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  • Series Previews (Page 72)

Reds @ Astros – Seven Straight Losses On The Road (May 29-31, 2007)

Posted on May 29, 2007 by Dark Star in Series Previews

By ‘strosrays

Seven Straight Losses On The Road And I’m A-Gonna Make It Home Tonight

Reds (19-33) at Astros (21-29)

Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX  77002

a/k/a “Waterloo”, “Agincourt”, “The Crimea”, “Thermopylae”

*********

Tuesday, May 29, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 30, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

First of all, let me take this opportunity to apologize to Whoopass Nation for the tardiness of the posting of this Series Preview.  If nothing else, this should be convincing evidence to the mods here that I should probably never, ever be assigned to write anything that will come due just after a three-day holiday weekend.

Jesus H. Spare Rib, do I have a headache.  Yesterday was of course a day set aside for the celebration and remembrance of all those before us who paid the ultimate price to protect our freedoms and our way of life. It was also the final day of three days of abject dissolution, culminating with my neighborhood’s bi-annual “block party” (the other occurs on Labor Day), where every “grown up” on our street and the two on each side of us listens to loud classic rock music, eats obscene amounts of barbecued meat (slathered with sticky-sweet sauce and burnt, mostly); and pinto beans, potato salad, casseroles of dubious origin, etc.; and drinks enough beer and whatever else to float Derek Bell’s yacht.  Usually, one or more of my neighbors will get a snootful and pass out in his/her lawn chair, or make a sloppy pass at another neighbor’s wife or husband or teenage daughter. Sometimes the police are called in. Usually there are no lasting hard feelings, though, and in general a good time is had by all.

This time I was assigned about 40 lbs. of ribs (which never see BBQ sauce as long as they are under my control, thanks), plus chicken, and Italian sausage and kielbasa (my family is of mixed heritage.)  After 6-8 hours of slaving over the pit, I felt lodgy and mesquite- and pecan-smoked.  Pretty drunk, too.  It was sometime after that, probably around 8:00 p.m. or so, that my wife and I and several other couples were sitting around on lawn chairs in my neighbor Andrew The CPA’s driveway, listening to the Stones turned up loud and slamming down Heinekens, and enjoying lively if slurred and senseless neighborly conversation.  Somewhere in there Andrew’s wife, Dawn, who has said about two words to me in the ten years I’ve known her, decided to jump into the conversation.  After about ten too many ‘West Beaumont’ cosmopolitans (I think they were substituting 80 proof Patrón for the vodka), she decided to start divulging to all of us some of her most private sexual fantasies, in intricate detail. Then, by way of illustration I guess, she suddenly stood up unsteadily and yelled something (we were listening to a CD of  Exile on Main St., and the song “Rocks Off” had just kicked in), and then ripped open her floral print shirt to reveal some good old all-American size 34DD’s (she wasn’t wearing a bra – some of the wives on my block have recently taken up going sans brassiere around the neighborhood, I’ve noticed.)  I was trying to get a better look at what all those guys died fighting for, by squinting out of one eye, when my wife decided it was time to call it a night.

On the walk home, full of meat and beer and with the thought of my neighbor’s old lady’s tits still vivid in my head, it suddenly occurred to me for some reason, “Oh fuck!  I’ve got a Series Preview due in the morning.”

So when I got home, I took a shower and then went straight to bed.Read More

Neighbor's profundities, Season on the brink

Astros @ Diamondbacks – Here’s 10 Bucks, Bring Me The Head of Brandon Webb!

Posted on May 24, 2007 by MRaup in Series Previews

Bank One Ballpark Chase Field

Thursday, May 24, 8:40p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, May 25, 8:40p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 26, 8:40p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, May 27, 3:40p.m. CDT – KNWS

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Thursday
Wandy Rodriguez (2-3, 3.99) v. Micah Owings (2-1, 4.96)

Wandy’s fortunes with the W/L Gods have changed recently. From repeated hard luck loser to winner of his last 2 starts, thanks to decent run support and a lack of the “Wandy-Inning” (patent pending!).
Other than Livan Hernandez and Scott Hairston (both 2 for 2, each with a homer), the D-Backs haven’t done much against Wandy. Byrnes, Young, and Jackson all have a hit off him, but minimal damage otherwise.
(edited to fix my accidental Giants coverage… Sorry to bring back nightmares of Omar Visquel’s vacuum-like glovework)

Owings got shelled in his last start, at Pittsburg. He gave up 7 earnies in 2.2 innings against the Pirates, including two bases loaded walks. He faced Houston earlier this year out of the bullpen, and pitched 1 1/3 innings and gave up one run.
Berkman and Biggio both got hits off of him. Berkman’s double drove in Biggio. 4 other Astros have faced him, and they’re all 0-1.

Friday
Woody Williams (1-6, 5.52) v. Randy Johnson (2-2, 4.54) Edgar Gonzalez (1-2, 4.81) probably.

