I don’t get much sleep.  Didn’t get a lot before I had kids, get even less now.  It’s not for worry or stress or any physical ailment – I just don’t need more than five hours to operate properly.  And if I don’t need all that sleep, why waste several hours a day with my eyes shut?  I can use that precious alone time to take classes or exercise or clean the house.  Or I could watch late night television.

Late night television has evolved from the spray-on hair and Chuck Norris ab-machine infomercials.  Maybe “evolved” isn’t the right word – that implies progress.  I’ll use “expanded” instead, that’s better.  You can still find obnoxious people hawking their wares on many channels – but there’s now a whole new spectrum of idiocy being broadcast to insomniacs and late-night baby-feeders.

Do you like cake?  Of course you do – everybody likes cake!  Guess what – there are no less than 45 reality cake-making shows to watch.

How about truckers – like them too?  Great!  Check out Ice Swamp Truckers or Llama Bean Haulers or whatever Noun Noun Professionals cable television has discovered in the last two weeks.

I got really excited the other night when I came across what I thought to be a multi-part documentary on the horrors of playing shortstop for the 2007 Astros.  I was envisioning in-depth interviews with Adam Everrett and Carlos Lee, but it turned out to be some really intense Alaskan crab-fishing show.

Anyway, I get tired of all that shit, and unless the Astros are on the West Coast my options are essentially poker or alphabetic cop show reruns.  So I started recording Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations reruns.  It’s an interesting program, and it’s cool to see new places and follow the natives’ customs.  I’ve been a fan for a while.

The other night I watched the Namibia special.  I won’t butcher Namibia’s culture or history by pretending I learned something about either.  It’s in Africa, that’s about all I know.  At some point, Bourdain flies out to literal BFE to hang out with a small tribe of Bushmen.  They wear loincloths and live off the land and eat anything they can hunt or gather – like the wild warthog they killed that day.

Bourdain describes it as the worst meal he’s ever had in his life, and I believe him.  The warthog head was delicately prepared by hacking it off and shoving it into an ash pile for a couple hours.  The other parts – limbs, stomach, heart, etc – eaten al dente.  And the delicacy – the part generously offered to the lanky visitor – was the rectum, shit barely squeezed out.  Bourdain graciously swallows all of it and thanks the tribesmen for their hospitality – but the expression on his face betrays his words.  He’s clearly disgusted.  He’s having to ingest something foreign and raw, and there’s nothing he can do about it.  He wants to get the hell out of the desert and back to reality.  He feels…just like Astros fans feel this season, staring up at the Pirates in the standings.  It’s like eating unwashed, lukewarm pig rectum, shit barely squeezed out.

But hey, good for them. Sure, they’re dirty.  Yes, they’re behind the times.  And smelly.  And toothless.  They talk funny, too.  But it’s difficult – even tacky – to hold it against them.  It’s nice to see such an impoverished people enjoy their feast.  Good for the Pirates.

Projected Starters

Tuesday, June 14.  7:05pm @ MMPUS

Jeff Karstens (3-4, 2.94) vs. Bud Norris (4-4, 3.67)

Karstens is a Red Raider, which means he’s one of the few who can count Pittsburgh as a hometown upgrade.  He’s been pretty salty his last two starts, going seven strong against both the Phils and the DBags.  He doesn’t strike out a lot of batters, but he has only seven walks on the season (54.1 IP).  He hasn’t faced the Astros yet this season.

The Norris took a no-no into the 7^th vs the Turds last week and he’s won his last two.  He took the loss to the Pyroots on May 7, but that was after a 7IP, 3ER, 9K line.  This matchup looks to be a pretty darn good one.

Wednesday, June 15.  7:05pm @ MMPUS

Charlie Morton (6-3, 3.08) vs. J.A.H.A.P.P. (3-8, 5.04)

Morton grew up in a large family on the outskirts of Flemington, NJ.  He was the youngest of eight brothers and often overlooked as a child.  The older seven were a tight-knit group and rambunctious – little Charlie just got in the way.  So he spent most of his time watching Spanish novellas on the old black-and-white in the storeroom of his father’s hardware shop (Charlie’s father, Ignacio, thought the women were beautiful).  Charlie loved the garish clothes the actors wore and vowed, at the age of nine, to be a seamstress when he grows up.  It’s a dream he carries to this day, and his locker is often draped with bright pink and turquoise and yellow linens – a testament to a childhood fantasy that will come true some day.  Some day.

