Let’s not be coy: the Cubs are terrible. Historically, perennially, comedically and currently terrible. But they, other than a Cubbiesque, boneheaded decision to use a reliever in a starting role in Game #2, just kicked the ever-lovin’ shit out of the Astros at home.
Down = Up
The most frustrating thing about it isn’t the lack of talent. Some exists, and there is hope for the future with some of the kids. Plus, some of the more experienced players are carrying their weight. But there are some players who should know better who are making very bad plays and very bad mistakes – and their mistakes compound the to-be-expected rookie mistakes – and result in shitfests the likes of which we suffered through this week.
I do not blame Brad Mills for this. He has inherited a terminally flawed roster on a club whose owner wishes dearly to sell it, and is cutting costs in order to do so. Mills can work with the kids, but no manner coaching ability is going to make Lee slimmer, Pence think or 4/5ths of the starting rotation any good at pitching. 3 and 9. How did they win 3?
Into this nightmare wander the light-hitting Pet Shop Boys of San Diego. And when I say light-hitting, I mean a near-Mendoza team BA of .214 which is the worst in the NL and only not the worst in the majors because of Tampa Bay (sorry Ty). If the Astros are 3-9, the Friars must have a terrible record, right? Well their 5-6 record, earned on the backs of their NL-leading pitching staff, is something for which I would give any of your left nuts/ovaries, but not mine.
Movable object, meet resistible force.
Minute Maid Park
Thursday, 7:05 CDT, FS-H HD, DirecTV-678, DishHD-9516, Dish446 | MLB.TV
Friday, 7:05 CDT, FS-H HD, DirecTV-678, DishHD-9516, Dish446 | MLB.TV
Saturday, 6:05 CDT, FS-H HD, MLBN, DirecTV-678, DishHD-914, Dish444 | MLB.TV
Sunday, 1:05 CDT, FS-H HD, DirecTV-678, Dish446 |MLB.TV
Probable Match-Ups
Moseley (0-2, 2.08) vs. Norris (0-1, 8.10)
Here comes the first of three amazing mismatches in ERA. Moseley has pitched his bollocks off so far, and got nothing to show for it. He doesn’t strikeout many, but he doesn’t walk many either. Presumably he trusts his defense. He spent most of his career in the softball league, where is record is about the same and his ERA is substantially worse, so this may be an anomaly to start the season. Who knows? Maybe he prefers NL SoCal to AL SoCal. I can tell you that he has faced almost none of the Astros, but those he has – Hall and J-Mike – have had his number.
That's Headley. Eh? Oh.
Norris is really pissing me off. He does not see the Jakes enough to make up for all his other starts where he sucks balls and puts his team in a hole. He needs to stop nibbling, both on the mound and in the buffet line. You’re getting smoked anyway so why not let them try to hit a non-desperation fastball and see if a member of the Astros’ defense can get in the way? He looks after Hundley and Headley pretty well, but not so much Ludwick and Maybin.
Harang (2-0, 1.50) vs. Happ (1-1, 6.17)
Dear Lord this is one ugly motherfucker. He’s also got the prettiest numbers of all the Padre starters we’ll see this weekend. But…both of his starts have been in PetCo, and it remains to be seen how he fares in a slightly more confined space. His career vs. the Astros is 11-9, but all the current Astros with Harang facetime (shudder) have done well. Better to get a quick hit than have to stare at that disaster of a grimace, I suppose.
Happ got smoked out of the gate by the Les Rouges, but righted his ship in his second start against the Marlins – going 7.2 innings and giving up only 1 run on 4 hits in that start and more than halving his ERA in the process. I hope/suspect that he will fare well against the Pads too, but then I suspect that I’d have a good chance of getting through their order unscathed at least once. Not much history here, but the (relatively) better hitters have (relatively) better records against J.A.
Latos (0-1, 4.50) vs. Figueroa (0-2, 10.61)
Zero Point Zero
Mat Latos is missing some consonants from his name, but does not appear to miss many meals. He has a bunch of stuff tattooed on his arms too, which I’m going to assume are recipes for deep-fried lard. Last year was his 2nd in the bigs, and he was a respectable 14-10, sub-3.00 ERA. He’s only pitched once this year, so his 4.50 ERA reflects a 6 IP, 3 ER “quality” start which he lost because his offense scored only two runs. Against Houston, for what there is of his career so far, he is 2-0 with an ERA of 0.00.
Figueroa
Nelson’s 10.61 ERA isn’t the only ugly number in his line this year. 11 earnies on 19 hits over less than 10 innings pitched is decidedly Harangian. Against SD, he’s allowed 5 runs in 3.2 career innings. Typically, you don’t get a lot of meaningful stats when you’ve only faced a team for 3+ innings, and that is the case here too. But his stats all time against SD and for this season against anyone don’t fill me with any sort of confidence.
Richard (1-0, 2.45) vs. Myers (1-0, 1.77)
Clayton Richard has two first names, or two last names, depending on whether you’re a glass half full or empty type of person. He pitched a clean inning in his 2nd start of the year, before a lengthy rain delay resulted in his replacement in a game that ended up being delayed four times, including a suspension to the following day, and which was won when Tony Gwynn broke an 11th inning tie. For the Dodgers. It was Tony Gwynn Jr. Anyhoo, his 3rd start was a much more perfunctory 7.2IP, 1ER, which the Padres still lost when the Reds went hog-wild for 6 runs in the 11th. I see a pattern here. He beat the Jakes to open the season, so there is that, which is handy because I can’t find any pitcher vs. batter data.
Myers
Myers maybe slowly morphing into an old-timey frontiersman, but dagnabbit! He has the only statistical advantage in the match-ups for this entire series. And no hornswaggling, cracker-crocker, is going to take that away from him! It would seem unlikely that any such thing would happen this day: he is 2-1, 2.84 in his career against San Diego, the only fly in the buttermilk being that Cantu, Ludwick and Maybin all hit him for circa .500 or better averages.
Injury Report
That's Hfuhruhurr
San Diego: LHP Thatcher is recovering from a shoulder strain; 1B Blanks is out for undisclosed reasons (not being Machiavellian here, they just don’t say); INF Hoffpauir strained his quadriceps; OF Baxter got punted to the 60-day DL (do you see what I did there?); and my eyes are killing me from looking at Harang’s mangled visage.
Houston: INF Barmes’ left hand is still broken; C Castro’s knee is still broken; INF Keppinger’s foot is still “broken”; and RP Arias’ record is still broken.
Giveaways and Promotions
Thursday is a “Price Matters” Day, which gets you a View Deck ticket, a nose bleed, a hot dog, diarrhea, chips and a coke for $10.
Friday has a ton of shit going on, with it being Jackie Robinson night. And college night. And Coca Cola Value Zone night. And Fireworks night. All the players will wear #42, in honor of Douglas Adams, and 7,000 of the 10,000 Jackie Robinson t-shirts will go unclaimed.
Saturday is Coca Cola Value Zone time again, which means that Andrew Jackson will get you a mezzanine ticket, a hot dog, a coke, a cap, a schmoke and a pancake.
Sunday is (yet another) CCVZ day, but also both Family Sunday and Dog Day. So that smell isn’t, for once, the Astros play. It’s because someone’s dog or someone’s kid has shit themselves. There, I said it. Also, expect Pam Gardner to be roaming the stands scaring the children. At least there are plenty of distractions for the little ones, including Hunter Pence’s “Where the Cut-Off Man?” game.
What’s on Limey’s Mind
I know some of you think that you see signs of progress in this team, but you are just deluding yourself.
Oh, and…whale vagina. You thought I wasn’t going to say it, didn’t you.