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  • Series Previews (Page 34)

Growing Up In Public; Astros @ Nats Series Preview

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Series Previews

Man, talk about your two trains running, or ships in the night. This is two clubs more or less headed in the same direction, but one of them is farther along in the trip and is going a lot faster than the other.

I’ve got two daughters. In my house, the doorway to the kitchen has pencil marks on each side from about three feet off the ground all the way to a few inches under six feet, all with dates scrawled next to them. Maybe you have something similar, if you’ve got kids.

Sometimes I’ll take a few minutes and look at those marks, compare them, try to draw some kind of math while the emotional side of me remembers what they were like when those individual marks were made. It’s a tangible path to an intangible journey, one with an infinite number of side trips along the way that expose the dimensions of life spent together and, inevitably, less together.

The Astros draw Washington’s #1-4 pitchers for their four game funfest. This week is the beginning of the real measure of this team. It may well resemble one of those high school Driver’s Ed movies by midweek, but the point, just like in those flicks, is that you gotta keep moving.

Monday, April 16
6:05 CT, Nationals Park

Kyle Weiland (0-1, 7.20) v. Stephen Strasburg (1-0, 0.69)

Weiland had a rough start against Atlanta his first time out, on 50th Anniversary Night. Good fastball, no command, iffy control and The Return of Larry Wayne did him in.

Strasburg, well, he’s The Second Coming and He’s Invincible and We Have The Technology and all that. I’m surprised they’re even playing this one, but I guess those people buying tickets want to actually see this one play out. Downs and Lee are 1 for 1 against Strasburg, and Lee has 1 RBI.

Tuesday, April 17
6:05 CT, Nationals Park

Wandy Rodriguez (0-1, 2.38 ) v. Gio Gonzalez (0-0, 3.38)

Wandy hasn’t been all that great early on, but neither has his team since they’ve choked up four errors in each of his two starts. Mark DeRosa has 2 HRs, 7 RBI and hits .360 vs. him. LaRoche hits .350 and Zimmerman hits .400 as well.

Gio is the real deal, a solid #2 in the making. Lowrie is 3 for 8 with one dinger against him.

Wednesday, April 18
6:05 CT, Nationals Park

Lucas Harrell (1-0, 3.27) v. Jordan Zimmermann (0-1, 1.29)

Harrell was inconsistent in his second start and got slapped around by the Marlins. If he can find some consistency he’s got the stuff but isn’t that the case with the Astros staff? Welcome to the meat grinder, boys.

Damn, the Nats have a strong staff. Lee is 3 for 6 against Zimmy.

Thursday, April 19
6:05 CT, Nationals Park

Bud Norris (0-0, 4.15) v. Edwin Jackson (1-0, 2.57)

Bud’s 1-0 with a 2.63 ERA in two career starts against Washington. Werth is 2 for 11, but Zimmerman hits .429 with 1 HR against Norris.

Jackson is a quality starter, and he’s the #4 guy for Washington. Lee is 3 for 8, Lowrie 2 for 4 against him.

Promotions

Nothing. Nothing at all. You’ll get nothing and you’ll like it.

Injuries

Astros:
Sergio Escalona is out for the season. Schreefer had some dizziness and is day to day, man.

Nats:
Wang strained his hamstring, he’ll be back later this month.

Storen’s out after surgery to remove bone chips. He’s due back around July.

Morse is out until June or July with an aggravated lat strain.

Marrero is on the 60-day list with a torn hammy and might be back in July.

Kimball had right shoulder surgery and might be back in July.

What To Watch For

Can the Astros scratch out a hit? Will any of these games be competitive? How deflating would it be to go 0-4? More importantly, what will this team learn that they can use going forward?

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

Carmen Miranda Ain’t Got Shit On Me: Astros @ Marlins Series Preview

Posted on April 13, 2012 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

Lick Away

Much of the focus in the pre-season and afterwards with regards to the newly geographically specific Miami Marlins has been on their garish spaceship of a stadium.  Built with an amount of debt and tackiness that would doubly impress Donald Trump, it stands as the one bit of personality that the previous, generically Floridian Marlins lacked.   So they’ve got that.

And it couldn’t have happened to a classier city.  My one visit to that part of South Florida came around the time that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was out, and it was truly surreal to ride around in a cab, through what were certainly the levels I’d been playing the night before.  I’m pretty sure there are still some poorly-AI’ed police cars chasing me down there for all those pedestrians I smushed.