Jay Happ (ahhh, much better) got roughed up the Jakes last week, but the bullpen allowed two or three of those.  He got roughed up the week before vs the Padres, and I’ll assume the ‘pen fucked him there, too.  Ummm, other than that he’s been ok, I guess.  Hell, you watch the games, I can’t sugar-coat everything, I don’t want to lose credibility.

Thursday, June 16.  1:05pm @ MMPUS.

James McDonald (4-4, 4.80) vs. Jordan Lyles (0-1, 4.15)

McDonald threw six scoreless vs the Astros in May, so he’s due to get lit up.  At one point his ERA was over 10, but he’s slowly worked it back down to respectability.  Shit, I’m just looking at a stat sheet.  I see a lot of sixes and a lot of twos.  Put it this way – he’s not Cliff Lee and he’s not Brandon Lyon.  Could go either way.

Lyles makes his fourth start and he’s done pretty well for a 20-year-old.  Think back to when you were 20.  You weren’t doing this.  I sure as hell wasn’t.

Injuries

Pirates – Alvarez, Beimel, Crotta, Doumit, Harrison, Hart, Meek, Ohlendorf, Pearce, Snyder.  Masturbation joke.

Astros – Arias, Castro, Q.  That’s it??  Really?

Promotions

Price Matters for all three.  9 Inning Lunch Break on Thursday.  Meh.

Odds & Ends

Fuck the AL.  We ain’t goin’ and you can’t make us.

25 Years

Astros vs. Braves series preview, part 2 (June 11, 2011).

While there are a lot of things to write about regarding the game tonight, I find myself coming back to the same topic: Brownie and JD. Probably doesn’t hurt that it is Broadcaster Bobblehead night, or that the Astros will be celebrating Bill Brown’s 25^th year with the club, but thoughts of the Astros broadcasters have been with me a lot this year.

While I am a big Vin Sculy fan, and find myself tuning into an occasional Bob Uecker broadcast as well, I cannot imagine a better team of broadcasters for the Houston Astros than Bill Brown and Jim Deshaies (with the occasional dash of Greg Lucas into the mix). Sure, they are very good at what they do, but it is something more than that.  To an extent, they have become extended family.

Every April through September, we invite them into our home and spend a couple of hours with them.  Personally, I’m always glad to see them, and miss ‘em like hell those four to five months a year they go on hiatus during the off-season.  In a weird way, they also tie us together.  Even when my mom is out of town and unable to watch a game on TV, I’ll still get texts asking about how the Astros did, but the primary questions are almost always about what humorous diversions JD and Brownie came up with for the evening.  There is always something to report, they never seem to disappoint.

I haven’t a clue what changes new ownership is going to make to the team, but if I had to chose one thing, and one thing only, to keep the same, it would be the combo of Brownie and JD in the booth (though I’d at least urge them to keep Bagwell’s Saturday home game appearances in the mix as well…).

Thank you for an entertaining 25 years Bill Brown, I hope there are plenty more to come!

Minute Maid Park:

Lyles vs. Minor:  Saturday, June 12, 6:05 p.m (Central).

20-year old Jordan Lyles makes his home debut for the Good Guys in this, his 3^rd major league start.  He’ll be matching up against 23-year old LHP Mike Minor, who will be making his 13^th major league appearance (12 starts).  Minor is 0-2 on the season with a 5.06 ERA, 1.68 WHIP, and a .388 BAA. He has faced the Astros once in his career (2010), and got a no-decision in 6 innings, allowing 5 hits, 4 runs, 3 earned runs, a walk, and 5 strikeouts. Brett Wallace is 1-2 against Minor with a double, but of course he will almost certainly be on the bench because, well, Minor is a LHP and that would be Mills’ MO for the 2011 season.

Injury report:

The Good Guys are still without the services of Castro and Q behind the dish and Wandy and Arias in front of it.  Hunter left last nights game with tightness in his lower back, but is in the lineup tonight for Houston.

Amazingly, the Braves DL does not include one Larry Wayne Jones.  It is littered with the likes of Martin Prado (“staph” infection, so they say), Nate McLouth and Brandon Beachy (strained each others “obliques,” if you buy into the Braves reporting anyway), Jayson Heyward (sore shoulder), and Peter Moylan (bulging “disk,” uh-huh).

Promotions:

Tonight is a Coca-Cola Value Zone night (as are every Friday and Saturday night in 2011), which means for $20 one receives a Mezzanine ticket, hot dog, 20 ounce Coca-Cola product and an Astros cap.

