By Craig Elliott

Oh yeah, Opening Day. Finally! This winter has been longer than a Morgan Ensberg home run drought. All I could do was sit and stare while the days crawled by.

We’re going to pump some new blood into the Series Previews this year, since I was getting kind of worn out and flaccid. In lieu of purchasing a cock-ring and several eightballs*, we’ve enlisted a full rotation of writers this year. We have a rotation of Taras Bulba, MRaup, and strosrays, with me and Foghorn in relief. So get ready for some book-larnin’.

Anyway … baseball!

The Astros had an eventful offseason. They’re so happy about Jennings and Lee that the Grocer is sporting a new Woody. Starin’ Andy went back to the Yankees, because they were stupid enough to think he can put in two more full seasons. In the annual Spring Rogerpalooza Tour, Clemens is waiting to see who among the Astros, Red Sox, and Yanquis sucks less balls at the end of May. So who the fuck knows. Go ask Alice.

As for the Pirates … well, you know. They picked up that LeRoach guy from the Braves. Dirty Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year, but he’s starting the season on the DL. And they still have Jason Bay. To sum it up, here’s the sunny outlook from the Pirates’ own website: “ … the Pirates are looking hard at finishing the season above .500 for the first time since 1992.”

Good luck with that.

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By Craig Elliott

Tighten your seat belts and hold on to the bar, because the mighty freight train is roaring toward Atlanta and crazy-ass Scrap Iron has the fucker floored. The Astros have raced back into contention, while St. Louis is folding like a shit-house of Cards. A beaten old deck of Cards, with only one ace and one king.

Once again it comes down to the last weekend of the season. You know the drill by now. Bust out your luckiest gear, perform your sacred rituals, and maybe even eat a sausage for the Brewers. Or drink a beer or something.

When:
Friday, September 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN, ESPN
Saturday, September 30, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? KNWS
Sunday, October 1, 12:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN

MLB Extra Innings ? All the games will be on somewhere, even if it’s TBS. And ESPN and Fox will probably be covering some too. At least until someone clinches.

Where: Edifice of Greed

For the first time in 15 years or something, the Blandwagon won’t be going to the playoffs, but it will kind of be the same because the Astros still get to end their season. Since their fans never showed up for the first round anyway, it should be interesting to see if they show up for the season-ender. Though after the last two postseasons, I imagine the ATL would love to fuck up the Astros’ playoff run.

Unless wrasslin’s on, of course.

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By Craig Elliott

Look out boys, Scrap Iron finally got the freight train rolling and coaxed it up to .500! The Astros are picking up steam while they grind out one win after another, and the Cardinals are in a tailspin that could be truly epic.

Two series left to go, though, so it’s going to be a tense week. And don’t forget the fucking Reds, who are still only a game behind the Astros. If the Jakes crash and burn, the Reds could be in the middle of the chase too.

The Pirates are no longer in the cellar, having handed that honor to the Cubs recently. But the Pirates are also on a four-game losing streak, including a sweep by the Padres.

When:
Tuesday, September 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Wednesday, September 27, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Thursday, September 28, 11:35 a.m. CDT ? FSN

MLB Extra Innings ? The first two games will be on the Pittsburgh broadcast, and Thursday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: PNC Park

The Pirates are 41-34 at home this year, so they’re no pushover. They’re also having some sweet giveaways during this series ? a Chevy SUV, a bass boat, and a snowmobile. They probably repo’d the boat from Derek Bell.

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By Craig Elliott

Well it may not be enough to catch St. Louis in the long run, but sweeping the Jakes out of town with four pounds of sand in their vaginas sure was fun to watch. The Astros are now 3.5 games behind the Co-Ards and one game ahead of the dipshit Reds.

The Jakes will finish the season at home with three games against the West-leading Padres, then four against the mighty Brewers, who, really, are one of my favorite teams and I hope they finish the season on a positive note with a sweep of the Jakes.

The Astros will be in Philadelphia long enough to kick the Phillies’ ass and take a dump, and then it’s off to Pittsburgh for like the 30th time this season. And the Astros will end the regular season with a series against the Braves, who are missing the postseason for the first time in 15 years or something. But the Astros will be there to abuse the Braves in the final series of the season … so at least it will seem like the playoffs to them.

Philadelphia is still leading the wildcard race, and it’s pretty well down to the Phillies and the Dodgers, who are a half-game back. The Astros are next at five games out. Philadelphia is on a five-game winning streak and has won 10 of its last 12, including a sweep in Houston last weekend. Ryan Howard is up to 58 homers now.

When:
Monday, September 25, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The game will be on the Fox Southwest feed.

Where: Citizens Bank Park

If the place is named for a bank, you’d think they’d know where to get financing for a fucking roof. Because I can think of one place right off the top of my head.

A win today will get the Astros to .500 again, which in the crappy NL Central is Within Official Striking Distance. Remember to pull for the Padres and Brewers according to your own special, twisted superstitions.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros are wrapping up the home schedule with a long series against the shitbird Jakes. In honor of his last home game as an Astro, Brad Lidge will ignite the finale in the fireworks show. And Morgan Ensberg will just sit and stare.

The Cardinals are 7.5 games up on Cincinnati and could clinch the division during this series. Or they could get their asses kicked and clinch next week. Here’s a stat you’ll love: Preston Wilson has six homers in 25 games for the Co-Ards. The Jakes have been bad on the road this year (34-43) and just lost two of three in Milwaukee.