The other Marlins storyline has been their titanic jackass of a manager Ozzie Guillen.  One of these days, some maniac is going to assemble a team with Carlos Zambrano, Milton Bradley, Luke Scott, Kyle Farnsworth, Bryce Harper, Manny Ramirez, and A.J. Pierzinski on it, with Ozzie managing, Ugeuth Urbina as pitching coach and Barry Bonds as hitting coach.  Then they’ll sign lil Timmy Lincecum as a chew toy.

This whole season feels like the final week of classes to me.  Everyone’s really busy getting ready for that next step, and as much as you’ve been told that the Real World is better than College Life, you want to believe in your heart that an eternal stay in the college town of your choice would actually be a positive, affirming life decision.  Now, I’m not saying that the AL represents the Real World.  If anything, the Astros are graduating from a pensioned position at a Fortune 500 company to work as a fucking fry cook at the Dairy Queen in Nacogdoches.  But it feels like the end of school, because A) you want to believe that the Next Step won’t be so bad, and you wish you could just stay even though you can’t and B) you’re getting to see all of these people for the final time.  Good, bad and ugly, you’re never going to really see them except at the rare reunions or tailgates or whatever, and it won’t be the same.  And it fucking sucks.  Even that crazy guy that you just met last week, the one with the jumping slot machine fish in center field, you know there’s not anybody like that Out There.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, April 13th

6:10 CT, Krusty’s Fun World Stadium

Lucas Harrell (1-0, 0.00) v. Ricky Nolasco (1-0, 3.68)

Harrell had an impressive outing in his first Astros start, beating an old man and not giving up any earned runs.  He’s never faced the Fish before.  Here’s hoping he makes some sushi.  FISH PUNS!

Ricky Nolasco dresses like a member of Color Me Badd’s road crew. He’s a terrible person because of this single fact.  Chris Johnson is 3 for 7 against him, and Schreefer has a triple.  Everyone else is pretty meh against him.  Slap that sorry-ass excuse for a goatee off his face and let’s get to him early.  The Marlins relievers are having seizures in the bullpen due to the proximity to the home run sculpture thing.

Saturday, April 14th

6:10 CT, Frank Gehry Presents base\BALL Stadium

Bud Norris (0-0, 2.57) v. Carlos Zambrano (0-0, 6.00)

Bud’s off to a strong-ish start, with plenty of K’s against the Rockies on Sunday.  Against the Marlins, Greg Dobbs has homered off him, and Chris Coughlan is completely hitless in 11 AB’s.  Everyone else is somewhere in between.

Fuck Big Z. That is all.

Sunday, April 15th

1:10 CT, Amazing Technicolor Dream Park

J.A. Happ (1-0, 4.50) v. Anibal Sanchez (1-0, 2.84)

Jay started sloppy but came away with a win last week.  This is actually a pattern I can deal with over the course of a season.  Giancarlo “Joey Belle” Stanton has a homer off Happ, but bats .148 otherwise.  Collectively, the Marlins hit .200/.345/.311 against Happ, but Lord knows what effect having a highlighter-colored outfield wall will do as far as seeing the ball out of his hand.

Anibal, who not only has a girl’s name but also mis-spelled it, has been sneaky-good for the past couple of years.  Among the Astros, battery mates Happ and Castro are .500 against him and Justin Maxwell has a homer off him.

Prrrrromotions

It’s opening weekend at this particular new stadium.  Let that sink in before we proceed:

Post-racial America, everyone.

Friday: Post-game Daddy Yankee concert, sponsored by Cholula Hot Sauce.   Daddy Yankee, the poor man’s Pitbull, brought to you by a truly saucy wench.

Saturday: Saturday Spectacular.  No description is provided, so I can only assume it means Cuban sandwiches for all, DWI’s for some.

Sunday: It’s Family Sunday, and the first 5,000 kids get an Opening Weekend Poster.  When you stare at the poster, it looks like third place in the NL East.

Injuries:

Astros: Sergio Escalona is only mostly dead.  Jed Lowrie is back, baby.

Marlins: Jose Ceda (who looks like a clean shaven Rick Ross, appropriately enough), had Tommy Juan surgery.

What To Watch For

– The COLORS

– THE COLORS!

