Say hello to your 3rd placed Astros. 64-72 may not look like much (it isn’t), but it’s 1 game better than the Brewers and 5.5 games better than the northside shirtless drunks. In fact, if you forget about the 8-game losing streak to open the season (and if you had forgotten about the 8-game losing streak to open the season, I apologise), this is a .500 ball club. The Astros’ propensity for second half turnarounds is quite remarkable; I just wish that, just once they’d wake up three weeks into a season not having already shit the bed.
Cubs Suck
The Cubs, meanwhile, are having the opposite season to the Astros…again. Starting strong, they descended into their customary madness by the ASB. Their manager quit; some of their better players got injured and/or traded; and they routinely give up double-digit scores – including a 17 and two 18s, the most recent of which was yesterday to the Mets. The METS! (Courtesy of a bullpen meltdown, lead, of course, by Ryan Dumpster).
Against this backdrop, the Astros roll into town for a 3-game set. Houston, winners of 2 out of 3 from the suddenly red-hot Diamondbacks, and winners of 7 of their last 10, which encapsulates (partly) a home sweep of the Jakes, pretty much applying the coup de grâce to their division challenge, and a 4-game sweep of the defending NL Champs in their own yard. Meanwhile, the Cubs are 6-4 lately, mostly due to a pre-blended diet of Pirates, Mets and Nationals.
Wriggly Field
Monday, Sept 6, 1:20pm CST, FSH HD, WGN
Tuesday, Sept 7, 7:05pm CST, FSH HD, CSN
Wednesday, Sept 8, 7:05pm CST, FSH HD, CSN
Probable Pitching Match-Ups
Game #1: Rodriguez (11-12, 3.71) vs Coleman (1-1, 5.76)
Wandy gets the ball in the series opener, an afternoon event that doesn’t necessarily mean that the idiots in the bleachers won’t be already wasted and punchy. 2-1 of late, with a fabulous ERA of 1.35, the lefty has avoided his typical exaggerated home-road split this year. For proof, look no further than a record of 8-2 over his last 13 starts, home and road. For his career, he’s 5-4 in 15 starts against the Schlubs, sporting an ERA of 3.meh. He handles Fukudome well and only Errormiss really does any damage, still only at a paltry .241 clip (no dingers).
Rookie righty Casey Coleman has 7 big league appearances to his name, 3 of which are starts. Both his decisions came as a starter, with a loss to the Padres followed up by a win against the Gnats with a 6.1, 3-hit, 1 run effort. He doesn’t walk many, but doesn’t strike out many either (Mr. Coleman, say hello to Mr. Pence), and is prone, therefore to throw a lot of pitches, relative to his innings pitched. Obviously, there’s no history in the bigs with him and the Astros.
Game #2: Figueroa (2-1, 2.36) vs. Silva (10-5, 3.92)
Nelson is having some success as a starter for the Astros, which is ahead of where he’s been when tried in the role in the past. 1-1, 1.96 in 4 starts, never failing to deliver at least 5 innings. Not bad for an emergency starter. Career-wise against the Cubs, he’s an unfortunate 1-5, 4.52. Most Cubs have hit him reasonably well, but the only standouts are in small samples, probably when he was pitching as a reliever.
Big right-hander Carlos Silva has a head the size of a prize watermelon, and last pitched on August 1 when he came out of the game due to an abnormal heart rate. He has since undergone a procedure to correct the issue. Presumably liposuction. His last 3 starts, including the fateful one, saw a 1-2, 11.37 picture of Cubness. Career against Houston he’s 3-1, 4.63, but that was against the old-look Astros. The Youthnami™ have yet to have a go at Silva.
Game #3: Myers (10-7, 3.02) vs. Wells (6-12, 4.56)
Team MVP Myers latest 6-inning effort set a new franchise record for outings of at least 6 innings in 28 straight starts to open a season. He’s been cruising of late, but this last start was a battle against the Snakes that would be decided – the wrong way in the end – by a sac fly in the bottom of the 8th. That ND meant that Brett is 2-0 over his last 3 starts, with very handy 2.25 ERA. Against Chicago, he’s a pretty 9-3, 2.38 in which it looks like Errormiss does most of the damage.
Randy Wells is right-handed and all-Cub. Just look at those season numbers! He struggles out of the gate, and has given up 21 1st-inning runs in 28 starts this year. However, earlier this year against the Astros, he survived the first inning, only for Lee to drop a 2-run soupbone, and the loss, on him in the 6th inning (after a Berkman walk and Beaker double). Despite that, he’s 2-2, 2.56 against Houston, helped by keeping Keppinger, Lee and Pence quiet, despite the fact that Bourn and Blum destroy him.
Giveaways and Promotions
Bag for Douches
Monday: For anyone in an Astros shirt unfortunate enough to be in the Bleachers, a free knuckle sandwich.
Tuesday: Firefighter Appreciation Night which, hopefully for them, involves a different kind of suck.
Wednesday: A toiletry bag that will save having to take those annoying trips to the toilet.
Injury Report
Houston: Arias and Moehler continue to be out for the season; Paulino is due to pitch a simulated game on Wednesday and expected back shortly thereafter.
Chicago: Pitchers Grabow and Guzman have had or are about to have season-ending surgery; pitcher Gorvelanny is day-to-day with a fractured pinky finger – I shit you not; and pitcher Caridad is rehabbing in Triple-A but won’t be allowed back until 9/17 (for which he is eternally grateful).
What’s on Limey’s Mind
22 games left. Why? Much like an awesome blowjob, just when it’s getting good it’s over too quickly. So, to make it last longer, here’s some baseball stats: 17-5. That’s what the Astros need to get all the way back to .500. It’s a big ask. Or is it?
In essence, it means this: win every series until the end of the year.
Doable? It’s not completely crazy to think it can be done. The remaining schedule, after this tryst in Chicago, looks like this:
vs. Dodgers, .504 (4 games)
vs. Brewers, .463
vs. Reds, .581
@ Nationals, .431
@ Pirates, .331
@ Reds, .581
The Dodgers are going backwards, as are the Brewers, the ‘Roots and the Gnats are crap, so only the Reds pose a major threat. But the Reds are beatable, and any slip-ups can be offset by trouncing those perennial divisional foundation slabs in Pittsburgh and Washington. And all this can start with a traditional Labor Day weekend slapdown of the hilarious Cubs.
So, there we have it. Alkie will peel one off for every win. The 17th win gets a surprise.
He was standing at the rock
Gathering the flock
And getting there with no directions
And underneath the arch
It turned into a march
And there he found the spark to
Set this fucker off!