The 22-25 Astros (4^th in NL Central, 3^rd in AL West) climb 5,280 feet to take on the 17-29 Rockies (4^th in NL West) for a four-game series.

Astros(1) @ Rockies Series Preview

AP (BEAUMONT, TX) –

“I really didn’t know what the darn thing was.”

“One minute it wasn’t here, the next minute it was!”

“Somebody should call somebody.”

Throngs of panic-stricken Beaumontians were asking the tough questions this afternoon, and word of a potential religious uprising in this quiet little Southeast Texas town is spreading quickly across State and International borders.

Monday morning at approximately 6:20am, Billy Farmer, a resident beach fisherman, caught his line on what he thought was the biggest redfish of his career, but what he reeled in might have been the biggest revelation of the 57-year-old’s life.

“It shook me to the very core of my inner being and such,” Farmer recalls.  “It’s my duty to share what I have seen.”

At the end of Farmer’s 12-lb monofilament fishing line was a thin, gleaming-white three-ringed binder, pristinely encased in five-inches of bubble wrap and industrial-grade rubber bands.  A lone yellow post-it note was attached inside the protective sheath, simply stating, “For strosrays, (expletive).”

“I knew a strosrays back in 1978, but I think he changed his name or something,” says Linda Gatti, a 55-year-old waitress.  “And when I say I knew him, I mean I “knew” him, with quotation marks at the left of the k of the word knew and to the right of the w in the word knew.  Like this (gestures).”

With the identity of the one named strosrays in question, Farmer opened the binder and read its contents.  Inside was a single page of hand-scribbled declarations, with the title, “Series Preview Commandments” underlined twice near the top-left corner.

What “Series” of events this doctrine commands is unknown at the time of this publication, but the following list is both enlightening and soul-shaking.  The Associated Press has decided to display the binder’s contents in full, and parental discretion is advised.

Series Preview Commandments

1.  Series Previews shall be published on-time, at least one hour before the first pitch of the first game of the series.

2.  The standard quota for the word “fuck(1)” is seven per preview, any mention of the word in relation to Commandment #4 does not count.

3.  If it’s a Cardinals preview, the “fuck(2)” quota is 26.

4.  “Fuck the Cubs” shall be written early and often.

5.  Series Previews shall be written under the heavy influence of alcohol.

6.  The presence of a gorilla (physical or spiritual) is strongly advised during the writing process.

7.  You can write about literally anything you want to.  Just say the word “Astros(2)” at least five times.

8.  Any positive or negative mention of Kevin Bass’s (redacted) results in immediate suspension.

9.  JimR is old.

10.  Recaps are for pussies.

US Officials are still analyzing the document and where it came from, but soil analysis has revealed the binder’s origin as somewhere in deep Arkansas.  The exact location is still under close review, because nobody really wants to look around too much in fucking(3) Arkansas.

And while the government remains puzzled, Farmer knows exactly where his path leads.

“Fuck the Cubs,” he proclaims.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Astros(3) lose 9-7, day game.  Astros(4) lose 7-6 (10), night game.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

No fucking(4) game?!?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Harrell (4-3) vs Friedrich (2-1)

Thursday, June 1, 2012

Norris (5-1) vs Guthrie (2-3)

Injuries

Astros(5)

Abad – 15-day DL (right intercostal strain)

Escalona – Out for year (left elbow)

Weiland – Out til ASB (right shoulder infection)

Fucking(5) Rockies

Chacin – Measles

De La Rosa – Mumps

Gomez – Hand, Foot, Mouth disease

Hernandez – Mono

Hererra – Shingles

Nelson – Bird Flu

What to watch for:

The new concessions stand at Coors Field.  Best brownies in the stadium.  They also have lollipops and Reese’s PB Cups.  Apparently you have to have a doctor’s note to buy there.

Fuck (6)

Fuck (7)

Follow the action in the GZ!

This weekend, the Houston Astros invade Chavez Ravine to play the one-time rival LA Dodgers. Yes, the “Astros and Dodgers = rivals” sounds odd, but it was once true. In fact, so true that in 1980 the two teams squared off in a final three game series in Chavez Ravine for the NL West title. Houston held a three game lead on the Dodgers going into the series. That the Astros lost all three games to the Dodgers in three tightly contested games led to perhaps the most memorable and delightful one game, winner takes the NL West showdown. And that is when Joe Niekro became a Houston hero for most of us too. In honor of Joseph Franklin Niekro, this last National League series preview held at Chavez Ravine is dedicated to the game he swore he “Wasn’t going to lose!”.