– A story bout a man named Jed, who played shortstop, even though Marwin is pretty decent already.

– The regression to the mean.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

Braves @ Astros…Let’s Celebrate 50!!! WTF??? Divorce papers??…..

Posted on April 10, 2012 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

Sorry guys and gals, I did not read the schedule clearly enough to notice I was slated to preview this series until late yesterday afternoon with budget hearings staring me in the face.  Needless to say, I have the distinct dishonor of being the first this season to screw up a series preview.  Boo on me.

As the last season in the NL commences, I am just PO’d at the thought that all the years and emotions I have invested in dislike, disdain, even utter contempt of several NL teams will be pissed away with the switch to the League That Must Not Be Named.  I like disliking the Braves.  I revel in replaying the anger over in my mind of years of playoff disapppointments at the likes of Maddoxand Glavine, not to mention fucking WW.  Or damn Javy Lopez setting up so far outside the box that Rosanne Barr could have sat her fat ass between his glove and the plate. That is what fandom is made of, not just the highs of victories, but the agonies of defeat–like celebrating your wedding anniversary and then get handed divorce papers.

Some have tried to tell me that I will have the same feelings in a few years about American League teams, but I disagree.  With the state of the team as is, it will be many years (in my opinion) before the team will be constantly competitive for playoff spots, and those rivalries will fester and come to a head…..and I will have true and utter disdain for the Angels, A’s, and Mariners.  (No worries about the Rangers, Yanks and BeanEaters, though, they got it covered already).

Monday, April 9, 7:05 p.m.  Beachy vs Happ

Yeah, this game is over, in the books, finis.  Astros won.  Root. Root. Root.

Tuesday, April 10,  7:05 p.m. Hanson vs Weiland

 Weiland and his mates will don the 1962 Gun-Toting, Rabble-Rousin’ unis against the Braves, can someone say, Cowboys and Indians??  Hanson is 3-0 vs the Astros with a sub 1.00 ERA.  Of course, he has not faced most of this pimply faced lineup.  Downs (.400) and Lee (.385) are the only ones with a decent BA in a handful of ABs against him.  Weiland…well, he is an Atlanta virgin, ripe for cherry pickin’ on this game.  Bourn returns to his hometown for the first time this season, and may be joined by Chipper who is expected to come off the DL for this game.

Wednesday, April 11, 7:05 p.m. Delgado vs  Rodriguez

Delgado has never faced the Astros.  That should be enough said about this game.  Wandy though has held current Braves to a .284 average, thanks to a 1-11 (.091) by McCann and a 3 for 20 (.150) by Uggla.  Rodriguez did not allow an earned run in 6 1/3 innings on Opening Day vs. Rockies.  He will have to repeat this feat if the Astro bats revert to their usual showing against a newbie.

Early Season M*A*S*H report:

Atlanta Braves
Updated Player Pos Injury Expected Return
04/02/12 Robert Fish RP Elbow 15-day DL. Out until at least mid-April
04/08/12 Tim Hudson SP Back 15-day DL. Expected to make Class A rehab start April 12
04/08/12 Chipper Jones 3B Knee 15-day DL. Might return April 13 vs. Milwaukee
04/02/12 Anthony Varvaro RP Pectoral 15-day DL. Out until at least mid-April
03/30/12 Arodys Vizcaino RP Elbow 15-day DL. Out for season
Houston Astros
Updated Player Pos Injury Expected Return
04/06/12 Sergio Escalona RP Elbow 15-day DL. Out for the season
04/08/12 Jed Lowrie SS Thumb 15-day DL. Might return for April 13 at Miami

 

Ploys to get AIS

Monday:

Who cares?  Some dumbbutt didn’t get the preview in on time.

Tuesday:

 
  • 50th Anniversary of First Franchise Game
    Retro Jerseys: Colt .45s
  • $1 Hot Dog Day
    Presented By Classic Foods
  • Colt .45s Cap
    Presented By Conn’s | 10,000 fans
  • Double Play Tuesdays
    Presented By Powerade
  • Price Matters Days
    Presented By H-E-B

Wednesday

  • Price Matters Days
    Presented By H-E-B

This is just the first go-round of 50th Anniversary hoorahs for the team, so I thought I’d start out the season with a review of some of the former songs associated with the team.  So sit back, turn up the volume and sing along…..or not….

