That’s right. We suck. Get it out of your system, assholes. We have the worst record in all of MLB. Not a single Astros farm team has a winning record, either. Go ahead – name our best player. Better yet – just name two players. Didn’t think you could. The Astros suck and there’s not a damn thing that’s going to change that in the near future.
You know why this doesn’t bother me? Because even though the Astros suck, I’m still not a fucking Cubs fan. And I can fall fast asleep each night knowing that.
This Astros team is putting together a historically bad season, but you have a historically bad TEAM. See the difference? I go to games to watch baseball – you go to get slobbering drunk, just to find the courage to hit on the three-toothed diner hag sitting in the two seats next to you. My team’s greens crew knows how to keep the weeds from climbing the outfield walls – something that IMPROVES your stadium. Only the idiots at Astros games throw back homerun balls – EVERYBODY at Wrigley throws them back.
I don’t worship the seventh inning stretch, either. Sure, my ears bleed every time I hear Deep in the Heart of Texas, but at least I don’t have to endure fucking Snooki or Trump or whoever passes as someone of importance in your puny little minds butchering an already tired song.
And finally, but most importantly, I’m not a loser, lovable or otherwise.
Enjoy being second to last this year. I’m sure you’re used to it by now.
Cubs @ Astros Preview
All You Care About Is What Time the Games Start and Who Is Pitching
Monday 7:05pm, MMPUS
Rodrigo Lopez (3-3, 4.78) vs Henry Sosa (0-1, 6.00)
Tuesday 7:05pm, MMPUS
Ryan Dumpster (10-8), 4.70) vs Brett Myers (3-12, 4.71)
Wednesday 1:05pm, MMPUS
Casey Coleman (2-4, 7.23) vs TBD (0-0, 0.00)
Promotions
Basically every game is like $5 now.
Injuries
Arias, Castro and Lyon get to ignore the rest of the season. Del Rosario might come back in September. Shafer is due at the end of the week.
Cashner, Mateo and Schlitter are out for awhile. Zambrano (sandy vagina) is out for his career.
News & Notes
Sorry for the short post, hopefully JaneDoe can fill in a few blanks from her recent trip to Chicago soon.
Oh, and FUCK THE CUBS!