Now that we’ve gotten the horrible play on words out of the way, on to the preview! Ah, who am I kidding. This is going to be full of bad plays on words, dick jokes, and general half-assery. Enjoy!

Friday September 24, 6:05pm, FS-H

Saturday September 25, my20

Sunday September 26, FS-H

Probable Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

Brett Myers (13-7, 2.76) v. James McDonald (4-5, 4.09)

Brett has been a beast all year, sporting an Astros record 31 straight starts of six innings or more.

The Pirates sport a .274 average, but a putrid .316 on base percentage. Andrew McCutchen (6-10), Pedro Alvarez (4-6), and Andy LaRoche (3-3) all hit him well. Everyone else is varying degrees of bad.

McDonald was terrible early in the year, but a 20 inning scoreless streak that was just broken last game has brought his ERA down from the middle fives to the low fours. He struggled through five innings of four walk four hit baseball in his last outing, a win that took 101 pitches to get through. 

The Astros are batting a clean 1.000 against McDonald, with Anderson Hernandez and Jason Michaels both having a hit in one appearance.

Saturday

Bud Norris (9-8, 4.85) v. Zach Duke (7-14, 5.68)

Norris has given up two or less runs in his last three starts, and has lasted at least six innings in all three of them. His ERA has come down half a point, and he sports a 3.28 ERA in the month of September.

The Pirates as a team sport a .279 (17-61) average against Bud, but the damage is mostly spread around. Garrett Jones (3-9), Lastings Milledge (3-6), and Ronny Cedeno (3-4) do most of the damage. Everyone else is pretty sub-par.

Zach Duke is… well, lets just face it, he’s pretty awful. His ERA has been skyrocketing this month thanks to two awful outings in a row where he lasted a combined four and a third innings and gave up a whopping twelve runs (eleven of which were earned). His last outing was a lot better, but looks a lot more like the exception than the rule.

The Good Guys post a .280 (21-75) average against Duke, with Pence!!! (4-11), Q (2-5), and Boojwah (3-5) leading the charge.

Sunday

JA Happ (6-2, 2.99) v. Paul Maholm (8-15, 5.25)

JA has been pretty spectacular in recent days. He hasn’t lost in over a month, and despite one bad outing the offense bailed him out of, he’s put up stellar numbers since becoming an Astro in the RoyO trade.  That trade is looking more and more like a huge Astros win in my eyes.

JA has absolutely dominated the Pirates, to the tune of a .182 (10-55) average. Only Andrew McCutchen (3-10, 1 homer) has more than one hit against him.

Maholm ERA is almost half a point lower than the start of September. He broke a skid of 8 straight losses or no decisions in a row with a win in his last start, beating the Redbirds while tossing seven innings of two run baseball.  He’s been pretty decisively horrible since the start of August, with a few decent games tossed in there for good measure.

Ah, I knew it was coming eventually. The horrible pitcher that the Astros for some reason struggle mightily against. Current Astros bat .233 (44-189) against Paul. Pence (11-35), Q (5-15),  and Angel FUCKING Sanchez (3-7) do all the damage against Maholm. Everyone else sucks eggs.

Crappy MLB.com Injury Report

Houston

Nothing new to report here. Arias and Moehler are both out for the year. Bourn is day to day with a tweaked oblique, but then again, aren’t we really all day to day?

Pirates

Holy shit, that’s a long DL list.

Jose Ascanio is probably done for the year with shoulder and hand surgery. And your mom just told you you’d go blind.

Jeff Clement is out for the season with a pulled oblique. Michael Bourn says you’re a pussy, Jeff.

Kevin Hart is out for the year with a torn labrum. Insert torn labia joke here.

Jeff Karstens is out with shoulder soreness. Probably from Dutch Ruddering with Jose up there. He might be available at the end of the season… Which is now.

Lastings Milledge is out for the rest of the year with an oblique strain. Michael Bourn thinks you’re also a pussy, Lastings. Also, your name sucks.

Ross Ohlendorf is out for the year with a right shoulder strain. Man, the fucking Pirates injury reporter is a lazy motherfucker.

Steve Pearce has patella tendonitis, out for the the year.

Donald Veal is out for the year with Tommy John surgery. He’ll come back with a very tender, delicious throwing arm next year I’m sure.

Promotions and Giveaways

Friday Night – Pretty decent looking fleece scarf and gloves. Downside, they have Pirates shit on them.

Saturday Night – A post-game concert from fan favorites, O.A.R. Wait… Aren’t those the motherfuckers that sing that obnoxious song they were using for EVERY baseball team’s promos on Fox Sports? Smithers! Have the Rolling Stones Killed!

Sunday – Fan Appreciation Day. That’s right. The one guy that has come to every home game this year is going to be honored! Well, he would be honored, but the Pirates will be sad to announce that he actually died in his seat back in 2004 and nobody noticed until today since nobody has say within 25 rows of him since the day he died.