For our Spanish speaking readers:

Cards @ Astros….Don’t Forget to Squush the Turds on the Way Out

Posted on September 26, 2011 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

Only three days left till the beginning of the 2011 Void.  Another baseball season has come and gone; Limey’s Scarlett told Ryan she just doesn’t give a damn, Thunderpants is now perfecting his g00gly-eyed face melting roaming of right field as a pHucking pHillie, and Sweet Baby Bourn is tomahawk chopping his way to a possible playoff berth.  Despite all of this, we still have baseball.  Astros baseball.  National League, no friggin DH baseball. Baseball is our one constant through all the years. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it’s a part of our past and a part of our future.  But enough plagarism, lets get on to the Turdinal bashing….

Screw Larussa.
Screw Pooholes.
Screw Berkman
.**

Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all. Go Astros.***

OK, more plagarism.  But how can you say it better?

Monday, 7:05 p.m. 

Wandy gets the start versus Garcia who is 0-3 with a 5.91 ERA against the Astros.  Now Garcia has something to prove, hasn’t lost since late August, and Wandy, well, as 11-11 shows you, has just been fair to middlin’ most of the season, despite success against the Cards this year.  I hate to say it, but this just feels like a loss.

Tuesday, 7:05 p.m.

Westbrook faces Sosa in the penultimate game of the season.  For you Fredia types out there, that big word means next to last. The self-named Jake is 1-1 in his last two starts, and has had a pretty decent season, but I am the Walrus has his number, sporting a hefty man-sized thunderthighs .800 average against him.  Sosa has never had the pleasure of sticking it to the redbirds; I am hoping he stomps the ever-livin shit outta them until they are lying on the concrete suffering from extreme rigor(haven’t I seen that somewhere before??).

Wednesday 7:05 p.m.

Carpenter faces Myers for the season finale.  Personally, I would rather see the two in a barbed wire cage death match.  I would definitely put my Benjamins on Myers.  As far as a baseball game goes, I hate to say it, but I think Carpenter leaves it all on the mound and pulls out the win.

Injuries

Co-ards–Lynn and Wainwright.  LaRussa ripped them a new one and sent them out for the season a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…..

Astros–Get with the  program.  If you don’t know Arias, Escalona, Michaels, Norris, Castro and Lyon are done this year, then screw you, where have you been?

Stuff.  Or not.

Fan appreciation day was yesterday, so you have to settle for nothing on Star Wars Night (WTF??–they should at least give out golden metal bikinis to the hot chicks and make them wear them to the game.  That might put a few AIS).  Or the next day. But you get a team poster if you show up on Wednesday. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Random stuff

I want to express my appreciation to the new guys on the block who did such a great job this year.  Ebby and OSF, you saved my ass on more than one occassion.  RB, your recaps exposed us to a side we didn’t know you had, dadgumit, you can write!  And how do those regulars keep putting out previews and recaps  that make us laugh, cry, love, hate, and ponder from series to series and game to game? And to every poster–  this multifarious group  from 94CougarGrad to ybbodeus–kept us sane during an insane season.  Thanks to each and every one of you.  We will see you again tomorrow.  Same bat time, same bat channel………

And just in case you need an extra dose of Turdinal hate….

Screw Larussa.

Screw Pooholes.

Screw Berkman.

Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all. Go Astros.

 

**J. C. III’s Best Post Ever.
***Don’t get on Mr. Happy’s bad side.
Apologies for the Blatant Field of Dreams regurgitation.

Play Shuffle: Rockies @ Astros Series Preview

Posted on September 23, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

At the risk of sounding like a certain Apple-whoring Brit, I’ve got a technology story to tell.  A friend sent me a Spotify invite about a month ago, and it’s been a huge part of my life ever since.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Spotify is a music streaming service, popular overseas and just recently available Stateside.  Everything is on Spotify. Everything. No indie band is too obscure, no B-side too rare. And the way I’ve been using it reminds me of this year’s Astros.

No one can listen to every good thing out there.  We’re finite beings.  But that’s not going to stop people from trying.  I’ve been taking advantage of the depth and ease of Spotify to catch up.  Bands and artists I’ve known for years that I should be familiar with, or that I would just love if I took the time to listen are all there for the clicking.  So I’ve been taking advantage.  Like the rookies on the current Astros roster, I’ve found some winners and some AAAA players.  And also like the Astros, these initial impressions could be completely wrong.  Chris Johnson could end up a better player than Jimmy Parades.  I could change my mind about the excruciating qualities of Neil Young’s voice or my newfound love of Jawbreaker.

