By Craig Elliott

The Astros just lost two out of three to San Diego, but remain in the thick of things. The wildcard race is a real sludgepile, and as Alkie has astutely pointed out, the shitbird Jakes may be joining it soon. Luke Scott has also taken Preston Wilson’s job, so good luck to both of them.

The Cubs have dropped their last two series, plus Mark Prior is done for the year, again. Carlos Zambrano is the only non-rookie in the rotation. The only question now is whether or not Dusty’s contract gets renewed. And if it’s not renewed, then this is Dusty’s last trip to Houston.

When:
Monday, August 14, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, August 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, August 16, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest feed. No need for WGN.

Where: MMPUS

The Astros are wrapping up the long homestand before going on the road for a week and a half. Houston leads the season series with the Cubs 8-4. This will wrap up the season series with the Cubs, so get your jeers in while you can.

The giveaways for this series are pretty good … a shuttle cap on Monday, K cards on Tuesday, and Clemens T-shirts on Wednesday.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

The Astros are 7-2 in August, which includes three series wins. After sweeping the Pirates out of town, the ‘Stros are now 6 games behind the fucking Jakes, and 2.5 games off the wildcard lead. The dumbass Reds are out on their feet and ready for a knockout punch, with three teams from the West sitting a half-game out.

One of those teams is the Padres. They’re only 3-7 over their last 10 games, including losing last week’s series to the Astros. They just got swept by the cocksucking Mets, and are about to drop behind the Dojers and Snakes in the West. Plus the Rukkakies are still hanging close and looking up expectantly at the leaders with those big adorable eyes. Apparently it has something to do with everyone’s balls being heavier in Coors this year. Or whatever.

Also, rumor has it that the Padres’ plane was delayed from leaving New York because of the new carry-on rules. There was an uncomfortable moment at Security when no one would claim the industrial-size jug of hand lotion. Luckily things got moving again when Mike Piazza offered to inspect everyone’s packages.

When:
Friday, August 11, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 12, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, August 13, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. No broadcast Saturday, I guess.

Where: MMPUS

Friday is ’80s Night, so be sure to wear either a Rainbow Gut or Rainbow Shoulder. There will also be umbrella giveaways, and one lucky fan will win a limited-edition ankle-grabber umbrella stand, shaped like Mike Piazza’s ass.

On Saturday you can score a non-urine-smelling Astrodome replica, and on Sunday they’re giving away lunch bags, which are cooler than they sound.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

The Astros just won two series AND had a winning roadtrip. August must finally be here. The teetering Reds are only 3.5 games ahead of Houston now, and the Jakes are 8 games ahead. Lance Berkman is still hitting everything in sight, despite having to be wheeled around the bases in a wagon by Jose Cruz.

The Pirates have the worst record in the National League, and are ahead of only the Royals in all Major League Baseball. Plus they even broke up the band and traded Nancy Wilson to the Yankees. But if we could just trade OUR Wilson to the Pirates, then they could restart the band … nah, nevermind.

When:
Tuesday, August 8, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 10, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Which is fine with me, because the Pittsburgh guys will only be talking about the fucking Steelers anyway. I wonder if Ben Roethlisberger has recorded a public service announcement yet about wearing a goddamn helmet.

Where: MMPUS

Monday was the Astros’ last day off for three weeks. This is the beginning of a three-series homestand, and except for this weekend’s set with the Padres, the rest of the month will be played against the Central. Most of it against the bottom third of the Central (assuming the Brewers stay in fourth place where they belong).

When the Pirates are in town, Double Play Tuesday with its cheap hot dogs is, of course, also still known as ?Derek Bell Throwback Day.? At least they’re Earl Campbell’s hot dogs. The rest of the promos for this series are pretty lame: teddy bears for kids on Wednesday, and lanyards on Thursday. Meh. Good enough for a mid-week series with the Pirates, I guess.

Read More