By Craig Elliott

So, while everyone else was stressing out over the trade deadline Monday afternoon, I was laid out in the hospital, getting my first colonoscopy. Talk about taking one for the team. I told the doctor that while she was in there snaking things out, to be on the lookout for any relievers or RBI batters. But as you know by now, the search was fruitless and there was nothing to pull out of my ass (though they did evict one of Roy Oswalt’s spies).

Anyway.

The Astros lost the chance to sweep the Pet Shop Boys, but did look a little better in taking the series. Houston is still only 4.5 games back in the wildcard race, though still looking up at most of the pathetic National League.

Arizona just split a doubleheader, and a four-game series, with the Cubs. They’re a game back of San Diego in the NL West, and only a half-game behind the Reds in the wildcard race.

When:
Friday, August 4, 8:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 5, 8:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 6, 3:40 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Friday. Saturday’s game will be on the Arizona feed, and Sunday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Chase Field

Arizona is dead-even at home this year, 26-26. However, the Astros are only 21-31 on the road. Any relievers who blow a lead for Roger this weekend may be found later, BOBbing in the swimming pool.

Read More

by Limey

Well, another trade deadline comes and goes, and all that happened is that SportsJustice showed himself to be King of the Ass Clowns at the Chronicle…again. An amazing streak when you realise that the staff there includes Jose de Jesus H. Ortiz and John McLain, a man blessed with a face for radio, a voice for print and a brain good for nothing. It seems to me that the personality trait required to be a Chronicle sportswriter is “arrogant fuckwit”. I’m surprised that none of these guys has yet been offered the job of managing the Mets. Maybe they’re holding out for the Cubs.

Anyway, with all that behind us now, it’s off to San Diego with essentially the same club that we’ve had for…ohhh…days now. Break out the strong Colombian* and be prepared for midnight meltdowns as the Astros take their collapsible bullpen to face the Pet Shop Boys. If Garner’s got any sense, he’ll head over to TJ, grab a truck load of stiffy pills, crush the tablets up and rub the powder onto the bullpen’s arms.

*Coffee. Why? What did you think I meant?

When:

Tuesday, August 1, 9:05pm CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, August 2, 9:05pm CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 3, 2:35pm CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – You’re on your own, kids.

Where: Petco Park

San Diego is a truly beautiful place. It’s also full of sailors so you are guaranteed a shag if you like cock; just make sure he buys the drinks because it’s fucking expensive. Speaking of liking cock, the Pads just picked up Todd Walker from the Cubs following on from their acquisition of Scott Williamson.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

The Astros seem to be in a Terry Schiavo-like state right now. Common sense says “have mercy and pull the damn plug,” but then a lazy eye seems to follow the balloon for a second or two and you think, “Hey! There MIGHT be an ounce of hope left!” But then reality sets in and you realize that even Terry Schiavo could work a walk from Brad Lidge right now … or at least an HBP.

Maybe Purpura can pull a miracle out of his ass this weekend, but I’m not holding my breath. The thing is, the parts already seem to be here and more or less in working order. It’s just that they don’t seem to work together as a whole. I guess Drayton can throw more money at the problem, but that still doesn’t mean this patient will get up and walk. Much less drive in a run.

Meanwhile … the Diamondbacks just dropped two of three to the Phillies, though they had won their four previous series. They’re three games behind the Padres in the West, and 2.5 games behind the Reds in the wildcard race. Third-baseman Chad Tracy is leading the team in homers, RBIs, hits, and runs, but he also has 93 strikeouts compared to 56 for the next-closest whiffer.

When:
Friday, July 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, July 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, July 30, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Saturday. Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: MMPUS

Lots of good promotions again this weekend. Friday will be 70’s Night, so bust out the Rainbow Guts. There will also be Colt Stadium replica giveaways, and of course the usual fireworks (but read the fine print, because it’s doubtful the fireworks will be provided by the Astros’ offense). Biggio figurines will be given away Saturday, and on Sunday it’s Matchbox cars. Sunday will also feature the always-popular Kids Run the Bases event, with an added twist: your youngster can choose to be either walked by Brad Lidge, or hit by a pitch.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

The Astros are returning from an uninspiring roadtrip, though it was fun to see the lolly-gagging Stem stepping on their own dicks Sunday. Now it’s back home for a series with the dipshit Reds, who are somehow still leading the wildcard race. But there are two months left in the season, and I don’t think Cincinnati can hold onto the lead.  Now would be a good time for the Astros to thump the punkass Reds and send the overachievers back to the bottom of the Ohio River where they belong.

The Reds have lost their last two series, though they swept four games from the Rukkakies right after the All-Star Break. They’re still barely holding onto the wildcard lead, but right now there are really only three NL teams (gNats, Cubs, Pirates) who are out of it. The Astros are 5 games behind Cincinnati, tied with L.A. and Colorado.

If the Astros’ marketing team were on the ball, we’d be seeing Sheriff Blaylock’s Authentic Chili Night right about now, with complimentary chocolate bars and packets of cinnamon to throw at Cincinnati players. Of course they’d probably just collect it all and save it for the next Greater Cincinnati Three-Way Cornhole Tournament.

When:
Tuesday, July 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, July 26, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, July 27, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday’s games will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: MMPUS

Thundersticks and chatterbats, whatever those are, will be the chief giveaways this weekend. I’ve never seen either of those things in action, but I have a hunch they are most effective when being pounded on the Reds’ dugout roof. While chanting “Jun-i-yooooor … come out to play-ee-ay!”

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Goddamn fucking New York Mets. I hate the cocksucking Stem like nothing else. Fucking Jeri-curled, black-and-blue, no-trade-clause-giving, Gascan-loving, unfit-to-wear-orange Mets. Their piece-of-dogshit stadium and assmunch fans can kiss my ass too. Fucking Mets.

So anyway. The Astros couldn’t even pull off a series win against the dumbass Cubs, despite throwing Roy, Roger, and Andy at them. Then the Astros responded by sending down Wandy, the team leader in wins and herpes. Matt Albers was called up for bullpen duty, so keep your fingers crossed. Purpura is still out there trying to land either another reliever or Miguel Tejada, depending upon whatever Polly Prissy Pants says at Pinwheel’s teaparty.

Also, in case you don’t read the Eastern media, the Stem have already won the National League this year. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s already been decided so we don’t even need an NLCS.    Just bow down to the altar of traitors, dipshits, and snivelers, and bring on the Yankees.

Goddamn fucking Mets.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

The Astros split four games with the Marlins, though it should have been better. Once again, Oswalt and Clemens were left searching for run support, though Aubrey Huff helped in recovering Oswalt’s game. Now it’s on to Chicago to try to dogpile the dumbass Cubs, who just suffered the indignity of giving up an 11-run inning. To the goddamn fucking Mets, who are next on the roadtrip by the way.

The Cubs are 21 games under .500, Wood and Prior are back on the DL, and Carlos Zambrano got knocked out of the All-Star game by a fungo bat. How ’bout those Cubbies?

When:
Tuesday, July 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, July 19, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, July 20, 1:20 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Tuesday’s game will be on the Chicago Fox broadcast, and the other two will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Wrigley Field

The Cubs are 15-27 at home this season, which is the worst home record in the majors. By comparison, the Royals are 19-23 at home.

On Thursday at Wrigley, the first 5,000 girls age 14 and under will get free doll-sized Cubs apparel. Miniature corked bats, puke stains, and Walkmen sold separately.

Read More