On the heels of a rough couple of weeks both home and away, the Astros roll up to Chicago this weekend, providing us with another Chicago team to despise, combined with the added benefit of fewer drunken fuck-up fans to drink our beer and holler distasteful things at our women. I don’t imagine that the ChiSox will do anything to redeem the reputation of Chicago sports fans, but at least they couldn’t possibly make things worse…what? Oh. Oh.
My neighbors to the immediate North Side decided to pull a similar stunt last week, kicking out a couple of the fence posts that separate our properties (or at least separates my property from them), and proceeding to punch in my car window in search of pawnable goodies within. Sucks to be you: good luck pawning a Pelican EP and half a pack of Orbit gum.
Fortunately, my finely tuned ears detected the faint (read: really loud) sound of tempered glass shattering, and I charged into my driveway, Leroy Jenkins-style, prepared to assualt the invaders with my trusty Maglite. The fucker buggered off back through the fence hole and thence to his conveniently located abode. Mintues later, our trusty friends in blue arrived, and after surveying the situation were able to bring out the residents of the North Side for my examination.
The theif couldn’t have been more than 1.1 Altuves tall, and was easy to identify since he was the only motherfucker among them sweating at 5 AM. He’s now in County Pound Me In The Ass Jail, awaiting trial for his felony (he got a bonus because of his priors). Johnny Law also discovered four purloined bicycles belonging to other neighbors, as well as a hearty garden of cannabis in the North Sider’s back yard.
A swift call to their landlord made them recipients of a shiny new eviction notice, and after a tense 10 day standoff they finally left without discovering who had narc’d them out to the landlord. The landlord has since stripped the North Siders house to the studs and begin a full overhaul.
I supposed I could make this an analogy about the Cubs or something, but let’s just simplify things: I’m damned relieved that my neighbors are gone. I’m not going to miss Cubfans and their sensory assault on MMPUS. The South Siders will at least be more begnin in their annual invasions when we’re AL bound. FTC. FTWS.
Friday, June 8th
7:10 CT, US Cellular Field
Wandy Rodriguez (4-4,3.14) v. Gavin Floyd (4-5, 5.23)
Wandy’s trade value has been plummeting over the past few starts, which is fine by me because I like the guy, but I’m sure some sports radio guys are shitting their pants right now, demanding that we trade him for whatever we can. Surely Dom Brown is available now.
Among the Sox, Wandy has literally never gotten Paul Konerko out, and Adam Dunn has two dingers against him.
Gavin Floyd graduated from Choate and Brown, works at an investment bank in Manhattan, and vacays on the Vineyard. HAW! /drops monocole. He’s only ever face Lowrie, who’s 1 for 7 with a double.
Saturday, June 9th
3:10 CT, I guess it’s like the Cricket Mobile of Illinois Field
Jordan Lyles (1-1, 4.59) v. Chris Sale (7-2, 2.30)
Lyles showed flashes of greatness in his last start against the NL Central leading Reds. I’m still of the mind that his ceiling is #3 starter, but every team needs one of those, right? He’s never faced the White Sox before.
Sale is a converted reliever and the best young pitcher that the South Sox have seen since Mark Buehrle. He’ll likely be an All-Star this year. Lowrie is 1 for 1 against him.
Sunday, June 10th
1:10 CT, I mean, is it an all pre-paid phone, or what? Field
Lucas Harrell (5-4, 4.70) v. Phil Humber (2-3, 5.68)
Harrell faces his former team for the first time. Who would’ve thought that he’d be tied for the team lead in wins at this point in the season? Show of hands? Yeah. Me neither. He’s never faced any of the current Sox.
Humber’s reverted to his average since his perfect game. My brother’s former Spanish tutor hasn’t faced any Astros except Castro (just kidding, it’s Lowrie again). Lowrie’s hitting .333 against him.
Injuries
Astros
Abad – If ever a DL trip had a silver lining, it’s this one. Not that his replacements in the pen have done that much better.
Travis Buck – Achilles injury. Oh hubris!
Sergio Escalona – I’m starting to wonder if Escalona ever existed, or if he’s part of a huge collective hallucination.
Marwin Gonzalez – heel injury. Someone should name a fantasy team Marwin’s Finches.
Carlos Lee – This DL trip brought to you by 2013, because this is what it’s going to be like between Lee and Singleton’s eras.
Kyle Weiland – injured while exploring an unknown planet with Charlize Theron.
ChiSox
John Danks – 15 Day DL: left arm injury. Masturbation joke.
Kosuke Fukudome – left oblique injury. Butt sex joke.
Brent Morel – back strain. In AAA until healthy. Gymnastic sex joke.
Prrrrromotions!
Friday: Fireworks, sponsored by Bacardi! Mixing cheap booze and fireworks was never not not a bad a idea.
Sautrday: Father Daughter Day (go with your Weekend Daddy!) and 2005 World Series Commemorative Canvas. Fuckers.
Sunday: Costume Day! A.J. Pierzynski is already dressed like an asshole.
What to watch for:
Fans on the field. Gotta keep your head on a swivel.
A sweep here would be poetic, right?