My apologies to Paul Revere, however, there is no greater fear a city has than to be overrun with John Q. Idiot Cubfan himself.  Why, just the other day, a few of my favorite SnS friends and I were sitting in The Flying Saucer, preparing for a rousing home opener against the Marlins, when who walks in, but Mr. Cubfan.  Now obviously, he had no fashion or common sense, sporting a Cub hat and jersey into a bar full of Astros fans, but what do you expect? He is a fan of the baby bears.  These poor suckers just don’t have a chance.  Loveable losers? Hell,  no.  Just plain dumbshits.  Not that you need more proof, but here is just a little something about that team that plays Wrigley:

**Twenty major events  have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:  

1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley’s comet passed Earth. TWICE.

6. Harry Caray was born….and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.

8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.

**Disclaimer: No I did not spend my freakin valuable time compiling this shit.  I am therefore not liable for any mistakes.  Blame John Q. Cubfan.

Probable Pitching Matchups

Monday, April 11 Ryan Dempster RHP 0-2, 6.59 ERA vs Nelson Figueroa RHP 0-1, 10.13 ERA

The Trash Receptacle has had a rough start to the season, giving up 16 hits and 10 earned runs over 13.2 innings.  He has had a history of struggling against the hometown nine, sporting a team BA of .302 lead by Lee (.369) and Bourn (.361).  Figueroa is even 1-2 against him.  While this news is encouraging, Cub batters have an even higher average against Nelson.  However, Fukudome (.556 in 9AB) is on the DL, so that would lower the team BA from the lofty .319 they have against Figueroa (nine Cub batters hit .319 or higher).  His last two starts versus the Cubs last year yielded two wins for the ‘Stros, lets hope he continues this streak.

Tuesday, April 12 James Russell LHP 1-0, 0.00 ERA vs Brett Myers RHP 0-0, 2.03 ERA

Russell gets his first major league start against Myers and the Astros.  Last season, he did appear twice in the first inning, relieving Wells after six batters with no outs, and Silva after one out, but did not last more than 4 innings in either appearance.  Expect to get to the bullpen early in this one.   As a reliever, he has posted a 0.00 ERA and .000 slugging percentage against five current Astros.  He faces Myers!Myers! He’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can!  Baker (.667), Soto (.375), and Byrd (.300) have had success against Brett, although he holds the team to a .201 average.  Myers is 10-3 with a 2.21 ERA with 103 Ks against the Cubs in his career.

Wednesday, April 13  Carlos Zambrano RHP 1-0, 5.25 ERA vs Wandy Rodriguez LHP 0-1, 6.55 ERA 

Zambrano got his first ever major league win against the Astros in a relief appearance on September 21, 2001.  Since then, he has gone 14-8 with a 2.63 ERA and 172 Ks and I learned to hate him with a special hate that I reserve for cocksuckers like him.  It is not often that  a man debases himself on the level of a Zambrano implosion, so when he blesses us with yet another idiotic display, we must embrace it as only a Zambrano hater can. This just never gets old….. 

It goes without saying that I literally puked when I found out that yahoo computer draft stuck him on my fantasy team, but I figured, I would suffer the pain, the embarassment, the shame, if it shows the BBGs I will take one for the team.  
Rodriguez bounced back from a forgettable first start of the season by giving up only 1 earned run over seven innings in his last start against the Marlins. Wandy needs to be careful around his opponent, Zambrano is 2 for 9 with a HR against him. Several other Cubs hit Wandy around pretty bad, with Baker (.455) and Soto (.357) leading the team among those with double digit ABs against Rodriguez.

Injuries

Cubs–Randy Wells (forearm) and Andrew Cashner (shoulder) are on the 15 day DL and are out until the end of April.  The Dome of Fuku has a pulled pork sammich and is not expected to be available for this series.

Astros–Nothing new here.  I keep hoping that the Castro injury was some bad dream brought on by an overabundance of Sonic chili dog and tater tots, but no such luck.  Don’t know why he is on the 15-day DL instead of the longer one.  Joining him are Keppinger (foot), Arias (shoulder) and Barmes (hand), none of which is expected back until late April or early May.

