If the Pirates are a team that has sucked and sucked HARD for the last 20 years, what does it say when the Astros are a game ahead of them in the standings? I don’t know either, but it’s not like this is a celebration, bitches.

It’s the Astros who are regularly joked about in the press, they’re readily compared to a AAA team that took the wrong bus. Maybe the Pirates have been so bad so long that they’ve become the definition instead of receiving the adjective, so other teams like the Astros get the benefit of pent-up snark. Suck it, pundits. Your mom’s got the Hungry-Man ready, time to get out of the bedroom. And put a shirt on first, for god’s sake.

Friday, May 11
6:05 CT, PNC Park

Bud Norris kicked their ass.

Saturday, May 12
6:05 CT, PNC Park

J.A. Happ (2-2, 5.24) v. Charlie Morton (1-3, 4.61)

Happ has been surprisingly effective since coming back up from OKC last season. Not like he was in 2010, mind you, but not the train wreck he was most of last season. The Cards racked him up in his last start, but he should get a much larger margin for error against the Pirates, whose bats have been a great ad for Viagra so far in 2012. McCutchon takes Happ to the woodshed, hitting .364 with 3 homers. Jose Tabata is 1 for 13.

Morton is a lost soul, in search of the Lost Pitch. Carlos hits .348 against him; not much else to see here, move along.

Sunday, May 13
12:35 PM CT, PNC Park

Wandy Rodriguez (3-3, 2.14) v. A.J. Burnett (1-2, 6.08)

The marquee matchup of the weekend is Ace Wandy against former stud A. J. Barnett, who is trying to live down the ‘damaged goods’ label. Barmes is 4 for 10, McGehee hits .360 and Neil Walker hits .429 with a solo homer. McCutchen is hitting .167 against Wandy.

Minus the one meltdown start against the Jakes, Burnett has been strong this season but he pitches for a team that can’t score runs. Burnett owns Lawrie, holding him to .143 over 14 ABs.

Promotions

Saturday it’s the Joel Hanrahan All-Star Bobblehead. Sunday, kids get a Neil Walker replica home jersey; moms get Neil’s Replica Pink Accent home jersey, formerly only seen in Neil’s private grotto when Boy George and Frankie Goes to Hollywood came over.

Injuries

Astros:
Sergio Escalona is out for the season. Weiland is dealing with a right shoulder infection and won’t even begin throwing until June. Or so. Might get back in July.

Bucs:
Bedard is day-to-day with back spasms
Karstens is out for a while with right shoulder inflammation. Try some Aleve and aloe vera if the tobacco juice doesn’t help, you ponce.
Leroux is on the 60-day with a strained pectoral muscle
Nunez is on the 60-day after right ankle surgery

What To Watch For
Hopefully not the AAAA World Series.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

I’m put together beautifully

Big wet bottle in my fist, big red rose in my teeth

I’m perfect piece of ass

Like every Californian

So tall I take over the street, with high-beams shining on my back

A wingspan unbelievable

I’m a festival, I’m a parade

The 10-3 Dodgers mosey into town after squeaking out a 4-3 win in Milwaukee and avoiding a sweep.  That record is good for 1^st in the NL and 2^nd in MLB.  They have the reigning NL Cy Young winner, the best OFer in MLB and a stable of young studs to back them up.

And all the whine is all for me.

I’m the King of Whine.  The Prince of Pout.  The Wizard of the Whimper.  The motherfucking Grandmaster of Gripe.  When you have two kids under the age of three, you’re around it a lot.  And like a two-year-old who just shit his underoos, I can find something to bitch about in almost anything.  But I don’t, or at least try not to.  Because of Ted Knight.

There’s a movie quote that has followed me around for the majority of my life.  At first, I thought it was funny – I even liked the attention it brought me.  It was an easy ice-breaker for awkward introductions, kinda like – “Hey, I like that movie too!”  But high school hit and it got old quick.  “Ha ha, very clever.  Never heard that before.”  And college made it fucking unbearable.  Seemed like every dude I met was a comedian.  I even swore off the classic film for a few years.

But I couldn’t shake it.  It was embedded in my soul.  Six ordinary words tattooed across my face, staring back at me in all the world’s mirrors.  Flipping channels at night – that scene was on.  Reading RB’s Nationals Preview this week – it’s there.

Because when your last name is Spalding, “You’ll get nothing and like it!” is inevitable.  Death, taxes and Judge Smails.  But Caddyshack taught me well – I like this Astros team, and they haven’t given me shit.

And I’m not whining.

Friday, 4/20

Lilly (1-0, 0.00) vs J.A. Happ (1-0, 3.75)

Lilly started the season on the DL and went seven scoreless in his return.  He’s 7-3 with a 2.64 era in 15 career starts vs. Houston.

Happ has been better than expected so far this year, with a 13:5 K/BB ratio and two quality starts under his belt.  Should’ve won his last game.

Saturday, 4/21

Kershaw (0-0, 2.35) vs Weiland (0-2, 8.44)

The reigning NL Cy Young winner has allowed just four earned runs in his three starts this year – three of them in his last game.

Weiland follows up his Strasburg start with another stud opponent, and will still be looking for his first MLB win after this game.

Sunday 4/22

TBD (0-0, 0.00) vs Wandy (0-2, 1.96)

On paper, TBD is every bit as good as Ted Lilly this year, but with less run support.  I still think he’s a cocksucker.

Wandy hopes 6 unearned runs will be good enough for the win this go-around.

Promotions

Friday 4/20

First 10,000 fans get to play “I Spy a Bloodshot Eye” and beat up hippies.  They also get replica Colt .45s jerseys, but the hippie bashing is the real draw.  Also, fireworks.

Saturday 4/21

First 10,000 fans get a green Astros hat to remind them that our colors are Red & Black and used to be Navy & Orange.  I don’t really understand it, but maybe GBB has an explanation.

Sunday 4/22

First 10,000 fans get a Methodist Hospital grocery bag for some reason.  Next week is H-E-B Catheters.  Also, $1 Ice Cream Cones for any leftover hippies.

Injuries

Dodgers:

Todd Coffey wasn’t held enough as a child.

Ivan De Jesus was held too much.

Rubby De La Rosa’s parents gave him a funny name.

Blake Hawksworth was raised by predatory birds.

Juan Uribe has a sore wrist from the obligatory masturbation joke.

Astros:

Sergio Escalona is Alberto Arias.

What to Watch For

Friday’s sixth-inning Hippie Race, in which three contestants chase a turtle coated in Cheetos crumbs.  I’m betting on the turtle.

Brad Mills and I got together yesterday to come up with a motivation strategy – something to lighten the mood after tough losses.  Something that will draw the team together and give them a common enemy.  He’s presenting this to the team before Friday’s game in the clubhouse, but I thought I’d give you guys a sneak preview.

For every Astros loss, a piece gets peeled away.  I’ll update the picture when the season ends.

Finally, if you were hoping for something – anything – baseball related from this Preview, you clearly skipped the part at the top that says “Posted by Ebby Calvin.”

Follow the action in the GameZone.