Series: Houston Astros versus the LA Trolley Dodgers
Where: Chavez Ravine, home of the Dodger Dog
When: Friday, May 25 through Sunday, May 27th

There isn’t much drama involved in this particular series, even though the 2012 Houston Astros have been a hot club lately and the Dodgers are leading the NL West and playing consistently good baseball. But this in no way should be considered a permiere series to watch. At least not like in 1980 when the Houston Astros fought hard under skipper Bill Virdon. In 1980 the Astros featured the arm of Nolan Ryan, Joe Niekro, and for a part of the season JR Richard. Richard suffered a career ending stroke in July of 1980, the same season when Cincinnatti Red pitcher Tom Seaver swore the Astros would fall from the NL West frontrunner status like a lead balloon. That was then, this is now and there is not much drama involved in this series, only the one that some fans like me will put into it: the last National League series to be played at Chavez Ravine by the ‘Stros. Bittersweet, isn’t it?

Friday, May 25th – 9:10pm CST
Lucas Harrel vs. Clayton Kershaw

Okay, this is not an even match in anybodies eyes. Lucas Harrel has had some good outings for the Astros and some bad ones. The bad ones seem to outnumber the good ones, but lately he has been throwing his sinker more effectively. The ball seems to be more lively when he pitches but it’s still staying true in the middle of the plate way too much. Kershaw has been the ACE for the Dodgers and one the primary reasons they’re leading the West this year. What may help Harrel is how much Chavez Ravine plays into a pitcher’s strenghts, it is one of the most forgiving parks in the National League. Hey, any park that can make Chan Ho Park look like Cy Young has got to be good news for a pitcher.

Flashback to 1980: The first game of the 1980 series in Chavez Ravine featured Ken Forsch squaring off with future Hall of Famer Don Sutton. Forsh pitched a gem of a game and had a 2-1 lead going into the ninth. However, in the ninth, Ron Cey (“The Penguin”) singled home the tying run and ruining a great opportunity for the Astros to take the NL West outright in the first game. Joe Ferguson, the stout catcher for the Dodgers, drove home the game winner in the following inning with a homerun to lift the Dodgers back to two games out from the lead. This was just the beginning of the fun that was to insue for the rest of the weekend.

Saturday, May 26th, – 9:10pm CST
Bud Norris vs. Chad Billingsley

You wanna talk young talented arms battling each other? This is it, yet another fine matchup for Bud Norris to look forward to. Norris has been one hot pitcher in May, sporting a very nifty .035 ERA for the month. Not bad. Billingsley on the other hand is starting to come around after struggling a bit. It would not surprise me if this one is a throwback game of pitchers going toe to toe and lasting late into the games clinging to a one or two run lead. My money is on Bud and here is hoping the just enough offense nine on Houston’s part gets just that to support Norris in a win.

Flashback to 1980: Talk about veteran war horses squaring off, in the second game of the 1980 series, Nolan Ryan too the hill for the Astros and Jerry Reuss for the Dodgers. Ryan was dealing this day, striking out nine trolley men, but the day game took it’s toll on the fastballer and he lasted only seven innings. Reuss out did Nolan and lasted the entire nine innings and held the Astros to only one run on seven hits. The one run was not enough, as Ryan had allowed two runs for his part. Dodgers win game 2 by the score of 2-1 to pull to one game within the lead with one game to play.

Sunday, May 27th – 3:10pm CST
J.A. Happ vs. TBD

What can one say about Happ that hasn’t already been said a million times (minimum) by Mr. Happy? Well, the fact that his last two starts have been very good and that he now has his own personal catcher in Synder is about all the news anyone needs to know. Synder supposedly called Happ all sorts of names, like “Nancy Boy” and “Sissy Man”, because of his penchant for nibbling at corners way too much. This has led to Happ challenging more hitters and actually getting them out more efficiently too. Now if he can work in some short inning stints along the way, the Astros will have the starter they thought they had when in the trade with the Phillies. And of course what can be said about TBD for the Dodgers? Literally nothing at this point. No word if Mr. Happy is laying down some cash on TBD though, but you never know!

