By Craig Elliott

The Astros dropped a deuce in St. Louis (and weren’t even at the airport) but did manage to pick up the series finale. They’re still six games back of the Jakes, and five behind the Padres in the wildcard race. Plus the dumbass Reds pulled ahead again, though the Astros get to deal with them soon enough.

Philly just took two of three from the ATL, and are tied with the Giants at 2.5 games behind the Pet Shop Boys. Ryan Howard is up to 56 homers now, while Utley has 28 and Burrell has 24.

If the Astros are going to make a run at the wildcard, they have to knock off the Phillies right now. And without pulling a groin.

When:
Friday, September 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 16, 12:45 p.m. CDT – Fox
Sunday, September 17, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday and Sunday’s games will be on Fox Southwest. Saturday’s game is a Fox national broadcast.

Where: MMPUS

This is the last homestand of the year, unless Scrap Iron can pull another wildcard miracle out of his ass.

Giveaways this weekend include picture frames on Friday and black Astros hats on Saturday. Also, kids can run the bases again Sunday, and parents can enjoy the hilarity as Willy Taveras guns down any lollygaggers at second.

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By Limey

2 out of 3 from the Brewers was the bare minimum. If you think the bare minimum is enough, then ok. But some people choose to do more and we encourage that, ok? Now the Astros roll into New Jake City to see if they can make a charge for the division title as well as keeping up with the wild card race. A bad week, and both will be lost causes.

The 3rds are in the process of backing in to the playoffs. Losers of 6 of their last 10, 4 of their last 5, and 3 of their last 3. They just dropped 3 of 4 to the Snakes; a series that included a 13-run mauling when Wandony Reyes gave up 7 runs in 2.1 innings, and a 1-hit, CG shut out spun by Webb. That’s a whole lot of poop; they’re down and now would be a bad time to let these guys pick themselves up.

When:
Monday, September 11, 7:10 p.m. CDT – FSN & FSN HD
Tuesday, September 12, 7:10 p.m. CDT – FSN & FSN HD
Wednesday, September 13, 1:10 p.m. CDT – FSN & FSN HD

MLB Extra Innings – Hopefully some concerned and helpful TZer will fill this part in for me.

Where: New Busch

As any red-blooded male will tell you, new busch is better than old busch.

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By Craig Elliott

Lance Berkman’s excellent three-run double Wednesday, and WillyT’s gun, gave the Astros a split in Philly. The rained-out game will be made up in the last week of the season, before the trip to Pittsburgh. The Astros are still 6.5 games behind the Jakes and have seven games left with them. In the wildcard race, the Pet Shop Boys are still on top with the Astros five games behind. Four teams are also between Houston and San Diego.

That gasping and wheezing sound you hear is the Cincinnati Reds about to fall behind the Astros. The Reds are still a half-game ahead going into the weekend series, but their tits are dragging down the stretch. A fatal stumble is imminent.

The Brewers just took two of three from the Dodgers, but before that series they had a 10-game losing streak (which included a sweep by the Astros). The Brewers are pretty much out of the playoff race now, and trying to finish 17-5 to end the season with a winning record. Good luck with that.

When:
Friday, September 8, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 9, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 10, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday and Saturday’s games will get the sausage treatment, while Sunday’s game will be on Fox Southwest. Remember to turn your brats with tongs, not forks, or Bernie Brewer will kick you in the nuts.

Where: Miller Park

In other Wisconsin news, the Packers open at home Sunday against the Bears. The crowd may be sparse at Miller Park to see the matchup between TBA and Dave Bush.

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By Craig Elliott

I guess the face-shaped dent in the left-centerfield fence could be known as Carlos’ Grill. That was some faceplant by the Traitor. Fucking Mets.

The Astros are 3.5 games behind the Pet Shop Boys, while the Brewers, Rukakkies, and Snakes are fading a little. Philadelphia is 1.5 games behind San Diego and two games ahead of Houston, so here’s a great chance for the Astros to move up.

The Phillies just had back-to-back doubleheaders with the ATL, which they split. Both of them. Ryan Howard hit three homers in one game Sunday, raising his league-leading total to 52. Chase Utley and Pat Burrell each have 24 homers as well.

When:
Monday, September 4, 2:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, September 5, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, September 6, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. I’m in the Fox Southwest home area this season, and lately I’ve been getting way too much of the fucking Rangers. Seems like every other Astros game is blocked by the Rangers now.

Where: Citizens Bank Park

This is the start of yet another three-city road trip, though it’s the last one of the year. Well, unless the Astros start the playoffs on the road.

Phillies fans get to run the bases after Monday’s game. And the players and coaches get to throw shit and boo.

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By Craig Elliott

Yeah, sweep those smelly-ass beer farts out of town! The Astros have won six in a row and are 2.5 games off the wildcard lead. They’re also 5.5 games behind the Jakes, with two series left against them.

Nearly all of September will be played against playoff contenders (or at least they’re mostly in contention right now). In addition to seven big games with the Co-Ards, the Astros also have six with the Phillies, three more with the Commies, and first up, a three-game series with the goddamn New York Mets. Fucking blue-and-black traitor-hiring pieces of shit. Goddamn I hate the Mets.

Anyway, the assmunch Mets have gone 11-2 since mid-August. They’ve pretty much wrapped up the East, and at this point are just running victory laps and throwing dollars to the whores. Especially a certain Puerto Rican Whore. The Stem also picked up Shawn Green from the Snakes last week.

When:
Friday, September 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 2, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 3, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Saturday will be a New York broadcast.

Where: MMPUS

Friday will feature the usual fireworks and also Tino Wallenda will perform above homeplate after the game. Unfortunately, Wallenda just signed Scott Boras as his agent, and thought the tightrope was defective. So he held out for a no-frayed clause.

Giveaways this weekend include gym bags on Saturday and Minute Maid Park replicas on Sunday. Grandparents can also walk the bases after the game Sunday, though after a series with the Mets, Gramps will want to watch where he steps. And don’t forget to enter Grandma in the Stop Thief! Competition, in which Brad Ausmus will try to throw out your grandmother at second base.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just took three of four from the Pirates, including a 13-1 laugher on Sunday that helped Jason Hirsh to his second win. Houston is 3.5 games behind Cincinnati now, with a little more than a month left to play. Most of the National League is still in the wildcard chase too.

Now we get to see the Big Three of the rotation pitching at home, in the playoff chase. And speaking of playoff chase, it’s time to knock Milwaukee out of it. The Brewers just got swept in a four-game series with the Fish, so the road trip isn’t going well for them. Milwaukee is a game behind Houston in the wildcard race, and five games behind Cincinnati.

When:
Tuesday, August 29, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 30, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. After that long-ass road trip, it’s about time for some Yvette.

Where: MMPUS

Tuesday’s giveaway is the Clemens road T-shirt, so get there early. And on Wednesday they’re giving away the scratch tickets, where you could win things like a pinch on the ass from Milo, or your own chance to strike out Morgan Ensberg on three pitches. Also, watch for the upcoming MoBerg Night, when NASA rocketry scientists will be on hand to re-enact moonshots from third base to first.

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