I’m put together beautifully
Big wet bottle in my fist, big red rose in my teeth
I’m perfect piece of ass
Like every Californian
So tall I take over the street, with high-beams shining on my back
A wingspan unbelievable
I’m a festival, I’m a parade
The 10-3 Dodgers mosey into town after squeaking out a 4-3 win in Milwaukee and avoiding a sweep. That record is good for 1st in the NL and 2nd in MLB. They have the reigning NL Cy Young winner, the best OFer in MLB and a stable of young studs to back them up.
And all the whine is all for me.
I’m the King of Whine. The Prince of Pout. The Wizard of the Whimper. The motherfucking Grandmaster of Gripe. When you have two kids under the age of three, you’re around it a lot. And like a two-year-old who just shit his underoos, I can find something to bitch about in almost anything. But I don’t, or at least try not to. Because of Ted Knight.
There’s a movie quote that has followed me around for the majority of my life. At first, I thought it was funny – I even liked the attention it brought me. It was an easy ice-breaker for awkward introductions, kinda like – “Hey, I like that movie too!” But high school hit and it got old quick. “Ha ha, very clever. Never heard that before.” And college made it fucking unbearable. Seemed like every dude I met was a comedian. I even swore off the classic film for a few years.
But I couldn’t shake it. It was embedded in my soul. Six ordinary words tattooed across my face, staring back at me in all the world’s mirrors. Flipping channels at night – that scene was on. Reading RB’s Nationals Preview this week – it’s there.
Because when your last name is Spalding, “You’ll get nothing and like it!” is inevitable. Death, taxes and Judge Smails. But Caddyshack taught me well – I like this Astros team, and they haven’t given me shit.
And I’m not whining.
Friday, 4/20
Lilly (1-0, 0.00) vs J.A. Happ (1-0, 3.75)
Lilly started the season on the DL and went seven scoreless in his return. He’s 7-3 with a 2.64 era in 15 career starts vs. Houston.
Happ has been better than expected so far this year, with a 13:5 K/BB ratio and two quality starts under his belt. Should’ve won his last game.
Saturday, 4/21
Kershaw (0-0, 2.35) vs Weiland (0-2, 8.44)
The reigning NL Cy Young winner has allowed just four earned runs in his three starts this year – three of them in his last game.
Weiland follows up his Strasburg start with another stud opponent, and will still be looking for his first MLB win after this game.
Sunday 4/22
TBD (0-0, 0.00) vs Wandy (0-2, 1.96)
On paper, TBD is every bit as good as Ted Lilly this year, but with less run support. I still think he’s a cocksucker.
Wandy hopes 6 unearned runs will be good enough for the win this go-around.
Promotions
Friday 4/20
First 10,000 fans get to play “I Spy a Bloodshot Eye” and beat up hippies. They also get replica Colt .45s jerseys, but the hippie bashing is the real draw. Also, fireworks.
Saturday 4/21
First 10,000 fans get a green Astros hat to remind them that our colors are Red & Black and used to be Navy & Orange. I don’t really understand it, but maybe GBB has an explanation.
Sunday 4/22
First 10,000 fans get a Methodist Hospital grocery bag for some reason. Next week is H-E-B Catheters. Also, $1 Ice Cream Cones for any leftover hippies.
Injuries
Dodgers:
Todd Coffey wasn’t held enough as a child.
Ivan De Jesus was held too much.
Rubby De La Rosa’s parents gave him a funny name.
Blake Hawksworth was raised by predatory birds.
Juan Uribe has a sore wrist from the obligatory masturbation joke.
Astros:
Sergio Escalona is Alberto Arias.
What to Watch For
Friday’s sixth-inning Hippie Race, in which three contestants chase a turtle coated in Cheetos crumbs. I’m betting on the turtle.
Brad Mills and I got together yesterday to come up with a motivation strategy – something to lighten the mood after tough losses. Something that will draw the team together and give them a common enemy. He’s presenting this to the team before Friday’s game in the clubhouse, but I thought I’d give you guys a sneak preview.
For every Astros loss, a piece gets peeled away. I’ll update the picture when the season ends.
Finally, if you were hoping for something – anything – baseball related from this Preview, you clearly skipped the part at the top that says “Posted by Ebby Calvin.”
Follow the action in the GameZone.