Promotions and Giveaways

Pam has come up with an brand new marketing scheme.  Mad Hatters Days.  Anyone wearing a Cubs hat will be lined up in front of MMPUS for other fans throw any variety of rotten fruit, vegetables or eggs at them, earning the one who plasters them with a free ticket for that night’s game. If the Cub hat is on backwards, you earn TWO free tickets to the game…… Oh, no? It is Price Matters Days?  Crap that is old hat.  In fact, it is available every Monday through Thursday for every home game.  I guess they figure there will be enough AIS from the plethora of Cubfandom that will fill the stadium with cheers for the baby bears.  What we need is something to draw in Astro fans so that cheers for the home team aren’t drowned out by shouts for Marmolade or Zam-IamsofatIneedamanbra-no. Geez, Pam, get your head in the game…..

Weather

Final thought…

What is the difference between Wrigley Field and a cactus?

With a cactus, all the pricks are on the outside.

To spout your own Cub jokes, join us in the GZ.

The Great American Cookie-Cutter

Well, baseball is back… And Astros fans are already looking to declare a do-over to start the season. This is, unfortunately, starting to feel like an Opening Series tradition.

After a heartbreaking season opener, the Phillies went ahead and demolished any hopes of a silver lining Astros fans were hoping for playing against what may be the best starting rotation in baseball. The sweep-finishing game was dominated by none other than former Astro Roy Oswalt. Not exactly the start I was looking for.

And it doesn’t get much prettier. The Reds just completed a three game sweep of the Brewers, snatching victory from the jaws of Axford defeat on Thursday 7-6, hanging on to win 4-2 on Saturday, and blasting the shit out of the Brewcrew 12-3 on Sunday. If I were you, I’d buckle up. It could be a rough rest of the week.

Tuesday April 5, 6:05pm FS-H HD

Wednesday April 6, 6:05pm my20-HD

Thursday April 7, 11:35am Not on TV, suckas!

Pitching Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

J.A. Happ (Career: 19-9, 3.27) vs. Mike Leake (Career: 8-4, 4.34 )

Homer “J.A.” Happ is the future of the Astros starting rotation. He’s got good stuff, and does a fantastic job pitching through the rough spots. He was one of the few really bright spots last season. I’m not surprised that he pitches his way out of jams, though. He’s got the crazy eyes!

The Reds, in limited chances against J.A., haven’t had much success. As a team, they’re 3-18 against him, with Brandon Phillips doing all of the damage (2-3 with 2 homers). Reteria has the other hit, just a single though. Everyone else that has faced Happ sports a big fat goose egg.

Mike Leake is a pretty incredible story. He made his professional baseball debut in the bigs with the Reds, and had a pretty damn successful season for someone with absolutely no minor-league time.

Current Astros have had mixed results against the former Texas Tech head coach, going a combined 9-35 against him last year. Bourn (3-8, but with 5 Ks), Thunderpants (3-9, HR), Chris Johnson (1-3, HR), and Jason Michaels (1-1, 2B) all have had some success. Everyone else is sucking it up pretty badly, we’re looking at you Carlos (1-9).

Wednesday

Nelson Figueroa (Career: 20-32, 4.29) vs. Edinson Volquez (Career: 28-22, 4.40)

Figgy’s mugshot is featured in the dictionary next to the word Journeyman. And oh what a mugshot it is. Yikes. There isn’t much to say about Nelson that hasn’t been said before. He isn’t flashy, he doesn’t throw terribly hard, and he doesn’t do anything spectacularly, but he gets the job done and eats innings. Which, when you think about it, is what the back end of this rotation really needs.

The Reds as a team have moderate success against Figgy, sporting a .288 average (17-59).  Renteria (5-13) and Rolen (4-11, HR) have done most of the damage, with a few more hits shared between the rest of the lineup: Phillips (2-4),  Votto (1-3), Bruce (1-4, HR), and Heisey (2-3… Who the hell is Heisey?).

Edinson Volquez is, allegedly, the Reds ace. He sports some unholy stuff when he’s on, but his career numbers sure aren’t indicative of how awesome he should be. Edinson gave up five earned runs in six innings to the Brewers, but the Red bats bailed him out in the ninth, with a dramatic three run home run off of the Brewer closer, Axford.

