Like two skydivers without secondary chutes, two teams are meeting on the way down. Their problems are unique: one is shedding the best owner it’s ever had in a cloud of acrimony and budget-slashing, while the other has an owner whose end of ownership trials includes an actual trial, with hookers and everything. So here’s your visual preview of the series:
Live from the Chavez Ravine!
Like everybody else, I’m enjoying watching the kids play, which makes the presence of hacks like Fulchino and Abad all the more infuriating. I wish we had Bullpen Tinkerer Ed Wade back.
I stared at the blank screen for an hour before I could force myself to starting writing this preview.
Also, how quick before they paste J.D. Martinez’s face on one of the old Hunter Pence banners outside MMPUS?
If this seems scattershot, that’s because it is.
How many runs/wins better is Jordan Lyles if we cloned Barmes and installed him at all the infield positions?
I’m 3 for 4 as a mentor. So far. And it’s breaking my heart. I saw the fourth kid for what will likely be the last time in a long time at Sunday’s game. I can’t stop thinking about that game, the island in the sea of sadness and hurt and fucked up shit in his life.
That’s what every game should be. And what no game should have to be.
Screw it. Let’s stay up late and watch baseball.
Friday, August 12th
9:10 CT, Dojer Stadium
Bud Norris (5-8, 3.73) v. Nathan Eovaldi (1-0, 3.60)
Bud’s put together a solid season, certainly better than the numbers indicate. MLB.com tells us that he pitched six scoreless against the Dodgers, which probably means that (/goes to check) the bullpen blew it. Yup. 1-0 loss. Fuckers. Anyway, Eithier, Kemp and Blake are the only hitters who are doing well against him. Which sucks, since they’re like the backbone of the Bums right now.
We’ve never seen Nathan Eovaldi before. Ahem.
Saturday, August 13th
9:10 CT, Dojer Stadium
Wandy Rodriguez (8-8, 3.52) v. Clayton Kershaw (13-5, 2.79)
Wandy is giving national sportswriters aneurysms right now; they can’t decide whether to castigate Wade for signing him to such an “exorbitant” contract, or for not finding a trade partner before the deadline. Fuckers. Only Juan Rivera, Blake, and Tony Gwynn The 2nd hit him over .300.
Kershaw’s putting up another solid season. The good news is that Carlos hits .400 with a homer against him. The bad news is that the only homer that Carlos will see on Saturday is Vin Scully.
Sunday, August 14th
3:10 CT, Dojer Stadium
Jordan Lyles (1-6, 4.88) v. Hiroki Kuroda (7-14, 3.01)
Lyles hasn’t faced L.A. before, so hopefully he shakes the Arizona sand out of his ass and whoops them.
Kuroda’s record is so out of whack with his ERA that you’d figure he was one of our starters. Jokes! Sanchez and Q hit .500 against him, and Carlos has .294 going for him. Everyone else was still nursing the last time the Astros played the Dodgers.
Injuries
Astros:
Castro, Arias, Lyon: Duh.
Del Rosario: Working out in Houston. Aren’t we all, man?
Jordan Schafer: Starting rehab next week.
Dodgers:
Johnathan Broxton: Bone spurs. Ouch.
Rubby De La Rosa: let’s reflect on this guy’s name. If his “date of birth” is also the same day that a DeLorean was seen in the parking lot of Lone Pine Mall, I think we have only one conclusion to draw: a Cuban League player killed Marty McFly.
Jon Garland: Of course he’s on the DL. He’s so on the DL, he’s having sex with Will Smith.
Dee Gordan: day to day. Crashing with Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv in the meantime.
Kenley Jansen: Sounds like a Kinkaid lacrosse player, right? Nope. He’s just a dark-skinned guy with an irregular heartbeat.
Vicente Padilla: apparently still exists. Out for the season with a stiff neck.
Juan Uribe: Left hip strain. That happens when you’re sixty. Because Juan Uribe is old.
Friday: Fireworks! Is there an Angeleno version of Pam Gardner? Apparently so.
Saturday: Hong-Chih Kuo Poster, brought to you by the Taiwan Tourism Board. Come for the pitchers, stay for the possible attack from the mainland!
Sunday: Kids backpack. All the hipster scriptwriters are going to wear them ironically.
What to Watch For:
The kids. Duh.
Sorry for being dark.