Our Interesting Things to… Whatever.

The void is closing in fast for us non-playoff contending fans. It’s going to be a good off season though, since there is more than a little hope on the horizon. That is, there will be hope until Limey posts the Astro Magic Number on Opening Day and they proceed to go 1-161. Surprisingly, the 1 win will happen in Washington, and Das will be in attendance. The Astros will win on a pinch hit home run by Jeff Fulchino in the 22nd inning.

So ends my reign of terror as a Preview Writer for the year. Thanks for reading, and I apologize for not being strosrays.

And lastly, not that it has anything to do with anything, but Fuck the Cubs. Watching them implode ranks about half a point behind watching the Astros win on my BES (Baseball Enjoyability Scale).

Discuss the games in the Gamezone!

The Astros have won five of their last six series, and the one they didn’t win was a four-game split with the Dojers. Now they go on the road for the rest of the month before returning home to end the season against the dipshit Cubs.

The road trip starts in Washington, where the Astros face a four-game series with the Nationals and a meaningless feel-good vote in the Senate that will be filibustered by the Republicans. The Astros are still in third place in the Central, 5.5 games behind the stumbling Jakes. The Astros will probably just get the Washington hotel rooms occupied this weekend by the Texans, except for Gary Kubiak’s room because he still hasn’t decided whether to punt, kick a field goal, or go home.

The Nationals are at the bottom of the East, even behind the stupid fucking Mets. They just got swept by the Phillies including a loss to Roy Oswalt. Adam Dunn is leading the team with 35 homers, 93 RBI, and 179 freaking strikeouts.

Nationals Park

Monday, September 20, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, September 21, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, September 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Thursday, September 23, 3:35 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Nothing. Not one single freebie in a four-game series. Well, Thursday is Business Professionals Day, which in Washington means every lobbyist gets a free blowjob from your congressman, instead of the other way around.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Bud Norris (8-8, 4.95)  v. Livan Hernandez (10-11, 3.66)

The Astros are 9-1 in Norris’s last 10 starts. He’s never faced the Nationals, nor any of the rejects who play for them.

Hernandez is 10-5 in his career against the Astros, though some of those games were probably before many of the Houston players was born. Geoff Blum and Carlos Lee each bat .333 with one homer against Hernandez. Hunter Pence is 5-for-10 against him with two doubles.

Tuesday
J.A. Happ (6-2, 3.24)  v. John Lannan (8-7, 4.61)

Happ is 3-0 against the Nats. Current Nationals are a combined 5-for-23 against him, and no one has more than one hit.

Lannan is 3-2 against the Astros and 0-1 this season. Carlos Lee has scorched him in the past, going 7-for-14 with two doubles and two homers. Kepp, Pence, and Blum have also hit him well.

Wednesday
Wandy Rodriguez (11-12, 3.65) v. Jason Marquis (2-9, 7.71)

Wandy is 4-1 in seven appearances against the Gnats. Everyone in Washington has batted against him at some point in the past, including President Obama. Obama hit a homer off Wandy, though he called a meeting with the umpires, compromised on a double, and got stranded at second. Adam Dunn is a blistering 9-for-21 against Wandy with three doubles and two homers. Ryan Zimmerman, Willie Harris, and Pudge Rodriguez also have homers off him.

Marquis is 9-8 against the Astros in 23 freaking appearances. Carlos Lee is 15-for-38 against him with two doubles and four homers, while Pence is 11-for-22 with one homer. Blum and Michaels also have homers off Marquis Mark.

Thursday
Nelson Figueroa (3-2, 3.54) v. Jordan Zimmerman (0-2, 6.75)

Figueroa is 2-4 in seven appearances against Washington. Michael Morse, who I’ve never heard of, is 3-for-3 with a homer off Figueroa. Dunn is 0-for-7 against him.

Zimmerman is 0-1 against Houston but hasn’t faced this year’s team. Pence and Lee are both 1-for-3 against him, and no one else has a hit.

Injury Report

Houston – Moehler and Arias are out for the season, in case you hadn’t heard. UPDATE — Also, Michael Bourn has a strained oblique and is day-to-day.

Washington – Catchers Chris Coste and Jesus Flores are out for the season; centerfielder Justin Maxwell is day-to-day; Josh Willingham is out for the season; and pitchers J.D. Martin, Stephen Strasburg, Tyler Walker, and Chien-Ming Wang are out for the season. Also, Nyjer Morgan is suspended until after this series.