The Good Guys are a not-so-great 11-62 against Edinson. Thunderpants (3-14, HR and a double) is the only Astro with an extra base hit against him. Michaels (2-3) and Brett Wallace (2-3) are the only other hitters who don’t suck hind tit versus Volquez. The rest is pretty awful: Kabong! (0-10, 3K… But he’s got two walks, which is nice), Q (0-6), Bourn (1-9, 3K), and an assortment of small sample size 0fers round out the lineup. Ugh.

Thursday

Brett Myers (0-0, 1.29) vs. Sam LeCure (0-0, 0.00)

Myers did what an ace is supposed to do in his first start, he went out and dominated his former team. If it wasn’t for that little hiccup known as “the rest of the game”, the Good Guys would’ve started the season beating one of the Top Five starters in baseball, and maybe people wouldn’t be using clever standby nicknames like “Lastros” and “DisAstros” just yet. Oh, what could have been.

Now the bad news. The Reds rock Brett to the tune of a.349 batting average. Renteria (17-40, 2 HR. Goddamn I’m tired of typing his name), Rolen, 8-19, HR), Stubbs (3-6, HR)… Fuck! Everyone hits him well except Brandon Phillips (3-19) and Paul Janish (0-6).

Sam LeCure pitched a shutout relief inning on opening day, and now is stepping in to fill the hole left by Homer Bailey’s shoulder injury. Once Bailey comes back, it stands to reason he’ll slide back in to the bullpen.

The Good Guys have had a lot of success in very limited numbers against Sam, sporting a .357 batting average (5-14). Q (1-2), Kabong (1-4), Bourn (1-3), Pence (2-4, HR), and Chris Johnson (0-1) are the only guys on the Astro roster that have faced him.

MLB.com Injury Report

Astros

Alberto Arias has slight shoulder tendonitis, and won’t be back until late April.

Clint Barmes still has a broken hand. Should be back in late April.

Jason Castro is done until probably September after shredding his knee. He’s already had surgery.

Kepp had foot surgery, and isn’t due back until May.

Reds

Homer Bailey has a mild shoulder impingement. I don’t know what that is, but apparently it stops you from pitching. He’s due back later this month.

Jared Burton has an inflamed shoulder. He’s due back later this month as well.

Johnny Cueto has mild inflammation in his shoulder as well. He’s due back later this month.

Goddamn, I think it’s about time the Reds blocked the Spanktravision in their Spring Training complex. That is a LOT of inflamed shoulders.

Fred Lewis has a sore oblique and is due back later this month as well.

Promotions and Giveaways

Not a goddamn thing. The Reds front office make Drayton and Co. look downright generous.

This and That

• I actually made an effort to watch the Season Opener, despite expecting the absolute worst. I was pleasantly surprised. Eight innings of great baseball seems like it might be a lot to ask of this team when they’re playing the class of the National League, but they actually delivered it. Myers is fun to watch pitch, and the bullpen is full of some interesting prospects.
• I can’t ever decide what I think about Wandy. When he’s on, that curveball is a hammer. When he’s off, his curveball gets hammered.
• Norris, despite having outstanding stuff, doesn’t seem like he’s got the control to be a front line pitcher. Everything he throws has the chance to be nasty, but too often his pitches end up right down the pipe and get smashed.
• Hopefully, the Good Guys bats will have a little more success against the Reds pitching staff. I’m not expecting an offensive explosion or anything, but it would be nice to see the guys that are supposed to be plus offensive players getting it going before the Astros are 6 games back in the standings after playing six games.

Discuss the games is the Gamezone! And tell Limey to go to hell for me!

Opening Day 2011

Opening Day again! We Are Your Astros! (and We Hope We Don’t Suck). Yeah, everyone’s a little pessimistic to open the year, but there are reasons to be hopeful. We don’t have so much dead weight at the top of the payroll, for one thing. Well ok, there’s Carlos Lee, but that’s a special case; you could never move that contract, not even with Roy Oswalt’s bulldozer.

Plus, here’s a good omen for opening the season – the fuckstick Cardinals already choked away their home opener, so the Astros start the season a half-game up! And I don’t know who’s going to win the Central this year, but I’ll tell you who won’t, and that’s the gimpy-ass shitbird Cardinals.

Because I’ve seen a sign. I’ve seen a portent of the Jakes’ season, and it’s not pretty. I found it, in all places, in the crawlspace under my house. (No, it wasn’t behind the dead hookers.) No, I went under there to check the rat traps I’d set out a while back. I live out in the country so we get unwanted critters from time to time. OK, all the time.

