Astros at Rangers – Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Boot Edition

Posted on June 22, 2007 by Foghorn in Series Previews

By Foghorn

Rangers Ballpark in Arlington

Friday, 7:35 PM on FSSW
Saturday, 2:55 PM on FOX (sweet, we get to see Jeanne Zelasko, owner of the biggest set of man hands this side of Rachel Ray)
Sunday, 7:35 PM on KNWS

Notable giveaways

In honor of Sammy the Clown’s 600th Home Run, the Rangers are giving all fans 16 and older a free 10cc injection of Durabolin. There are other festivities planned as well to celebrate the Hippy Hoppy Bunny’s historic HR, including:

–a pre-game demonstration on proper bat corking techniques
–loud salsa music blared over the PA to the annoyance of everyone else
–premature HR celebration/trot on fly balls to the warning track
–and much, much more.
Read More

Astros at Angels: Into the Land of Money Shots and Honey

Posted on June 18, 2007 by Taras Bulba in Series Previews

By Taras Bulba

Astros (30-39) at Angels (44-26)
Angel Stadium of Anaheim
AKA “The Halo” “The Horns of Hattin”

Monday, June 17, 9:05 CDT-FSN
Tuesday, June 18, 9:05 CDT-KNWS
Wednesday, June 19, 9:05 CDT-FSN

Houston completes its tour of the American League West with a scratch and sniff of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Greater Orange County, a team that has raped and pillaged its way to a record in major league baseball second only to the Red Sox. Yeah, they’re a bunch of Angelinos, fond of doing lunch and using “babe” a lot in sentences, but this team has been a juggernaut, going 27-9 since May 9th after some early season injuries. Sterling starting pitching, a solid bullpen, and serial raking occurring throughout the lineup has meant bad news for opposing teams. However, a couple of injuries on Saturday to their number five and six hitters (Garret Anderson and Casey Kotchman) may slow them down a bit. At least it will give Scioscia something to do and keep him a little busy ( managing a real good team in the Arena League most often finds him already passed out under the buffet table before the game has even ended). So, what’s so good about the Angels? The team is fast—both in the field and on the bases (they lead the AL in steals). Left fielder Reggie Willitz and and centerfielder/HGH enthusiast Gary Matthews, along with third baseman Chone Figgins provide speed at the top and bottom of the lineup. Orlando Cabrera is having a banner year at short, both in the field and at the plate. They’ve got solid catchers in Mike Napoli and Jose Molina and a young star in Howie Kendrick at second. And then there is Vladimir “Salahadin” Guerrero. Like Moises Alou, he enjoys urinating on his hands and knocking the shit out of the ball. Vlad is not picky about the strike zone—he’ll hit the ball wherever. He’s not fond of speaking English and can take some curious routes to balls hit to right field (is there a correlation?). But he can damn sure come up firing when he gets to a ball hit his way. That means you, Lance Berkman. Pitching wise, the Angels are looking impressive, with Lackey, Cologne, Escobar, and Santana anchoring the rotation and a bullpen that has exhibited real shut down effectiveness with Shields and Carrasco setting up Francisco Rodriguez. They are exactly the type of club that can dominate—they can score and they can defend.

You’re not in Kansas City, Dorothy Astro. Better add some steak to go with the sprouts if you want to beat these boys.

Mariners @ Astros – Smells Like Team Spirit (June 15-17, 2007)

Posted on June 14, 2007 by Dark Star in Series Previews

By ‘strosrays

SMELLS LIKE TEAM SPIRIT
Here we are now, entertain us

Mariners (35-28) at Astros (27-39)
Minute Maid Park, 501 Crawford St., Houston, TX 77002
a/k/a “The ~~Heart-Shaped~~ ~~Man In A~~ Juice Box”

*********

▪Friday, June 15 (7:05 p.m. CDT) – FSN

▪Saturday, June 16 (6:05 p.m. CDT) – KNWS (Kick-ass Nine Watt Signal)

▪Sunday, June 17 (1:05 p.m. CDT) – FSN

********

Fell On Black Days

Whatsoever we’ve feared has come to life. The Astros, who admittedly had some pretty obvious holes coming into the 2007 season, have verified about ten times over by now that they are, at best, presently a mediocre team. Any sliver of hopeful news, or brief interlude of good play, is almost immediately followed by some depressing reminder that this team ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. Two steps forward, three steps back.

Well, it is depressing if one thought they were going anywhere in the first place. And we won’t even get into the agonizing, vein-popping daily hell the fans who know better than Tim Purpura and Phil Garner and everybody else combined are going through. The season could’ve been saved if those idiots had only listened! Instead, their little conspiracy of mediocrity has prevailed once again. Goddammit! Line up the bastards, all we want is the truth. It is enough to make one want to call up Rich Lord, or Charlie Palillo. How would we know that this could be our fate?

On the other hand, the world weary, cynical Astros fan who expects nothing good to ever happen, in a fear-driven attempt to protect himself from any disappointment at all (God bless, what a sensitive mess), is no better than the hot-headed morons who think they know the answers, if only someone would fucking listen.

