The Astros just won a series. On the road. In a foreign country. Against a team from the other league.
I’ll just let you ponder that for a moment…because I have something more mindblowing to tell you.
Classic Form
In that series, Hunter Pence was heckled constantly by the home fans, maintained his focus, had multiple hits in every game, went 6-14 and was arguably the key offensive weapon in the Astros’ quest for success. The only way this happened is because the entire Blue Jays’ roster was raptured early, and replaced by underpants gnomes.
Need more proof? How about the first win being an inexplicable come-from-behind jobbie (NTTAWWT), and the second being a lead-all-the-way-from-the-front jobbie, that was closed out with the slimmest of margins available.
Not enough? The LAPD appear to have solved a crime. BOOYAH! Harold Camping was right!! He (and most of his followers) just misjudged the number of people who would pass rapture-muster (see here). Apparently, being Canadian was one of the tests.
Well, of course, all of the Dodgers are still with us to enjoy 6 months or so of tribulations before Hunter Pence is crowned the NL MVP and the universe is destroyed in a fiery conflagration – sparked when Hunter drops his celebratory cigar onto the gas bottle incorrectly attached to his outdoor grill (which he is using indoors).
Minute Maid Park
Monday, 7:05pm CDT, FS-H HD, MLB.TV
Tuesday, 7:05pm CDT, FS-H HD, MLB.TV
Wednesday, 1:05pm CDT, FS-H HD, MLB.TV
Probable Matchups
Kershaw (5-3, 3.09) vs. Norris (2-3, 3.93)
Lefty Clayton Kershaw is 2-0 with a 2.41 ERA over his last three starts, punching out 25 in the process. I suspect this night he’ll be tucked up in bed with his “W” by about 9:30pm. Few Astros have any history against him, but of those he has had the number of (no prizes here folks) Hall and Pence, but the good news is that Lee misses him about as often as he misses a meal.
Chub Norris has been getting better, but this always happens when I single a player out for a particular tongue-lashing (see Pence, Hunter). Of course, “getting better” for Norris means 0-2, 5.93 over his last three starts. He at least has a win against the Dodgers in his career, and an ERA that I shall let you look up yourself because my keyboard doesn’t have enough digits. Current Dodgers are feast or famine against Bud (or, as this is L.A., I should say binge or emetic) – all in limited numbers – as Barajas, Carroll, Gwynn, Miles and Mitchell sport full Blutarskies while Ethier, Kemp and Loney whack him for at least .500.
Billingsley (2-4, 3.47) vs. Happ (3-5, 5.30)
Chad Billingsley is the next up in the all-fratboy-named starting crew for the Dodgers this series. He has somehow managed to pitch better in a short stretch than any Astros pitcher has done this year, and still went 0-3. Go ahead, look it up (and let me know if it’s true, because I didn’t). Astro hitters have reasonable at-bat totals against him, with no one standing out as notably bad, while Pence, Hall and Barmes all have had some decent success. If that didn’t tell you how badly snakebitten Chad is, Towles has a hit against him that knocked in 2 RBI.
J.A. is left-handed and, apparently, has delivered three quality starts in a row. Of course, a quality start is not any kind of measure of success, as demonstrated by a 1-1 record over that same stretch. At least he’s starting to eat some innings. Of Dodgers with history against Happ, only Miles has struggled. Everyone else has feasted on him.
Lilly (3-4, 4.71) vs. A. Rodriguez (0-2, 5.72)
Lilly, Lilly, Legs...Lilly
Ted Lilly is left-handed, a former Cub, and has an annoying smugshot. 1-1 and near-5 over his last three, he apparently pulled off some heroics last time out to allow his team to stage a comeback. He dominates those Astros who you’d expect – Bourn, Hall, Pence and Towles – while he gets whacked around by one who you wouldn’t – Johnson. Everyone else is at-batless or meh.
Aneury gets underlined in red whenever you type his name. That’s ok. He also threw 5+ strong innings in the first win this year in a game started by the fifth starter in the Astros’ rotation. Yes, you heard that right. For once I’m not shitting you. He’s still winless himself, though, and his ERA over his last 3 starts is higher than his ERA on the year. He has been prone to running out of steam, but seems to have some good stuff up his sleeve before getting gassed. He has no record against current Dodgers, but I’d rather watch him pitch than either of the other two starters this series.
Injury Report
Dodgers: Pitchers Broxton, Hawksworth, Kuo and Padilla are all up on blocks this week (mildly NSFW); 3Bers Blake and Uribe aren’t going to be around for this series; and OFers Ethier and Thames are day-to-day and out for the month respectively.
Astros: Arias was shut down in early May, which makes him very much like Europe; Bourgeois is scheduled to swing a bat today, although why that’s news for a baseball player is beyond me; Keppinger remains in rehab due to a front office migraine and Lyon has opted to sit on his arse instead of getting surgery.
Giveaways and Promotions
Wednesday’s day game has that 9-inning lunch break “deal” that will result in a hospital stay after gorging on fake food for the afternoon. Other than that, you’ll have to satisfy yourself with the gift that is the Astros’ play on the field.
What’s on Limey’s Mind
Champions League Final Long Weekend Beer Boobs Sunshine Golf Cars Traffic TVs Sleep Burritos Legs How Much Netflix and Cats and ABC Pest Pool & Lawn Annoy Him.