Plus this is rural Arkansas and there are no building codes or any of that fancy shit, and previous owners have sort of cobbled new pieces onto the house over the last 70 years. The house is built on the side of a hill, so the crawlspace gets lower and tighter as you go further back. It was partially built on an even older foundation, and I don’t know what before that, so there’s crumbling walls and old metal pipes and junk all over the place. I can crouch when I go in the little crawlspace door, but to get back to the rat traps I have to lay on my stomach, then kind of turn and squeeze my ass through a hole in an old foundation wall, and then crawl over rocks and broken glass and shit. It’s fucking nasty. And that’s just to get to the spot where the rats hide, which is all matted down with old fur.

So a few months ago I put out half a dozen of those big-ass rat traps, the kind that are like a bigger mousetrap, but with a huge goddamn spring, and a crushing bar that could break your finger. In fact it says that right on the package, “This thing can break your finger, so be careful, dumbass.” Well, they worked like a charm on rat necks too, and I cleaned out a couple of the little bastards. (I know what you’re thinking, but none of them were White Rats.)

We didn’t hear any more scratching in the floor, and the cats didn’t either, so I figured we’d gotten rid of the rats for the time being. I baited the traps with peanut butter in case any more rats came by with big relocation plans, and pretty much forgot about them over the winter.

Then a few days ago we started hearing scratching again, so I knew I had to go back under the house and reset the traps. I squeezed underneath and crawled way back to where the traps are, and most of them were still cocked and ready to fire. But one of the traps had caught something small and had flipped upside down. I thought maybe it was a little rat or a mouse, but when I turned it over, I saw it was a red bird! A cardinal, way back under the ass-end of my house, with its neck crushed in a big fucking rat-trap.

I said, “Hello, LaGenius! I see that Spring has sprung!”

*****

Well you just can’t ignore a sign like that. I knew baseball season was near. But the thing is, that’s not the first time I’ve gotten an omen about the Shitbirds. I’ll explain below, after the season opener …

Astros at Phillies – Spring has Sprung, so Fuck the Cardinals

Citizens Bank Park

Friday, April 1, 12:05 p.m. CT
Saturday, April 2, 6:05 p.m. CT
Sunday, April 3, 12:35 p.m. CT

You won’t hear this anywhere else, but the series is actually starting a day late because the Astros couldn’t find Citizens Bank Park. First they let Brett Myers drive the team bus, but he took a shortcut down this alley he knew, and got totally lost, and they ended up back on the highway. Then they let Hunter Pence take over but he missed the cut-off. Finally J.A. Happ said he knew where the ballpark was, so he took the wheel and accidentally parked at the home team’s locker room. Roy Oswalt came out to point and laugh at all the dumbasses, but when he bent over to slap his knee, like they do in Mississippi, he wreenched his back and pulled a groin muscle. Brad Lidge gave him a ride to the hospital since he was headed there anyway.

Notable giveaways

Nothing you’d want. There’s the usual Opening Day stuff, like a souvenir NL East pennant which would only be useful if you knew a fan of the Braves or the Ponzi-Mets, so you could wave it in their stupid face. The cocksucking Mets are coming to town next, so the Phillies probably should have just saved the pennant for next week. Of course, that assumes the Ponzis can even make it to Philly without having to take out a loan or cook up a complicated scheme by selling shares to all their dumbass brothers-in-law. Stupid fucking Mets.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Brett Myers v. Roy Halladay

Today will be Myers’ fourth Opening Day start in five years, though the other three starts were for the Phillies of course. He’s faced the Phillies once in his career – last August – and went seven innings for the win.

Brian Schneider is the only Philly with more than a handful of AB’s against Myers, but his line is a weak 8-for-39 (.205). He does have one homer and a double off Myers. Among the other Phils, Jimmy Rollins is 2-for-4 against Myers while Ryan Howard is 0-for-3 with 3 strikeouts.

Halladay is coming off a Cy Young season which included a perfect game and a postseason no-hitter. So they figured he’d earned a shot at the Astros on Opening Day. Halladay is 1-1 against the Astros and both of those decisions came last year. Carlos Lee is the only Astro who’s seen much of Halladay, going 7-for-26 (.269) with three homers. Chris Johnson is 3-for-4 against him and Michael Bourn is 3-for-7.

