Minute 24 is the most difficult for me on the treadmill. I’ve got six minutes to go before I finish my thirty minute cardio workout, the playlist that I queued up on my iPhone is starting to drag to the point that I can’t really imagine listening to another consecutive Death From Above 1979 song, and my right knee (the bad one that I sprained almost weekly when I played basketball) is starting its familiar sting. Worst of all, I’m realizing once again that because I get to the gym right after Rachael Ray’s Perky Bullshit Parade finishes up, I’m only halfway through this episode of Iron Chef America and I’m never going to find out what Mario Batali was doing with the veal sweetbreads and marscapone before I need to go do some weights.
That’s how the Astros’ season is starting to feel for me right now. Pence’s nightly bed-shitting is the waning playlist, familiar and kind of boring even though it’s completely crazy. Lance Berkman is Rachael Ray: no longer in the line of sight, but infuriating nonetheless. Let’s call Bill Hall my bad knee and Wallace the veal-marscapone savory cannoli of my dreams, and that should wrap up a pretty tenuous analogy. But what I mostly mean is that even though we’re not quite out of April, I’m already winded. I’m drained from the fuck-ups and goofs and haters and glimmering hopes and blown innings, and I don’t know if I can make it to September.
But like the treadmill, I’m sticking with it. It’s good for me. I’m getting my money’s worth. And at least it’s not the Texans.
Friday, April 29th
7:05 CST, MMPUS
Shawn Marcum (2-1, 2.73) v. Brett Myers (1-0, 3.31)
That's Gangsta
Marcum has one of those names that Bill Simmons would classify as a Reggie Cleveland All-Star: based on name alone, you expect him to be one race, but he’s actually another. He’s also a pretty decent hurler. Whatever. Anyway, the infamous Bill Hall hits him way the hell better than anyone else on the team, to the tune of a .700 batting average. Really. Yes, THAT Bill Hall. Who is himself a Reggie Cleveland All-Star. Hunter hit a home run off him, too. So there’s that.
That Myers has only one win certainly says something about our bullpen. It stinks! Haw haw haw! I’ll be here all night, folks! Collectively, the team that made Milwaukee famous hits .304 against him, with Mark Kotsay (who’s apparently still alive) at the top with a .667 BA. Fielder is .333 with three homers. Myers better perform, because I need to wash the Figueroa taste out of my mouth.
Saturday, April 30th
6:05 CST, MMPUS
Randy Wolf (3-2, 2.64) v. Wandy Rodriguez (1-3, 5.40)
The One That Got Away v. The One That Needs To Get Back Where He Was. And don’t act like you wouldn’t rather have Wolf in this spot in the rotation, because we all would. This concludes the only second guessing of Ed Wade I’ll permit myself for the rest of the month. It’s a good thing we’ve got Wolf v. Wandy, because Wandy has hit a homer off of him, which guarantees that it will happen again. Wallace, Sanchez and Q are both over .300 against Wolf, too.
Wandy needs a good start. This is obvious. Dunno if the Brew Crew will oblige: they hit .294 off of him, with McGehee, Braun, Weeks, and Hart all over .300 against him. But hey, he strikes out Carlos Gomez a lot.
Sunday, May 1st
1:05 CST, MMPUS
Chris Narveson (1-1, 4.33) v. Bud Norris (1-1, 3.86)
Narveson is one of those classic Brewers pitchers who somehow ends each season with double-digit wins despite an ERA higher than James Franco after half a semester at UH. He’s literally never gotten Bill Hall out, which shows what kind of shitbag he is. Bourn and Lee are both over .400 against him. Get him early, before Bud has his sixth inning.
Bud was on the Yahoo(!) fantasy baseball home page as an advised pickup because of his strikeout numbers. Okay, great. I still think he’d be a great throw-in in the Mythological Carlos Lee Trade of 2011. Corey Hart and Rickie Weeks get on base more than half of the time against him. Which wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t the guys who bat ahead of The Big Vegetarian.
Injury Report!
Astros:
Still sharper than Milo
Alberto ” Dead Meat” Arias – Alberto ‘Dead Meat’ Arias is dead. So is Mo Green, Tataglia, Barzini, the heads of all the five families. It is at moments like these, my dear friends, that we must ask ourselves: “How can this not be part of some larger plan?” Do good men like Dead Meat Arias just blink out one day like a bad bulb? I mean, one minute you’re in bed with a knockout gal… or guy, and the next, you’re a compost heap. Doesn’t that bother any of you? Because it scares the living piss outta me!
Jason Castro – Heroically hobbling somewhere.
Jeff Keppinger – Almost ready to push a deserving member of the team out of their hard-earned roster spot. Or get Bill Hall DFA’d. Whatever.
Wilton Lopez – Irritated nerve. Must’ve been watching Berkman lately.
Jason Michaels – Jim Edmonds Disease.
Brewers:
Erick Almonte – Ooh, he’s on that new special 7-Day DL. You know what that means? DON’T LET HIM FALL ASLEEP HE COULD DIE!!! Also, I’m not a doctor, but my mom pretended to be one.
Zack Grienke – Cracked his ribs while crying about how much he loved Robert Pattison in Water For Elephants.
Nyjer Morgan – 15 Day DL: racial tension in his name.
Manny Parra – Facet Joint Injury in his back. So simplistic. Why not a multi-faceted injury next time.
Takashi Saito – Left hamstring strain. *carefully avoids a Japan joke*
Prrrrrromotions!
No caption necessary.
Every day is Price Matters day. Seems we got this Depression on, and I got to do for me and mine.
Friday: Fireworks! A green shirt! These are YOUR Astros!
Saturday: Pence “Play Green” Bobblehead. Yeah. Green like the inside of a fresh cow pie.
Sunday: Bike to the Ballpark, which is great if you live inside the Loop. Like meeeeeee! Smell the superiority from here!
What To Watch For:
The return of the Barmes. And by return we mean debut.
The expectations of April to be dashed by the brutal summer heat.
Infield defense. Hallelujah.