ever plays on a championship team, no one is going to have more fun with a champagne bottle in his hands than Hunter.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

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