Saturday
Wandy Rodriguez v. Cliff Lee

Old Man Wandy has faced the Phillies three times for a 2-1 record. Current members of the Phillies have hit him pretty well, with Schneider again leading the pack at 4-for-10. Rollins, Polanco, and Howard all have homers off Wandy.

Cliff Lee is 0-2 in two career starts against Houston; both of those losses came late in 2009. Again, Carlos Lee is the only Astro who’s faced him much. El Caballo is 6-for-18 against him with two homers. Hunter Pence also goes 3-for-5 with a homer.

Sunday
J.A. Happ v. Roy Oswalt

Happ faced the Phillies once last season after they traded him to Houston and he came away with a 3-2 victory. Current Phils are a combined 3-for-17 against him, and a double from Polanco is the only extra-base hit.

OK, here’s a pitcher we know a little about. Roy’s never faced the Astros though a few of the Good Guys have batted against him. Bill Hall is 14-for-44 with five doubles and a homer, while Carlos Lee is 3-for-15.

Injury Report

Houston – Jason Castro is probably out for the year, while Kepp, Barmes, and Arias are on the 15-day DL. Happ is questionable for this series and Towles is probable.

Philadelphia – You’re not going to believe this, but Brad Lidge is starting the season on the DL. He’s joined there by Chase Utley, Domonic Brown, and some guys named Bocock and Schlitter. I dare you to go into your boss’s office and say “Utley Brown Bocock and Schlitter” three times real fast.

Loose Ends

* The cookie-cutter MLB websites look more awful every year. Here, just go take a look at the Astros front page. It looks like Pam Gardner’s dog ate the entire souvenir locker for breakfast, then took a monster dump on the website. And then Hunter Pence came racing around the corner without looking, tripped over the dog, and face-planted right into the entire mess. Thus earning his nickname, Faceplant of the Franchise.

* So that rat-trap story wasn’t the first omen I’ve had about the Jakes. Right after I moved here, in 2006, I was watching an Astros game on TV in early April and the opposing team was up to bat, so I wandered outside onto the back porch. And right there at the bottom of the steps was a dead cardinal. Bright red and freshly dead. I guess it just dropped out of the sky and landed at the bottom of my porch. So of course I took a picture, because this could be an omen if I ever saw one. And that’s the dead redbird photo that’s still on my profile.

But the dead Cardinal omen sent me a mixed message, because those fuckers went on to win the World Series that year. So I guess I didn’t interpret that signal correctly. And I don’t know what this year’s rat-trap omen means, but next year I’ll probably have a redbird tapping at my window. Feel free to interpret these omens however you will, but I’m going with “We Are Your Astros, so fuck the Cardinals in their goddamn scrawny necks.”

Happy Opening Day, everyone!

*****

Discuss Opening Day in the Gamezone.

What’s the second best way to end a season?  Sweep the fucking Cubs, that’s how.  Yeah, breaking news, the Astros aren’t making the playoffs, but if the end of this season has any bearing at all on next season, I’d wager we are in for some entertaining baseball with this team next year.   But it ain’t next year folks, it is high time we kidk some Cubbie ass and send them home wailing “Wait til next year” for the gazillionth year in a row. 

Casey Coleman, RHP  vs  Bud Norris, RHP 

Coleman notched a win against the Cards in his last start, but had bad juju against the Astros in his only start against them this year.  Bourn and the Big Johnson each batted 1.000 in that game, where Coleman posted a 6.0 ERA.  Norris has won 7 of his last 9 and would love to get to double digit wins for the year.  As he said himself, “It comes down to one.”   Well, if you want that one, keep away from Starlin Castro.  The young Dominican hits .667 against ya there, buddy. 

Carlos Zambrano, RHP  vs   J.A. Happ, LHP 

If I had to pick a baby bear to hate the most, it would be friggin Zambrano.  This guy has to be the mother fucking epitome of all that Cubdom is about. What a friggin crybaby.  Somebody change his Pampers before he goes out on the mound, we don’t want MMPUS to smell like your shit for the entire off season. 

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Well, fuck Zambrano, I have tried embedding this for awhile and it just won’t.  So go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tTuZir2420&feature=related  and make sure you have the sound up.  Way up.