Wrapping it up

Well, that’s it for me this season. See you next April, assuming the SnS owners renew my contract without an ugly arbitration battle.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Say hello to your 3rd placed Astros.  64-72 may not look like much (it isn’t), but it’s 1 game better than the Brewers and 5.5 games better than the northside shirtless drunks. Read More

So, a personal note or two to start things off. I’m moving to Los Angeles for a month on the 7th of September for work. So, similar to the Good Guys, I’m headed West for the forseeable future (minus the stop over in Lovableloserville). I’ll beat the ‘Stros to LA by a few days, but I’m hopeful I can catch a game or two of the Series while I’m out there since I’ll have weekends free.

I’d suggest any LA-based Stros fans meet up with me while I’m out there to try and see a ballgame, but if my trip to Houston last weekend has taught me anything, it’s that nobody on the TZ wants to hang out with me except for drunken British reprobates (thanks again, Limey).

I also mention my trip because I’ve been insanely busy getting read to go to LA for the last few days and managed to completely blank on my Preview Writing duties today until just now. So, with a little over 2 hours until game time, here’s the down and dirty series preview.

Dodger Stadium

Probable Pitching Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Brett Myers  (10-7, 2.97)  v. Daniel Hudson  (4-1, 1.83)

Check out Brett’s picture on the probable links. He looks like a prime candidate for a neck tattoo.  Hudson looks like he’s about 16, and may or may not be thinking about boobies right now.

If you’re waiting for some useful information about these guys, you’re not gonna get it. No time, folks! No time!

Saturday

Bud Norris (6-8, 5.17) v. Joe Saunders (2-4, 4.70)

Bud’s ERA has lowered every month this season so far. His stuff is awesome, but he’s still learning to pitch in the big leagues.

The bad news? The Snakes post a .409 BA against him, 9 hits in 22 at bats, 2 home runs. Yikes.

Joe Saunders posted a really nice outing against the Chargers Padres in his last start, but the four starts before that were varying degrees of ugly.

Jason Michaels only has one hit in nine at bats against him. Kabong has three hits in eight at bats. Keppinger has one hit in two at bats. Nobody else has faced him.

Sunday

J.A. Happ (5-2, 2.89) v. Rodrigo Lopez (5-12,5.24)

Jaaaaaay has been pretty awesome since coming over from the Phillies. I don’t know if this is the real J.A. Happ or if he’s just happ-y to be with the Astros, but I’ve liked what I’ve seen so far. He’s a battler.

The good news: Happ absolutely dominates current D-bag cks to the tune of four hits in thirty three at bats, which leads to a sparkling .121 batting average against.

Rodrigo Lopez… Really? Who cares. Obviously he isn’t having a very good year.

Unsurprisingly, the Good Guys suck on ice against Rodrigo. They sport a robust .211 batting average, with eight hits in thirty eight at bats. Woof. Thunderpants (3-6) takes care of business against him, but that’s about it. Kabong is a putrid two of sixteen against him.

Injury Report

Houston

Nothing new to report here. Arias is still torn up, but apparently has begun throwing from flat ground again. Moehler’s groin fell off, but they taped it back on. Paulino is throwing from flat ground again, but odds are he’ll trip on a dandelion and tear another important joint/muscle right around the time he should be returning.

Arizona

Kris Benson is a tool. And by that I mean he’s out for the year with a shoulder strain.

Brandon Webb is on the DL with shoulder stiffness, but apparently “threw very successful simulated game August 28th”. I wonder what the difference is between successful and very successful.

Shit They’re Giving Away, Road Edition

Nothing Friday, but Saturday a sweet Montero Bobblehead. Who Montero, you ask? I don’t know either. It doesn’t say. Here it is, though. I’ve never known Montero to be an Asian last name, but hey, what do I know?

Sunday is Reynolds growth charts. Yippie!

Our Interesting Things to Chat About (Since There Isn’t Much to Look For)

I’ve been enjoying the few games I’ve gotten to watch and the highlights I’ve seen over the past few weeks, as many others have said in the TZ over the last few days. Watching the youngsters play good baseball has been fun, and bitchslapping the Fuckin’ Cardinals is always a good time. I hope this isn’t just a flukey little blip on the radar, but even if it is, it sure is more watchable than anything that the Good Guys were going last year. Thanks for reading, I’m back to scrambling to get ready for my trip to LA.

Talk about the games in the Gamezone… Or don’t. See if I care.

The Astros are coming home for a quick series after a long-ass road trip. They lost two out of three to both the Marlins and the goddamn Mets, but they also pulled off a five-game winning streak including four against the Phillies. Hopefully the veterans reminded everyone to wipe their dicks on the curtains before leaving Philadelphia. Now the Astros come home for three games against the Shitbirds before going right back on the road.

The Cardinals are sitting five games behind the Reds and also trailing by a few games in the wildcard race. They swept the Reds in Cincy earlier in the month but have pretty well shit the bed since then. They took a series from the Giants, but they’ve lost series to the Cubs, Brewers, and Pirates, and they just lost three out of four to the Nationals. They might catch the Reds yet, but I doubt it.