One of the hardest life lessons being an Astros fan has taught me is that a good deal of the time, things don’t go my way at all, and there is not a fucking thing I can do about it. There is no recourse, no one I can call and complain to, no one’s ass I can go kick to make it all better. Sometimes, even, you’ll find me sitting by myself, no excuses that I know. I just have to take it, all the better if I can do so with a little grace, and then move on. It takes some time to learn this, and how to do it; to balance precariously between being an angry know-it-all, and a baseball nihilist. Of course, like a surprising number of things one can learn from playing and/or being a fan of baseball, this almost existential patience has direct applications to everyday life as well. I used to marvel at my parents’ ability to wait seemingly forever for me to come around, while I was careening around all wild-ass and directionless from about age 14 to 25 or so. But I finally did come around (sort of), and all the while they exhibited this preternatural calm and patience with me, like they knew it would come eventually, all along. The thing is, when I became aware enough to realize what they had so amazingly done, basically having shepherded me (and three equally unrestrained siblings) through the minefield of adloescence and young adulthood, in the anything goes 1970’s, no less, and with a lot of extra crap and obstacles thrown in, all the while maintaining a measure of dignity and not going out of their fucking minds; well, I was awestruck by it. It reminded me of watching a concert pianist, or someone who was really good at woodworking or drawing or some other art that was entirely beyond my grasp. I wasn’t so much impressed by all the hard work and effort that went into mastering the skill, because I couldn’t even imagine myself being able to do it at all. I knew I would never have that kind of patience and wisdom and confidence in the future, and would be more likely go completely stark raving batshit as a parent, myself.

What’s funny is, that sort of worldy-wise restraint began to come to me, anyway, almost despite myself. Having a mouthy fourteen-year-old will test anyone, and I have always been one to swing first and worry about the consequences later, figuratively and literally. So I am a little amazed those times when I am provoked and instead of going off, I hold back and do something infinitely more wise. Where the hell did that come from? I sure did not see it coming.

This is the time for acting like adults, Astros fans. A time for being clear-eyed, and understanding exactly what it is we are looking at here. A time for taking the long view. We are watching a team in a transitional phase that is trying to compete at the same time, bless them. But that is really, really hard to do. There will likely be many more bumps in the road, this season and beyond, before they get back to where we want them, to where we hope they should be. Meantime, we should try and remember what a cool thing it is to be able to watch this team, any team, go out ond play on the green grass every day and night. And that sometimes, the lessons of baseball and the lessons of life do converge. All good things. In their time.Read More

Grunge ball, Johjimi & the pink robots, Weaver manicures his lid

A’s at Astros – The Greatest Rivalry in Baseball Continues!

Posted on June 12, 2007 by MRaup in Series Previews

By MRaup

A’s at Astros – The Greatest Rivalry in Baseball Continues!
(Fuck the American League)

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, June 12, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, June 13, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, June 14, 1:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS

Astros at White Sox/Cubs – Get a Haircut, and Get a Real Job

Posted on June 8, 2007 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

U.S. Cellular Field

Friday, June 8, 7:11 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, June 9, 2:55 p.m. CDT – Fox
Sunday, June 10, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

This series could be a real shit-fest, with the White Sox losing 10 of their last 12 games, and the Astros losing 16 of their last 20. Other Suck Factors include Lance Berkman’s impending suspension for Returning to the Scene of the Crime, Carlos Lee’s lack of hustle when he goes anywhere except Waffle House, and the fact that Ozzie Guillen is still going batshit insane.
Read More

Astros at Rockies – Foggy Lays an Egg Edition

Posted on June 6, 2007 by Foghorn in Series Previews

By Foghorn

For starters, I suck. I typed this bad boy up on Monday night, but didn’t plan on posting it until Tuesday morning before heading off to the airport. Well, one thing led to another (we’re selling our house and buying a new one) and I didn’t post it before leaving. So I somehow managed to get upgraded to First Class on the flight so I finish up the preview, with full intentions of posting it when I got to the hotel (I’m in Ty’s territory, Brooksville, FL to be exact). Problem is I got on the phone dealing with the inspectors for the house we are buying back home and I lost track of time. So bottom line there isn’t a good story to go along with the tardiness. No DDs were involved. Just general ineptness.

Coors Field (5210 feet above sea level)

Tuesday, 8:05 PM on FSSW
Wednesday, 8:05 PM on FSSW
Thursday, 2:05 PM on FSSW

In the wake of that douche bag from St. Louis getting all liquored up, smoking some weed, driving over the speed limit, while talking on the phone, not wearing the seatbelt and then killing himself, there’s been a lot of talk of clubs banning alcohol in the clubhouse. What a crock of shit. MLB sells itself to every beer company out there (Busch Stadium, Miller Park, and Coors Field) like a 3-dollar crack whore in the need of a quick fix. Its easy to picture Selig, walking around in a daze calling representatives from Shiner, Dixie and Pabst Blue Ribbon sayin “Come on, come on, I need a fix. I’ll suck yo’ dick…”

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