By Taras Bulba
Astros (30-39) at Angels (44-26)
Angel Stadium of Anaheim
AKA “The Halo” “The Horns of Hattin”
Monday, June 17, 9:05 CDT-FSN
Tuesday, June 18, 9:05 CDT-KNWS
Wednesday, June 19, 9:05 CDT-FSN
Houston completes its tour of the American League West with a scratch and sniff of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Greater Orange County, a team that has raped and pillaged its way to a record in major league baseball second only to the Red Sox. Yeah, they’re a bunch of Angelinos, fond of doing lunch and using “babe” a lot in sentences, but this team has been a juggernaut, going 27-9 since May 9th after some early season injuries. Sterling starting pitching, a solid bullpen, and serial raking occurring throughout the lineup has meant bad news for opposing teams. However, a couple of injuries on Saturday to their number five and six hitters (Garret Anderson and Casey Kotchman) may slow them down a bit. At least it will give Scioscia something to do and keep him a little busy ( managing a real good team in the Arena League most often finds him already passed out under the buffet table before the game has even ended). So, what’s so good about the Angels? The team is fast—both in the field and on the bases (they lead the AL in steals). Left fielder Reggie Willitz and and centerfielder/HGH enthusiast Gary Matthews, along with third baseman Chone Figgins provide speed at the top and bottom of the lineup. Orlando Cabrera is having a banner year at short, both in the field and at the plate. They’ve got solid catchers in Mike Napoli and Jose Molina and a young star in Howie Kendrick at second. And then there is Vladimir “Salahadin” Guerrero. Like Moises Alou, he enjoys urinating on his hands and knocking the shit out of the ball. Vlad is not picky about the strike zone—he’ll hit the ball wherever. He’s not fond of speaking English and can take some curious routes to balls hit to right field (is there a correlation?). But he can damn sure come up firing when he gets to a ball hit his way. That means you, Lance Berkman. Pitching wise, the Angels are looking impressive, with Lackey, Cologne, Escobar, and Santana anchoring the rotation and a bullpen that has exhibited real shut down effectiveness with Shields and Carrasco setting up Francisco Rodriguez. They are exactly the type of club that can dominate—they can score and they can defend.
You’re not in Kansas City, Dorothy Astro. Better add some steak to go with the sprouts if you want to beat these boys.
Projected Matchups
(http://houston.astros.mlb…ble_pitchers.jsp?c_id=hou)
Monday
Chris Sampson (6-5, 3.29) v. John Lackey, RHP (10-4, 2.53)
Sampson has been the success story of the year for Houston pitching so far this season with seven straight quality starts. He allowed just two runs over seven innings in his last start before Wheeler imploded followed by the publicized hissy fit and refusal of a group hug (with no fruit cup). With Lackey, the Angels have the midseason favorite for AL all-star league starter and Cy Young winner. He’ll be gunning to be the major’s first 11 game winner and the 40th to completely baffle Astro hitters. Lackey has a low 90s fastball, a great curve, and an effective change. He’s also from Abilene, Texas. Drayton needs to ask him about his ranch status.
Jason Jennings (0-1, 3.18) versus Bartolo Colon, RHP (6-2, 5.73)
Well, Jennings has been okay this year when he’s been out there. But, you know the story thus far—sore, hurt, disabled, tender, crunchy, moist, well marbled—you get the picture. He only went four innings in his last start, hampered by elbow/shoulder tenderness and/or a hyper extended butt. He’ll be opposed by Colon, a crafty veteran, adept at using his hideous visage to frighten batters, children, and old people. Colon is still highly effective when he has command, but can be lit up on occasion. Viewer note: as the game is being carried on the 9 watt KNWS out of Nuevo Laredo, camera angles may be a bit fuzzy which will hopefully dampen the horrific sight of Colon. Jennings’ ass, however, can sometimes expand even in dim lighting conditions.
Wandy Rodriguez (4-6, 4.19) versus Ervin Santana, RHP (5-7, 5.04)
Rodriguez turned in his career best effort in his last start, going 7 2/3 innings and giving up only an inside the park homer, courtesy of Hunter PENCE!!!’s zig zag machine gun fire avoidance route that he took to the ball. Wandy had great command and changed speeds very effectively throughout the start. The Mariner hitters had a consistent look of “Why the hell can’t we hit this shit?” all night. Ervin “Black Magic” Santana lost his last start in a pitcher’s duel with Derek Lowe, despite having excellent command and yielding only five hits. Santana is only 24 years old but is well thought of by Scioscia and has an apparently bright future. Hopefully, that future brightens several starts after his appearance against Houston.
