I’m a cheapskate. I don’t buy anything full price unless I can help it. I guess groceries are excepted, because who the hell waits for milk to go on clearance? If I were an MLB GM right now, looking at the roster would be like seeing one of those guys wearing a sandwich board near a going-out-of-business sale. Everything. Must. Go! Even fixtures for sale. Hell, Wade would probably trade Stretch Suba right now if he could get a A-ball pitcher whose heater breaks 90.
Basically, I just wanted an excuse to post the video above. What more do you want from me on a work day with a 1:20pm game?
Friday, July 22nd
1:20 CT, Drunk Fucktard Field
Bud Norris (5-6, 3.59) v. Carlos Zambrano (6-5, 4.78)
Lost behind the W-L record and the general bullshit of this season is the fact that Budly has finally come into his own as a starting pitcher. At the beginning of the season, I thought he might be better suited as a back-of-bullpen fireballer, but he’s really become a pitcher. Starlin Castro and Carlos Pena hit him well, but everyone else is below .250 against him.
Fuck Carlos Zambrano. Even adopting a kid can’t make me like him. And fuck his numbers too. I hope he make Mike Quade so mad today that it actually makes blood rush to Quade’s face.
Saturday, July 23rd
12:05 CT, Ivy Ain’t Charming, It’s A Weed Field
Wandy Rodriguez (6-6, 3.67) v. Randy Wells (1-3, 6.71)
It’s your audition, Wandy! Prove you’re not Jeff Suppan! Just watch out for Soto and Darwin Barney, cause they’ve got your number.
Randy Wells player photo looks like he just bought the fat girl at the end of the bar a cosmo. “Yeah, The Beard is getting some tonight, for sure. Bitches love cosmos.” Carlos and Hunter have both homered off Wells, plus Bourn and Q hit him well, too. Hopefully the fat girl keeps Wells up all night, and he can have “heat exhaustion” and leave the game early.
Sunday July 24th
1:20 CT, The Good Wife Is A Surprisingly Good Show Set In Chicago Field
Jordan Lyles (0-5, 4.55) v. Matt Garza (4-7, 3.80)
You know what? Fuck the “Poor Lyles” storyline. He’s pitched fairly well, showed some promise, but it’s not like he’s been dominant and then the bullpen screws it up. He’s a good young pitcher who’s not even up to his potential yet. And I hope to crap that he gets #1 in Chi-town. In his first start against the Cubs, he held them to a collective .217 average.
Matt Garza has underperformed compared to Cubfan’s expectations. Gee, where have I heard that story before? Suck it, Cubfan. The only savior your franchise will ever have is Jesus, and He’s noticed your special approach to “love your neighbor”. The ‘stros have faced him once, and hit him well to the tune of .320/.520/.866
Astros:
Arias, Castro, and Lyon, of course.
Abad – back from 15 Day soon.
Bourgeois – activated today, in RF as soon as Pence gets traded.
Cubs:
Andrew Cashner – No timetable for return. He should change his name to “Playoffs”.
Marcos Mateo – Strained right elbow. Wank joke!
Brian Schlitter – 60 day DL since March 30. You do the math, because I don’t get it.
What to watch for:
This could very well be the last series with several players in Astros uniforms. If Pence is one of them, I’ll always look back fondly on his time with the team, despite his shortcomings. The kid loves to play baseball, and he plays hard. If he ever plays on a championship team, no one is going to have more fun with a champagne bottle in his hands than Hunter.