Bud Selig at the podium
The biggest Astros highlight of the week has already happened, and it happened not on a baseball diamond, but in a climate-controlled soundstage in New York at the MLB draft. While next years’ draft, with its probable top-5 pick will produce even more scrutiny and hype, this year’s draft had its share, too.
We got some UConn Huskie (like his jeans say) outfielder whose closest MLB comp is our very own Face of the Franchise, Hunter “Hit Like Jimmie Foxx, Field Like Redd Foxx” Pence. I’m excited that he’s supposedly a slugger, but the bastard better have a head on his shoulders, or else we’ll have two Golden Retrievers patrolling the outfield at MMP and pissing on the rug.
In today’s draft, we got the pitchers that everyone was bitching about us not drafting yesterday. Fuck that noise. There wasn’t a Strausberg to be found this year, at Strausberg prices or otherwise. Be happy with 30 homers in 2015, you dumb fucks. First person to say “Uncle Jimmy” gets a kick in the nuts.
Still waiting for Justice’s engorged ego to spooge out the requisite “Why didn’t they draft Jungmann” column. Also waiting for 2013, when Jungmann gets Tommy John and retires to go sell Chevys for Buddy Garrity, and Justice is writing “Isn’t this Springer kid fun to watch” columns by the bushel.
Tuesday, June 7th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Jake Westbrook (5-3, 5.15) v. Brett Myers (2-4, 4.82)
Jake the Erstwhile Indian has seen the Astros infrequently, with a mild amount of pounding, just like a Cinemax flick. Carlos, Hunter, and Wallace all hit over .400 against him. He also looks like the kind of asshole who’d pour you a weak drink because he doesn’t want to share his “top shelf” Macallen 12. I went to a wedding this weekend where the whiskey was poured generously into wine glasses instead of highballs. That’s a damn celebration.
Myers. Scraggly chinned bastard better be hurt. That’s all I can say. I loved his gutsy 2010 campaign, so this year is just hard to digest. Pujols, Tyler Greene, and Skippy Schumacher all hit him pretty well. But the once and former Puma is only .167 against him, so that’s pretty good.
Wednesday, June 8th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Jaime “Jamie” Garcia (6-1, 3.05) v. Bud “Dub” Norris 3-4, 3.95)
Garcia is one of those frustrating Jake pitchers who you’d love to have in your own rotation, but is an absolute asshole to face. Still, Hunter’s one hit off of him is a dinger, and Angel Sanchez loves his weak-ass shit, at least half the time.
Budly continues to string together good starts, but I kinda have the feeling that he’s reached his peak as a starter. Which isn’t all bad, and not entirely unlike the expectations for him coming up. Against the Jakes, he’s notoriously good. Rasmus and Pujols are both .250 or lower against him.
Thursday, June 9th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Lance Lynn (0-1, 8.44) v. J.A. Happ (3-7, 4.65)
Lynn looks like he just got caught masturbating to Xena on Channel 39. And he pitches like a wanker, too. He’s their 1st rounder from 2008, so obviously the Duncan Magic Touch just isn’t working yet. He hasn’t faced the ‘stros yet, and the less said about that, the better.
Happ’s having a rough year, but he’s pitching better than his numbers indicate, for what that’s worth. Let’s just call him Wandy 2.0 and move on. Molina and something called Allen Craig hit him well, but Schumacher and The Riot are sub-Mendoza.
Astros:
Alberto Arias: recording his comeback album with Rick Rubin
Jason Castro: resumed baseball drills. This comes via Ron Brand, who’s almost as old as Jim, so who knows if it’s really Castro or just his male nurse who’s playing catcher.
Brandon Lyon: rehabbing the injury to his Suck Muscle.
Humberto Quintero: The worst injury to this team all season. You know I’m not joking.
Wandy Rodriguez: Scheduled for a rehab start tomorrow night.
Co-Ards:
Bryan Augenstein: strained groin. From masturbating to Cleopatra 2525.
Lance Berkman: sprained right wrist. From trying to stop the back door from slapping him on the ass on the way out.
David Freese: Broken left hand. From masturbating to Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.
Matt Holliday: strained quads. From asskicking received from Bruce Campbell for masturbating to Jack of All Trades.
Gerald Laid: Broken finger. From masturbating to M.A.N.T.I.S
Kyle McClellan: strained hip flexor. From masturbating (poorly) to Renegade, starring Lorenzo Lamas.
Nick Punto: Right forearm flexor strain. Hit off a tee recently. I think we all know what that means: Masturbating to Babylon 5.
Adam Wainwright: ligament damage in throwing elbow. Masturbating to Highlander.
Thursday: free haircut coupons. They were going to do a cup of soup and a free hat.
What to Watch For:
My lazy ass at the game tonight. If I’m sitting in front of Patti again, I’ll be the one mouthing “Chuck can blow me”
Pujols probably going yard.
Some great baserunning by the Cards. Fucking Towles.