Detroit 6
Houston 5

contributed by Mr. Happy

In many ways, this game was emblematic of the type of team the 2015 Astros are. Courtesy of pin-ball machine Scott Feldman (who pitched about as well as he could, bless his heart), the Astros dug themselves into a 5-0 deficit to David Price, who was cruising into the seventh frame with a shutout in the making. Things didn’t look good.

In years past, I’d have abandoned all hope and not even listened to the last three innings. But this team’s never-say-die philosophy keeps them in games. The Good Guys nicked three runs off of the stingy Mr. Price and drove him out of the ball game in the seventh inning. The Astros lead MLB in the number of runs scored from innings seven through nine. They added five to that total yesterday afternoon, tying the game up at 5 on rookie Preston Tucker’s ninth inning pinch home run off of shutdown closer Joakim Soria, who blew his first save opportunity in 14 chances.

Unfortunately, Tony Sipp got sloppy with an 0-2 pitch to the first hitter in the bottom of the eleventh inning, which Tigers rookie backstop James McCann belted over the wall in walkoff fashion to prevail 6-5 in 11 frames. Despite the loss, which dropped the Astros to 27-15, the club made its case with an exclamation point. The Astros come to play every day, and you better bring your A-game to the yard every day, or the Good Guys will clean your clock. I like that attitude.

Get ‘em tomorrow, boys. Until then, zitz ‘em and pound Budweiser.

Houston’s Astros 8
The Canadien’s Provocateurs 4

contributed by NeilT

Handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Burk Lanceman sat in the secret headquarters of Texas government located deep beneath the Capitol in Austin. Across from him sat the leader of the Lone Star State, Governor General Greg Abbott.

“Are you certain, Captain, certain? Can there really be no doubt?”

Ruggedly handsome Captain Lanceman’s response was deliberate, measured. “There can be no doubt, Governor General. We have tracked transmissions from Toronto to closed WalMarts in Livingston and Midland. The transmissions originate in Ottawa. The Canadian’s plan, known as Jade Helm 15, appears to be for a two-prong attack producing an east-west pincer movement focused on the Capitol.

“Governor, there is no doubt that the internal events at the two closed WalMarts holds the key to the end game of the Canadian’s Jade Helm operations. Jade Helm and WalMart are inextricably linked, and the existing evidence suggests two end game probabilities. After serving as the staging area, the WalMart stores will be processing centers for FEMA camp political prisoners, including the leaders of our Texas government, and will continue on an on-going basis as supply and staging centers for continued mopping-up operations.

“In the past four weeks, I have watched over 100 videos on Jade Helm and Walmart. I have performed what researchers call a qualitative, or a descriptive analysis of the available facts. In performing this task, I have looked for patterns among the recent Walmart closings, because it is clear that the closings coincide with Jade Helm. This constitutes Phase One of the analysis. In Phase Two, the findings from Phase One are correlated to known or strongly suspected events connected to Jade Helm and other areas of concern related to State security. Subsequently, this kind of descriptive analysis can yield strong clues as to the true intent of where Jade Helm is headed and what the WalMart role consists of in conjunction with Jade Helm. There is no doubt that the events are inextricably linked, and that the mastermind behind them is the Canadian.”

“But Captain Lanceman, what can we do!” Governor General Abbott was clearly disturbed.

“We believe that the creation and maintenance of a covert and preplanned covert guerrilla warfare secret undercover force to be secretly and covertly pre-positioned in an area that will then likely be overrun by the invading Canadian forces. Think Viet Cong, only from Quebec. The Canadian’s plan is to “Master the Human Domain” by insertion of stealth forces based upon the use of “infiltration techniques.” The first two purposes of Jade Helm are dissident extraction and martial law to carry out the geographic isolation of troubled areas. The third goal is the popularization of ice hockey.

“Governor General, you must activate Texas’s greatest hope. I have brought you a letter to warn the Texas Brigade.”

Governor General Abbott was clearly astonished. “But Captain Lanceman, the Texas Brigade has not been activated since 1865!”

“Yes Governor General, but they, our greatest patriots, stand ready for this purpose.” Handsomely rugged Captain Lanceman passed the letter to Governor General Abbott.

“To address concerns of Texas citizens and to ensure that Texas communities remain safe, secure and informed about military procedures occurring in their vicinity, I am directing the Texas State Guard to monitor Operation Jade Helm 15. During the training operation, it is important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed.”

***
“Sacre bleu!” cried Senator Cruse, code name the Canadian. “Burk Lanceman has taken the bait! Jean Jacques,” he called to his chief of staff, “bring me tonight’s play-by-play!”

