By Taras Bulba
Giants (19-18) at Astros (18-19)
Minute Maid Park
AKA “The Juice Box” (No, Barry—not that kind of juice)
Tuesday, May 15, 7:05 CDT-FSN
Wednesday, May 16, 7:05 CDT-FSN
Thursday, May 17, 7:05 CDT-FSN
On paper, it’s your classic matchup—two mediocre teams, San Fran (8-8 on the road and 5-5 in their last 10 games) doing battle with the HGH impaired Astros (8-9 at home and 6-4 over the last week and a half). The Castro District Boys just took two out of three from Colorado, the last featuring some fairly rough S&M hijinks at the expense of former Astro, Taylor Buchholz. Houston, meanwhile, did the same to Arizona, although Livian Hernandez just sort of rolled over and didn’t moan or anything. He’s a veteran.
Projected Matchups
(http://houston.astros.mlb…ble_pitchers.jsp?c_id=hou)
Tuesday
Matt Morris, RHP (4-1, 3.11) v. Woody Williams (1-5, 5.10)
Two former goddamn Cardinals go at it to prove who had the biggest weenie after all, but he ain’t named “Woody” for nothing and he’s a Texan besides. Little Matt Morris has had good and bad days against Houston over his career and he’s off to a decent start in 2007 with a history of pitching well in Houston. He’s not the Morris of old, but will probably muster a little extra oomph against his former teammate. You know everything there is to know about Williams: he’s struggled at times, has given up some dicey innings here and there, but should probably be sporting a better record—thems the breaks. It’s hard not to like Williams and he’s fun to watch working hitters, being the sneaky little shit that he is.
Wednesday
Noah Lowry, LHP!!! (4-3, 3.18) v. Matt “Fat” Albers (1-2, 5.47)
A left handed change up specialist—yeah, that’s just the ticket for our boys—Garner may just say to hell with it and go down to Bolivar to gig flounders that night. Lowry has pitched well this season and has worked deep into every start. He’s been effective against Houston (3-0, 1.17) in his career. He’ll be going against Albers who pitched like he yearned for a return to Williamson County in his last start, getting drilled by the Dickities. Before that, Albers had looked fairly impressive. He’s probably on dope.
Thursday
Tim Lincecum, RHP (1-0, 5.56) v. Roy Oswalt (6-2, 3.14)
This could be a helluva matchup, as Lincecum is being compared to Oswalt (looks like a banty rooster and can bring the cheese). Lincecum, 22 years old, was the Giants 1st round pick in 2006 and won his second start last week, going 7 innings and striking out 6 against the Rockies. But, it ain’t in Oswalt’s upbringing and such to back down from a fight, so Roy will have his game face on. The 2007 Roy O. has tweaked his game a little by moving away from a power approach toward tossing fewer pitches and making batters hit ‘em where he wants ‘em to go. You can’t argue with the results and the good thing to know about Oswalt is that the giddy up is still there when he needs it. This could be a fun one to watch.
Swag
(http://houston.astros.mlb…e/promotions.jsp?c_id=hou)
Show up Wednesday night and get a free car wash coupon from Bubbles Car Wash. I wonder if that place is anything like the car wash scene in “Cool Hand Luke.” Probably not.
Injury Report
San Francisco (http://sanfrancisco.giant…team/injuries.jsp?c_id=sf)
Dave Roberts is on the 15 day DL with left elbow bone spurs and Russ Ortiz is out with right elbow neuritis due to throwing dice and refereeing cockfights.
Houston (http://houston.astros.mlb…eam/injuries.jsp?c_id=hou)
Jennings is allegedly throwing well and trying on pants that will hide his large butt. He may be back soon. Backe has declared his intention of “gittin’ in this thang if it short dicks the governors in three states.” The jury’s out on that. Gimenez has a nice shiny new right labia but he can’t use it until next year. Good news is that the Sausage King (Rick White) is back and throwing strikes and emitting methane like he never left.
Things to Look For and Other Stuff
Barry is coming to town along with his size 18 hat and the fastest bat alive. The bad news for Houston is that he is due for a little bleacher action; his last homer coming on May 8th (he’s got 11 for the season). He’s hitting .333 on the road and pretty much the same against both right and left handers. Danny Darwin isn’t around any more and Russ Springer is a Co-ard, so it will be up to Revert to Laredo some inside skinny to Barry. Of course, if you come inside to Barry, come w-a-y inside or the ball will be leaving the park in a hurry. Bonds is the best hitter that most folks have ever seen and also one of the most awful personalities since Pete Rose. He may be one of the very best to ever lace them up, but when he walks down the street, people are not real likely to say, “There goes the greatest hitter who ever lived.” More likely, it will be something along the lines of what an enormous dickhead he was. Hey, Barry: Ty Cobb was arguably the best but when he died, four people showed up at his funeral and none of them were related to him.
Ryan Klesko is a Giant. He’s pretty much a shell of his former Padre self and probably exists for the sole reason of coming to Minute Maid to rake. The guy has hit 272 dingers in his career and 271 of them came at MMPUS. He’s hitting .429 this year against lefties, so Revert won’t be the obvious solution here. Lidge, or maybe a lead pipe may do the trick.
Alice Pettitte pitched well against Seattle the other night, but lost 2-1. I think that may have been a typo in the reporting, since we were assured that poor run support ONLY happens with Houston. Alice doesn’t live here anymore, and his New York chums are struggling with angst and other east coast maladies while the drunken Red Sox are mopping the floor in the AL East. At least Alice will be soon comforted by Clemens’ embrace and they’ll at least have each other while staring up at Boston and Big Papi’s ass.
Burke’s in Round Rock, Ensberg is an enigma, and Lane is waxing poetic on the bench. Have you ever seen a set of candy asses like these? Combined, they may bring a case of Schlitz and a rhesus monkey in a trade—what the hell can you do with ‘em? I have no idea how a manager or a GM can last a season without developing irritable bowel syndrome. Maybe the answer is to have a rhesus monkey fling monkey shit at Morgan. Nah, he’d just take it.
Someday this war’s gonna end.