My turn to do a preview already? Against the Marlins? Again? And it’s at home? No stadium jokes? Fuck. Well, here goes: The Florida Marlins of Miami employ both Ozzie Guillen and Carlos Zambrano, and said employer is represented by the shittiest owner in MLB, including Drayton and Kim Jong Steinbrenn-Un. Everything else I know about Miami involves slow cooked pork and Elmore Leonard novels.
I have to check the calendar every year to see if the Marlins are good; odd year = good, even year = bad. Fortunately, that puts us in a bad year, so hopefully we can beat up on these suntanned fuckers but good.
Monday, May 7th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Carlos Zambrano (0-2 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, 2.53) v. Wandy Rodriguez (3-2, 1.64)
The Fat Fucking Fucker hasn’t won yet this year, though he’s pitched pretty well. Still, fuck him with a hurricane. Among current Astros, El Caballo has five homers and a 1.122 OPS against him; collectively, the team hits .306 against Z. Let’s leave him fucking winless.
Wandy’s done okay, I guess. /looks around for BBG’s. Hanley Ramirez hits Wandy well, to the tune of 1.087 OPS and some dingers. Logan Morrison’s adamantium skeleton hits him well too. Zambrano himself has 6 K’s against Wandy, so none of that hero bullshit tonight.
Tuesday, May 8th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Anibal Sanchez (2-0, 2.43) v. Aneury Rodriguez (0-0, 0.00)
Annabelle is a secretly great pitcher. If there were Marlins fans, I’d feel sorry for them that he gets overlooked at a national level, but they don’t exist so whatever. Among the starters, Big Johnson and J.D. Martinez hit him best, but overall it’s bubkis. The Astros have never homered off Sanchez.
Aneury gets the call for the spot start in Weiland’s spot, which is mystifying since he’s arguably the fourth best starter at OKC. I’d assume that there’s some service time reason. Consider the 0.00 ERA a formality. That said, none of the current Marlins have gotten a hit off of him. Small sample size (5 AB) will do that.
Wednesday, May 9th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Josh Johnson (0-3, 6.61) v. Lucas Harrel (2-2, 4.76)
The Marlins’ erstwhile ace has had a rough go of it in 2012. He’s still got good stuff, though. Against current Astros, only Carlos has had any AB’s against him, going .500 with a homer. Everyone else gets to see him all brand new and shiny.
Harrell’s getting it done so far, albiet messily. So long as he can get deep into the game, that’s good enough. Several Marlins have hit him well in a small sample size, but only Giancarlo Stanton has an extra base hit (a double) off him.
Injuries
(FOR YOUR FANTASY TEAM!)
Astros:
Sergio Escalona: Tommy Juan surgery
Kyle Weiland: elbow infection. That’s a weird whorehouse he went to.
Rhiner Cruz: rehabbing a sore ankle.
Fishies:
Jose Ceda: Also Tommy Juan.
Prrromotions!
Monday: Pink Pashmina Scarf. I’m vacillating between something self-deprecating about my fashion sense (I’d wear it!) and my sheer horror at the thought that this made it all the way through the marketing department without someone once saying, “why the fuck are we giving away old lady shawls at a baseball game?” Choose whichever suits you.
Tuesday: Double Play Tuesdays. Which I assume means that Jason Castro bats third.
Wednesday: Price Matters Days, presented by HEB. No shit, HEB.
What to Watch For
Big Z getting taken to the woodshed.
Aneury’s Excellent ERA Adventure
Mr. The Altuve, Sir. Have you given him your All-Star vote? Why the hell not?