For years the Canadians, plotting against the government in Texas, had raised a super-race of baseball players whose sole purpose was to communicate to inserted Canadian agents the coded plans and schemes of the Canadians. These baseball players, all now on the Toronto Blue Jays, were raised by the Canadian Royal Mounties from birth to play baseball as it had never been played before. No action on the field was random: all was controlled, designed, and communicating play-by-play Toronto’s coded messages.

“Look Jean Jacques, how our brave Canadiens make Keuchel struggle. Four earned runs in only six innings pitched! They are telling us that the Texas government is buying our fake invasion plans!

“And now look, how they allow the bullpen to shut them down! Mon dieu! They are affirming to us that there is no real invasion! Harris, Qualls (yes even Qualls), and Fields! in the 7th, 8th, and 9th are telling us there is no real invasion.

“Now look, here, with home runs by Springer, off Dickey in the 3rd, Altuve (3 RBI) off Dickey in the 5th, with 422 feet, and Valbuena, off Tepera in the 7th! And the two doubles by Tucker off Dickey and the one by Carter in the 2nd! Jean Jacques! They are letting us know that by sending out his letter, the Texans will not be ready when it is time for the real invasion! We have at last destroyed the credibility of our nemesis, Captain Burk Lanceman!”

It had been a brilliant game by the agent provocateurs of the Canadian government. Except for troubled innings by Keuchel, the game had been arranged so that the Texans believed that they were in control, and that things had been played out well. Little did they know that the real invasion, the Canadian invasion, was coming. And the only Texan who could stop it, handsomely rugged Captain Burk Lanceman, had lost his credibility on a Canadian ruse.

Astros 6 Blue Jays 4
WP Fields (2-0)
LP Loup (1-2)
S Qualls (4)

contributed by Mr. Happy

Buttressed by a 3-4 night from Preston Tucker and another 2.2 frames of scoreless relief from the bully, the Good Guys bested Toronto 6-4 before 15,777 last night at MMPUS. While the home nine didn’t reach the seats last night, they doubled their pleasure all night with two-baggers. Indeed, five of the eight Astro hits were doubles. Eight and nine in the order was 4-7 with three doubles and three ribbies. Loup was pretty bad last night, not only blowing a save but getting hung with the big L. He didn’t retire any of the four hitters he faced in the seventh inning.

How long will the Hinchman continue to stick with K’ing Chris Carter? He’s so lost that he doesn’t know where he is lost from. Will the Astros continue to play batting average limbo with Carter? He’s at .150 now. How low can it go?

Carmonandez pitched about as well as he can last night (six hits and four earnies). He got off to a rough start in the top of the first frame when both Joey Bats and Edwin Encarnacion took him way out of the yard. About the best you can say about his pitching performance last night was that he ate up 6.1 innings. If, and this is a big if, the Astros can indeed contend in 2015, I don’t think that it will be Carmonandez who pitches in that four all year. I know that young phenom Lance McCullers, Jr. was just moved up to Fresno. I’ll be watching his starts there with great interest, because he could be in the equation in August or September.

Despite scoring six runs, which has been difficult lately, the hitters really didn’t have a very good night. Collectively, the Astros were only 8-31. The only two players who had multi-hit games were the Piranha (big surprise-who also had two stolen bags) and Tucker. Strikeouts continue to plague the Good Guys, as they collected 13 more last night. Marisnick, who’s been very cold lately, earned a golden sombrero in the leadoff spot. However, for all of their shortcomings at the dish, the Astros continue to shine in the field. The club again had no errors, and the infield notched three twin killings. The pitcher’s best friend indeed.

All in all, it’s another W, but I really like it because it was another come-from-behind win. I just don’t think that the ball club would have won this type of game even a year ago. Let’s hope that they keep winning.

Astros 3 Halos 2
WP: Neshek (3-0)
LP: Street (2-1)
S: Gregerson (7)

contributed by Mr. Happy

In what was for me the most satisfying win of the young season, the Astros erupted for three runs in the top of the ninth frame against Huston Street, a top-shelf closer, in Anaheim to hang an L on Mr. Street. The Good Guys were held scoreless for eight innings by starter Hector Santiago and two relievers. Clinging to a 2-0 lead, the Halos turned the game over to Huston Street for the top of the ninth.

Colby Rasmus greeted Mr. Street with a line drive single to RF. Chris Carter woke up in time to line a single to LF, moving Rasmus to 2B. After a typical flyout by Castro the Astro, Jake Marisnick lined an RBI single to LF, which scored Rasmus and moved Robbie Grossman, who had been inserted as a pinch-runner for Carter, to 2B. Preston Tucker picked a very opportune time to collect his first big league hit, scoring Grossman and moving Marisnick to 3B, with Tucker taking 2B on the throw. After walking Jonathan Villar to load the sacks, this brought the Piranha to the plate with ducks on the pond. Facing a 1-2 count, Altuve was given another snake, but made contact and grounded it to 2B, scoring Marisnick with the lead run. At this point, the Halos put the hook on Mr. Street, but it was too late. Luke Gregerson got up and down in order in the ninth to save the game.

