By Foghorn

Rangers Ballpark in Arlington

Friday, 7:35 PM on FSSW
Saturday, 2:55 PM on FOX (sweet, we get to see Jeanne Zelasko, owner of the biggest set of man hands this side of Rachel Ray)
Sunday, 7:35 PM on KNWS

Notable giveaways

In honor of Sammy the Clown’s 600th Home Run, the Rangers are giving all fans 16 and older a free 10cc injection of Durabolin. There are other festivities planned as well to celebrate the Hippy Hoppy Bunny’s historic HR, including:

–a pre-game demonstration on proper bat corking techniques
–loud salsa music blared over the PA to the annoyance of everyone else
–premature HR celebration/trot on fly balls to the warning track
–and much, much more.
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By Foghorn

For starters, I suck.  I typed this bad boy up on Monday night, but didn’t plan on posting it until Tuesday morning before heading off to the airport.  Well, one thing led to another (we’re selling our house and buying a new one) and I didn’t post it before leaving.  So I somehow managed to get upgraded to First Class on the flight so I finish up the preview, with full intentions of posting it when I got to the hotel (I’m in Ty’s territory, Brooksville, FL to be exact).  Problem is I got on the phone dealing with the inspectors for the house we are buying back home and I lost track of time.  So bottom line there isn’t a good story to go along with the tardiness.  No DDs were involved.  Just general ineptness.

Coors Field (5210 feet above sea level)

Tuesday, 8:05 PM on FSSW
Wednesday, 8:05 PM on FSSW
Thursday, 2:05 PM on FSSW

In the wake of that douche bag from St. Louis getting all liquored up, smoking some weed, driving over the speed limit, while talking on the phone, not wearing the seatbelt and then killing himself, there’s been a lot of talk of clubs banning alcohol in the clubhouse.  What a crock of shit.  MLB sells itself to every beer company out there (Busch Stadium, Miller Park, and Coors Field) like a 3-dollar crack whore in the need of a quick fix.  Its easy to picture Selig, walking around in a daze calling representatives from Shiner, Dixie and Pabst Blue Ribbon sayin “Come on, come on, I need a fix. I’ll suck yo’ dick…”

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By Foghorn

Minute Maid Park

Friday, 7:05 PM on KNWS
Saturday, 6:05 PM on FSSW
Sunday, 1:05 PM on FSSW

Notable giveaways

You want some free shit?  This is the series for you!!!!  Lookie Here….http://houston.astros.mlb…e/promotions.jsp?c_id=hou

Friday—fireworks, Coca Cola Value Night, and straw cowboy hats

Saturday—Camouflage Cap, Armed Forces Day, and a country concert with Jason Boland and the Stragglers (as opposed to Jason Bourne and the fuck-em-uppers).

Sunday—Astros wives versus Ranger wives in a softball game (betcha money Mrs. Ensberg looks at strike 3 to end a feverish comeback), and Lone Star Series T-Shirts
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By Foghorn

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, 7:05 PM on FSSW
Wednesday, 7:05 PM on FSSW
Thursday, 7:05 PM on KNWS

Notable giveaways

Double Play Tuesday, where you get 2 cheap seats for $2 by bringing in a neck ring/label from a 32oz bottle of PowerAde.  Gotta buy your tickets at the box office though.

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By Foghorn

Minute Maid Park

Monday, 7:05 PM on KNWS
Tuesday, 7:05 PM on FSSW

Notable giveaways

Nothing but the Double Play Tuesday, where you get 2 cheap seats for $2 by bringing in a neck ring from a 32oz bottle of PowerAde.  Gotta buy your tickets at the box office though.
Heckuva promotion though.  You plan your trip just right, you can get in and out for under $10.  I’ll be there with my oldest daughter.  Look for the little girl asking: “Can I have a hot dog, can I have a hot dog, canihaveahotdog, canihaveahotdog…” or the father going “no, you just ate, no you just ate, noyoujustate, noyoujustate…”.

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