By Craig Elliott

The Astros got a nasty cockpunch from the Reds, though a nice comeback Wednesday helped ease the swelling a little. Ouch. Meanwhile, the wildcard race is slipping away, despite every line-up Garner can pull out of his ass. Maybe a four-game set with the Pirates will help set things right.

The Pirates just took two of three in Atlanta. But they still have the worst record in the National League, and only Kansas City is worse in the majors. Jason Bay is leading the team in pretty much everything, including homers with 28.

When:
Thursday, August 24, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, August 25, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 27, 12:35 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Saturday’s game will be on Fox Southwest. All the others will be on the Pittsburgh feed.

Where: PNC Park

There will be fireworks after each of the first three games. And then during Sunday’s game, the Pirates will reveal the name of their new mascot. Here are a few suggestions:

* Pegleg Milo
* Derek Bell
* Ghost of Nancy Wilson
* Dreamboat Manny

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros worked a split in Milwaukee, and now travel to Cincinnati for some overdue business with the Dickities. This is the last trip to Cincy this year, and the next-to-last series with the pissant Redlegs. At five games back, the Astros need to make up some ground in this series.

On the other hand, a beatdown from the Reds now would officially make us their bitch for the season. And that’s no fun in a city where they casually toss around the word “cornhole.”

The Dickities just won a series against the Pirates, and earlier in the week they lost two of three to the Co-Ards. They’ve somehow hung on to the wildcard lead, despite going 9-10 so far in August. There must be a vacuum of Suck that’s keeping the rest of the NL from reaching the Reds.

When:
Monday, August 21, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, August 22, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 23, 11:35 a.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The first two games will be on the Skyline feed, and the Wednesday game will be on Fox Southwest. I strongly recommend eating BEFORE the Monday and Tuesday games, so you don’t lose your appetite with all the commercials for shitty chili.

Where: Great American Ballpark

The Reds are 33-32 at home this year, while the Astros are 25-34 on the road. The Astros also lost two of three on the last trip to Cincinnati, and are 2-7 against the Reds this season.

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By Craig Elliott

A sweep. A sweep by the goddamn dumbass Cubs. With Oswalt, Clemens, and Pettitte pitching at home. Every fan who stayed to the end of the 18-inning game should have won a year’s supply of LOBsters. Except for all those dipshits behind the Cubs dugout in the 18th inning. They can go blow goats or whatever it is that Cubs fans do in Houston.

The Astros are now five games behind the Dickities in the wildcard race, and looking up at most of the NL West as well. This playoff run feels more like slogging through the cinnamony mud of the Ohio River. With a pulled groin.

The Brewers just took two of three in Pittsburgh, and they’re tied with Houston again in the wildcard race. Carlos Lee is still leading the team in hits, homers, and RBI, despite playing in Texas now. Chris Capuano is leading in wins, strikeouts, and innings pitched, but the Astros won’t face him this series.

When:
Thursday, August 17, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, August 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 19, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 20, 1:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS

MLB Extra Innings – Thursday’s game will be on the Fox Southwest feed, Friday’s and Saturday’s games will on the Milwaukee broadcast, and it looks like there’s no broadcast Sunday.

Where: Miller Park

The Chorizo only made one race appearance before it got shitcanned by MLB. Because all marketing gimmicks have to be blessed by the league office a year in advance or some shit. Just figures that every time someone thinks of a new way to show off their sausage, Bud Selig takes a big bite first.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just lost two out of three to San Diego, but remain in the thick of things. The wildcard race is a real sludgepile, and as Alkie has astutely pointed out, the shitbird Jakes may be joining it soon. Luke Scott has also taken Preston Wilson’s job, so good luck to both of them.

The Cubs have dropped their last two series, plus Mark Prior is done for the year, again. Carlos Zambrano is the only non-rookie in the rotation. The only question now is whether or not Dusty’s contract gets renewed. And if it’s not renewed, then this is Dusty’s last trip to Houston.

When:
Monday, August 14, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, August 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, August 16, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest feed. No need for WGN.

Where: MMPUS

The Astros are wrapping up the long homestand before going on the road for a week and a half. Houston leads the season series with the Cubs 8-4. This will wrap up the season series with the Cubs, so get your jeers in while you can.

The giveaways for this series are pretty good … a shuttle cap on Monday, K cards on Tuesday, and Clemens T-shirts on Wednesday.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros are 7-2 in August, which includes three series wins. After sweeping the Pirates out of town, the ‘Stros are now 6 games behind the fucking Jakes, and 2.5 games off the wildcard lead. The dumbass Reds are out on their feet and ready for a knockout punch, with three teams from the West sitting a half-game out.

One of those teams is the Padres. They’re only 3-7 over their last 10 games, including losing last week’s series to the Astros. They just got swept by the cocksucking Mets, and are about to drop behind the Dojers and Snakes in the West. Plus the Rukkakies are still hanging close and looking up expectantly at the leaders with those big adorable eyes. Apparently it has something to do with everyone’s balls being heavier in Coors this year. Or whatever.

Also, rumor has it that the Padres’ plane was delayed from leaving New York because of the new carry-on rules. There was an uncomfortable moment at Security when no one would claim the industrial-size jug of hand lotion. Luckily things got moving again when Mike Piazza offered to inspect everyone’s packages.

When:
Friday, August 11, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 12, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, August 13, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. No broadcast Saturday, I guess.

Where: MMPUS

Friday is ’80s Night, so be sure to wear either a Rainbow Gut or Rainbow Shoulder. There will also be umbrella giveaways, and one lucky fan will win a limited-edition ankle-grabber umbrella stand, shaped like Mike Piazza’s ass.

On Saturday you can score a non-urine-smelling Astrodome replica, and on Sunday they’re giving away lunch bags, which are cooler than they sound.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just won two series AND had a winning roadtrip. August must finally be here. The teetering Reds are only 3.5 games ahead of Houston now, and the Jakes are 8 games ahead. Lance Berkman is still hitting everything in sight, despite having to be wheeled around the bases in a wagon by Jose Cruz.

The Pirates have the worst record in the National League, and are ahead of only the Royals in all Major League Baseball. Plus they even broke up the band and traded Nancy Wilson to the Yankees. But if we could just trade OUR Wilson to the Pirates, then they could restart the band … nah, nevermind.

When:
Tuesday, August 8, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 10, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Which is fine with me, because the Pittsburgh guys will only be talking about the fucking Steelers anyway. I wonder if Ben Roethlisberger has recorded a public service announcement yet about wearing a goddamn helmet.

Where: MMPUS

Monday was the Astros’ last day off for three weeks. This is the beginning of a three-series homestand, and except for this weekend’s set with the Padres, the rest of the month will be played against the Central. Most of it against the bottom third of the Central (assuming the Brewers stay in fourth place where they belong).

When the Pirates are in town, Double Play Tuesday with its cheap hot dogs is, of course, also still known as ?Derek Bell Throwback Day.? At least they’re Earl Campbell’s hot dogs. The rest of the promos for this series are pretty lame: teddy bears for kids on Wednesday, and lanyards on Thursday. Meh. Good enough for a mid-week series with the Pirates, I guess.

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