It was a meager output for the high-octane offense, consisting of six hits. No Astro had a multi-hit game. Yet it was enough. This is a very important win for a few reasons. For starters, it’s on the road and is against a division rival. Secondly, it breaks a short losing streak. Third, it is a come-from-behind win. I don’t think that the club could have come back in recent years. This team believes that it can win every game and is never out of it. That’s exactly the attitude that you want.

Once again, the good pitching returned to the scene, led by Collin McHugh’s 7.1 innings of five hit two run ball, followed up by what is quickly becoming a lockdown bully.

This brought home a win by Waldo, who took in the game and who observed in the GZ that the front-running Halos fans headed for the exits after Altuve’s RBI groundout. Speaking of the Game Zone, come see us. However, if you do, bring it strong or STFU.

Astros 5
A’s 4

contributed by NeilT

When the Astros play the A’s, it always makes me think of their manager, Mr. Bean, and his transformative use of statistics. Of course as you know, I myself am a statistics god, and today I thought I’d discuss an overlooked area of baseball statistics. Everybody knows the traditional player metrics: OPS+, RAR, WAR, oWAR, dWAR, WHIPP, ERA+, rtzhm, and G, but very few of us keep track of our own personal fan statistics. I thought as part of today’s recap I’d share some important single game fan stats, so that you too can track your interest in any given game through personal metrics.

DWYSOAera (discussions with your significant other about ERA). It is a universal truth that no one’s significant other understands ERA, and explanations of ERA are both muddled and immediately forgotten. With Keuchel (0.90) matching Kazmir (1.33), this game demanded an extended discussion of ERA with Kris. “No, it’s the number of runs that the pitcher would have given up if he’d pitched a theoretical 9 innings. He didn’t really give up .9 runs. He didn’t really pitch 9 innings, but he has pitched 9 innings, just not those 9 innings.” This discussion was repeated several times, until Kazmir was replaced by Evan Scribner. Neither pitcher through 7 had given up a run. They’d given up walks (Keuchel: Zobrist in the first, Canha in the third; Kazmir: Rasmus in the second, Altuve in the fifth, Conger in the 7th), and hits (Keuchel: Gentry and Semien 1B in the 3rd; Kazmir: Gattis 1b in the 2nd, Altuve 1b in the 3rd, Lowrie 1b in the 4th, Conger 1b in the 5th, Altuve 1b in the 7th). But through 7 neither pitcher gave up a multi-base hit. Through 7 neither team could string together enough offense to score a run, though Keuchel loaded the bases in the 3rd. When Kazmir left, he’d thrown 106 pitches, 69 for strikes. I’d mentioned ERA to Kris 5 separate times for a DWYSOAera of 3.88, and we weren’t watching the game.

NTVPG+ (number of TVs at a party you wish were tuned into the game, where the party has lots of TVs). Yesterday was the anniversary of our friends Tony and Bruce, who met 20 years ago at a Log Cabin Republicans event. They threw a party. I know, you’re surprised that I know a couple of Republicans, but I think they had conversion therapy, and anyway I know many Republicans who I like and respect. I’ve even voted for Republicans. Anyway, Tony and Bruce have a big house, and it was packed. There were some city council members, and a mayoral candidate, and the guys who live across the street, and just lots and lots of people. There were also televisions in every room, none of which were tuned into the Astros game. I think I counted six televisions, none on. These pitchers were brilliant, and from time to time I was checking my phone, but damn: 6 TVs, baseball brilliance, and not one tv tuned in. To be fair though, we were only there through a couple of innings, and then went on to dinner at Holley’s Seafood Restaurant and Oyster Bar. Because it was a West Coast game, and we weren’t at the party very late, my NTVPG+ for the evening was a very low .066. I suspect they remembered to turn on the televisions after we left.

GdCaaRwS (Gameday Checks at a Restaurant with your Spouse). Have you been to Holley’s? It’s really very good. I had broiled oysters, and the rolls, and the grouper. Kris had the flounder. I’d go back. We were there until about 11.

This was probably my best statistic of the night, but to be fair I’ve followed a lot of games on Gameday during the past few seasons. I swear I kept looking, but I couldn’t ever find the Astros games on TV. We left about the 8th, when Marwin Gonzalez replaced Gattis as a pitch runner and was caught stealing 2nd. I put my phone on game day and laid it on the table as soon as we were seated. That’s six innings of Gameday, in a restaurant, with my wife. Of course we’ve been married a long time. 1.000.

