The 22-25 Astros (4th in NL Central, 3rd in AL West) climb 5,280 feet to take on the 17-29 Rockies (4th in NL West) for a four-game series.
Astros(1) @ Rockies Series Preview
AP (BEAUMONT, TX) –
“I really didn’t know what the darn thing was.”
“One minute it wasn’t here, the next minute it was!”
“Somebody should call somebody.”
Throngs of panic-stricken Beaumontians were asking the tough questions this afternoon, and word of a potential religious uprising in this quiet little Southeast Texas town is spreading quickly across State and International borders.
Monday morning at approximately 6:20am, Billy Farmer, a resident beach fisherman, caught his line on what he thought was the biggest redfish of his career, but what he reeled in might have been the biggest revelation of the 57-year-old’s life.
“It shook me to the very core of my inner being and such,” Farmer recalls. “It’s my duty to share what I have seen.”
At the end of Farmer’s 12-lb monofilament fishing line was a thin, gleaming-white three-ringed binder, pristinely encased in five-inches of bubble wrap and industrial-grade rubber bands. A lone yellow post-it note was attached inside the protective sheath, simply stating, “For strosrays, (expletive).”
“I knew a strosrays back in 1978, but I think he changed his name or something,” says Linda Gatti, a 55-year-old waitress. “And when I say I knew him, I mean I “knew” him, with quotation marks at the left of the k of the word knew and to the right of the w in the word knew. Like this (gestures).”
With the identity of the one named strosrays in question, Farmer opened the binder and read its contents. Inside was a single page of hand-scribbled declarations, with the title, “Series Preview Commandments” underlined twice near the top-left corner.
What “Series” of events this doctrine commands is unknown at the time of this publication, but the following list is both enlightening and soul-shaking. The Associated Press has decided to display the binder’s contents in full, and parental discretion is advised.
Series Preview Commandments
1. Series Previews shall be published on-time, at least one hour before the first pitch of the first game of the series.
2. The standard quota for the word “fuck(1)” is seven per preview, any mention of the word in relation to Commandment #4 does not count.
3. If it’s a Cardinals preview, the “fuck(2)” quota is 26.
4. “Fuck the Cubs” shall be written early and often.
5. Series Previews shall be written under the heavy influence of alcohol.
6. The presence of a gorilla (physical or spiritual) is strongly advised during the writing process.
7. You can write about literally anything you want to. Just say the word “Astros(2)” at least five times.
8. Any positive or negative mention of Kevin Bass’s (redacted) results in immediate suspension.
9. JimR is old.
10. Recaps are for pussies.
US Officials are still analyzing the document and where it came from, but soil analysis has revealed the binder’s origin as somewhere in deep Arkansas. The exact location is still under close review, because nobody really wants to look around too much in fucking(3) Arkansas.
And while the government remains puzzled, Farmer knows exactly where his path leads.
“Fuck the Cubs,” he proclaims.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Astros(3) lose 9-7, day game. Astros(4) lose 7-6 (10), night game.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
No fucking(4) game?!?
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Harrell (4-3) vs Friedrich (2-1)
Thursday, June 1, 2012
Norris (5-1) vs Guthrie (2-3)
Injuries
Astros(5)
Abad – 15-day DL (right intercostal strain)
Escalona – Out for year (left elbow)
Weiland – Out til ASB (right shoulder infection)
Fucking(5) Rockies
Chacin – Measles
De La Rosa – Mumps
Gomez – Hand, Foot, Mouth disease
Hernandez – Mono
Hererra – Shingles
Nelson – Bird Flu
What to watch for:
The new concessions stand at Coors Field. Best brownies in the stadium. They also have lollipops and Reese’s PB Cups. Apparently you have to have a doctor’s note to buy there.
Fuck (6)
Fuck (7)
Follow the action in the GZ!