Flashback to 1980: What a game! The starters for this last game of the season were Vern Ruhle for the Astros and Burt “Happy” Hooton for the Dodgers. Houston seemed motivated to get this game put away early, scoring two off Hooton while Ruhle seemed to be in control. But then, after the Astros scored another run to lead 3-0, the Dodgers came roaring back. They scored 2 runs when Ruhle had to leave the game with a cut finger. Joaquin Andujar could not hold the Dodgers back, allowing them to score two runs, the tying run coming on a pinch hit by Manny Mota, who was activated by the club to be eligible to play in the series. Mota was the first base coach at the time. In this game, Jay Johnstone was playing right field for the Dodgers and was going to be removed from the game for a sub by Tommy Lasorda. For some reason, Johnstone was ape-shit over the move and confronted Lasorda in the dugout, wanting to fight. What fun! In the 8th, Steven “The Original Capitan America” Garvey led off with a single and Ron Cey was asked to bunt. He failed miserably at his attempts to move over the Captian 90 feet, so Lasorda had him swing away. Swing he did, hitting a homerun to left off reliever Frank LaCorte. The Dodgers were quickly running out of pitchers and subs, so they had to rely on inigmatic closer Steven Howe to try and lock this one down. He ran into trouble and the Astros looked like they were going to have a big inning in the ninth. But the Dodgers trotted out Don Sutton to face Denny Walling and the ballgame was secure and now the one game playoff was assured.

1980 – One game, winner takes the NL West
Joe Niekro versus Dave Goltz

The press in LA was so sure the Astros had a massive dinosaur size bone stuck in their throat, that this one game was a formality. But they didn’t count on Joseph Franklin Niekro either. Why? I don’t know, Nierko was every bit a reason for the success of the Houston Astros as anyone else, including Nolan Ryan. Joe was a 19 game winner and if he won this one game, he’d be a vaunted 20 game winner in 1980. Still, the press believed the chocking sounds from the Houston bench was too much to ignore. So Joe decided to be bold. He told as many teammates as he could that he was going to win this game. He wasn’t going to lose was more his mantra and that may have kept his teammates in the right frame of mind. From the AP report on the game: “Maybe some of them were disappointed in losing those three in a row that they thought it might be four in a row,” said Niekro. “Before the game, I told them just to get me a few runs and I’d take care of the rest. I told them I wasn’t going to lose the game. I came out here to win.”

The knuckleball specialist said he knew early that he was in for a good game. “The first two innings, the knuckleball was getting over and moving,” the righthander said. “Right then I knew I could handle the Dodgers, even though they’re always capable of that big inning. Later in the game, when we had that big lead, I started throwing mostly fastballs to get ahead of them and then would finish them off with the knuckleball.”

Houston won the game going away, 7-1, aided by the offense provided by Terry Puhl and Art Howe, the other big hero of the day.

“For a game like this, you don’t have to do anything to get up,” said Niekro, the 35-year-old righthander who upped his record to 20-12. “I’ve never been in a game like this and I’ve never been happier. I thank all of the people in Houston and I thank God. I’m so happy.”

No Joe… thank you and rest in peace my good man!


A tribute to Joe Niekro, by the Joe Niekro foundation and narrated by Bob Allen. Nice inclusion of the 1980 game too.

Check out this cool story about Chelsea Baker, a protege of Joe Niekro.

I hate the Cubs.

I should clarify that. I hate what the Cubs represent, the personification of the culture that celebrates losing. You can see the result anytime you scan the stands of a Cub home game – the men, bald, flabby, weak, most of them drunk and boorishly stupid; their women are ugly, demihuman breeding stock for a legion of ineffectual fools whose purpose in life is to throw all their available money at a towering god who eternally mewls and coughs for more sacrifice with no hope of reward.

I hate the Cubs, and their insipid fans. The people who aren’t strong enough to want to win, who have abandoned all hope and entered the domain of Suck for Suck’s sake. Those who applaud at the barest hint of mediocrity, who celebrate the nearness of victory but would spit out its sweetness at first taste for the familiar bitterness of Loss and the comforting blanket of darkness it provides.

Projected Starters:

Monday: Norris (4-1, 3.58) vs. Matt who the hell cares.

I mean, who really cares? If Cub fans don’t care about winning, then why care about the rest of it? What does it matter?

“Oh, the Lovable Losers.” Ridiculous.