Happ just makes me happy.  When I look at him, I am reminded that I don’t have to hear that whiny bitch Oswalt anymore, and that is good enough for me.  Plus, he has held Mr. Sorry-I-Know to .000, and that just has to make you smile.

Ryan Dempster, RHP  vs  Wandy Rodriguez, LHP 

We go from the crybaby to the trash can.  The Astros hit .324 (that’s with the pitchers) against the guy and he still shows up for the game.  Wandy gets the honor of sending the sCrubs back to Chicago for a long cold winter with visions of Stve Bartman dancing in their head. 

Out for the season :

Cubs: Colvin, Soto, Grabow, Silva, Guzman.   And probably the fuck me guy, too.

Astros: Bourn, Moehler, Arias.  No surprises there.  Only 3 days left people.  Leave SBB alone.

Giveaways:

Friday: Trick or Treat bags, Coca Cola Value Night, Friday night fireworks and dollar hot dogs.  That will fill the stadium.  Why not dollar beer, people?  Pam you do want AIS, right?

Saturday: One more retired Astro bobblehead.  At least we lead the league in one category. 

Sunday: 2010 Astros Team Poster.  Bet it still has Oswalt and no Happ.  No thanks.  Plus, they are giving away all the extra crap that has been sitting in the storage closet, unclaimed, sorta like one great big Astros garage sale.

Weather:  Gonna be a gorgeous weekend.  Seriously, like 58 degrees tonight?  With a high of 80 tomorrow?  Holy jumped-up Jesus palomino!!

End of the line

I’ll admit I haven’t watched as much baseball this year as I have in seasons past.  It hasn’t been because I was disenchanted with the team, but rather work duties increased and I have gone back for a graduate degree.  Thanks for putting up with some pretty shitty attempts at previews; I hope I haven’t worn out my welcome and get to have a chance to make the rotation next year.

Oh, and…..

FUCK THE CUBS.

You can't dust for vomit

The Astros are taking a slow boat from Pittsburgh, where they tripped over more dicks than a clown at an orgy, to Cincinnati for the last road series of the season starting Tuesday evening.  Perfect timing.  The Reds magic number to secure the Central title from the Jakes is 1.  ONE!  Which means, barring some freakish results, we will get to watch the Reds celebrate on our asses.  Oh joy.

Our only salvation is for the Jakes to lose today, to the Pirates, who are starting 2-11, 8.11 Charlie Morton.  Shitfuck.  Well, if it’s going to happen, let’s make sure it’s because of a Co-ards loss, not a Reds win.  Yes, lets at least do that.

Of course, the Astros are coming off a couple of series against teams long buried in the standings, but against whom they went 2-5.  The bats have become muted and the bullpen has become suddenly inflammatory.  That means that the Chase for .500™ is over, with the maximum possible number of wins now standing at 80.  That also means that the Jakes’ magic number to secure 2nd place from the Astros is 1.  It’s all really winding down folks, and in a couple of games there’ll be nothing left to do except point and laugh at the CubFans who show up to the home finale.

Great American Ballpark

This section of the review, like the preamble, deserves a puking gif.  What a horror story this place is: smoke stacks, hideous colours and runny beef ‘n’ pasta stew.  And no Berkman on hand to rip it a new one.  Oh well…

Tuesday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD
Wednesday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD
Thursday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD

Probable Match-Ups

Rodriguez (11-12, 3.67) vs. Volquez (4-3, 4.45)

Wandy has two shots left at squaring his W/L this season, unless he loses tonoght in which case he’s fucked on that front.  He’s had a great run after stumbling out of the blocks, most likely because he slipped on all the turds that were being dropped by his teammates like carpet bombs.   He hasn’t got a decision, one way or another, in his last 3 starts, probably because the bully has been pretty shitty.  Against the Reds in his career, he’s 7-7, 4.22 which has been earned by keeping Bruce, Phillips and Rolen quiet while simultaneously getting pounded by everyone else.

Edinson Volquez

Edinson Volquez.  We’ve seen enough of this crazy motherfucker to last a lifetime.  He just posted a career high 8-inning win to go with the fact that he’s smoked the Astros to the tune of 4-0, 0.98.  If Wandy gets an ND tonight, he’s pitched his bottom off.   That 0.98 ERA against the Astros is, of course, earned against the old Astros, which I’m not going to detail here as it would make pixies cry.  However, the Youthnami™ is free of such nightmare memories, and J-Mike is our superhero, sporting a .667 BA against Edinson.