Woody has his quality start streak come to crashing halt against the Rangers in his last start, getting shelled and leaving the game before he completed 5 innings. For reasons I don’t understand, Woody tends to pitch up in the zone a lot. When you’re throwing 80ish miles an hour, that seems like a recipe for disaster… Or at least for burnt popcorn. Hopefully he can right the ship again against the D-Backs.
Eric Byrnes(4-9), Conor Jackson (5-14, 2 dingers), Chris Snyder (5-15), and Chad Tracy (8-28, 2 dongs) all tune up pretty good on Woodrow. Tony Clark (6-26) and Orlando Hudson (3-18) haven’t done much. Thank God Livan Hernandez isn’t pitching against Woody today, he goes 3 of 7 against Woody with 3 RBIs.

If you’re like me, you’re wearing a cumberbund and nothing else. Also, you’re wondering who the hell Edgar Gonzalez is. So are most of the Astros, except for Adam Everett. He is sporting a shiny 8.10 ERA in the month of May, 3 runs in 3.1 innings of bullpen work. If ever there was a game the Good Guys SHOULD win, its this one. Assuming that Livan Hernandez doesn’t pinch hit with the bases juiced, of course.
 The Good Guys have had a lot of success against Edgar in limited numbers. Adam Everett is 4 for 6 with 3(!!!!!!) home runs. Carlos Lee is 1 for 1 with an RBI. Mark Loretta is 2 for 3. Berkman is 2 for 5. Everyone that has faced him has a hit off him, but those are the ones that stand out. Bidge is only 1 of 5 against him. But, he’ll be fine.

Saturday
Chris Sampson (4-4, 3.31) v. Brandon Webb (3-3, 3.86)

What can you say about Chris Sampson? Guy has done everything you could possibly ask of him. He goes out, throws strikes, keeps the ball down, and keeps the Good Guys in games. He should be 6-2 by my count, but run support has been hard to come by.
 It has been feast or famine for the D-Backs against Chris. Chad Tracy (3-3, 3 doubles), Chris Young (3-4, 2 solo homers) had a good game against Sampson in Houston. Byrnes (1-3) and Snyder (1-3) both tallied singles. Everyone else that faced him, 0’s. Not too shabby, I’d say.

Oh how I hate Brandon Webb. Every pitch he throws looks like that funky Albers slider from the other night that JD said looked like a Whiffle ball. I have to believe that even Webb doesn’t know exactly where his pitches are going. Just that they are filthy.
 Carlos Lee (8-15), Mark Loretta (7-22),and Jason Lane (2-3) hit Brandon pretty well. After that things get dicey. Everett is 4 for 16, Iceberg is 2 of 12, Twinkie is 2 of 17, Officer Brad is 1 of 15, and Bidge is a miserable 1 of 21. On the plus side, Bidge’s one hit was a home run. The Muppet Messiah is 0-4 against Brandon, but don’t tell ESPN!

[b]Sunday[/b]
Roy Oswalt (6-3, 3.04) v. Livan Hernandez (4-2, 3.66)

Roy managed to turn a victory in to a loss in San Fran, pissing away a massive 2 run lead in the middle innings. I suspect that Roy can bounce back from the devastating loss, but we’ll just have to see. He has such a fragile ego, I’m not sure that 2 run single by Slo-Mo-lina is something he’ll ever recover from.
 The D-Backs haven’t had a ton of success against Roy. Chris Young (2-3), Chris Snyder (2-5), and Steven Drew (3-9) are the only real success stories. Livan Hernandez has a hit off Roy in four trips, la-de-dah. Byrnes (3-12), Tracy (4-18), and Orlando Hudson (2-13) join a not-so-exclusive club of guys that struggle against Sparky.

Giveaways this series …

Saturday visors and Sunday kid hats. Who Cares?

]Injury Report

Houston –

No new DL moves. Jennings should be activated soon, but he won’t pitch until after this series is over.
Giminez still is resting his torn labia.
Backe is still chomping at the bit, but won’t be back any time soon.

Brad Lidge went to Houston for a MRI on his knee. I’m sure it was Albert Pujols’ fault somehow.

D-Backs –

Jeff DaVavnon was just sent from the 15 day DL to the 60 day with some form of shoulder injury.
Chad Tracy is on the 15 day DL with a rib injury.

Not on the actual DL, but on the day to day list:
Randy Johnson will miss his Friday start with tendonitis in his throwing arm.
Chris Young has a strained vaginerrrr groin, but should be ready to play at some point in this series.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

[list][li] Hopefully the injury bug isn’t contagious. The D-Backs are struggling with a multitude of day-to-day injuries.

[/li][li] A new Astro-Killah is born. Chris Young (No, not Chris Young or even this Chris Young… Yeah, THAT Chris Young), bitter and pissed due to Houston completely ignoring him in the draft despite his 100 HR a season potential in Minute Maid Park, will probably run roughshod on the Good Guys again. Hopefully his groin injury keeps him in check until the series is over. [/li]

[li] The triumphant return of Morgan Ensberg… For at least one at-bat, it looked like maybe the MoBerg that actually swings the bat more than once a game had decided to return from his Fortress of Solitude. Course, he grounded into a double play his next at bat, so maybe there will be some kind of home run hitting/walking/double play hitting hybrid Ensberg (Caption to this picture: That’s right where the ball I dove for Wednesday night bounced off my glove) this go round. Or maybe Loretta will take over and everyone can just be happy (except Paul). [/li]
[/list]
 
And now, my open letter to the Houston Astros:

Dear Astros,
 STOP TAKING FUCKING STRIKE 3 YOU BUNCH OF SLAPDICKS!