“Wait ’til next year!” Nauseating. It’s a vile poison to celebrate loss, to cultivate this acceptance of unwillingness to Fight Back, to attempt to Gain Control of something and then use that Control to build on with some Goal in mind. Cub fans would rather switch than fight, would welcome Castro into Havana, wish that Kennedy had backed down in October 1962.

It’s so very…French.

“Oh, Gaston, nous sommes les adorables perdants!”

“Mais oui, Jacques! Mais oui!”

I hate the Cubs. A belief system like theirs reduces them to culls, in the hope that the infectious weakness they carry can be removed from the herd before it spreads even further. They are garbage, animatronic garbage with excement jammed into crevices for hearts and souls.

I hate the Cubs.

Follow along in the Game Zone, if you dare.

The 16-19 Phillies (last place, NL East) play host to the 15-19 Astros (4^th place, NL Central; last place, AL West) for a two-game series.

I’m a Piranha!

I’m a Pixar fanboi.  I’ve loved almost every movie they’ve put out (looking at you, Cars 2), and I can say without embarrassment that Finding Nemo ranks as one of my favorite movies of all time.  It’s beautifully animated, a great father-son story, has superb music and is side-splitting funny if you let yourself get into it.  There are at least two choke-back-tears moments for me.  I loved it before I had kids, and I’m ecstatic that they like it, too.

The problem is, I don’t want to watch it Every. Fucking. Day.  But I do (or at least 30 minutes of it before the kids’ bedtimes) because they ask politely.  I now know every line, every scene, every joke.  I know what’s going on without watching or paying attention.  And it’s creeping into other areas of my life.

Which is why I can’t stand behind Altuve’s new nickname.  Every time I read or hear “Piranha,” I think of this:

The Altuve?  Fine.  Mr. The Altuve?  Sure.  But please, for my sanity, anything but, “I’m a pi-ra-nha.  I live in da Am-a-zon.”   Because once we go down that road, Mills becomes Marlin.  Wandy is Dory.  Happ is Sharkbait.  Carlos is Mount Wannahockaloogie.

Projected Starters:

Monday: Harrell (2-2, 4.58) vs. Blanton (3-3, 3.24)

Tuesday: TBD (Probably Lyles) vs. Lee (0-1, 2.17)

One of these things is not like the others.

Youthful Indiscretion

I had two best friends growing up.  The three of us did everything together – baseball, basketball, movies, music, whatever we could come up with.  When I was 10, my parents built a garage apartment, and like any good son, I quickly commandeered it for my own purposes.  That’s where we’d meet.  A carpeted, air-conditioned tree-house with Nintendo and a foosball table.  I know, first world problems.

Anyway, we made up games all the time, just being goofy 10-year-olds.  Our favorite was one called the “Sleeping Bag Game,” which in retrospect sounds a lot dirtier than we intended.  Basically, we’d put really loud music on and climb head-first into separate sleeping bags.  We’d then wander around the room and beat the shit out of whatever we came in contact with.  It never got too rough because our movements were restricted by the bags.  There were a few bumps and bruises, but we were 10, so those were shown off as battle scars.

I remember one night in particular.  We’d been scrambling around for a bit and one of my friends called “time,” after which everybody normally stops what they’re doing and crawls out of the sleeping bag to catch some air.  Well, the other guy didn’t hear the timeout, so the two of us watched hilariously while he fumbled about.  We’d make noises across the room and quickly move out of the way to avoid his advances.  Finally, we were getting ready to tell him the joke, when he heard something by the door.  He ran as fast as he could, tripped, and tumbled down the stairs – a purple, satin-finished blob with Nikes sticking out one end and curses coming out the other, quickly moving in one general direction.

For some reason, thinking of Hunter Pence in the Phillies outfield reminded me of this.

Injuries

Astros –

Escalona’s out for the year.

Weiland has a shoulder infection and’ll be back after the AS Break.

Phillies –

De Fratus

Herndon

Howard

Martinez

LaYnce Nix

Stutes

Thome

Utley

Which is why they’re in last place.

Promotions

Monday:

Teva Respiratory Asthma Awareness Night

Phillies Liberty Bell Cap (not half-bad)

Tuesday:

Fans 55 and older get to “stroll the bases.”  After which Teva’s Respiratory Asthma Awareness Night proves its worth.

What to Watch For:

Cliff Lee is good.

The Cocker Spaniel in RF.

Also, the Astros.