Giveways
(http://losangeles.angels….e/promotions.jsp?c_id=ana)
Show up Monday night at the House that Gene Built and you get a Mike Scioscia t-shirt, celebrating him as the organization’s most winning manager. It’s red; Mike’s favorite jersey color because it nicely disguises both marinara sauce and the clear. Or, is it the cream? Tuesday night you get a watch, sponsored by the San Diego Zoo. I’m guessing they’re left over Padre watches. As they say in So Cal: “Whatever.”
Injury Report
(http://losangeles.angels….eam/injuries.jsp?c_id=ana)
DH/LF Garret Anderson just went on the DL with a hip flexor after a session of contact pilates. 1B Casey Kotchman got his bell rung and is day to day. Maicer Izturis is out due to a “tight right hamstring.” His roommate has a “fatigued groin.” Put two and two together. There are some other Angels out but it’s not like the team is missing them. Figgins is thinking of going on the DL to cut a rap album and gain some street cred. By the way, was there a “Bloods and Crips Day” during the just completed Dodgers/Angels series? If not, those lazy Angelinos are missing out on some brilliant marketing opportunities. Jeff Kent with a blue bandana and baggy pants making gang signs at the Angels? Beautiful.
(http://houston.astros.mlb…eam/injuries.jsp?c_id=hou)
Everett is out with his broken leg, courtesy of the buffoonish El Nalgon, and idiot Houston sports fans are thrilled. White was activated Sunday after loading up on sausage wraps for the last two weeks. As Rick’s colon goes, so goes the Houston bullpen. Jennings is currently off the DL, but is standing by for a shoulder/elbow issue to return him to his rightful place. Backe is “lookin’ to git into this fight before the shootin’ is over” but he still “ain’t feelin’ right.” He’s been asking the medical staff to “cut this damn Yankee bullet out of mah arm so ah can git back to mah regiment.” Thus far they have refused. Hector Gimenez is still out after his labiaectomy, but reports that he feels “pretty.”
Houston is playing its best baseball of the season, gaining their first sweep against the Mariners, after losing two out of three to the A’s in a series that they could have just as easily swept. They are suddenly knocking the crap out of the ball while getting decent starting pitching and good bullpen work. Oswalt is not pitching like the Sparky we know, but he’s pitching good enough and the rest of the starting staff is battling. Brad “Bohemond” Lidge, Dan “Godfrey” Wheeler, and Chad “Raymond” Qualls look to be in that killer closeout mode we have come to expect from previous seasons. More impressive, the lineup has suddenly cried, “Deus le Volt!” as Hunter “Peter Bartholemew” PENCE!!!, Carlos “Guy of Lusignan” Lee, Mark “Hugh of Ibelin” Loretta, and Mike “Humphrey of Toron” Lamb are all at or above .300. Lance “Raynald of Chatillon” Berkman shows signs of unsheathing his mighty sword, apparently after it had rusted in its scabbard up until the last week (a big thanks to Mrs. Berkman aka Sibylla of Jerusalem for her work on lubing Lance’s saber). Brad “Balian of Ibelin” Ausmus is up to .273 just to piss off Houston radio talk show hosts and their fellow idiot callers. Nice work, Brad. Craig “Walter the Penniless” Biggio continues his quest for the grail and has had some big hits in the last week on what had previously begun to look more like a death march to 3,000 smites of the ball. Good going, Craig and lay off the sliders and scimitars. Okay, enough of the Crusades stuff.
While the sweep of the Mariners injected some hope that the Astros may still resurrect the season, the immediate impact is the restoration of “fun” both to the players and fans alike. What’s not to like about Lamb knocking the cover off the ball and Berkman hitting some frozen ropes? It’s even nice to see Bruntlett back up with the team and channeling a little Everett at short. Nobody knows if Houston can stay hot against the Angels, but ten days ago they looked like a team with no chance and today we’re all looking forward to seeing the matchup with an AL powerhouse.
PENCE!!! used the word, “swagger” twice in an interview following yesterday’s game. I’m pretty sure that if Bagwell were still in the clubhouse, young Hunter would be hanging from an uncomfortable position off of a locker room hook.
Some days just suck. That’s when it is good to have Jim Deshaies and Bill Brown on the telecast. Listening to them is a pleasure of summer. Greg Lucas is fine despite his penchant for cross dressing and fanning himself around Luke Scott. I’m not sure about Jimmy Wynn, though. He played for the Dodgers and is a Crip.
Beat the Angels. God wills it!