Figueroa (3-3, 3.98) vs. Jonny Cueto (12-6, 3.73)

Nelson has lost his way lately as a starter…or is simply reverting to the mean for him, which isn’t good.  0-2 with a 7.20 ERA over his last 3 starts means that he’s needed no help from the bullpen to soil the mound recently.  He’s been getting steadily worse for a while now.  Against the Reds lifetime, he’s 1-1, 4.44, but those numbers are drawn from the annals of time because he has no record against the current Dickitie hitters.  This will be his last start of the season.

Johnny Cueto has a name that belongs in the movies, where the character would be played by Keanu Reeves, save the world and get the girl.  In reality, Cueto’s heroism for the Reds has earned him a 12-6 record and a middling ERA of 3.73.  He got tonked last time out for 8 runs in 1 1/3rd, but he blamed that on a hitch he saw on video.  Maybe he’ll be played by Will Smith.  Anyway, his history against Houston has been somewhat of a tragedy, 1-4, but with his nemesis shipped off to the AL East, and Bourn out of action, he may be getting ready for a 3rd act recovery.

Myers (14-7, 2.89) vs. TBA

Brett Myers

By the time we get to this game, I suspect that the only notable event remaining for the Astros will be to see if Myers can…you know…do the thing with the thing.  He hasn’t showed any signed of slowing down, posting 3 wins in his last 3 starts, an ERA of 2.70 and going at least six innings in each…Against the Reds he’s a very symmetrical 3-2, 3.23 but will need to be careful with Cairo and Hernandez if he wants to stay on target.  Meanwhile, someone needs to be ready with a tranquiliser gun in the event that Arnsberg reaches for the dugout phone.

As and when TBA is announced, and if I have the time, I’ll post it here.  I suspect that it’ll be some scrub because it’ll be a major surprise if the Reds haven’t clinched before this game.

Injury Report

Astros:  Arias is throwing again and Moehler had groinical surgery a few weeks ago.  Bourn is listed as day-to-day with an oblique strain, but it’s a virtual certainty that he won’t play again this year.  It still hurts me to watch Pence bat.

Reds:  Former Astro Russ Springer is done for the year with chronic unhipness; Lincoln (P) is also done for the year; Bruce (RF) and Nix (LF) are both day-to-day and, if there’s any sense in the Reds organisation, won’t be rushed back before the playoffs.  That preening, showboating, fat-lipped, fat-headed waste of oxygen known as Jim Edmonds is feigning injury so that he can skip the NLDS, get back on the roster for the NLCS, and strike out with the bases loaded and the series on the line.  I hate him.

Giveways and Promotions

According to their website, there’s nothing.  According to the standings, the fans will be treated to a division championship.  Given my druthers, I’d take the latter.

What’s on Limey’s Mind?

Beer and music.  I tried Hacker Pschorr last night.  Umm…no thanks.  Unless the Gingerman uses jalapeño detergent in their glass washer, I’m at a loss to decide where that taste comes from.  Sorry HH.  I also tried Pilsner Urquell and Real Ale’s Octoberfest, both of which I enjoyed.

Meanwhile, the Austin City Limits festival is fast approaching.  I saw that Cage the Elephant were added to the roster, so that’s good.  But there’s still some holes and some repeats which I’m hoping will get fixed in a good way.  Michael Franti’s in Houston this weekend – surely he can be persuaded to swing by Austin?  Just give him a better stage than last time – he’s on a beer commercial for fuck’s sake!  I will be there, as will a few TZ regulars I know, so I hope to catch up with some or all of you while there.  Oh, and not a drop of rain in the forecast!  No slopping through chocolate pudding this year!

Sayonara

The lights are going out all over Houston.  Mine will be the latest switch flipped to off during the trudge to October, as this is my last preview of the year.  One advantage of writing the occasional preview is that it forces one’s attention onto the Astros during a season when it was easy to drift along, not wanting to look because it was typically unpleasant to do so.  The kids brightened up August and September, and that means that I’m going to be fired up and focused when Spring rolls around.

Fuck the Cubs
Fuck the Jakes
Fuck the Yankees
Fuck Brighton & Hove Albion

and

Fuck the Cowboys!