I don’t get much sleep. Didn’t get a lot before I had kids, get even less now. It’s not for worry or stress or any physical ailment – I just don’t need more than five hours to operate properly. And if I don’t need all that sleep, why waste several hours a day with my eyes shut? I can use that precious alone time to take classes or exercise or clean the house. Or I could watch late night television.
Late night television has evolved from the spray-on hair and Chuck Norris ab-machine infomercials. Maybe “evolved” isn’t the right word – that implies progress. I’ll use “expanded” instead, that’s better. You can still find obnoxious people hawking their wares on many channels – but there’s now a whole new spectrum of idiocy being broadcast to insomniacs and late-night baby-feeders.
Do you like cake? Of course you do – everybody likes cake! Guess what – there are no less than 45 reality cake-making shows to watch.
How about truckers – like them too? Great! Check out Ice Swamp Truckers or Llama Bean Haulers or whatever Noun Noun Professionals cable television has discovered in the last two weeks.
I got really excited the other night when I came across what I thought to be a multi-part documentary on the horrors of playing shortstop for the 2007 Astros. I was envisioning in-depth interviews with Adam Everrett and Carlos Lee, but it turned out to be some really intense Alaskan crab-fishing show.
Anyway, I get tired of all that shit, and unless the Astros are on the West Coast my options are essentially poker or alphabetic cop show reruns. So I started recording Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations reruns. It’s an interesting program, and it’s cool to see new places and follow the natives’ customs. I’ve been a fan for a while.
The other night I watched the Namibia special. I won’t butcher Namibia’s culture or history by pretending I learned something about either. It’s in Africa, that’s about all I know. At some point, Bourdain flies out to literal BFE to hang out with a small tribe of Bushmen. They wear loincloths and live off the land and eat anything they can hunt or gather – like the wild warthog they killed that day.
Bourdain describes it as the worst meal he’s ever had in his life, and I believe him. The warthog head was delicately prepared by hacking it off and shoving it into an ash pile for a couple hours. The other parts – limbs, stomach, heart, etc – eaten al dente. And the delicacy – the part generously offered to the lanky visitor – was the rectum, shit barely squeezed out. Bourdain graciously swallows all of it and thanks the tribesmen for their hospitality – but the expression on his face betrays his words. He’s clearly disgusted. He’s having to ingest something foreign and raw, and there’s nothing he can do about it. He wants to get the hell out of the desert and back to reality. He feels…just like Astros fans feel this season, staring up at the Pirates in the standings. It’s like eating unwashed, lukewarm pig rectum, shit barely squeezed out.
But hey, good for them. Sure, they’re dirty. Yes, they’re behind the times. And smelly. And toothless. They talk funny, too. But it’s difficult – even tacky – to hold it against them. It’s nice to see such an impoverished people enjoy their feast. Good for the Pirates.
Projected Starters
Tuesday, June 14. 7:05pm @ MMPUS
Jeff Karstens (3-4, 2.94) vs. Bud Norris (4-4, 3.67)
Karstens is a Red Raider, which means he’s one of the few who can count Pittsburgh as a hometown upgrade. He’s been pretty salty his last two starts, going seven strong against both the Phils and the DBags. He doesn’t strike out a lot of batters, but he has only seven walks on the season (54.1 IP). He hasn’t faced the Astros yet this season.
The Norris took a no-no into the 7th vs the Turds last week and he’s won his last two. He took the loss to the Pyroots on May 7, but that was after a 7IP, 3ER, 9K line. This matchup looks to be a pretty darn good one.
Wednesday, June 15. 7:05pm @ MMPUS
Charlie Morton (6-3, 3.08) vs. J.A.H.A.P.P. (3-8, 5.04)
Morton grew up in a large family on the outskirts of Flemington, NJ. He was the youngest of eight brothers and often overlooked as a child. The older seven were a tight-knit group and rambunctious – little Charlie just got in the way. So he spent most of his time watching Spanish novellas on the old black-and-white in the storeroom of his father’s hardware shop (Charlie’s father, Ignacio, thought the women were beautiful). Charlie loved the garish clothes the actors wore and vowed, at the age of nine, to be a seamstress when he grows up. It’s a dream he carries to this day, and his locker is often draped with bright pink and turquoise and yellow linens – a testament to a childhood fantasy that will come true some day. Some day.
Jay Happ (ahhh, much better) got roughed up the Jakes last week, but the bullpen allowed two or three of those. He got roughed up the week before vs the Padres, and I’ll assume the ‘pen fucked him there, too. Ummm, other than that he’s been ok, I guess. Hell, you watch the games, I can’t sugar-coat everything, I don’t want to lose credibility.
Thursday, June 16. 1:05pm @ MMPUS.
James McDonald (4-4, 4.80) vs. Jordan Lyles (0-1, 4.15)
McDonald threw six scoreless vs the Astros in May, so he’s due to get lit up. At one point his ERA was over 10, but he’s slowly worked it back down to respectability. Shit, I’m just looking at a stat sheet. I see a lot of sixes and a lot of twos. Put it this way – he’s not Cliff Lee and he’s not Brandon Lyon. Could go either way.
Lyles makes his fourth start and he’s done pretty well for a 20-year-old. Think back to when you were 20. You weren’t doing this. I sure as hell wasn’t.
Injuries
Pirates – Alvarez, Beimel, Crotta, Doumit, Harrison, Hart, Meek, Ohlendorf, Pearce, Snyder. Masturbation joke.
Astros – Arias, Castro, Q. That’s it?? Really?
Promotions
Price Matters for all three. 9 Inning Lunch Break on Thursday. Meh.
Odds & Ends
Fuck the AL. We ain’t goin’ and you can’t make us.