 Love,
  Zipp’s Lackey
p.s. Jason Jennings, I apologize again for the laxative laced brownies Alkie sent you. I told him it was a bad idea but he wouldn’t listen. Who knew you could strain a tendon in your arm on the shitter.

Discuss today’s game in the  GameZone, but be nice to the Clarks. Those other Astros Message Boards are just too rough for their delicate sensibilities.

Astros at Giants – Oh, Barry Don’t You Weep No More

Posted on May 20, 2007 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

AT&T Park

Monday, May 21, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, May 22, 9:15 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, May 23, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

Since this is normally where I bitch about the stupid fucking blackout rule, I thought I’d explain my usual routine when sitting down to an Astros game. And now that I have a monster HD jumbotron, it’s even more relevant, and swear-worthy.

Usually it goes like this: turn on huge-ass TV, turn on satellite, tune to Fox Southwest. Wait anxiously, and then announce to anyone within earshot: “Goddamn Texas Rangers. They’re showing these fuckers AGAIN!” And then I go turn on XM Radio and bitch about Milo.

Sometimes there’s an alternate FSN channel, but it’s about as reliable as Morgan Ensberg with two strikes. Though I have to say, that Fox Southwest high-def channel is outstanding. If only I could just watch it every game, then I could shut my whore mouth about the shitty TV scheduling.
Read More

Rangers at Astros – Return of the Silver Boot and the Hippy Hoppy Bunny Edition

Posted on May 18, 2007 by Foghorn in Series Previews

By Foghorn

Minute Maid Park

Friday, 7:05 PM on KNWS
Saturday, 6:05 PM on FSSW
Sunday, 1:05 PM on FSSW

Notable giveaways

You want some free shit?  This is the series for you!!!!  Lookie Here….http://houston.astros.mlb…e/promotions.jsp?c_id=hou

Friday—fireworks, Coca Cola Value Night, and straw cowboy hats

Saturday—Camouflage Cap, Armed Forces Day, and a country concert with Jason Boland and the Stragglers (as opposed to Jason Bourne and the fuck-em-uppers).

Sunday—Astros wives versus Ranger wives in a softball game (betcha money Mrs. Ensberg looks at strike 3 to end a feverish comeback), and Lone Star Series T-Shirts
Read More

Gints in Necktown, Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah

Posted on May 14, 2007 by Taras Bulba in Series Previews

By Taras Bulba

Giants (19-18) at Astros (18-19)
Minute Maid Park
AKA “The Juice Box” (No, Barry—not that kind of juice)

Tuesday, May 15, 7:05 CDT-FSN
Wednesday, May 16, 7:05 CDT-FSN
Thursday, May 17, 7:05 CDT-FSN

On paper, it’s your classic matchup—two mediocre teams, San Fran (8-8 on the road and 5-5 in their last 10 games) doing battle with the HGH impaired Astros (8-9 at home and 6-4 over the last week and a half).  The Castro District Boys just took two out of three from Colorado, the last featuring some fairly rough S&M hijinks at the expense of former Astro, Taylor Buchholz.  Houston, meanwhile, did the same to Arizona, although Livian Hernandez just sort of rolled over and didn’t moan or anything.   He’s a veteran.

Read More

Diamondbacks @ Astros – Makin’ Friends (May 11-13, 2007)

Posted on May 10, 2007 by Dark Star in Series Previews

By ‘strosrays

Diamond(back)s Are A Churl’s Best Friend

Diamondbacks (19-17) at Astros (16-18)
Minute Maid Park, 501 Crawford St., Houston, TX  77002
a/k/a “The Juice Box”

*********

Friday, Once de Mayo, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, Doce de Mayo, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, Trece de Mayo, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

The weekend matchup features two of this season’s really streaky teams so far.  In arriving at their current 19-17 mark, the Diamondbacks have had two six-game winning streaks along the way, and two five-game losing streaks.  The Astros, of course, lost 5 of their first 6; won 8 of their next 9; lost seven straight; dicked around for a weekend in Milwaukee, drinking Milwaukee’s Best (though not in their clubhouse, of course) and eating brats and kielbasa (i.e., Slavic soul food); and since then have won six of their last nine.  What that all adds up to for this series is, well, who knows?  Arizona had a mini three-game winning streak snapped Wednesday by the Phillies, while the Astros were taking three of four from the Dickities at The Great Dickitie Ball Park in Dickitieburg Town.  So that means that, um, well. . . I’m betting one of the teams in this series will win two of three, I don’t know which, though.Read More

Drunken philosophers, steering SUVs, The Sea Hag
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