TTVwHL (Turning on the TV when home late). This is really a minor statistic, and it’s importance is highly debated. You either do, or you don’t, and it’s one that early in the season or during playoffs—remember playoffs?—is easily inflated. I’m not even going to share my numbers, but I did get home in time to see Keuchel come back in for the 9th. Nine innings pitched, with the only baserunners in the first and third. 2 BB, 2 1b, 4K, 14 ground outs. 106 pitches, 64 for strikes. Brilliant. Just brilliant. This is a night to remember when Cy Young rolls around.

FBDGZ (F-Bombs dropped in the GameZone). This is not a category I’m very good at. There are guys like MRaup whose numbers are astronomical, and I’m lucky if I drop an F-bomb per series—not per game, per series. But after Keuchel left, the game got crazy. In the bottom of the 10th, with Dan Otero pitching and Springer (2B) and Lowrie (IBB) on 1st and 2nd, Marwin doubled in 2 runs, then got caught off base in a baserunning kerfuffle. Keuchel was up for the win! Gregerson, who has pretty much been money, came in to close things out, and instead gave up a 2-run double to Josh Reddick. One F-bomb dropped. 2-2. Then in the top of the 11th, with Eric O’Flaherty replacing Otero, Carter walked, Rasmus walked, Conger laid down a perfect sac bunt to move the runners, Robbie Baseball singled in two runs and advanced to 2nd on an error. Altuve IBB, and my favorite relief pitcher, Abad, replaced O’Flaherty. Springer singled in Grossman. End of inning, 5-2.

Bottom of the 11th, Neshek in for Gregerson. Mostly I like Neshek, but last night I didn’t like Neshek. Sogard singled, and Semien hit a two run homer. Two F-bombs dropped, in only three GZ appearances! Davis singled and advanced to second on a wild pitch. Zobrist finally popped out for the first out. Sipp replaced Neshek, and Butler flied out to Springer. Qualls replaced Sipp and Lawrie flied out to center.

NeilT’s FBDGZ: .666.

What a game. What a night for my personal statistics.

contributed by NeilT

Miss Lola Laloush
Public Relations
Houston Astros
Minute Maid Park, Houston

Anaheim 6
Astros 3

Miss Lola,
Man, I sure miss seeing you at that bar down in Montrose and discussing statistics, but I understand that now that you handle public relations for the Astros you can’t just hang out at TC’s. I think the job you’re doing is pretty fantastic though. What you did with that Tommy John Aiken? A-Ma-ZZZZinG! I knew you were the right girl for the job.

As you know, in addition to my day job, I am an influential media pontificator in my role as a recapper at Orange Whoopass. This clearly qualifies me for the same press credentials as other members of the 5th estate—it’s the 5th estate right, or is that the Communists who are going to take over Amarillo?—anyway I’m a little surprised that the Astros haven’t contacted me yet. I am, after all, read by just about everybody who reads me. You can probably answer some of my questions, now that you’re an Astros employee. Is there a free buffet in the press box? Are there weenies on toothpicks? Is there beer? I really like some of the fine St. Arnold beers sold in the stadium, and would drink just about any of them when offered to a big league recapper. Offered for free.

I thought you might like a chance to review my recap for tonight’s game before it’s published. After all, we want our Astros to put their best feet forward, and as I recall you’re feet are always well shod. I have to admit, I was actually out water skiing on University during most of the game, so my recap is taken verbatim from the GameZone. It might be incomprehensible.

Altuve started the game with a sparkler of a play, making an excellent catch/stop/throw/quiche. No score after the first inning. Alan Ashby is an excellent broadcaster, and I would enjoy being introduced to him when given my press box credentials.

Gattis now has a four-game hitting streak after hammering a hanger into left in the bottom of the second, but at the end of 2 still 0-0. Mr. Castro stepped anatomically improbably and might be sore in the top of the fourth, allowing Calhoun to score. Austro, who is a grandfather and therefore blind, thought Castro got the runner. HH said no, and there was nothing more to be said, but JBM did, and it wasn’t pretty.

Mr Gattis followed up with a double in the bottom of the fourth, but I sure am looking forward to meeting Alan Ashby. Everyone has such a high opinion of him.

Altuve singles and ties the game. Marisnick either doesn’t tag and score on a sac fly by springer, or takes a crap at third. Maybe his incontinence explains the mistake?

Mr. Trout hits a 2 run homer. Chuck and Sphinx form the Colby Rasmus Fan Club. Castro hits a home run, Alan Ashby explains that Castro’s home run swing should embarrass him. I’m just glad that Pujols isn’t a Mariner, because that much hatred would be morally wrong.

Springer ties the game with a sac fly.

Qualls/Trout. Motherfuck.

Anyway, just let me know what time the pressbox opens, and what’s on the buffet.

Yours,
NeilT