The real story on promotions is, however, this Brownie and JD Broadcaster Bobblehead (in case you’re wondering which is which, its on the right), which will be presented to the first 10,000 fans.  I know you’re probably thinking there is no way that the Astros will draw 10,000 fans, so you should be able to pick one up whenever you show up to the game, but such thoughts would be in error.  Brownie and JD Bobblehead people – that there is reason enough for even the most idiotic of Houston fans (yes, I realize the import of this comment) to show up for.

Discussion:

Though its been a tad slow in the Game Zone as of late, this is a Lyles start and Bagwell will be in the booth, so I’d imagine there’ll be plenty of banter there this evening.

I don’t understand what it is about my job that causes me to be buried with work the day or two leading up to my turn to write previews, but it never fails. So I’m writing this at the last second again, but this time, I’m REALLY under the gun so this is going to be quick, to the point, and probably nonsensical.

If you’ve been living under a rock for the last few days (I’m looking at you JackAstro… STILL waiting for that cushy job offer), you’re probably not aware that the Astros pecker-slapped the stupid fucking Cubs to the tune of a three game sweep at Condemned Wrigley Field. Despite all that excitement, the Astros are still in the NL Central cellar, and they’re headed to visit their West Coast counterparts. I imagine that a constant loop of Yakkity Sax could be played over the highlights of this series, and it wouldn’t see at all out of place.

Petco Park

Thursday, June 2nd, 9:05 pm FS-H HD, DirecTV-678 | MLB.TV

Friday, June 3rd, 9:05 pm FS-H HD, DirecTV-678 | MLB.TV

Saturday, June 4th7:35 pm FS-H HD, DirecTV-678 | MLB.TV

Sunday, June 5th, 5:35pm,  MLB.TV

Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Thursday

Bud Norris (2-4, 3.76 ERA) v. Tim Stauffer (1-3, 3.60 ERA)

Shitty beer versus TV dinners.

The Fathers hit .229 against Bud. The Good Guys hit .294 against Stauffer in limited at bats (6-17).

Friday

JA Happ (3-6, 4.66 ERA) v. Dustin Moseley (1-6, 3.18 ERA)

Shitty ERA versus Even Shittier Record.

The Padres hit .242 as a team against JA. The Astros hit .313 against Dustin Meoeseleye.

Saturday

Anuery Rodriguez (0-2, 5.40 ERA) v. Aaron Harang (5-2, 3.88 ERA)

Horrific spelling of first name versus horrific looking half man/half ape.

Anuery has never faced the Pads. The Astros knock the Harangatang around to the tune of .326 as a team.

Sunday

Jordan Lyles (0-0, 2.57 ERA) v. Mat Latos (3-6, 3.97 ERA)

Victim of being called up early due to plenty of shitty starting pitching versus victim of letter theft. I suspect one of those goddamn Nix brothers with all the extra letters they’ve got stowed in their names.

Jordan, obvious has never faced San Diego. Latos has owned Houston, with a .185 BA against (10-54).

Promotional Giveaways This Series

Friday is Sample Downtown Day at Petco. Apparently you can go and taste food and drinks from local eateries before the game. Sounds pretty sweet.

Saturday, the first 25,000 fans are getting Garden Gnomes. Fuck you, I’m not making this up. Look!

Sunday, Padres Ice Cream Bowl Replica Mini-Helmets for the kiddos.

Injury Update Time!

Astros:

Alberto Arias – still out with shoulder problems.

Boojwah – about to start his rehab assignment in AAA.

Castro – his knee is still blowed up.

Lyon – Tendonitis in his biceps and partial rotator cuff tear. Maybe back in July? Maybe Pa will take him out back behind the barn and we’ll get a new reliever for our birthday!

Q – due back in mid-June from an ankle sprain.

Wandy – discomfort in his left elbow. Should back in in mid-June.

Padres:

Mike Baxter – Thrown off a bridge by Jack Black dressed as a biker. Due back in mid-June.

Jarrett Hoffpauir – 60 days on the DL for a sore right quad!? Does Hoffpauir mean pussy in some foreign language I don’t know?

Orlando Hudson – Suffering from depression someone finally told him he isn’t actually related to Kate Hudson.

Cameron Maybin – Patellar tendinitis. There’s nothing funny about patellar tendinitis. What is it again?

Joe Thatcher – Suffering from depression after someone mistook him for Margaret Thatcher in the locker room.

Other Stuff

First: Fuck The Cubs Hope that broomstick across your drunk bitch tits didn’t sting too much, you bunch of assholes.

Second: Sorry for mailing this one in, but I really got buried today. Stupid work always gets in the way of entertaining you guys.

Third: This article is pretty awesome.

Now that you’re done reading, bitch about how short and lacking in information it was in The Gamezone!