When:
Thursday, September 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, September 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN, ESPN
Saturday, September 23, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 24, 7:05 p.m. CDT – ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – Thursday’s and Friday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. ESPN will show Friday’s and Sunday’s games, but it looks like no TV Saturday if you’re outside the Astros’ broadcast area. Or if you have my situation, even if you’re in the Astros’ home area, you won’t get to see the game because Fox Southwest will probably show the fucking Rangers again. Or lately, nothing at all.

I’m down to one or two games a week on the TV now. I got to see way more Astros games when I lived in Las Vegas and had MLBEI, even though I was blacked out by six fucking West Coast teams. Now I live in the Astros’ supposed home area and get to see fewer games then ever.

Which means I end up listening to Milo on commercial-free XM for half the games, instead of watching Fox and its advertisers for three hours. But if I lived further away I could watch it on Extra Innings. Brilliant fucking marketing there, MLB.

Where: MMPUS

It’s the last home series of the season, so Yvette’s got to clean out the goodie locker and start ordering things that rhyme with “3,000.” This is Fan Appreciation Weekend, plus there will be rally towels, Roger Clemens bobbleheads, fireworks, etc.

Projected Matchups

Chris Carpenter (15-6, 2.79) v. Andy Pettitte (13-13, 4.37)

Carpenter is 5-2 against the Astros, and 1-1 this year. That includes a complete-game shutout of Houston last week. Current Astros are 66-for-275 (.240) against Carpenter, with 21 walks and 55 strikeouts. Biggio is 9-for-28 against him, while Berkman is 5-for-25 with a double and four homers. Mike Lamb is 9-for-25 (.360) with four doubles, a triple, and a homer. Burke and Huff also have homers off Carpenter.

Andy is 2-0 against the Jakes in four appearances this season. He’s struck out 15 and walked four. Overall, current Shitbirds are 72-for-267 against Pettitte for a .270 average. Preston Wilson has two homers off him, as does Scott Rolen. Juan Encarnacion has one. Encarnacion is 13-for-35 (.371) against Andy, and Scott “Red Rocket” Spezio is 10-for-33. Pujols is only 4-for-21 against Pettitte.

Jason Marquis (14-15, 5.82) v. Jason Hirsh (3-4, 5.59)

Marquis is 2-2 against Houston this year with an ERA above 5. He only lasted an inning against the Astros last week, giving up four earned runs on five hits. Lance Berkman is 13-for-25 (.520) against Marquis, with three doubles, a triple, and a homer. Morgan Ensberg is 13-for-28 with three homers. Mike Lamb is only 1-for-16 against him, but the one hit was a homer. Luke Scott is 0-for-7.

Hirsh has never faced the Co-Ards. He only gave up two runs in six innings in his last start, but took the loss anyway.

Anthony Reyes (5-7, 4.92) v. Roy Oswalt (14-8, 3.05)

Reyes has pitched against the Astros twice this season, but has no record and a 5.56 ERA. The Astros are a collective 10-for-37 against him, with a homer from Biggio. Mike Lamb is 2-for-3 against Reyes, and Biggio is 2-for-4. Chris Burke is 2-for-5 with two doubles, and Berkman is also 2-for-5. Morgan Ensberg is 0-for-6 with five strikeouts.

Roy is 7-5 against the Jakes in his career, and 2-1 this year. In four starts against St. Louis this season, Oswalt has a 1.93 ERA over 23+ innings. In career numbers, current Jakes are 67-for-257 (.261) against Roy, with 12 walks and 48 strikeouts. PooHoles is 16-for-51 (.314) against him, with three doubles and three homers. Ronnie Belliard is 5-for-15, and Rolen is 8-for-33.

Jeff Weaver (7-14, 5.84) v. Matt Albers (0-2, 6.00)

Weaver is 4-1 on the road for the Jakes this season. He’s 2-3 against the Astros in six career appearances. He went five innings against Houston last week and gave up five earned runs, but got off the hook when Lidge blew the ninth inning.

Mike Lamb is 8-for-24 with two doubles and a homer off Weaver, and Aubrey Huff is 8-for-25 with three doubles. Lance Berkman is only 3-for-17 but has a double and a homer. Ausmus is 6-for-15 against Weaver, and Biggio is 5-for-14. Palmeiro and Burke each have a homer off Weaver also.

Albers has pitched 15 innings for the Astros this season, and given up 17 hits and 10 earned runs. He’s walked seven and struck out 11. He’s never faced the Co-Ards.

Key injuries:

St. Louis – Jason Isringhausen, Mark Mulder, Ricardo Rincon, Rick Ankiel, and Larry Bigbie are out for the season. Jim Edmonds probably is too, but he can’t remember which season it is. David Eckstein is limited to pinch-hitting and kickoff coverage.

Houston – Roy Oswalt has a neck problem but should be able to start. Willy Taveras is questionable.

By Craig Elliott

There’s only one realistic, meaningful goal that’s still reachable this year: knocking Cincinnati out of the playoffs too. Not that they need any help, but while they’re in town anyway ….

Houston just got swept by the Phillies, and that fucks up any slim hopes for the postseason. Six games under .500 is where the Reds should be, not the Astros, so maybe at least we can align the standings properly with this series.

Cincy is fading as well. The Reds just lost two of three to the Cubs, and before that they lost a series to the Padres. They’re a game and a half ahead of the Astros going into this series.

When:
Monday, September 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, September 19, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, September 20, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN, ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on Fox Southwest broadcast. No Skyline on the horizon.

Where: MMPUS

Promos include art cards and dollar hot dogs on Monday, and team posters on Tuesday and Wednesday. In the team poster, I wonder if Preston Wilson will be in his Cardinal uniform.

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