by Limey
Well, another trade deadline comes and goes, and all that happened is that SportsJustice showed himself to be King of the Ass Clowns at the Chronicle…again. An amazing streak when you realise that the staff there includes Jose de Jesus H. Ortiz and John McLain, a man blessed with a face for radio, a voice for print and a brain good for nothing. It seems to me that the personality trait required to be a Chronicle sportswriter is “arrogant fuckwit”. I’m surprised that none of these guys has yet been offered the job of managing the Mets. Maybe they’re holding out for the Cubs.
Anyway, with all that behind us now, it’s off to San Diego with essentially the same club that we’ve had for…ohhh…days now. Break out the strong Colombian* and be prepared for midnight meltdowns as the Astros take their collapsible bullpen to face the Pet Shop Boys. If Garner’s got any sense, he’ll head over to TJ, grab a truck load of stiffy pills, crush the tablets up and rub the powder onto the bullpen’s arms.
*Coffee. Why? What did you think I meant?
When:
Tuesday, August 1, 9:05pm CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, August 2, 9:05pm CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 3, 2:35pm CDT – FSN
MLB Extra Innings – You’re on your own, kids.
Where: Petco Park
San Diego is a truly beautiful place. It’s also full of sailors so you are guaranteed a shag if you like cock; just make sure he buys the drinks because it’s fucking expensive. Speaking of liking cock, the Pads just picked up Todd Walker from the Cubs following on from their acquisition of Scott Williamson.
Projected Matchups:
This could have been all over the place if The Count had actually traded Pettitte, Backe and Oswalt for Neifi Perez, but now Yahoo is suggesting that Gar will trot out that tired old trio of…wow…Pettitte, Backe and Oswalt! Backe may be subbed for anyone from Albers to Brangelina’s as yet unconceived second wunderkind, but the way the bullpen blows currently it doesn’t much matter.
Andy Pettitte (9-11, 5.18) vs. Jake Peavy (5-10, 5.01)
Pettitte has been pretty solid for the last month or so (the relief loss notwithstanding), but hasn’t been supported very much by the offense. He’s 1-1 lifetime vs. the Pads in 2 starts with a 4.50 ERA (10 innings, 5 earnies). Not much to go on really. He’s 3-6 on the road with a 6+ ERA in 10 starts, which is a little bit more info. None of it good. However, of the current opposition with any kind of sample size of at-bats against Andy, only Brandy Alexander has hit him well: 14-46 with 7 walks and a shibby for a .304 BA, 4.07 OBP.
Peavy has been solid against Houston in his career, going 4-3 with a 2.56 ERA in 8 starts. He should be happy to see this team rolling in to town because the rest of the league has been pounding him all year. So far he’s 5-10 with a 5.01 ERA overall, and his home form is an almost perfect sub-set of those numbers. He did have a quality outing against the Trolley Dodgers last time out, but was tagged for 7 runs in both his starts prior to that. I can’t see the Astros’ bats suddenly figuring out how to hit Peavy, so this one might be a low scoring game at least until Andy gives way to his “relief” pitchers.
Brandon Backe (1-1, 5.82) vs. Woody Fucking Williams (4-2, 3.69)
Brandon may or may not be fit, but you know that he’s not telling. 5 innings, 12 hits (none of them homers) and 5 earned runs is telling, however, and it says that Brandon has not yet got his stuff backe. He has one career start against San Diego, which went well as he gave up 1 run in 5.2 innings for the win. That wasn’t this year, of course. There’s a real possibility of a series of roster moves prior to this game, none of which I’m prepared to discuss here because I really haven’t been following the storylines. Just be aware that all this talk of Backe may well be mute.
Opposing the Astros today will be Woody Wi…motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker. Sorry. He has a decent record against the As…shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket shitbucket. Ah, bollocks to him.
Roy Oswalt (8-7, 3.29) vs. Clay Hensley (6-8, 4.46)
Other than his one bullpen appearance, which shall be forgiven because there’s pall of suck that hangs over that place against which no one is immune, Roy has been rock solid. His mouth has been more offensive than the bats supposedly supporting him, hence the near-.500 record. His career numbers against San Diego are spectacular: 6-1, 2.44. But, just as with every start for him this year, the result is all about the other 24 players on the roster as Roy will be Roy.
Clay Hensley turned down what would have been, with a name like that, a lucrative career in either the country or western music genres. He’s from Tomball so all he had to do was record a song that could be turned into a commercial for a truck, or beer, or both, and he’d be made. How those advertising geniuses keep finding country songs that can be turned into truck commercials never ceases to amaze me. But instead, Hensley chose baseball so that he can do things like pitch 6 innings of 2-run ball in Colorado…and still lose. Whatever happens tonight, I expect he and Roy to hug and cry at the end. Oh, he has a Blutarsky line against the Astros, the result of a 2-inning, scoreless, relief appearance.
Key Injuries:
Houston – Orlando Palmeiro (bereavement leave) and Jeff Bagwell (shoulder knack) will both join up with the team in San Diego. Funny how there’s never this rush to a road trip when they’re in Milwaukee. OP will likely be activated back to the bench, and Jeff will sit in the locker room and scowl at the hitters.
San Diego – Shawn (t)Estes went down with shoulder knack after his first start of the year and is done for 2006. Crisco, according to the temporally challenged Yahoo web page, is due back in June from elbow knack. Ben Johnson is on the 15-day with shoulder knack, but can come back any time he wants now (unlike the other Ben Johnson who was given an MLBesque lifetime ban that lasted about two years before he was allowed back only to be busted for cheating again and banned for life a second time). Chan Ho Park has been DL’d with bellyache, but they’re not saying if that’s his or the team’s.
Other Shit:
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