By Craig Elliott

The Astros got a nasty cockpunch from the Reds, though a nice comeback Wednesday helped ease the swelling a little. Ouch. Meanwhile, the wildcard race is slipping away, despite every line-up Garner can pull out of his ass. Maybe a four-game set with the Pirates will help set things right.

The Pirates just took two of three in Atlanta. But they still have the worst record in the National League, and only Kansas City is worse in the majors. Jason Bay is leading the team in pretty much everything, including homers with 28.

When:
Thursday, August 24, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, August 25, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 27, 12:35 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Saturday’s game will be on Fox Southwest. All the others will be on the Pittsburgh feed.

Where: PNC Park

There will be fireworks after each of the first three games. And then during Sunday’s game, the Pirates will reveal the name of their new mascot. Here are a few suggestions:

* Pegleg Milo
* Derek Bell
* Ghost of Nancy Wilson
* Dreamboat Manny

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros worked a split in Milwaukee, and now travel to Cincinnati for some overdue business with the Dickities. This is the last trip to Cincy this year, and the next-to-last series with the pissant Redlegs. At five games back, the Astros need to make up some ground in this series.

On the other hand, a beatdown from the Reds now would officially make us their bitch for the season. And that’s no fun in a city where they casually toss around the word “cornhole.”

The Dickities just won a series against the Pirates, and earlier in the week they lost two of three to the Co-Ards. They’ve somehow hung on to the wildcard lead, despite going 9-10 so far in August. There must be a vacuum of Suck that’s keeping the rest of the NL from reaching the Reds.

When:
Monday, August 21, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, August 22, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 23, 11:35 a.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The first two games will be on the Skyline feed, and the Wednesday game will be on Fox Southwest. I strongly recommend eating BEFORE the Monday and Tuesday games, so you don’t lose your appetite with all the commercials for shitty chili.

Where: Great American Ballpark

The Reds are 33-32 at home this year, while the Astros are 25-34 on the road. The Astros also lost two of three on the last trip to Cincinnati, and are 2-7 against the Reds this season.

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By Craig Elliott

A sweep. A sweep by the goddamn dumbass Cubs. With Oswalt, Clemens, and Pettitte pitching at home. Every fan who stayed to the end of the 18-inning game should have won a year’s supply of LOBsters. Except for all those dipshits behind the Cubs dugout in the 18th inning. They can go blow goats or whatever it is that Cubs fans do in Houston.

The Astros are now five games behind the Dickities in the wildcard race, and looking up at most of the NL West as well. This playoff run feels more like slogging through the cinnamony mud of the Ohio River. With a pulled groin.

The Brewers just took two of three in Pittsburgh, and they’re tied with Houston again in the wildcard race. Carlos Lee is still leading the team in hits, homers, and RBI, despite playing in Texas now. Chris Capuano is leading in wins, strikeouts, and innings pitched, but the Astros won’t face him this series.

When:
Thursday, August 17, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, August 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 19, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 20, 1:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS

MLB Extra Innings – Thursday’s game will be on the Fox Southwest feed, Friday’s and Saturday’s games will on the Milwaukee broadcast, and it looks like there’s no broadcast Sunday.

Where: Miller Park

The Chorizo only made one race appearance before it got shitcanned by MLB. Because all marketing gimmicks have to be blessed by the league office a year in advance or some shit. Just figures that every time someone thinks of a new way to show off their sausage, Bud Selig takes a big bite first.

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