*****

And just like that, we made it to September. I don’t know about where you live, but here in Arkansas, July and August were hotter than Satan’s balls. Holy shit it was hot. My garden just said “Fuck it, see you next spring.”

I’d been seeing several mourning doves hanging out on the power lines across the road for the past few weeks, but then this weekend we had the slightest hint of a cool breeze, and the dove were gone. I wasn’t really planning on dove hunting this year anyway. It’s just too much of a pain in the ass around here.

I do plan on going deer hunting though. I didn’t get a deer last year, mainly because it rained so much that our deer camp turned into a swamp. Plus a bunch of wild pigs moved onto the hunting lease and started fucking up all the deer habitat. I think the members of our lease killed as many pigs as they did deer last year.

It’s ironic that every T-shirt, baseball cap, and bumper sticker in Arkansas has a razorback on it, but if you see an actual wild pig in the forest you must kill it immediately, because it’s an invasive, non-native species.

*****

Minute Maid Park

Monday, August 30, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, August 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, Sept. 1, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Monday and Tuesday – Nothing special.

Wednesday – Milo Hamilton 65th Anniversary Celebration, presented by the Brotherhood of Nod, with special guests Bob Laublaw, George Michael Bluth, and Maebe Fünke. Security provided by Nico Bellic and Dr. Brown’s Bionic Pimp-Hand.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Jake Westbrook (1-2, 4.06 with the Jakes)  v. J.A. Happ (3-2, 4.26)

Since being traded from the Indians, Westbrook has made five starts for the Cards including a no-decision against Houston. Carlos Lee is 13-for-32 (.406) against him with three doubles and a homer. No one else on the Astros has seen much of Westbrook.

Happ has made six starts since joining the Astros and they’ve all been quality starts, except for that one game against St. Louis. Pujols is 4-for-7 against him with a double and a homer, and Matt Holliday is 3-for-4.

Tuesday
Chris Carpenter (14-4, 2.93)  v. Wandy Rodriguez (10-12, 3.87)

Carpenter is 7-4 in 16 career appearances against the Astros and he’s 1-1 this season. Carlos Lee has 40 at-bats against Carpenter, with only seven hits (and 11 strikeouts) to show for it. Though two of those hits were homers. Chris Johnson and Hunter Pence also have one homer each off Carpenter, though Hunter is only 2-for-15 overall against him. Current Astros have more strikeouts (26) than hits (21) against Carpenter.

Wandy has faced the Co-Ards 17 times but only has a 4-11 record against them. He’s 1-2 against them this year. Holliday is the Jakes’ best hitter against Wandy, going 8-for-26 with a double, a triple, and three homers. Pujols and Lopez also have homers off Wandy.

Wednesday
Jeff Suppan (1-6, 5.72) v. Nelson Figueroa (1-1, 2.15)

Suppan is coming off the DL in time to make this start. He’s 3-8 against the Astros and 0-1 this season. Carlos Lee has a whopping 75 at-bats against Suppan, with seven doubles, a triple, and three homers. And 15 strikeouts. Blum and Pence also have two homers each off Suppan and Michael Bourn has one, though the homer was Bourn’s only hit against Suppan in 12 at-bats.

Figueroa is 2-1 in four appearances against the Cards. None of the Cardinals have homered off him, but Pedro Feliz is 5-for-9. Wait a minute. Pedro Feliz? THAT Pedro Feliz? Well shit. Molina is 3-for-6 against Figueroa, while Holliday is 0-for-4 with three K’s.

Injury Report

St. Louis – Holy crap, there are a lot of injured Shitbirds. Jason LaRue is out for the season after being kicked in the head during a brawl with the Reds. Yadda Yadda Yadda is day-to-day, as is Colby Rasmus. Plus several pitchers are on the DL including Brad Penny, Jason Motte, Adam Ottavino, and Dennys Reyes.

Houston – Keppinger, Lindstrom, and Paulino are on the DL. Moehler is out for the season.

*****

After hearing of Ebby Calvin’s thrilling adventures with the Oregon Highway Patrol while he was a reporter, I remembered this time when I was a reporter and I broke a cop’s finger. Now I don’t want to identify the other party involved, but I will say this:

If you’re a cop sitting in the driver’s seat of a parked car with your arm out the window, drumming your fingers impatiently on the roof … right where the doors meet the roof … while someone else is still getting in the back seat and slamming the door … and I mean really fucking slamming it, because it was a cop car and the door hinges were rusty and creaky and stiff and I had to yank the door twice … well don’t act so surprised when your finger gets crunched, and stuck in the door.

Also, no matter how much you kick and cuss and scream about opening the door, there’s nothing the guy in the back seat can do about it, because the back doors of cop cars can’t be opened from the inside.

I’m just sayin’.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.