I have a sticky  note on my desk at work with the names of bands that have popped into my head periodically over the  past week.  I’m planning on looking them all up soon.  New Order.  Husker Du. The Birthday Party.  Eric B.& Rakim.  I’m enjoying the journey, being the rookie learning from these veterans.   Hopefully it’ll make my appreciation of the music I already love deeper, and opening some surprising new avenues.

This roster is far from a world beater.  It’s hard to make the case that even with every player at their full potential you’d have a shot at the NL Central title.  But there are some very talented kids out there on the final week of the season.  They’re worth a spin.

Probable Pitchers

Thursday, September 22nd

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Henry Sosa v. Alex White

I predict a 9-6 Astros win.  MIND TAKER!

Friday, September 23rd

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Drew Promeranz (1-0, 1.69) v. Brett Myers (6-13, 4.39)

A rookie.  Shit.  On the upside, his name sounds like a small dog.

Brett’s been pretty decent lately. Unfortuantely, the Rox hit .385 off him as a team, and he’s literally never gotten Jason Giambi out.  2011 Giambi, even.  Yikes.

Saturday, September 24th

6:05 CT, MMPUS

Jason Hammel (7-13, 4.85) v. J.A. Happ (6-15, 5.48)

Despite his shitty numbers this year, Hammel has our number pretty well.  Schafer and Quintero hit .333.  If they both bat about 9 times, we should be okay.  Math!

Happ has been a lot better since his return from OKC exile.  Carlos Gonzalez, the erstwhile Piggy Wigginton, something called Seth Smith and Kevin Karamazov, er Kouzmanoff all hit him pretty well, though.  However, only one RBI against him from the whole team.  So there’s that.

Sunday, September 25th

1:05 CT, MMPUS

Jhoulys Chacin (11-13, 3.66) v. Lucas Harrell (0-1, 2.00)

I can only assume that Mr. Chacin’s name is pronounced like “Julius”, but sweet mother of mercy, that’s awkward.  As punishment for a shitty name, he gets hit to the tune of .421 by the Mud and Blood.  Bogusevic and Q have hit him particularly well, including a homer for Q.

Meanwhile, the normally-named Harrell looks like a randomly generated baseball player from a mid-00’s video game.  Mark Ellis is 1-3 against him, Kouzamanoff is 0-fer in five AB’s, and no one else has seen him.  Hopefully they catch Astros Rookie Pitcher Syndrome (ARPS) against him.

Prrrromotions!

Okay, first off, I’ve never been able to find the clip that inspires me to add extra R’s to Promotions in every preview, but since I’ve already included one Birdman clip, I might as well post this.  It’s my favorite Colbert performance of all time.  No exceptions.

Friday:
50th Anniversary Cap
Fireworks
COLLEGE NIGHT! WHOOOOOOOOO!

Saturday:
50th Anniversary Blanket (noticing a theme yet?)

Oktoberfest  (with cheaper beer?  you wish!)

Sunday:

50th Anniversary T-shirt

Fan Appreciation (I’m going to this game, and I’m liking my odds of winning one of the giveaways, since there should only be 10 other fans there)

Kids Run the Bases!

Injuries

Astros

The usual suspects, plus Norris and Michaels, neither of whom will be seen again this year.  Michaels, maybe not again period.

Rockies

Holy shit, it’s like half their roster:

Charlie Blackmon
Matt Daley
Jorge De La Rosa
Hector Gomez
Carlos Gonzalez
Todd Helton
Jonathan Herrera
Jose Morales
Juan Nicasio
All of whom have high-altitude masturbation injuries.
What to Watch For:
The next to last series of the year.
Harrell’s progress
The pretty decent looking 50th Anniversary stuff.

TANGLED UP IN BLUE

Posted on September 11, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, News, Series Previews

PHILADELPHIA Phillies (94-49) at HOUSTON Astros (49-97)
September 12-14, 2011
MMPUS

HOUSTON (SnS) – It is mid-September, and another baseball season is grinding to a finish. The Astros are winding down a particularly unsuccessful campaign. I am not especially dismayed by that, though of course 2011 has been trying at times.Read More

Abraham Maslow, Della, Phillies
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