By Craig Elliott

So, while everyone else was stressing out over the trade deadline Monday afternoon, I was laid out in the hospital, getting my first colonoscopy. Talk about taking one for the team. I told the doctor that while she was in there snaking things out, to be on the lookout for any relievers or RBI batters. But as you know by now, the search was fruitless and there was nothing to pull out of my ass (though they did evict one of Roy Oswalt’s spies).

Anyway.

The Astros lost the chance to sweep the Pet Shop Boys, but did look a little better in taking the series. Houston is still only 4.5 games back in the wildcard race, though still looking up at most of the pathetic National League.

Arizona just split a doubleheader, and a four-game series, with the Cubs. They’re a game back of San Diego in the NL West, and only a half-game behind the Reds in the wildcard race.

When:
Friday, August 4, 8:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 5, 8:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 6, 3:40 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Friday. Saturday’s game will be on the Arizona feed, and Sunday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Chase Field

Arizona is dead-even at home this year, 26-26. However, the Astros are only 21-31 on the road. Any relievers who blow a lead for Roger this weekend may be found later, BOBbing in the swimming pool.

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by Limey

Well, another trade deadline comes and goes, and all that happened is that SportsJustice showed himself to be King of the Ass Clowns at the Chronicle…again. An amazing streak when you realise that the staff there includes Jose de Jesus H. Ortiz and John McLain, a man blessed with a face for radio, a voice for print and a brain good for nothing. It seems to me that the personality trait required to be a Chronicle sportswriter is “arrogant fuckwit”. I’m surprised that none of these guys has yet been offered the job of managing the Mets. Maybe they’re holding out for the Cubs.

Anyway, with all that behind us now, it’s off to San Diego with essentially the same club that we’ve had for…ohhh…days now. Break out the strong Colombian* and be prepared for midnight meltdowns as the Astros take their collapsible bullpen to face the Pet Shop Boys. If Garner’s got any sense, he’ll head over to TJ, grab a truck load of stiffy pills, crush the tablets up and rub the powder onto the bullpen’s arms.

*Coffee. Why? What did you think I meant?

When:

Tuesday, August 1, 9:05pm CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, August 2, 9:05pm CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 3, 2:35pm CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – You’re on your own, kids.

Where: Petco Park

San Diego is a truly beautiful place. It’s also full of sailors so you are guaranteed a shag if you like cock; just make sure he buys the drinks because it’s fucking expensive. Speaking of liking cock, the Pads just picked up Todd Walker from the Cubs following on from their acquisition of Scott Williamson.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros seem to be in a Terry Schiavo-like state right now. Common sense says “have mercy and pull the damn plug,” but then a lazy eye seems to follow the balloon for a second or two and you think, “Hey! There MIGHT be an ounce of hope left!” But then reality sets in and you realize that even Terry Schiavo could work a walk from Brad Lidge right now … or at least an HBP.

Maybe Purpura can pull a miracle out of his ass this weekend, but I’m not holding my breath. The thing is, the parts already seem to be here and more or less in working order. It’s just that they don’t seem to work together as a whole. I guess Drayton can throw more money at the problem, but that still doesn’t mean this patient will get up and walk. Much less drive in a run.

Meanwhile … the Diamondbacks just dropped two of three to the Phillies, though they had won their four previous series. They’re three games behind the Padres in the West, and 2.5 games behind the Reds in the wildcard race. Third-baseman Chad Tracy is leading the team in homers, RBIs, hits, and runs, but he also has 93 strikeouts compared to 56 for the next-closest whiffer.

When:
Friday, July 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, July 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, July 30, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Saturday. Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: MMPUS

Lots of good promotions again this weekend. Friday will be 70’s Night, so bust out the Rainbow Guts. There will also be Colt Stadium replica giveaways, and of course the usual fireworks (but read the fine print, because it’s doubtful the fireworks will be provided by the Astros’ offense). Biggio figurines will be given away Saturday, and on Sunday it’s Matchbox cars. Sunday will also feature the always-popular Kids Run the Bases event, with an added twist: your youngster can choose to be either walked by Brad Lidge, or hit by a pitch.

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